I know I haven’t posted in a while. Miss me yet? For what it’s worth, I had this post queued up and ready to go. I had every intention of finishing this and posting it a few weeks ago. But as per the usual, life doesn’t always work out according to plan. Now, don’t freak out… But I had Covid. I tested positive on January 14^th, so this post as well as a couple of other things ended up being put on hold. I started feeling symptoms the previous Monday. Why’d it take me three days to get tested? Well, I didn’t think I had it until I was already at work on Wednesday. And I still stubbornly stayed the whole day, which proved to be a mistake.  

So, what happened? How did I feel? Glad you asked! I felt like shit, to say the least. Now, I didn’t get it too bad. My case was somewhere between asymptomatic and hospital visit. I’m young, relatively healthy, and I’ve always had a strong immune system. So, this was in-line with what I was expecting when they told me the test results. It started out with a sore throat on Monday, on Tuesday I started feeling body aches and alternating between chills and sweats. Wednesday, I started having shortness of breath and congestion. It felt like I was walking around in cold altitude is how I would describe it. Thursday, I developed a cough and my brain started going cloudy. There was not much I could do. Intake Vitamin C, take some painkillers, drink soup, sip tea, get some rest. I just needed to let the illness run its course. Thank God that it did. I’m back baby! Things are pretty much back to normal, although I do have a slight stuffy nose that refuses to go away. I think that’s how it’s going to be, for the time being. I’m OK with that.   

I still have my health, Covid did nothing to diminish that. And now I have my mind back, so there’s nothing that can stop me! I’d have to say this is the sickest I’ve ever felt, although that’s not saying much. I’ve fortunately been extremely blessed when it comes to physical health. I rarely get sick. There’s a total of one time in my life where I felt sick enough to compare to this experience. A few years back I had the flu. I had gotten it due to an extremely dumb decision that didn’t even need hindsight to see how dumb it was. I shared a joint with someone who admittedly told me that he had the flu. You know how it is, we’re young and we’re dumb. We think we’re invincible. Surprise, surprise, I ended up getting the flu. Again, stubborn me tried to work through it. I refused to call out, showed up to work on Monday and Tuesday, and was miserable throughout. I ended up taking the rest of the week off. Now this happened in 2015. I had never felt that sick up til then, or since. Until now. In my experience, was Covid worse than the flu? I hesitate to give it a definitive yes. Six years is a long time. It’s hard to say exactly how I felt. Was Covid equally as bad as that flu? Yes, without question. So, what’s the point of all this? Well… nothing. It’s just a long-winded intro to explain where I’ve been the last month and a half or so. With you in spirit, but not in mind. Stay safe guys, be careful. I still don’t know how exactly I got Covid. I’ve been wearing a mask everywhere and being cautious. Covid doesn’t give a shit! Socially distance until they say otherwise. We’ll get through it eventually.  

Well now that I’ve sufficiently used up your attention span, let the planned post commence. The day came and went without much fanfare like most other days. It was a momentous occasion but one that I didn’t feel needed celebrating. A few weeks ago, marked the one-year anniversary of me quitting my job. It’s not something I would’ve even remembered if it wasn’t for TimeHop. I had taken a picture of the email that was the catalyst. The last straw. That picture was the only thing I kept in remembrance of that day. This is not a story that I’ve told many people (although I wrote a post about this last year apparently). Simply because there never really seemed to be an appropriate time to talk about it, and because the negativity surrounding the incident would only serve to overshadow the immense good that came as a result. Turning a new leaf, starting fresh, starting over. And that’s what I really needed all that time. Something to live for, a goal to strive towards. I needed something to push me.   

And this was it. I’d been talking about leaving this job for years. But it never happened. I made up excuses, ones that I eventually started to believe. I made plans, ones that I didn’t follow through with. When I first started there as an intern in November 2013, I was planning on staying there short-term. Get some experience then be on my way. When it came time to graduate the following December, I realized that it would be much easier to continue on there, rather than to start the job hunt anew. So, I asked and I received. The intention then was to stay on for 2 years, then find my way out. Evidently that did not work out. Life had other things in store for me. That summer, the person training me went on maternity leave, so I was thrown in the proverbial fire. No longer with a crutch to lean upon, I started figuring things out on my own. My growth was imminent and exponential. So, when we reached the one-year mark, things were good. I was learning new skills and being overloaded with information. But I was able to handle it, I could process it. But after my second summer being full-time, things started going downhill from there.  

