Listen 

And… we’re back! Sorry I’ve been so sporadic with my posts lately. I haven’t been consistent in the slightest, and I apologize for that. I’d like to say that things came up, but that’s not exactly the truth. The implied connotation for that phrase is similar to, “we need to talk.” A declaration that something is wrong, that confrontation is imminent, that an urgent matter is on the docket. But that is not the case in this regard. Simply put, I’ve been busy. I’m still just as dedicated to my writing as I have been, but let’s be honest, so far 2021 has been much different than 2020. But then again, each year is different. That’s just the reality of it. We like to throw around the phrases, “same old, same old,” or “same shit, different day,” but that’s selling each 24-hour period short. The implication is that you believe that each day is the same as the next. If that were truly the case, then believing that change is on the horizon or that there are better days ahead would be illogical. If each day is the same then there is no allowance for nuance. But that’s not how life is. Each day is different, and as such, each week is different, each month is different, and each year is different. 

The long and the short of it is that in 2020 I had more time to write. There were periods of time when I wasn’t working; there were times when I was working from home; on top of that, the whole world was shut down, which all afforded me extra writing time. Although I haven’t been posting as much this year, I can still see that this year is fruitful. Things are coming together for sure. Although the fingers aren’t clacking (as much), the mind is still working, the gears still turning, ideas still engaging. I set my goals: short-term, long-term, and in the mid-future, and I won’t settle until I’ve accomplished everything I’ve set out and more! I believe in myself, I trust in my God-given ability, and I know my self-worth. My mind is focused, my blinders are up. I know what I have to do, it’s just a matter of doing it now.  

But just cause my mind is clear and my objective is off in the distance and there for the taking, it doesn’t mean I can’t always learn more and I can’t find alternative paths that lead to my destination. Life is all about learning and adapting. Those that don’t adapt, get left behind. In an ever-changing world you can’t afford to let that happen. You need to keep an open mind. I know I keep going back to the same old mantras, but I repeat them because I believe in them. That being said, keeping an open mind means being amenable to gaining knowledge from unexpected sources. One such source would be God. Obviously, whether or not it’s unexpected depends on your perspective. 

When God tells you something, listen. Listening and obeying is what I struggle with, more than anything else. I know I’ve said that about other things, but it’s for real this time! Growing up, I always prayed for guidance, to hear his voice, for Him to show me a sign. And He always granted that request. It turns out that maybe I was praying for the wrong thing. What I probably needed more was actually an obedient heart and discernment. But it’s hard to break out of habits, especially bad ones. That only became more and more evident as I went to more therapy sessions. Not to sound like a broken record, but looking back on things you’ve learned, you realize how simplistic all these lessons seem. But the little things add up. Small tips and tricks go a long way. Each seemingly minuscule lesson or change in your lifestyle plays a part in altering your brain chemistry and your mindset. It’s easy to retreat to your default thought process; sometimes it seems as though the more things change, the more they stay the same. It’s hopeless. I can’t change. I can’t get better. It’s just wasted effort. I try and try but nothing is different. These are all lies. Don’t let that sense of doubt creep into your mind. In order to enact change in your life, you need to be intentional.  

The old adage, “you’ll only change if you want to change,” is not just a cliché. Sure, maybe it’s overused, but it’s still a truth that you need to internalize. Come to think of it, most of these sayings have lost their meaning. But take a second and really think about the words. You’ll find meaningful advice hidden there. Breaking out of habits takes time and concentrated effort. When you find yourself falling back into bad habits, you have to make a mental note of it and force yourself to think, act, or react in a different way. Eventually this will become your new norm, but it will not develop on its own. At the start it needs to be manufactured. The first step to progress is acknowledging that there is something wrong and that things could be done differently. But remember that the first step is the hardest part. Once you accept responsibility for the change in your life it becomes easier. You’ll start seeing the steps lay themselves out in front of you. You’ll be able to see what you need to do and where you need to go. Now keep in mind that it won’t always be easy. You might backslide or feel like you’re regressing, but you need to keep pushing forward. That’s the only way.  

