I swear I never learn. I literally end up making the same mistake every time, no matter how many times I tell myself that I’ve grown & matured and that I know better. Maybe my brain does know better, but my heart sure as hell doesn’t. Part of me wants to stop trying because I’m afraid of getting hurt again. Sometimes it’s easier to be complacent than to take risks. This has proven to be true time and time again. But at some point you have to take a chance. You can’t go through life blocking your own happiness because you’re afraid of sadness.

It’s easier said than done obviously, and it’s likely a direct result of being both a lover and a dreamer. It’s easy for me to fantasize and it’s easy for me to fall in way too deep. It will forever be my downfall. I misread signs, and I have no sense of balance whatsoever. I either come on too strong, or I come on too weak. I’d like to think that I’ll learn someday, but maybe I won’t. How many times can someone keep doing the same thing the same way and keep expecting different results? That’s like honestly pretty stupid and delusional. But that seems to be the story of my life every time. Same situation, same outcome, different girl. I keep telling myself I need to stop myself from falling way too deep before it actually happens, but that’s like asking me to do the impossible. I love, and I love easily. What can I say? I’m a Leo. I would say it’s a blessing and a curse, but it’s really not.

I wouldn’t say it gets me in trouble per se, but it definitely does make everything more awkward and more complicated than it should be. Which brings me to my current “situation.” Situation in quotations cause this might literally be a figment of my imagination. That’s what things feel like when you’re just rehashing old events but thinking that you’ve changed and that everything is different. It’s not different. I’m just lying to myself at this point. Still the same old shit, and the same old habits.

The thing is, I used to pray for opportunities to get to know people better. But I’m still the same shy, little boy that I’ve always been, despite how much I’d like to think that I’m not. I’m not able to make the most of these opportunities cause I’m just too damn awkward, which honestly could just be me making excuses. And damn, do I get opportunities. They happen, and I don’t ask for them, and they happen somewhat often (at least twice a year), so you could say I’m blessed that girls show me attention that I don’t deserve in the slightest.  I dunno, this may sound crazy, but there are plenty of people that would want to be in my shoes. Like what normal, straight male doesn’t want to get hit on by girls constantly? That’s the attention that every young (straight) boy has been seeking since they hit puberty. But I can’t do it, you can’t leave me to my own devices cause I’ll find a way to screw it up. It’s like we’re already past that awkward phase where one party attempts to approach the other. I literally don’t need to do that. It’s been done for me. I just need to get over myself and make the next step. That’s just how it goes.

But every single time, I find a way to fuck myself over. Basically I bumblefuck the opportunity, if that’s even a word. I self-fulfilling prophesize the situation. I anticipate a negative outcome, so I push myself toward that outcome. I find a way to get myself out of the situation, cause I dunno maybe I’m afraid of what comes next if good things happen to me. Like “oh no. She likes me, what do I do now? Getaway, getaway, getaway now.” This seems to be a regular occurrence, and it’s quite sad. I guess I just need to get over myself, literally. It’s not that big a deal. Talking to a girl you’re interested in is no different than having a normal conversation with anybody else. Maybe my problem is that I hype it up too much. I literally raise my expectations exponentially so I get burned when things don’t happen the way I expected. But having expectations is already crazy enough. Life doesn’t let you decide how it goes, it just does as it does. So what it comes down to is this:

Basically, I’ve been (over)thinking about this girl, and it’s not healthy. Part of me feels like she’s someone special and someone I’m interested in getting to know better, but I know I’ve said those exact words before, and when it comes down to it, I’m able to get over them eventually. I tend to linger and get caught up on certain girls, and maybe that limits me from meeting others. But regardless, I’m lost, confused and conflicted. It seems as though I’m just making things extremely complicated, and this is purely because I’m stuck stewing in my head, thinking about the same damn things every damn second of every damn day. I’m surprised I haven’t made soup at this point, considering the amount of time I stew. I was looking for some clarity, but I didn’t find any, and now I’m more conflicted and confused than ever. I just need to stop thinking about her and leave it at that, but how?

I told myself earlier today that this isn’t good for me, and I just needed to leave it alone and move past it. But guess what? I backtracked 3 times within 15 minutes. The more I tell myself to stop thinking about it, the more I find myself thinking about it. Goddamn elephant in the room. Not only have I not made any progress whatsoever (remember I bumblefucked an opportunity, or maybe I didn’t) but I’ve also not made any mental progress. I could dead it or I could ask her out. I’m stuck 50/50. This doesn’t even take into account other factors. But it’s like come on now, grow the fuck up and make some sort of grown up decision.

Maybe I’m looking for more information, trying to gauge the certainty of this. But really, nothing is certain in this life, so why the fuck do I worry? I guess I could say fuck it, leave it alone, and lock myself perpetually in the lurch. I could pursue it and see what happens. If she says no, then “ok, we have our closure. Onto the next one.” If she says yes, then that’s great right? That’s what I’ve been wanting and waiting for. But ya know, sometimes it’s just so much easier to pretend. Daydream in optimism rather than live with the reality. But it’s like, you do want to know right Justin? It’d be better to know, wouldn’t it? There’s no way to know, unless I do something about it. But it’s just too scary sometimes. I really don’t know. Maybe more research is required. Cause I’m not getting any negative signals, but these positive signals, are they actually there? Maybe I should just let it sit for another day. Who knows, my brain is mush, and this is driving me insane. I feel like any decision I choose, I’ll end up getting burned. But is that fear worth holding back? This could be a love worth fighting for, but who the fuck knows? I honestly don’t know what to do.

Well, guess what? There was a third option after all! I don’t have to abandon this, I can just not talk about her anymore. I realized that hearing myself talk about this girl makes me think about her. If I don’t vocalize my feelings or emotions for her, then they won’t have a chance to become an articulate thought. I can let it all stay jumbled, and in so doing, I can bide my time and keep working on it as originally intended. If I rush things I tend to fuck up. If I reveal my intentions too early I may lose the potential for good. This is some good news, as I don’t need to walk away from this, but I also don’t have to risk making it obscenely awkward before I’m ready to make my move. Make a move I shall, I have already decided, but build on it beforehand I will. Not going to blow my spot, so for now I’ll wait. Because I know if I act before I’m ready I will run into problems.