The year was 2016, and my lease was almost up. None of my housemates were planning on staying in the area so I had to figure something out. Luckily for me, I had a friend who was also moving out of his current place, and was looking for a roommate. It was destiny. Kismet. Meant to be. So I packed up my stuff and headed to Queens. New locale, so it was time for a new job. I took some time to get settled in, then I hopped back on the (job) boards. I went slow at first, working my way up, but once I started finding my groove, fate had other plans for me. This time, my supervisor went on maternity leave, so I was given additional burdens to bear. Consequently, my plans for leaving were thus scrapped. I soldiered on. I continued to grin and bear it. It wasn’t so bad; things could be worse. And boy, somehow things did get worse before they got better. But I guess that’s to be expected. It’s always darkest before the dawn as they say.  

I ended up staying there for three more years, for a grand total of six years. If you think six years is a long time for a millennial to stay at one job, then I’d say you’re right. You’re absolutely right, six years is a significant amount of time. But in order for me to leave this job, certain things needed to happen in my life. Things out of my control. Some circumstances that were downright shitty at the times that they happened, but in retrospect were absolutely essential. I needed to be broken down, rebuilt, and restored. This was a multi-step process. And maybe that’s what I kept missing all those years. I tried to skip steps, tried to jumpstart to the end. We all know that it never works out that way. But somehow, some way I kept rinsing and repeating. Naively expecting a better outcome. But if you don’t have a solid foundation you’ll never get very far. A few steps forwards, a thousand steps back. And that was me for a long time. Without a solid foundation. Standing in the midst of traffic. Easy prey for the wolves. We know what some of my wolves are, I’ve been talking about them for over a year now. But as we all know, I’m extremely stubborn and refused to see things from a different perspective, even though my current perspective wasn’t working in the slightest.  

So how does one address these issues? You need to admit that you are broken, and be willing to accept outside help. It’s ok to acknowledge that you can’t do everything on your own. Just because you asked for help, doesn’t mean that you are weak. You are far from weak. It takes a strong will to admit your faults to yourself and others. It takes a strong mind to alter your thought process and realize that things aren’t working. It takes a strong heart to be able to assist others on their journey while you’re still figuring things out for yourself. Oftentimes we miss the forest for the trees. We diminish our accomplishments; we downplay our strengths and our skillsets. We’ve spent so much time self-deprecating that we forgot that there are things that we’re actually good at. We don’t realize or appreciate how resilient we are. Sometimes we lack confidence in ourselves because we’re too busy comparing ourselves to others. But we have to stay focused. Keep our eye on our prize. Aim high, and shoot for the stars. Set goals that are realistic for you. We have to give ourselves more freedom to live out our own dreams. We have to stop being followers, and start being doers. Stop keeping up appearances and keeping up with the Joneses. Focus on you, and what’s beneficial for you, and what success looks like for you. Doing what’s best for you, guarantees happiness, trust me. When your life is fulfilling, you have something to live for. Finding that something could take years or even decades, but finding it is absolutely necessary. Life is easier when you love what you’re doing. Finding a purpose helps you set appropriate goals, both short-term and long-term. It’s important to set goals that are ambitious, yet attainable. Not end goals, but rather staging points to continuously launch yourself to bigger and better things.  

I’ll be straight with you, goal-setting had always been an issue for me. I was a mess before I started going to therapy. Maybe that’s why I needed therapy. Chicken or egg. That’s neither here nor there. I will never not recommend seeing a therapist if you think you need one. The stigma regarding mental health is lessening, but it is still taboo in many circles. Let’s abolish this false narrative. Let’s talk about it. Your mental health is important. Period. Point blank. No ifs, ands, or buts. Take care of yourself. Your mind is your strongest weapon. Your emotions are your shield. Protect yourself. Strengthen your weak areas. Cut out anyone or anything that doesn’t make you a better version of yourself. Speaking from experience, this starts with your mindset. Continues with the people you surround yourself with and the goals you set for yourself, and culminates with the impact you make on society and the way(s) you give back. Giving back is paramount, non-negotiable. It is a pre-requisite for unlocking greater blessings in your life. I try not to be pushy, but let’s be honest. If you’re not giving back, what’s the point? Big or small, it doesn’t matter. What matters, is the act of giving. What will your legacy be? Do you want to be remembered as the miserly scrooge who cared for no one but himself? The one who took, took, took but never gave? The universe reads energy. Karma is real. That is something I firmly believe. You won’t find this doctrine written explicitly in the Bible. But tell me, is the Golden Rule not a loose interpretation of this Buddhist maxim? Think about it. People who have a negative mindset are more apt to have bad things happen to them. Those who find joy in the little things are generally happier. That isn’t to say that only good things happen to positive people, or only bad things happen to negative people. But you can try to channel this energy. Giving positively in order to receive positively. Mindset is half the battle.   

