I’m not really the type to make New Year’s Resolutions. A resolution seems too much like a firm goal in my mind. Something that could be easily failed or broken. So, instead of making a resolution, I will list my hopes for the year 2020.

2019 was a year of discovery. A year of change. A year of growth. A year of re-ignition. My life has been stuck in neutral for a long time. It’s like someone pressed pause, and forgot to return to the game. That’s always been my problem. Lack of drive. Susceptibility to complacency. Failure to properly identify what it is I want. Call it what you will. All I know is, for whatever reason I was always afraid of pursuing what I wanted. I was always trying to please others, follow the rules, live up to expectations. I was content with what was good enough. But did this make me happy? Did it make me satisfied? Not really, but it was SAFE. Calling me risk adverse is definitely an understatement. I like my comfort zone. I don’t like being disappointed. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I can’t be that person anymore. My therapist showed me something different. The year 2020 started out with a big risk: I quit my job. But that won’t be the only risk I take this year. And I’m going to try to get over my fear of disappointment. A life lived in constant fear, is not a life lived at all. I should know, I’ve been through it.

So I guess, I have to say this. It was quite selfish of me to quit my job. Actually, extremely selfish. I’ll admit it. I left my coworkers in the lurch, and based off what Katie is telling me, the department is a disaster. But guess what? I don’t care that much. Yes, I do feel bad for leaving certain coworkers high & dry, but I needed to do what was best for me. Two days before I put in my two week’s notice, I was talking to my mom on the phone. If you’ve read my other posts, you know the type of year I’ve had with her. I don’t talk to her about serious shit anymore. Cause more often than not, it ends with extreme frustration. It gives her the slightest opportunity to voice her manipulative, controlling, cookie-cutter view for my life. I’m 28 years old. I’m not a child anymore.

That being said, much of my anxieties and low self-esteem stem from failing to live up as a kid. I was extremely shy growing up; it’s like I built up a wall or a shell from day 1. At school I was a quiet kid. At home or at church I was a menace. I was a compulsive liar, a fucking terrible one, but still a liar. I couldn’t lie to save my life, still can’t. But that didn’t stop me from lying every chance I got. My favorite phrase when asked if I hit somebody was, “it was an accident.” No parent wants to scold, spank, or discipline their children. They don’t want to be constantly telling you no, or cleaning up your messes. But this is what my mom had to do on a daily basis. I don’t blame her for being disappointed. I guess nobody knew it at the time, but her emotions played a huge part in how I turned out as an adult.

Nobody tells you this, but there is an incredible amount of information to unpack when reflecting on your life, and seeing what sort of profound impact each parent had on your upbringing, positive & negative. Nature vs. Nurture is not a myth. Even the most subtle of things can play a big role in the makeup of your persona. For me, the biggest impact was so subtle that it took seeing a therapist for me to finally uncover it. My mom is a manipulator, a serial gas-lighter. She makes you feel sorry for yourself. She makes you question whether or not you’re imagining the emotions that you’re feeling. She was born in mid-October, which puts her on the border between Libra and Scorpio. Believe what you may about horoscopes. Maybe it’s mumbo jumbo. But I happen to see a scientific and logical explanation for it. Daily horoscopes are probably bullshit; I’m talking about the personality traits for each sign. To me, it makes sense that people who were born around the same time of year, operate in similar ways. That aside, unfortunately my mom possesses the worst traits of both signs. Like a Libra, she avoids confrontations, and will carry a grudge. Like a Scorpio, she is distrusting, jealous, secretive, and likes being right.

Like I said earlier, for years I was a naughty kid, a liar. But one day, when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old it just hit me. I was getting really sick and tired of being spanked every day, and I realized that I could avoid all that by not lying anymore. It was time for me to change. I could do the straight & narrow. But things didn’t turn out as anticipated. It took forever to build up trust with my mom. It must’ve taken 2 or 3 years. Moving forward, I told the truth, but she didn’t believe me. Ever. She had seen enough years of bad behavior, for her to expect any different. So for the formative years, I was constantly trying to live up. I was a good boy now. So here I was, trying to satisfy someone who wouldn’t be satisfied. And my dad, of course, was not absent, but was in his own world. I guess that’s how I became a mama’s boy.

