Growing up is difficult. Life is difficult. Parenting looks difficult. Nobody asked to be born. They just were. Maybe your parents were ready for you, maybe they weren’t. But regardless, parenting requires on the job learning. You can only absorb so much from books, and training seminars. Of course, this is not something I know about from experience, seeing as I don’t have kids yet. But from observation alone, I’m able to deduce that this is a challenge that I do not envy. I’m pretty sure you’ll never learn how to be the perfect parent. That’s striving for something that isn’t attainable. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Everything in life requires a certain amount of effort.

Many of us don’t lack determination, we don’t lack self-motivation, drive, or ambition. For much of my life, I wasn’t part of this crowd, but that’s beside the point. What we do lack sometimes is time. Time to reflect. Time to pause. Time to refocus. Life in the northeast is always go, go, go! It’s fast-paced. Everyone is a go-getter, people are always in a rush. There’s no time for small talk. We’re too busy for this, too busy for that. We’re climbing the ladder, on our way up. Tunnel vision, locked in. That’s not to say that any of this is bad. It’s good to have ambition. It’s good to set goals for yourself. It’s good to know what you want. But you can’t be all action, all the time. It gets exhausting. It’s healthy and beneficial to hit pause every once in a while.

Go on vacation, take a day off for a fishing trip, take a mental health day, stay at a cabin for a bit. Maybe your boss or your workplace frowns upon vacations or sick days, but fuck em. Take advantage of the time that you earned. You worked hard for this. You deserve the rest. Sometimes it’s hard to admit that you’re overworked, hard to admit that you need a break. But you need to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Your brain requires exercise, same as your body. But likewise, you need to give both a breather. Like a computer, you need to shut down and restart every once in a while. It can’t be all work and no play. Your brain needs variety. There’s time for work, and there’s time for aspirational thinking. There’s crunch time and there’s downtime. There’s doing, and there’s dreaming. You need both. Like I’ve been saying, balance is key.

You have to take care of yourself. If you don’t look out for yourself, who will? But it’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to acknowledge that maybe you don’t know what you’re doing or where you’re going. Mental illness and emotional health issues are often looked at disdainfully in this society. There’s a negative stigma surrounding these topics. But know this: you’re not alone. You’re not broken beyond repair. Just because you’re seeing a therapist doesn’t mean that you’re a faulty human being. We all have our issues. Nobody is perfect. Each individual has their own vices, vulnerabilities, blind spots. And oftentimes we start out ill-equipped to take on the challenges that life throws at us. But we live and we learn, and we build up our tools. We take our experiences, and find ways to grow from them. Find ways to do things more efficiently. In order to develop the right tools, the ones that work for you, you need to try different things. If it’s not working out one way, you have to be flexible enough to try it a different way. If that way doesn’t work, you need to be willing to seek outside help or advice. If that still doesn’t work, then you know that this isn’t for you, and it’s time to move on, to pursue something else. You know what they say about trying to shove a square peg through a round hole? Sometimes we do it to ourselves.

We force ourselves into a life that we think we want. We pursue a career that we think will make us happy. We start living the lives that we think people expect of us. We care so much about what others think of us that we forget about what wecare about. Our parents’ aspirations for us become our aspirations. We end up losing focus and getting confused. We think that our dream is so crazy that we don’t take the steps necessary to follow our passion. It’s easy to fall into this fallacy. So easy. But you have to separate the voices in your head. Learn to distinguish between your own voice and the voices of others. How do you do this? Listen. Listen for the sound of your voice. Eventually you’ll be able to recognize it. What do you want? What will make you happy? What will bring you success? What does success look like to you? What will be fulfilling for you?

These are some of the questions you need to ponder on your journey called life. These of course, are not all of life’s questions, but this is a good place to start. Better late than never as they say. Some people are equipped with the tools to tackle these questions from the jump (lucky them!), but many others are not. Think of a RPG, typically you are given a certain amount of points to spend on specific character traits. Where do you think they came up with this system? From real life of course! No two individuals have an identical skillset, therefore no two individuals will approach challenges in the same exact way. One method may work for one person, but not work for another. Some people can sweet talk their way out of any scenario, others can problem solve like no other. Just because you’re one way, and someone is another doesn’t mean that you’re inferior to them or vice versa. You are unique. You are you, and there’s no one else exactly like you. Embrace it! Love who you are. Look how far you’ve come. We’re not fortune tellers, but we can all see into our own futures. Dream it. Manifest it. You are capable of opening your own doors if you put in the effort.