Mindset establishes the tone for your life. For the most part, things don’t just happen. A glass doesn’t fall off the table unless it is affected externally. It has to be disrupted by something, whether it be a human hand, a pet, or an earthquake. Likewise, for humans, actions start with thoughts. Therefore, your life trajectory is initially determined by how you think and what you think about. Once this seed leaves your brain, either through word or action, you lose a lot of control. The seed is affected and altered by other’s opinions, the actions of others, x-factors, etc. The seed that began as your own has now become part of the world. Thus, it is important to grow this seed and nurture it on your own before you impart it unto the ether. Form this seed with a solid core, a firm foundation. This applies to most everything (ideas, business plans, stories, and so on) but let’s focus on your mindset, and your world view. Your mindset is the basis of your thought process. It takes an objective situation and infuses it with your own distinct flavor. This in turn, forms your world view – how you perceive the things around you. Without a strong base, it is easy to be swayed to and fro. Like a flower in the wind without firm root.   

That’s why it’s so important to pay attention to your mental health. What are the red flags going off in your brain? What is broken? Can it be fixed? Listen to yourself. If something feels off or isn’t right, there’s likely something wrong. Sometimes our bodies are smarter than we are. Oftentimes we don’t like to deal with pain because we’re afraid to get hurt. We don’t want to deal with the emotions because we’re too scared. That’s all fine and good sometimes. We’re not always ready to address these issues right away. But you have to deal with them eventually. Pain reveals our weaknesses. It opens up our blind spots. It shows us what needs to be worked on. Adversity makes us stronger; it builds character. It sucks, I know, trust me, I know. But without it nothing changes. We stick with the status quo. Which can sometimes leave us in a rut. Granted everyone is different. Each person has their own strategy when it comes to tackling challenges. For me, I became too comfortable. What I had could’ve been worse, but I wasn’t willing to take the risks to pursue something better. I wasn’t happy, I was content. But that was as good as I could get. I didn’t know what happiness looked like; I didn’t know that it was something I could attain. I had repressed my emotions so deep that I temporarily removed many of the challenges from my life. But that’s just it, that’s a temporary fix to a more deep-seated problem. But eventually the reaper comes calling. The bill comes due… with interest! The thing you buried and marked as “complete” has only been given more room to fester and grow. Grow into a monster.  

You know how it is. They tell us to be strong, but they define strength as being emotionless, being stoic. We need to be macho men who love cars, sports, and working out. They want us to be the strong, silent type. We don’t talk about our feelings; we don’t talk about our wants and desires. We are men. That’s what they like to tell us. But this is far from the truth. This is not true strength. True strength comes from having mental fortitude. From being who we’re meant to be, and being true to ourselves. True strength comes in many shapes and sizes. There is no one-size-fits-all cookie cutter model, no matter how much they try to tell us otherwise. Each person is unique. We are all individuals. Try to remember that. It’s ok to have your doubts, it’s ok to show emotion, to have your insecurities. Bottling it up is what they tell you to do, but it’s not what you should be doing. The healthiest way to address your issues is to address them head-on.   

But know this. In order to address them head-on you have to be real with yourself. Being real with yourself will open you up to past traumas. It will make you focus on emotions that you’d rather not think about. Be mentally prepared for criticism. It took 22 months of hard work to get to where I am today. Yes, therapy was hard work. It involved sharing personal details, and making myself vulnerable. It meant digging into my past and my upbringing. It took analyzing my faith (or lack thereof), it took examining my relationships with people around me. It took time and effort. But it was well worth it in the end. I overcame my fears, I conquered my depression, I learned to control my anxiety. But none of that happens without first realizing that things weren’t working; accepting that I didn’t have all the answers; and acknowledging that I needed help. After that, I was able to move forwards. Once I got my mind right, everything else started to click in place. 

But like I said earlier, this was a multi-step process. It turns out that many aspects of my life were not where they needed to be. For 20+ years I did not have a firm foundation, and my coping mechanisms were faulty. I thought I had things under control. Sure, things sucked but it always followed a cycle. I just had to anticipate the changes by watching the signs. I just needed to savor the good times, and wait out the bad times, right? WRONG. This type of thinking is accepting defeat, it opens up the way for negativity to flood into your life. It leads to disappointment and failure. This is the sign of a weak mind. You’ve resigned yourself to the “fact” that things will never get better, that you can’t heal, that you’re fucked up beyond repair. This type of self-doubt is not healthy or necessary. No matter how you look at it, this type of thinking will never bear fruit. It is the path of destruction, the way towards implosion and breakdown. Work on your mind first, and everything will follow. 

