So I realize I haven’t posted anything in a while, but don’t worry, I’m not going away. You can’t get rid of me that easily! I had something planned/scheduled/started several weeks ago, but I just never really felt like finishing it. That’s the honest truth. But since then, a few things have changed.

First off, July 25^th was my last session of therapy ever. The day came and went, and I do miss it a bit. But it was time. Time to let go, time to move on. I had already spent time lamenting the loss of it when we initially decided to head towards termination at the end of March. So I had the time to process, the time to grieve. I know it’s not a person, it’s not a living thing, but these sessions felt like the birth of a life. It felt like a child I had parented. I guess that’s what it was in a way. It was the discovery of a living being. The revealing of a new me. The unearthing of who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to become. So what have I become?

I’ve become confident. I’ve learned to love myself. I stopped sweating the small stuff. I learned positive thinking. I decided to give back, rather than to just take, take, take. I’ve grown as a person, evolved, leveled up. I’ve reached a new stage in my life. For the first time, I feel like I finally have a healthy mind. I’m no longer poisoned by my negativity or my cynicism. I’ll remain cynical, that much will never change. But I won’t let it bog me down, suck me into the mire. People suck, that’s the simple truth. The majority of Americans are miserable, that’s even simpler. But that won’t be me anymore. It’s different now. I’m in a better place. I won’t drop back into the pit that I was stuck in for so long. I can walk upright with my shoulders back and my head held high. I don’t have to pretend to be proud, because I am proud. I’m proud of the improvements I’ve made. I’m proud of the person I’ve become. I faked it until I made it. Now that I’ve broken down and healed, built up and restored, I’m in the best place I could possibly be.

I’m still a work in progress. Everyone is. There’s no such thing as a complete or perfect human being. There is no finished product. That’s how life goes. It is humanity defined. So although there is no final stage in our evolutionary cycle we must continue climbing ever onward with an upwards trajectory. We need to strive for better, continue improving. Upgrading and updating. Renewing and restoring. Refreshing your mental operating system. You can’t keep doing things the same way, and expecting different results. Sometimes your way doesn’t work, and that’s okay. No one expects you to always be right, so you shouldn’t expect that of yourself either. There’s always more to learn. There are always ways to grow. So don’t be stagnant in your personal growth. Onwards and upwards always. When you stagnate and grow apathetic is when you get into trouble. Keep your mind focused and keep your brain occupied. Set goals for yourself: long term, short term, 5 year plan. Whatever works for you. But make sure you are in tune with your emotions. Make sure you have a firm sense of self. Don’t take things too seriously, but don’t be too laidback. Aspire for something greater. Set expectations for yourself. Lofty but attainable. Ambitious but not cutthroat. Roll with the punches. Take advantage of what life gives you. Every challenge is a lesson and an opportunity for growth. Never stop dreaming, and never stop pursuing those dreams. Dreams can change over time, but never stop following your passion(s). Life is more fulfilling when you do what you love, and you love what you do.

I can’t speak for anyone else, so let’s talk about me! What does growth look like? What will I do with my improvements? How have I developed as a person? For one, I will treat this as a graduation. I’ve graduated from my old life, and am entering a new stage. I’ve moved on from my brokenness, and let go of my pain. I learned how to cope with my emotions, and to settle down my thoughts. For all those years, I had a fear of being forgotten, a worry that I would be left behind. I suffered through lack of confidence, lack of motivation. Always feeling like I was misunderstood. But it wasn’t my words that were being misconstrued or my intentions. It was my sense of self. The misunderstanding was within. It was my essence, the entity of my soul that was lost. I didn’t know who I was, or what I was meant to become. I didn’t know what I was put on this planet to do. My sense of identity was lost or non-existent. It wasn’t so much that I was a misunderstood youth, but more so that I didn’t even know who the real Justin was. Tell me, how do you expect others to understand you, if you don’t even understand yourself? It’s crazy! Likewise, how can you expect other people to love you if you don’t even love yourself?

