This is part three of a four-part series

My mental health journey has had many ups and many downs. That’s to be expected when you’re willfully living life like it’s a rollercoaster. Like I’ve said, the pre-therapy version of myself was not in control of his emotions, not very discerning, not overly knowledgeable. I wouldn’t say I was dumb. I was far from it. But I wasn’t nearly as smart as I made myself out to seem. Nor was I as unintelligent or as worthless as I believed. I resided somewhere in the middle, but for the longest time I didn’t really know where. I’ve said this a few times already but I’ll keep saying it: I’m not like most people. I think some people understood this pretty early on, but I most assuredly wasn’t one of them. You’d think my music choice would’ve tipped me off (I’ll touch upon this in more depth later), but evidently I was highly imperceptive. Being different, however, didn’t necessarily translate to tangible results such as more friends, a bigger social media following, more money, or what have you. In all honesty, I’ve never really cared about that stuff—at least not as much as your average millennial. 

After puberty, I had become the weirdo, the loner. That had always been the role that was meant for me, the niche that had already been carved out for me. It just took some time for me to finally embrace it. It took me a long time to learn how to love myself. But once I did, my outlook never looked rosier. I won’t go back to the way that I used to be. I can’t. Regression is the genesis of decay. Stagnation is its precursor. If you’re not growing, you’re dying. If you’re not improving, you’re deteriorating. You know where I’m going with this right? Sorry to say but I’m somewhat predictable. Be great! In everything you do. Excel at all things and strive to improve at every turn. It’s one of the many mantras that I’ve been repeating to myself since I embarked on this journey. 

Life in general is a journey, we hear this time and time again. It’s become cliche. But where did cliches stem from? Real truth. There will be ups and downs. There will be peaks and valleys. That’s just how it is. That’s how it always will be. How you deal with your adversity speaks more to your character than what you deal with. The only way to improve is to self-critique and to take constructive criticism into consideration. The former lays in the palm of your hand. It is wholly within your control. The latter generally proves to be more informative, but is not always a reliable source. Not in the sense that what others say is necessarily wrong, don’t mistake my intent. But in the sense that not everybody will tell you what you need to hear. Some people hold back, they don’t want to hurt your feelings. Others overlook your flaws in the name of friendship—there’s such a thing as taking “having your back” too far. Still others may be afraid of having a dissenting opinion, and would rather tell you what you want to hear in order to avoid conflict. 

A little disagreement is healthy. You don’t want your life filled with only Yes Men. You NEED varied opinions. You choose the people that you surround yourself with. But you don’t choose how they are, how they act, or how they react. That’s not up to you; that’s up to them. Everyone has a different way of coping with things. That’s just how it goes. You can only control yourself. You can’t control other people, you have to remember that. Manipulation is not a healthy way of getting what you want. The last thing you want is to be the reason why a friendship/relationship is toxic. The only thing worse than being around drama is being the drama. I’ve talked about cutting out toxicity from your life before. That doesn’t just mean distancing yourself from people or situations that drain your mental well-being. It also means self-evaluating, and changing the way you interact with other people (if you think it needs changing). We are quick to blame other people or circumstances when things go wrong. But we need to keep ourselves accountable. Hold ourselves to the same standard that we hold others. Sometimes culpability for toxicity falls on us. We have to be willing to accept that. We are not detached from it.

I’m not a relationship expert and I’m not going to pretend to be one. But I can say that the mark of a healthy relationship is having great communication. It’s imperative to have an equal partnership. It’s not optional! You give as much as you take. You respect them as much as they respect you—if not more. You help your partner with chores around the house. You help them raise your children. You do anything you can to be of use. But most importantly you talk about things. You clear the air, you say what’s on your mind. You likely won’t agree on everything. But in any case, you need to talk about it. Your intentions and beliefs should be clear to your spouse/partner and vice versa. Of course all of this is easier said than done. Communication (or lack thereof) is something that many of us struggle with. Oftentimes we’d rather bottle up than open up. It may seem easier that way in the short term, but that’s not the case long term. But it will take time, it will take effort, it will take persistence. It won’t just change overnight.