Once we started digging deep in our sessions, we were able to trim & prune. Separate the good from the bad. Find my true essence. Find who I am. With my emotions locked away for the longest time, my identity had been lost. I didn’t know who I was, because I turned my eye from my pain. I bandaged up my trauma, and called it good. I found that I relied too much on the opinions of my peers. I was too focused on how others perceived me. I let others dictate to me how I should live my life. I had no ambition, no dreams, because my true purpose had been suppressed. My calling was unrevealed to me because I was listening to the wrong voices. I needed to be around others because I was scared of the thoughts I would have when I was alone. In short, I lacked confidence in myself, and in my abilities. I lamented being a loser, for not having the life I wanted. But I never genuinely worked towards it or fully realized what it was that I was looking for. In the end, all it really took was some introspection and a push to nudge me in the right direction. But first I needed to remove the scales from my eyes. See that I was blessed beyond belief, and gifted with talent. Grow my confidence bit by bit.  

One way my therapist recommended doing that was keeping a journal. Logging positivity daily. What went well today? What did I like about myself today? What am I grateful for today? Three questions, three sentences, three answers. A method of bringing balance to your innately cynical perspective. Injecting positivity into the miasma that is tainting your brain. Manufactured ardor. The more you tell yourself that your life is good, the more you start to believe it. Eventually positivity becomes your truth. And life gets easier. Maintaining a positive outlook allows you to take a step back and not be so uptight. Your perspective changes and you start counting your blessings and you stop taking things for granted. Your mind opens up. The things weighing in the back of your mind start to dissipate. Your headspace clears up, allowing you to redirect your focus towards what’s next. You’ve been told many a time to keep an open mind, but opening up your mind is equally as important. For me, opening up my mind brought me back to church. 

You and I both know that I have many issues regarding “the Church.” Many “Christians” give us a bad name. My problems are not with Jesus, but with the people and the institution. For several years, it was hard for me to make this distinction, and so it was just easier to cut ties entirely. The people turned me off to religion, and the institution separated me from the love of God. Sad to say, but everyone has an agenda. Whether or not there’s an ulterior motive is a discussion for a different day. Be wary of the doctrine that’s being pushed upon you. Question everything. Take nothing for fact at face value. The tone and voice of God is distinct, and it may come from unexpected places. But by the same token, the voice of a loved one may be speaking for the devil. You need to learn to distinguish the voices around you. The time I spent away from the church helped me to learn. It helped me to tear down the groundwork and start from scratch. It showed me what was Biblical and helped me separate myself from what was merely churchly. Know this: not everything you learn from church is from God. And not everything from the Bible can or should be taken literal. Remember the cultural context. Somethings can be applied both then and now, but not all. The time I spent away showed me that I still needed Him. I didn’t lose my faith or my belief per se, but the strength of my convictions had disappeared completely. Repairing my broken mind helped to restore my faith, it helped me find my purpose, helped me fix my eye upon a higher goal. 

Once I redirected my focus, what I had soon increased ten-fold. What I thought was the best for me, now became the floor. What I had, was now due to the least of my abilities. There was more, and I could see a path towards it. It became evident that the cap that was limiting me from fulfilling my potential was merely a mental blockage. It was my mindset that was holding me back the whole time. What I thought I knew, was only the beginning. I thought I knew how to manage my money, but it turns out that it was only the start. I thought I was making the right decisions to guide me on the path to success. But it turns out that this was someone else’s path, not what was right for me. No wonder I was miserable. Not only was I at a dead-end job, but I was at the wrong one. I was at a place whose values did not align with my own. That’s a sure sign that it’s time for something new. Time for something better. You’ve gotten to your comfort zone, but you’ve outgrown your situation.  