The only way to develop a habit is repetitive action. The only way to break a habit is intentional action. Progress begins with you. The person most capable of helping you is yourself. The most reliable person in your life is you. People may tell you that they’ll be with you through thick and thin, but their actions might tell you differently. But that’s just how life goes. People drift apart, friendships fizzle out. People will let you down, even your loved ones. An innocuous comment can end up cutting deep. Words can be misconstrued; actions can be misinterpreted. You aren’t going to make everyone happy. You can’t please everyone. That’s just the way of it. That’s why you have to focus on yourself and your goals. The only thing in your control is you. We’re all individuals and as such we will react differently to external stimuli. You have to learn how to tune out the noise, which again takes concentrated effort. If you want better for your life, you have to reach out and grasp it. It’s there for the taking. 

But it’s important to form good habits. Without good habits you won’t consistently get the most effective results. Don’t get me wrong, good things can and will happen, and you will have positive outcomes, but the process is equally as important as the end result. Your main focus in life should be setting yourself up for success, both in the present and in the future. And this starts with the process. If your process is solid then your results will be consistent. On your path towards greatness, consistency is paramount. You have to break out of the cycle of monotony and despair. Life is too short to spend the majority of it miserable. Love the life you live, it’s the only one you’ve got! If you’re not happy with where your life is then you have to take the proper steps to pursue happiness. No one is going to do it for you. Your happiness and sense of purpose are more important than money or prestige. If you wake up one day and realize that you’ve gone down the wrong career path, it’s not too late to change. You are in control of your life. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes you feel stuck or lost, but you need to take a step back and BREATHE. Relax and refocus.  

Once you’ve realized your purpose, you have to do everything in your power to reach your dreams and achieve your goals. Don’t start doubting your ability, and don’t question your decisions. Once you make a decision, stick to it! But keep in mind, that it’s okay to “fail”. Not everything is going to work out the way you anticipated. Not everything will be accomplished on your first try. What matters is that you tried. But now that you’ve seen Method A turn up unsuccessful, it’s time to try Methods B, C, and D. Keep pushing. Let the word “failure” be stricken from your vocabulary. You know where you wanna go, it’s just a matter of figuring out what needs to be done, and actually doing it. Don’t let fear control you. Too often, people our generation are holding themselves back due to their fears. Fear of living up, fear of meeting expectations, fear of opinions, fear of image. But none of this matters nearly as much as you think it does. You have to do what’s best for #1. If you feel like you need to quit your toxic work environment, do it. If you think it’s best to decline a promotion because it doesn’t help you on your career path or doesn’t feel like the right fit, do it. If you feel like it’s time to exit the regular workforce and start working for yourself, doing contractor work, or going back to school, DO IT. It’s not too late to start over, or to pursue something different. Don’t call it a mid-life or a quarter-life crisis. Instead call it quarter-life renewal & rediscovery. People change their minds about things all the time, so do not be afraid to change your mind in regards to your career. People don’t always stick with one thing. Most people have multiple things that they’re passionate about. People have differing interests, and sometimes these interests change. Do what makes you happy, do what feels fulfilling, do what you love. Release yourself from your fear(s), you’ll feel much better for it. 

Others will look at you funny, trust me. Someone somewhere will think you’re crazy for doing what you just did. You turned down a lucrative financial position to become an artist?! You quit your job with nothing lined up and took six months off?! You took a job that pays you less?! First off, mind your business. Second, I’m doing this for ME. Like I said, you can’t please everyone. Fuck the haters, it’s your life. People like to talk, people like to gossip, people like to judge, but that’s cause they’re jealous. They wish they had the cojones to quit their job without anything lined up. They wish they had the drive to pursue their dreams. They wish they weren’t riddled with self-doubt. They like to make excuses, and claim that they’re stuck. The only thing stuck is their mindset. They accepted mediocrity, they embraced monotony, they settled into their loser mentality. So don’t get too caught up in the opinions of people that don’t matter. It’s in one ear, out the other. Brush your shoulders off. Losers can’t bring you down. Cut off the negativity. Positive vibes only. You’ve got this shit. You’re on top of the world and nobody can stop you. You’ll come out just fine, because you’re working on you.  