Life is a learning process. You’re continually building and reworking. Tinkering and tweaking. It is constant trial & error. Sometimes you may feel overwhelmed or drained, but you have to keep on trying. Life goes on. It can get monotonous at times, but there will always be twists and turns, hills and valleys. That’s just the nature of the beast. To get through the slow or dull times, you need to have interests, you need to have hobbies, you need to have passions. What keeps you going? Once you find it, pursue it with your every fiber. Do you want to be an artist? Do you want to make music on the side? Do you have stories to tell? Are you built for research? Do you love finance? Do it, chase it, whatever it is. Stop giving a fuck what other people think, stop letting people control your trajectory in life. Your parents want you to be a doctor, but you want to be a lawyer, then go to law school! If that results in you getting cut off, then good, you didn’t need that person or that energy in your life in the first place

You have to do what’s best for your own mental and emotional health. I can’t stress this enough. Taking care of your mind is just as important as eating healthy and exercising. Seeing a therapist regularly is exercise for your soul. It brings healing, it brings closure, it brings rebirth. I can’t speak highly enough of it. It works wonders. Society may call you defective for seeking therapy. Certain people from the church may try to pray your depression away. But mental illness is an infirmity same as the flu or a cold. It needs to be treated. It may start with medicine in the form of therapy, but it can end with rest and self-care. Therapy provides you with the tools necessary to cope. It helps you understand yourself better. It brings timbre to your voice. It helps you to know who you are and what you’re meant for. Once you have the tools, you’re able to do things on your own. I can attest to that. My mind is finally healthy for the first time in a long time, possibly in my entire life. I can think clearly now. The daily struggles of anxiety aren’t so hard to deal with anymore. I know better, I know more. I’m more capable, now that my demons are no longer breathing down my neck.

And to be quite honest I wouldn’t have gotten to my point of healing if I hadn’t reached the darkest time in my life. For years I knew that I was depressed. I struggled with it on and off since 10th grade, but I never did anything about it. I would reach a valley and decide that I needed help, but not seek it out. Sometimes I would come to the conclusion that I should probably see a therapist, but I never reached the point where I thought I needed to see one. I didn’t think that it was something that could be fixed. I figured the lows were inevitable and I just needed to wait them out. That, my friends is another fallacy. You can get better, you can heal. You’ll never fully get over your depression and anxiety but you can control it. You can tell them who’s boss. When you learn to better understand your own thoughts and emotions, you can keep these demons in front of you, on a tight leash, rather than stalking you from behind. You may have bad days or bad weeks, but if you keep your mind healthy you can start to minimize these moments. Things will get better organically, that’s the natural course of the universe, but you can help speed it up with mental exercises and positive thinking.

Easier said than done. It takes persistent effort and training on your part. People don’t go from glass-half-empty to glass-half-full overnight. Like the mental toolbox, some people start out optimistic, some people have the drive, the mental fortitude. But others do not. But don’t think about them, think about you. As fate would have it, the same week that I wrote my previous post about brighter days, my pastor started a new sermon series, which he has titled “Jogging for Jesus.” He has been making many significant points, but the emphasis has been on running your race. Your race is unique; your calling is unique. Don’t compare yourself to others. If you’re looking from side to side, or looking back, you’re not running as fast as when your eyes are forward, your head is down. Put on the blinders. If you know what you’re called to do, don’t let anything stop you. If you don’t know your calling yet, then pray that you find it. I’d like to believe the timing of this is divine providence. God telling me that I’m on the right path, going where I need to go. 

I know what my goal is and I know some of the steps I need to take to get there. Do you? You won’t know all the steps, but you’ll learn. Don’t let the pressures of society wear you down. Sometimes it may feel like a chicken & egg thing. On the one hand, depression and anxiety forming, due to the pressures of life. Onset stress due to perceived expectations. On the other, withdrawing from society due to our depression and anxiety. Turtling down, and walling up. Break the cycle. Stop giving a fuck about outside expectations. Think. Focus. Are you living up to your own expectations? Are your expectations even attainable? If they’re not, lower them. Lower them to an achievable level. Do what makes you happy. Find your purpose. And know that although it may be different than someone else’s, it is equally legitimate. And do whatever it takes to find your joy, to find your happiness, to find your love, to find your passion.

Unfortunately, drastic steps may need to be taken. Keep this in mind, always. Not everyone who loves you is for you. Not everyone that “matters” has your best interests at heart. Keep your circle tight. Stay on your guard. Be wary of negative energy, blackened auras. They say not to make snap judgments based on first impressions. I say be cautious. Sometimes your first impression may prove right. In the end, everyone is looking out for themselves. Some may be beneficial to you, you may be beneficial to others. Seek symbiotic relationships. You won’t know how clean someone is until you live with them. You won’t know someone’s true intentions until it comes to money. You don’t know how much someone truly cares about you until they hurt you. The trauma you endure from family, friends, school, the church, your peers is significant. It may not be intended, and you may not know it at the time, but the hurt we feel on a daily basis is tremendous, and life-altering. It’s not just about bullying or having soft skin. Sometimes the deepest wounds come from the ones we love and respect the most. But we are resilient. We will work our way through this. Whatever it takes. 