All this is a long-winded way of saying I was directly under the influence of my mother, and I let myself be that way. The approval from my mother was what I strived for the most. She was my absolute. Whatever she wanted was always what was best for me. She could do no wrong. It slowly became more and more evident what kind of control she had on me, as we unpacked it during our therapy sessions. Very early on, my therapist had told me that it was important to find a male role model or a peer. Someone I could talk to, and bounce ideas off of. Someone who had seen a little more of life, someone who could provide input and advice. She told me that it seemed like my relationship with my mom was unhealthy. There are things a grown man can’t tell his mother. And I of course, thought this was crazy. But I take everything my therapist says to heart. I figure it can’t hurt. She’s telling me as a friend and as a professional. She told me to try not drinking or smoking, because they’re depressants, and will make the darker thoughts darker. So I tried it. I still drink on occasion, but not on the regular, and my mind has never been clearer. She was right. She told me to make writing goals or commitments for myself, so that I would stop talking about writing, and actually write. Wha-la, three posts in two weeks. She was right. She told me to start looking for a job, cause even though I told her my current one was ok, my words and my emotions told her otherwise. Even though I don’t have a job now, I did realize how toxic my previous one was, and that I needed to leave it. She was right.

Which brings me back to the conversation I had with my mom. Two days before I gave my notice, I was telling her about work. How miserable I was, and I ended up telling her about a sermon I heard recently, that stood out to me. The pastor had told a story about how an old lady was at a play with her grandson, and she had told him out of the blue, “I don’t want to be here.” The grandson asked for clarification, and she said that if Jesus were to come back right now, she didn’t want Him to see her at that place. I took this to heart. I was thinking about it at work one day, and it occurred to me that I didn’t want to be there. To me, this was not a place that glorifies God, and was not a place where I was adequately making the most of my talents. Eventually at some point, my mom ended up saying, “sometimes you need to make a clean break.”

So a clean break is what I made. It just so happened, that the clean break lined up with the negative experience that broke the camel’s back. Maybe it was divine providence that that shit went down. But it gave me the excuse that I needed to leave my dead-end job.

I spent all of 2019 learning self-love. I learned how to be ok with who I am. I finally started to understand and appreciate all that I had. I finally realized all the good I could do. Everything that was put into my life only helped to make me stronger. All the adversity I faced was just a bump in the road, but useful experiences if I learned something from them. Your life isn’t just a string of shitty days. You have good days, and you have bad days. But each bad day is one small blip in a string of great days that make up a great life. What do you want from this life? You only have one life to live. You have to make the most of it. What legacy do you want to leave? Do you want to be remembered? These were all questions I pondered as I realized that in order to live a happy life, in order to be satisfied, I had to be constantly striving for better. You need to always be aiming at a higher and higher trajectory. If you’re not moving up, you’re not improving. You have to kick it into drive, if you want to get to where you want to go.

Staying in neutral isn’t going to get you anywhere. Eventually you will need to take a risk. At some point safe will no longer be what is best. If something doesn’t make you happy, you need to release yourself from it. If something is toxic and constantly weighing you down, you need to cut it off. Make a clean break from it. You’re the one in control. You do not need to put up with negative energy. If you feel like cutting ties with someone or something is in your best interest, then it’s your prerogative. Do it. Some people may not like the decision that you make, but you have to do what’s best for you. I don’t mean to be all doom & gloom, but distancing myself from my mom and leaving a bad environment were two things that I needed to do. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, and I care about her a lot. But she doesn’t always have my best interests in mind. As for the workplace, there was just way too much bitterness and resentment built up for the relationship to be repaired. There was no other option, but to move on.

And I don’t regret my decisions. I finally, for the first time in my life feel happy and satisfied. I feel like a burden has been lifted. I’ve spent many, many years loathing myself. Despising who I was. I was stuck in a constant state of pitying, and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t know how good I had it. My life really isn’t or wasn’t that bad. But it was hard for me to see that. Depression is a killer. It tells you lies and reinforces them with half truths and delusions. It tells you that ok is good enough. It tells you that “not so bad,” is as good as you can do. I really didn’t know who I was, or what I had. I had stalled out. I had gotten complacent. I resigned myself to the fact that this was my life. But I could do so much better. I just needed to try. I didn’t understand that okay is not good enough, safe is not good enough. A job that you don’t enjoy or find purpose in, is not good enough.

