Recently I quit my job, without something else lined up. Now, that was not my plan going into it, but it turned out to be the most freeing experience ever. But it wasn’t like I just did it willy nilly. It was thought out through several months. It was meant to be a last resort, but it ended up being the route that was taken. It was a toxic work environment that I had to get away from, and I do not regret it.

Now, working there wasn’t all bad. It was pretty good at first. I started working there as an intern before I graduated college, and I continued on full time afterwards. My plan was to work there for a couple years, get the experience I needed, then go and find something else. So for the first year and a half or so, I was steadily learning and growing; getting a better understanding of corporate America. I started in January of 2015 doing a mix of customer service, sales, and marketing. That following summer, my coworker went on maternity leave, and I immediately got thrown into the deep end. I was the point person for customer service now, it was my greatest challenge to date; but I handled the stress, and I handled it well. I was awarded with Employee of the Month in October.

But things started to go downhill from there. I always knew that my boss was a bit of an asshole, but this is when I started seeing his true colors. It was different when I was an intern. I mostly kept to myself, and just obediently did my work. Now, I had to interact with the whole department. They say that within a year and a half, you should have a good idea of what kind of company you work for. And it’s true, I knew what kind of company this was, but I had so much fear, and doubt. I didn’t have the motivation or the drive to push myself out of this shitty situation. What’s worse, is that my depression worsened, although I didn’t really know it at the time. Cause it wasn’t like I was sad, or thinking about suicide. But depression has many forms: low self esteem, and loss of interest for example. Apathy and fear kept me downtrodden.

But still following my loose timeline; around the two year mark, I started applying, and looking for something else. I wasn’t searching seriously, more so just weighing my options. But the unexpected happened. Another coworker ended up going on maternity leave that spring. A lot of her responsibilities thus fell on me. My plans on leaving were then put on hold. I felt guilty for leaving at that time. It wasn’t so bad though, because I was learning new things, so I figured I’d stay a bit longer, learn all that there was to learn, then start up again in the fall.

But this is also when it really started getting bad. My former boss is not a pleasant person to be around. He is egotistical, arrogant, and straight up mean sometimes. He belittles his employees, embarrasses individuals in front of the whole department, and generally leads by fear. He’s temperamental, so you never know which way the wind will blow. Will he be overly patient, and calm, or will he yell at you for the smallest thing? It was always walking on eggshells around him. He’d make the worst dad jokes, and think he was so funny. He was inappropriate, saying things that were highly sexual or racist. The way he would try to get people to work harder would be to threaten your job security or your annual raise. He was not a good manager, nor was he a good person. Eventually, I started tuning him out. Anytime he would make a comment or a joke I would roll my eyes and walk away. I did not and do not respect this man.

But what was I going to do? There were no opportunities lined up. I had no options. I was worn down. I had no drive. So I did what I knew. I started smoking more. Every night after a long drive back home, I would smoke a bowl to forget about my problems. I didn’t have the brain capacity to deal with this shit at work and after work. I did what I knew. But what I knew, wasn’t what was good for me. The perpetual weed haze kept me numb. It kept me out of tune with my emotions. But it kept me going through the motions. Coffee to keep me awake in the morning, weed to help me sleep at night. Rinse & repeat. Eventually I became so worn down that I stopped trying. I resigned myself to this. This was my life.

But the unexpected happened yet again. In May of 2018, a cute, quiet girl from work DMed me out of the blue. She told me she was obsessed with me, and she felt like she needed to tell me. She couldn’t sleep. She was tired of being awkward; tired of not being able to speak her mind. She told me she didn’t know how she was going to get over it. She just wanted me to reject her and be done with it. No more what ifs. This was an utter shock to me. I didn’t know what to do, or how to respond. I didn’t think girls liked me like that (I know different now. Not to be cocky, but I get hit on quite often). Of course, I was just awkward and self-conscious. But I figured, what the hell, I got nothing going in my life, I might as well. So I gave her my number, we started texting, and the rest is history.

This was the first step on my journey to enlightenment. There were ups and there were downs. I was and am far from the best boyfriend. I had a lot of issues that I needed to work on. It all culminated in The Incident in August of 2018. I hit a person while backing up at a gas station. This brought me to the lowest of the low. But this also brought me to some of the best decisions I would ever make. My parents were extremely worried about me after this incident, so they came down to visit the next day, and my dad immediately contacted a therapist that he had heard about from one of his friends. I’ve been seeing her every other week for about a year and a half, and it’s brought about an incredible amount of self-discovery. It works, talking to a professional with no judgment, no interruption, no lack of interest. It’s like talking to a friend, but better. You have her undivided attention for a full hour. We went through techniques, and tips, and advice on how to overcome my depression. And sure enough, I grew more and more confident. The less I smoked, and the more I talked to my girlfriend and my therapist, the more I began to heal. The numbness went away, the negativity fizzled out. I ended up winning Employee of the Year in 2018. My crowning achievement. In my head, I figured I could work here for another year or so. But I knew there was still no growth, still no opportunities for advancement.

And sure enough, December 2019 would be my last month at this company. Because inevitably, the highs became lows, and the lows went even lower. But the difference was mentally, and emotionally I knew I could do better. This wasn’t the end. I wasn’t destined to stay at this dead end job for the rest of my life. I was in a different headspace. I could do this. I wouldn’t let the negativity and the bitterness at this company get to me again. Several things happened to facilitate my job search. First, I started going back to church. I know church isn’t for everybody. Religion isn’t for everybody. In fact, the first time we planned to attend this particular church, I changed my mind halfway there. I wasn’t ready. My girlfriend, of course, was upset. We had a long discussion, before I dropped her off and went home. When I got home, I didn’t know what to do, so I watched the live stream. This church was different from the ones I had attended previously. It had a different vibe to it, so I was willing to check it out.