Again, easier said than done. But finding friendships and relationships is more than just finding people to hang out with. It’s finding people that are compatible to you, and you with them. It’s finding people who will put up with your shit, but also being there for them. We’re looking for synergy, working together to build a better future. That being said, you may need to distance yourself from some, cut people off, lose touch with others, whatever you have to do. But don’t just do it on a whim. That is why we need time to reflect and focus. Your words and your actions can’t be taken back. Apologies only go so far. But toxicity is detrimental to your mental health. Keep your mind strong, and exorcise whatever is holding you back, whatever is preventing you from living your best life. And I hate to say it, but you may need to remove family members or friends from your life. They may not be bad people, but the relationship can still be toxic! Don’t let them control you, don’t be willing to accept being gaslighted just because they love you. You don’t have to put up with this shit.

Sometimes distance is key. You may not feel comfortable cutting them off completely. It may weigh on your conscience. But it’s always good to take a step back. Think objectively. Disentangle the pros and the cons. The more you think on these things, the easier it is to decide what you want to do, figure out your approach. I know a lot of times hurt commands you, trauma leads you, but you have to extricate yourself from the situation. A friend of mine made a very poignant statement to me the other day, and it will resonate with me for the rest of my life. “At some point you start to realize that your parents are just other people.” A truer statement was never made. Yes, your parents will love you unconditionally in most cases. Yes, your parents want what’s best for you (again in most cases). Yes, your parents want you to be like them. But this may not be what’s best for your growth and development. I feel like a lot of times, your parents feel like they can control you, or they feel like you’re obligated to obey them just because you’re their offspring. Especially in Christian or immigrant households. But this doesn’t take into account that your mental makeup may differ, your interests may differ, your viewpoints may differ. We each see the world from one pair of eyes, our own. At some point you may find yourself at a crossroads. You may find that you’ve changed drastically in your 2+ decades here on this earth. That’s to be expected. Change occurs when you learn about the world, about society, about yourself. On one side you see a path leading down with your parent’s perspective, on the other you see the new ideas, doctrines, philosophies you’ve learned throughout the years. But you’re an adult now. It’s time for you to decide. Will you continue following in your parents’ shadow? Or will you forge your own way? It’s time to extract the way you see the world from the way your parents see the world. 

So it’s important to set aside time to think and meditate. Is this what I want? Or is this what they want for me? If they overlap or are identical, then great! The people in your life have the same expectations of you, and are holding you to the same standard that you hold yourself to. But the important thing is you took the time to analyze the situation. Cause more often than not, these goals do not coincide. When that happens you have a few decisions to make. Is it more important for you to feel fulfilled or is it more important for you to keep those around you satisfied? Are you ok being a people pleaser or do you want to seek your own happiness? Do you prefer prestige or respect? Do you want to make money or do you want to make art (they’re not mutually exclusive, but emphasis on one curtails the importance of the other)? There are no wrong answers, there’s only the right answer(s) for you. But you have to at least ask the questions. And it’s all a part of growing up. You have to separate your faith (or lack of faith) from your parent’s faith. Separate your world views from their world views. Separate your vision from their vision. Once you find your purpose, once you start doing things for you, you’ll be a lot happier. I guarantee it.

It will likely be a long process to get to where you want to be, but embrace the grind. You have to start from somewhere, so why not start with yourself? Life is too long to live each day in drudgery. But life is too short for you to not be shooting for the stars. Reaching up, and out, and around, looking to make your biggest impact. Breaking out of your cycle of misery and monotony starts with you. You may not feel up to it. Maybe life has kicked you around so many times that you lost count. Maybe you’ve been hurt too many times by friends and family members who don’t understand you. But things can change, people can change, you can change. But change starts from the inside. Don’t make the same mistakes that you made in past years or decades. Don’t make the same mistakes as your parents. What good are mistakes if you don’t learn from them? What good is experience if it doesn’t make you more mature? What good is adversity if it doesn’t mold you into an upgraded version of yourself?

Put in the effort. Put in the time. Work on yourself. Work hard. Persevere. You can heal your mind, you can heal your soul. You can find purpose. You can find ambition. It starts small. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Mind over matter. The focus is on you, on keeping your mind healthy. The most important thing is finding what makes you tick, and finding that extra gear. You were brought into this world to do something great! So work your way towards finding out what it is, and putting in your best effort. The work will be hard, the going may be slow, but little by little you’ll get to where you need to go. And when you get there, when you’re at the top of the mountain, you’ll have a lot to be proud of. Look how far you’ve come. Started from the bottom and now you’re here! You’ll have time to reflect, time to relax, time to reminisce. But you can say most assuredly that the blood, sweat & memories were worth the effort in the end.