So Brooke quit… But I did get a chance to talk to her on her last day. I felt like we had a good enough conversation where I could friend her on Facebook. I messaged her on Monday saying, “hey Brooke, let’s hang out sometime.”

Her response was, “Hey! Definitely!! How was it today without me lol.” All fine and good! Couldn’t have asked for a better response. Started out strong for once! But I forgot how difficult it is to talk to girls, and it seems to be especially difficult talking to her. I’ve been trying to get her to open up, but she doesn’t have Messenger so it’s slow going. But maybe, that’s just an excuse I’m making up. Maybe she’s not that interested in me. Maybe she’s not looking for much if anything at all. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m fucked up over her. I was so nervous before I messaged her that I almost threw up. I washed the dishes, smoked a bowl, drank a beer, and took a shower just so I wouldn’t be so preoccupied about checking my phone. She messaged me back and I was SO HAPPY.

But it’s like I always set myself up for major disappointment. I have a habit of going all in no matter what. Either I don’t give a shit at all, or I go overboard. I’m prone to jumping the gun, and I don’t want to do that. She’s special. I can’t put my finger around it, but there’s just something about her that’s made me fall in love.

How do you fall in love with someone you barely know though? How do you get your heart broken by someone that you’ve barely talked to? It’s happened to me twice. I don’t know this girl, but I want to, and it pains me deeply. Am I just setting myself up to fail? Am I misjudging the situation and making the wrong word choices? In a way, I feel like I’m friendzoning myself. We’ve talked about work and looking for work, but I want to talk about her. I want to know what a day in the life of Brooke is like. I want to know what she’s feeling. I want to know what she wants to do and what she plans to do. I don’t care about being coworkers with her again. I want to be her lover, her companion, and her friend. I don’t know what it is, but perhaps I’ve gone too far mentally and emotionally.

How do I entice her to talk to me more? I want to know all about her, and take her everywhere I go. I love this girl, but, I ask again, how?! I worked with her for 7 months, and only had a handful of conversations with her. She is so damn cute and so damn pretty. I can’t get over it. French Montana has a song called “Unforgettable” and literally this is what Brooke is to me. Unforgettable. I can’t keep her off my mind.

I tried and I failed. Tried and I failed. When I heard that she was leaving I was devastated. I was so bummed out that I immediately went home after hanging with another coworker, stayed up all night and binge watched 13 Reasons Why. That show is incredibly depressing but that wasn’t the only reason why I was crying that night.

After it was pointed out to me that this was the best time to pursue her, I kept running through the same scenario in my head for those two weeks. And each opportunity I had, I fucking bitched out and didn’t approach her. It wasn’t until her last day when my coworker started talking to her, that I realized that I needed to do it. I couldn’t get her off my mind. And now, after we started “talking” I still can’t get her off my mind. Every passing second, I’m hoping that a notification pops up on my phone that says, “Brooke messaged you.” And I’m let down every time. She’ll message me, but sparsely.

Maybe she’s scared, just like me. But I think I’m ready. I’m willing to go all in with her, and you can literally count on one hand how many people I’ve said that about since my last relationship. But how to give off the right vibe? Logic says not to rush it, but ones heart always tells you different. I don’t want to come on too strong, that’s the number one thing I’m afraid of. But if I’m too weak, then I won’t stand out. That’s where I’m at right now. Every moment that I’m not talking to her breaks my heart just a little bit, and I know that it shouldn’t cause I barely know the girl. But goddammit if Katy Perry wasn’t right when she said, “you love who you love.” There’s something magical about her. She’s like a Disney princess, and I want her to be mine.