After we started attending this church, things started to tumble into place. For my birthday in August, we went to Disney World. On our way back from the airport, I hit my head, and got a concussion. Which, as you all know, started the thought juices flowing. A long-time coworker and friend of mine got fired for reasons beyond his control. *Cough cough nepotism cough cough* Me in my concussion addled mind decided fuck this, I’m outta here. So that week, I started applying, and soon after I was granted an interview. I also needed to go on a road trip for my current job, visit some of our customers. So I planned it all for the same day. This was a Thursday. The following day, my boss called me into his office at 8am to yell at me about something that I wasn’t doing correctly, because I already had too much on my plate. Then at 9am, he gave me Employee of the Month, and had the audacity to ask in front of everybody why I wasn’t smiling. You knew damn well why I wasn’t smiling you asshole… That was the breaking point.

At this time, I decided that I would do anything to get away from this douchebag. I was even considering leaving without another job lined up. But I was talked down from it. I listened to the voice of reasoning, and concluded job first, then quit. So things went back to the status quo for now. I had a schedule of applying to job listings on Mondays and Tuesdays after work, and writing a little on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. It had occurred to me during my concussion that my first love has always been reading, and my talent has always been writing. Screw what everybody says, I’m going to become a writer. And this was to be my side gig until I was good enough to make it my main gig.

Status quo was all fine & good but the inevitable happened. My temperamental boss blew up yet again. Surprise, surprise! My boss was about to go on his lunch break, one of the sales managers didn’t know if he was going to return to his office before heading out, so he waited for my boss outside of the bathroom. Kinda strange, but small & innocuous right? Wrong! My boss got up in his face, and was like, “you wouldn’t do that to the owner of the company would you? Don’t I deserve the same fucking respect?” My cubicle is right next to the bathroom, so I heard the whole loud & angry exchange, and I’m just sitting there rolling my eyes, muttering to myself, “are you fucking kidding me? You don’t deserve any respect. Talking about respect while disrespecting your employee.” This exchange just reinforced my need to get the fuck out of there. I had another interview at the beginning of November. For some reason or another, it didn’t work out. But I was still ok. I wouldn’t let the negativity get to me again.

But lo & behold, would you look at that. Mid December, my boss does something to me that I felt really crossed the line (as if the 5 years of mistreatment that I was subject to and observed wasn’t enough already). So, I was on the phone with my girlfriend, she does billing & credit; I needed to give her an Amex credit card, since I’m not able to enter it on my end. We have this phone rotation system for sales & customer service, so administrators are able to see who you’re on the phone with. My boss gives me a ring, once, twice. I figure I can just call him back after I’m done with what I’m doing. He calls me a third time, at which point I’m done with my conversation, so I go into his office. Turns out he needed to see me about something I was already working on, so that’s bullshit. Then he starts talking about how when I’m on the phone with Katie, and someone else calls, I need to check to see who’s calling. And I’m thinking, “whatever dude. First off, I don’t need you micromanaging shit that I’m already handling; second you’re not that important, get off your high horse; third my conversation with Katie was a minute tops.” So I go back to my desk, and see that he had sent us both an email asking us to get off the phone, so he could talk to me. One of the things that my therapist went over with me last year was being accepting of my negative emotions, as long as they were justified. I have every right to my anger, every right to my sadness, as long as I understand why I feel the way that I do, and as long as I’m able to regulate it, and bring myself back to my center line. To say the least, at this moment I was furious. He wouldn’t have done this if I had been talking to anybody else. In my mind, I had two options left to me: I could walk out right then & there, or I could be professional and give my two weeks notice.

I gave my two weeks the next day and never looked back. I made the right decision. No regrets. Cause there was another situation a few days later, where he rolled his eyes at Katie because she did something that he didn’t like. Which is funny, because earlier that same day he had called out a sales manager for being late to a meeting, saying that he felt like it was inappropriate that she was late. Later in that same meeting, I forget the context, but he had said, “cause we’re professionals!” Alright dude… So rolling your eyes and throwing a hissy fit isn’t inappropriate and unprofessional? Alright then.

That being said, I’ve been unemployed for almost a month now. But I couldn’t be happier. I calculated my savings before I left and I have enough to last 6-8 months. It’s not crunch time, and I’m not in a rush to find a job. I’m just enjoying my time and living life. I took a week to visit my parents, and hang out with my sisters and my cousins. I haven’t had that luxury in a long time. I don’t know about other places, but at my workplace it was always awkward to ask for time off, because my boss was always so goddamn weird about it. Sometimes he’d approve your vacation right away, or sometimes he wouldn’t get back to you for almost two weeks. I finally had time to see my parents for an extended period of time, and they seemed so happy to have the three of us back at the same time. I just couldn’t bear to break the news to them, so they still don’t know that I’m jobless. I didn’t want to potentially ruin the mood. Rest assured, I’ll get back into my job search next week or the following. But right now I’m just enjoying the time I have to myself, where I can do puzzles, read, listen to audiobooks, play video games, watch Netflix, do crosswords, go on nature walks, do whatever the fuck I want. I’ve dedicated myself to writing more. I’m doing morning pages now, my creative juices are flowing, so there should be new content coming more frequently.