2019 was a year of discovery. A year of change. A year of growth. A year of re-ignition. A year of mental reset. A year of preparation. My therapist showed me the good I have in me, the untapped potential. God, my therapist, my mom, and my job helped me to rediscover myself. Separating who I am and who I want to be, from who my mom wants me to be was the first step in unlocking greatness. Living out her goals and ambitions for my life will never make me happy. I’ll never live up. That’s not staying true to myself. That’s molding my life into someone else’s image.

2019 was a year of change. I’m getting ready to kick depression goodbye for good. I was mired in my negative thoughts for so long. I never really knew how to cope with it. My thought process was flawed. There were highs in my life where I thought I would be over it, but when the lows came, each low came back even lower. I regressed. But in 2019, my mindset changed. I was taught better ways of dealing, I was shown how to be in touch with my emotions. Not all emotions are positive. Some are negative, some are neutral. But negative does not necessarily mean bad. I was taught to think about my emotions. Why was I angry? Do I have any right to be angry? Am I being rational? Am I justified? It’s ok to be angry. That emotion is part of everyday life. These emotions do not have to be suppressed or hidden, as long as you’re in control. As long as you are careful about your actions when you are angry. Once you’re done being angry, don’t let it simmer. Don’t let it stew. One & done. You move on. My therapist showed me these things.

2019 was a year of growth. You can’t go through life always doing what other people ask or tell you to do. That doesn’t bring happiness. Happiness comes from living out, and pursuing your dreams without giving any fucks for what the haters or the critics may say. Happiness comes when you finally realize what sort of impact you want to make in this world, and doing whatever is necessary to do the greatest good you can do. It comes from discovering what it is that you love, what it is that drives you. It comes from finding your inner strength and being at peace. I used to operate on doing what I thought people wanted me to do. But that doesn’t matter. All that matters is what I want to do. This is my life to live. I am in control.

2019 was a year of re-ignition. A year of mental reset. Out with the old, in with the new. I’m getting there. I’m getting close. I’m ready to start applying to places again. Taking all of January off was a necessary step in my journey. I needed time to reflect. Time to refocus. Time to breathe. I had put my dreams on pause for too long. I had lost sight of my goals. And I needed to separate the expectations I had for myself from the expectations others had for me. Finding your purpose in life is looking back on younger days, and identifying your first love. Your first ambition. Your greatest talent. Growing up, they tell you not to be afraid of following your dreams. But do they support your dream the best way they can? That’s not for me to answer.

2019 was a year of preparation. I learned how to love myself. I learned what my strengths and weaknesses are. 2019 showed me a lot about myself. A lot about what I want to do. How I want to leave my legacy. I rediscovered who I am, I realized my dream. I have stories to tell. When I was younger, I wrote song lyrics, and poems. I aspired to be a musician. Hate to break it to you, but I didn’t have much musical talent. But I did have talent in my writing. I still do, and I will continue to hone my craft. I’m not worried about my job search so far. Better things will come. One foot in front of the other. I have faith. I’m ready for my greatest blessing.

They tell you that, “you reap what you sow.” There’s no greater truth than this. There is a time for sowing, and a time for harvest. In order to reap a great harvest, you must have a great sowing season. This is something my pastor stresses, and it is evident. 2019 was my sowing season. God laid down the groundwork. He gave me confidence, He took away my pain, He changed my mindset, He helped me to find myself, and to find my calling. I’m ready to be blessed abundantly. My pastor also said recently, to be prepared for God to blow your mind every month this year.

So for 2020 I am ready. “Look, I feel blessed. Way up I feel blessed… Blessings on blessings on blessings. Look at my life man that’s lessons on lessons on lessons.” I closed the door on an old way of living. I’ve opened another door, and I’m ready for something new. Well, this post sort of went off the rails. I don’t have hopes for 2020. I have faith, I have belief. I believe that 2020 will be the best year of my life. I expect to make moves in my career. My writing will flourish and grow exponentially. The idea in my head, the premise for a story will be laid out. I will have the beginnings to something good. This I know, because my faith is in something greater.