Unfortunately we’ve been stuck in an antiquated mindset for decades. Maybe the old way of thinking worked for the 19th and (early) 20th centuries, but it didn’t work in 2012 and it doesn’t work in 2022. We seem to have a hard time letting that go though. You know how it is. The people in power want to stay in power. But I won’t get into that here. For many many years we’ve lived in a patriarchal society. That’s not liable to change anytime soon. As such, we’ve been conditioned to see the world in a certain way. For the longest time we’ve had firmly defined gender roles, especially when it comes to family. The traditional view is to see the man as the breadwinner, and the woman as the homemaker. But times are changing, and we need to change with the times. This way of thinking doesn’t work anymore and it hasn’t worked for a while now. Thankfully, we’ve steadily moved away from it, but progress has been slow. Some people continue refusing to believe that this is the new reality. But it’s something that needs to happen. We can’t keep seeing the world in the same way that our forefathers saw the world. This world is not the world that they lived in. We as a society, therefore, need to adapt. A man can be a stay-at-home dad if he wants to. A woman can prioritize her career if she wants to. Both adults can work non-traditional jobs if they want to. As long as it’s what’s best for the family. What may be ideal for one family may not be ideal for another. Just as each person is different, so too is each family.

We need to change our view on non-traditional families. I don’t just mean same-sex marriage, blended families, or multi-ethnic. Our thinking on gender roles needs to change as well. It’s not the 1950s anymore, when women mostly stayed home. Career options for women are more than just teacher or nurse these days. I know we’ve become more progressive since then, but we’re still not progressive enough. In my view, the ideal society is a feminist society. I know that’s not what a lot of people want to hear, but it’s the truth. Unfortunately for us, many people misunderstand the meaning of the word. Many people take it to mean, “more power to women at the expense of men.” But that’s not what it means at all. Feminism is merely ideology that promotes the equality of genders. Nothing more, nothing less. But you know how it goes. Misinformation runs rampant in this day and age. It was bad enough when I was in school (only eight years ago!), but it’s somehow even worse now. Of course it doesn’t help that we have a cohort of politicians that don’t actually know anything about politics or how the US government works. Part of that responsibility falls on us for allowing such inept individuals to gain power. Voting for “someone like us” doesn’t help if they don’t know what they’re doing or what they’re talking about. It seems logical (at least to me). If they’re like us—uninformed and ignorant—then what makes you think they’re capable of leading? It’s the blind leading the blind. 

That tangent aside, it’s our duty as active members of society to combat misinformation in the media. It doesn’t take much. It starts with something as simple as fact checking before reposting things you see. It doesn’t take much time or effort to look something up. Of course, you could also take a class about topics that you don’t know about—it could be a college course, online tutorial, or a self-help book, etc. Know what you’re talking about before jumping wholeheartedly into a heated debate! Don’t be the person who misinterprets the meaning behind movements such as Feminism, Black Lives Matter, or “defunding the police”. Don’t be so quick to jump to a conclusion. Understand the context first, then make a decision. But even after doing so, be open to listening to differing opinions, and continue being respectful. They say there are “two sides to every story,” but that’s selling it short. It’s not just your side and my side. There’s also the truth, which they like to say, “often lies somewhere in the middle.” The key word there is often. Somewhere in the middle isn’t always the case either! What if both sides are lying or misremembering the facts? Be informed! Seek knowledge! Gain information! 

Again, there are many ways to do this. The Internet is great for that. That’s what it was created for: the sharing of knowledge & information. But you also have to be wary. Not everything you see is true. Not every source is legitimate. Watch out for unsubstantiated rumors. Most news media often has an inherent bias. Fox News and CNN may report on the same story, but you will likely draw different conclusions from each outlet. That is because they have different target audiences, and as such, have a different bent on their coverage. Understand the context of what you are reading, hearing, or watching. Know that news media thrives on sensationalism. Yes, the world is a fucked up place, but it is not nearly as violent or as corrupt as they make it out to seem. Shock and awe makes money, as does panic; happiness does not (at least in their eyes). Learn to understand the thought process behind news media. Be deliberate in trying to improve your media literacy.