Time to move on. “Good enough” is never good enough. By uttering those words you’ve accepted your position in life. In an ever-changing world you’ve allowed yourself to stagnate. In MMA there are three phases: standup, the clinch, and the ground game. One matchup that they like to pair together often is the classic striker vs. grappler matchup. One guy is trying to stay on his feet, while the other guy is trying to take him down. Oftentimes when the striker gets taken down, you hear the commentators talk about the bottom fighter not accepting the takedown. They are either constantly working their way back up to their feet or trying to set up a submission of their own. Likewise, we should not accept where we’re at in life. Always look for an avenue to improve or look for a way out. Moving laterally is acceptable if it shows you a new path towards greatness. Achieving greatness, and becoming successful should always be your end goal. It’s up to you to define success and figure out the way there. But you don’t have to go it alone. Everyone has different experiences in life. Everyone faces a distinct set of challenges. But these challenges are not unique. Someone somewhere has gone through the same thing that you’re going through. If you don’t have the answers, it’s possible to find them from someone else, or to draw them from yourself. Maybe you actually do know the answer, but you haven’t been looking at it from the right viewpoint. 

Therapy or no therapy, introspection is critical. It’s another life skill that needs to be learned and sharpened. It’s important to be able to look at your life objectively, to take a non-biased view of what is going on. There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and another between fact and delusion. Is your life in line with where you want it to be? If not, what are the steps you need to take in order to get there? Are you accepting responsibility for the adversity in your life or are you blaming others? Do you recognize your faults or are you overvaluing your skillset? You don’t need to come up with solutions right away, but you have to at least think about it and reflect. Introspection, in the end, was really the greatest tool that I added to my toolbox over the last two years. My therapist had some answers for me, but much of them came from reflection under her guidance. And with introspection, I was able to better my life. 

Maintaining the status quo was no longer tenable. I knew I was worth so much more, and capable of doing greater things. But I’d been mired in mediocrity for so long that it took time for the notion of leaving to ripen. It took all of 16 months to finally make my way out. But make my way out I did and I haven’t looked back. When I started therapy, I was broken and lost. When I left, I was a new man with a new outlook on life. In our final session, my therapist asked me how I felt. I told her that I was energized and excited for the next chapter in life. For the first time in a long time, I finally had a healthy mind. It took labor and toil to fortify my mind, to build me from the bottom up, to make me stable enough to sustain myself. But with much help I did it. The time was finally right. To move on, to start fresh, to make a clean break.

All those times I tried to move on before, they don’t matter. The timing wasn’t right. I didn’t have all the tools I needed. However, God still had a plan for me throughout, even when I wasn’t listening to Him. Even when I was throwing a daily pity party, even when I felt unloved, He was still with me, guiding my steps. I had neglected my emotions for so long; it was time to come to grips with them and tackle them once and for all. It was time to talk about my depression, talk about my anxiety. I could no longer hide from them. I needed to understand my emotions and give them room to roam, instead of bottling them up where the sun don’t shine. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be upset, but it’s important to find where these emotions are stemming from and determine whether or not they’re justified. Becoming in tune with my emotions was one of the secondary goals of our therapy sessions. Once we accomplished the task at hand, we were able to move to our tertiary target: defining career aspirations. 

With extreme deliberation, in our last ten months together, we were able to determine what it was that I was looking for, what was working, and what wasn’t. We redefined the purpose for my life, and it became clear that I wasn’t thinking about things the right way. Subconsciously I reverted to my normal excuse-making behavior. I couldn’t write until I got a job that facilitated writing. Getting a marketing job would encourage me to write more. I write best when I’m inspired. These are just some of the excuses that I made. I remember in a job interview I had a few years ago, the interviewer asked me what my hobbies were. I told him that I liked reading. He then followed up with whether or not I liked writing, and I told him, “I should write more but I don’t.” I am lightyears away from the person that gave that answer. I don’t care if you want me to write, I don’t care what you want me to write about. All that matters is that I write for me.

This whole time, my calling, my purpose was sitting right there in front of me. But I wasn’t able to see it until year 27. I pray that you find your calling sooner rather than later. But there is never a time that is too late. Some of us are late bloomers. When I was younger, I wrote songs, I wrote poems, but becoming a writer was never an option in my mind. It was something I never really thought about. Writing was a strength that I always took for granted. Not everyone is flowery with their prose, not everyone has a way with words, not everyone can tell a story. Truth be told, I can’t really talk right, I’m awkward as hell. But I can write a kick-ass sentence, and I’m blessed for it. 

All it took was gentle but consistent nudging. Something that I didn’t have for much of my life. All I needed was someone to reveal my strength to me. To buttress my resolve. To build my confidence. To reconstruct my shattered mind. To find emotion. To have ambition. Once all things were in place, only then could I move on. I left my misery in the previous decade. I said so long to my pain. Once I found myself again, I was able to make a clean break.