For reasons unknown, it is taboo to talk about mental illness and emotional health in this society. But we need to break the stigma. It’s okay to admit that you’re broken, in fact we all are. Let’s talk about it. I’ve been beating this drum for a year and a half now, and I ain’t gonna relent. Sorry, not sorry. This is an issue that I will always go to bat for. It would be a waste if I went to 22 months of therapy and didn’t share my knowledge and experience. You know me, I am a strong advocate for therapy. But if there is anything in my power to prevent someone from reaching the point where it is necessary, I will do it. Whether that be in the form of conversation, encouragement, or advice, I stand open before you. I am not a professional, and I will never claim to be one, but I am more than willing to open up a dialogue. I was in a dark place and I don’t want to see other people go down a similar path. It pains my heart to see such brokenness. 

My girlfriend’s sister asked me the other day if I was happy. And I told her unequivocally, “yes I am.” I feel good about where I am. I may not have a high paying job, own a house, or have fame or recognition, but I can say that I undoubtedly am thriving. That’s because I’ve been cutting out the bullshit, I’ve slowly but systematically removed the toxins from my bloodstream. It started out with my loser mindset. I was like every other miserable millennial in the US: working a dead end job that I hated; not saving enough money for my future; not thinking I had a future; thinking that this was it, I’m going to be working and grinding for 45 years with nothing to show for it; feeling lost and unfulfilled. My thoughts were filled with pessimism, self-lament, melancholy, and nihilism. But I found a higher purpose. It stemmed from reaching the darkest point of my life, but without it there wouldn’t have been progress. I needed something that would catch my attention and get me to therapy, and this was God’s way of doing it. 

There were several occasions where therapy looked like it was on the horizon but never ended up happening. There was a period of time in college where I went to see one a few times, but it wasn’t consistent. It was a school-provided service, which let’s be honest, isn’t the greatest. I don’t pin all the blame on the individuals working there, a university has thousands of students, not everyone is going to get the adequate care that they need. So that didn’t work out. There were several times in high school where my depression kicked in to a higher gear, and I told my mom I needed to see a therapist. But if mental health is taboo now, it was even more so back then, so that didn’t happen either. Regardless, God found a way. He gave me what I needed, and I’m better for it.

There’s no doubt in my head that it worked, that’s why I’m such a strong advocate for it. Early on, I had told my therapist, “I feel like depression will never leave me. I can figure out methods to cope with it, but it will always creep back.” Let me be the first to tell you that this is another lie from the devil. I can happily say that I’ve been freed from the bonds of depression, and I’m never going back! Sure, sometimes it tries to creep back, but I don’t let it take root. You can have shitty days, everyone has them, but you aren’t going to have a shitty life. But in order to prevent that, you have to cut out toxicity. There are some things that you may not be able to get rid of right away, that is why you have to take the time to evaluate your life. What negative things affect you the most? What things can be changed quickly? If you don’t like certain things in your life, it’s up to you to change it. For me my trimming process went as such: first I stopped taking everything my mom said to heart, she means well but she is manipulative and controlling; second I left my toxic work environment, which allowed me to start thinking clearly for the first time in six years; third I drank and smoked less, lessening my dependence on crutches that prevented me from properly addressing issues; fourth I started concerning myself less with the opinions of my friends and peers, I killed my FOMO and I stopped trying to live up to expectations that I had projected upon them. Once I cut out the negative energy, I was able to redefine my life in accordance to God’s will. What was my purpose and what were my strengths?