All of this has become clear to me. We did quite a lot of work in these sessions. Made a lot of discoveries. And we would hope so! After all, we therapized for almost two years. And now that we’re done, I feel like a brand new person. Let me tell you, it feels good. It feels great. It feels incredible. The work is done, but the journey still continues. It never stops, it never ends. But now I finally have the tools necessary to continuously improve my life. To shed my old skin, and grow anew each and every day. Mental health is emotional wealth. When your mind’s right, you can get your body right. When your mind’s right, your feelings and emotions aren’t so scary anymore. When your mind’s right, being alone is no longer daunting. You need not worry about stewing in your negativity. Your brain is healthy now. You don’t need affirmation, you don’t need likes. You don’t need to keep up your façade on social media. You’re happy with yourself, you’re happy with what you’re doing. You have the willpower to chase your goals. It gets easier each new day. You can go on. You’ve broken your cycle of drudgery.

I’ve broken through. Some days will be tough, but I will survive. I have a higher purpose. I have a renewed goal. I have an updated vision. In the last month I made a breakthrough with my novel/series/saga. I have not officially started my writing yet, but I feel as though I have made significant progress on my outline. And let me tell you, it feels good. It’s fulfilling, it’s satisfying. My creation is coming into fruition. The world I created in my mind is taking root. I’m a builder and I’m nurturing my seed. Soon my universe will exist. This was what I was meant to do. This was my unrealized dream for so many years. Now that I know myself better, I know that this is what I want. I will be an accomplished, published, fantasy author. And I will take all the necessary steps to ensure that I complete my mission. I will do what it takes to tell my stories. I’m dreaming big, reaching for the stars. I won’t settle for anything less.

I won’t let a job define me. In this day and age, people are more interested in what you do than in who you are. It doesn’t matter what I do, because for me it’s only temporary. It’s the thing that will hold me over until I make it big. I’m a writer, I’m an author. That’s who I am, that’s what I do. Everything else is inconsequential. I’ve never been super motivated by money or by climbing the corporate ladder. I’m different. The only difference between now and then is that I didn’t know my purpose, I didn’t know my end goal. But now that I know what I want, I am single-mindedly working my way towards it. That started with quitting my stressful job in January. For a long time I thought I wanted to get a marketing job or do something that was more writing intensive, but sometimes what you want is not what is best for you. This became clear to me after I ended up taking a simpler, more straightforward job. I don’t have to speak to customers, I don’t manage people, I don’t problem solve, I barely think. I love it! Some people would think that I’m crazy for enjoying this. But I gotta tell you, I’m a thousand times happier, because it’s cleared up my brainpower both during work and after, to think about my stories and to write. The birthing of a story begins with thinking, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. But even if you love what you do, you know what they say about all work and no play.

I’ve been enjoying the hell out of my free time, to say the least. It’s been a weird year due to Covid. as we all know. But since I had also quit my job, my schedule for the first half of the year was as follows: 6 weeks off then 6 weeks working, followed by 6 weeks collecting unemployment, and finally 5 weeks working from home before returning back to the office full time in June. So as you can see, I’ve had a lot of time off. I transcribed comic book reading lists, I’m learning Spanish, I’m working on my D&D campaign, I’ve done crosswords, I’ve watched Netflix/Hulu/Disney+, I started watching baseball. I’ve been keeping my activities varied, so I would never work myself into a rut. I’m not the same person that I used to be. I don’t sit on my ass wallowing, and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t worry about what people think of me. I don’t brood with my depressing thoughts. None of that. That ain’t me anymore. I actually enjoy my own company for the first time in over a decade. You can leave me on my own. I can find things to do, and relish my time alone. And I want to say, “Let me tell you, it feels good,” but you already know that. I’ve been saying that since January. Mental health is important. Don’t jeopardize your mental health for career aspirations. They’re not mutually exclusive. Sometimes you need to take a small step backwards in order to take a giant leap forwards. Don’t ever let anyone prevent you from following your dreams. In the end it’s all about making YOU happy. Your biggest priority is yourself. Mental health is emotional wealth. That should be your mantra moving forward.