Realizing what I wanted to do with my life was the most empowering and freeing thing that ever happened to me. Sure, I didn’t find out until 28, but it’s not too late to chase your dream. That’s what drives me forward, that’s why I can be happy in such a fucked up and miserable world. Cause I know I will hit it big with my writing someday. That I believe, and that’s what gives me the motivation to tackle each new day. I’m on a path towards greatness. Right now where I’m at is just a quick pitstop. But I do get the sense that if circumstances were different and if I had paid more attention earlier in my life I would’ve ascertained my life ambition sooner. I mean, that’s neither here nor there, but let’s just play this scenario out.

God is the creator of everything, that much we know. God works in mysterious ways is another saying that we hear often. That being said, God is the creator of foreshadowing, although we really don’t think about that. If I look back on my life, reading and writing have been constants. Writing is what I was called to do, but it took me a while to put two and two together. God played with foreshadowing so that the older me would know that this is in fact what I’m called to do. When I was a kid sure I played outside like everyone else, but mostly I was inside playing with Legos or reading books. As I got older I drifted away from casual reading, but did still thoroughly enjoy nearly every novel that we read in my English classes. I still remember To Kill a Mockingbird, Beowulf, 1984, Of Mice & Men, and many more. I didn’t start reading casually again until I got to college, but it quickly became one of my favorite pastimes. Reading just hits different. There’s nearly no limit to the depths your imagination can go to when devouring fiction that’s free from the inhibition of pre-conceived visual representation. This aspect is what makes books and audiobooks unique compared to other art forms. Anyway, I’m drifting off topic here. 

I’ve been blogging on and off for more than a decade. As a pre-teen I had a Xanga page. I don’t remember what I posted on there, but most of it was writing in some form. Back in sixth grade, I started listening to rap music, so I thought I could become a rapper, so I wrote a few rhymes. In eighth grade I started playing guitar, so I thought I could be in a band, so I wrote some lyrics. Later on, I started a blogspot then switched to Tumblr. I mostly just reposted pictures and random things that I liked, but my freshman year of college I started writing poetry. And now obviously, I write here. So what does this all have in common? Writing. Writing is writing is writing. The funny thing is I didn’t start seeing myself as a creative until recently. But when it comes down to it, that’s what I’ve always been. I wasn’t built for an office job, or to be a salesperson. That’s one of the reasons why I was miserable for so long. 

John Mayer once described creativity as pulling something into existence; reaching behind a veil that separates what you know from what you don’t know, and creating something from it. One of my friends had shown me this clip recently, and there couldn’t be a more apt comparison. When I work on my blog posts/essays and my fantasy novel/series, it truly does feel like that’s what I’m doing. My essays are usually long because they don’t feel complete until I’ve said everything that I want to say. It’s a way of organizing my thoughts into coherent sentences and paragraphs. For my novel, the story is buried in my head somewhere but it’s like uncovering a fossil. Bits and pieces become clearer as I think more about it. It truly feels like a lightbulb moment each time I answer one of the questions that was circulating in my mind. Although nothing has been written at that point, progress has still been made. So it’s slowly but surely coming together, and I won’t rush greatness.

So even though it took longer than needed for me to finally understand the impact that I was meant to make in this world, I won’t stress about it. But the loss of time is why it isn’t just about hearing God’s voice, it’s also about listening and obeying. When He tells you something, it could come in the form of a strong nudge or a straight up shout, but be obedient. It’s always better in the long run. In the past, if I didn’t like the sign He gave me, I would ask for another sign or do the opposite like Jonah. But you can’t fool God. You’ll usually find your way back to that same crossroads further down the line. When you’re doing things according to God’s will you will know, because he will give you continuous nudges of encouragement and reveal more signs to light your path. Likewise, if you keep doing the opposite, He will also let you know. Because He also has a funny sense of humor; it could come to you as minor embarrassment or become an “I told you so moment.” The best you can do is listen and obey. God will always find a way. But will He need to tell you twice?