Most of what I say here I say from experience. I like to know what I’m talking about. I like to be informed. But most of all, I do not want to be the purveyor of false information. It goes against my ethos. I don’t usually talk just to talk. Of course, I don’t always choose my words carefully. I’m not perfect! But I try my best to be a positive influence on a conversation. What that looks like depends on the conversation and the audience. Sometimes I get carried away when I get too passionate. Sometimes I end up putting my foot in my mouth. I’m much better at writing than I am at talking. I’m more coherent that way. But even so, I still try to say meaningful things and give good advice. Now I wasn’t always like that. I know for certain that there were times when I was not a meaningful contributor to a conversation, and there were times when my input either ended a conversation prematurely or made it uncomfortable or was tainted with pessimism. We all had a darker past. We were all immature or ignorant at some point (maybe we still are in some ways). Sometimes we just didn’t know any better. Other times we thought we knew more than we did. Some of us were trapped in our own world. Others were just plain delusional. But when it came down to it, we were all trying in our own way. Right or wrong, good result or bad, most of us are trying to make something of ourselves while also striving to be good people. Doing that takes a lot of learning and growing. Trying and changing. 

For many of us, this process can be jumpstarted through higher education. Of course, higher education wasn’t meant for everyone. Some people aren’t interested in it, others can’t afford it, some aren’t good at it, and some just don’t need it. College is not the be-all and end-all like it’s made to seem. There are other options. As for me, college is and was a part of my life experience. Truth be told, I was not mature enough to transition directly from high school to adulthood. The four and a half years that I had spent in college was necessary and fundamental. Now I do have my gripes about the cost of higher education, but it certainly wasn’t a waste of time. Life truly is what you make of it. Nothing is ever really a waste of time; good or bad there are always lessons to be learned. You just have to adopt the right mindset. Don’t be the person who grumbles their way through hardship. A debbie downer. A complainer. Don’t be the person who can’t see the good in life. Nobody wants to be around that person. I would know. I was that person for well over a decade. Learn from your mistakes. Face your adversity and understand that there are ALWAYS lessons to be learned. Count your blessings, you’ll be better off for it.

Unfortunately for me, I have let too many valuable lessons fall to the wayside. For a long time I didn’t learn from my mistakes. I didn’t understand the reasons for my hardships; I couldn’t see past them. I muddled through life because it was the easiest option. The life lessons I could’ve learned at 20 or 21, I instead learned at 29 or 30. These things could’ve made a huge difference early on, but would’ve ended up taking me on a completely different journey. It wasn’t the path that was intended for me. The right things happened at the right time. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today if the timing had been any different. Like I always say, your adversity is a part of you. Your hardships play a role in who you are as a person. The lessons you learned in life were learned at exactly the right time. There is a time and a place for everything. There is a reason for everything that happens. You just need to dig deep, do a little soul-searching, find the answers within yourself. But don’t worry if you can’t/don’t find them right away. Hindsight is a powerful tool. Introspection and reflection uncover many hidden truths.

Thankfully, I’ve been blessed with a great memory and excellent recall. Otherwise these unlearned lessons would’ve gone to waste. If there’s one thing I can thank my anxiety for it’s that. My constant overthinking has proven to be a boon in some instances. Just because you didn’t learn something at the time of your trauma doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from it still. The only wasted lessons are ones that remain unlearned. The only pointless adversity is when your behaviors and/or attitudes do not change as a result. The only time mistakes do not precipitate progress is when you repeat the same ones over and over. Learn from your mistakes, learn from your adversity, learn from your struggles. There are reasons why you’re going through what you’re going through. Dig deep, and persevere. It won’t be like this forever. Things do get better. But not if you don’t put in some effort. You can always perform better. You can always learn more. Something can be picked up from every circumstance or experience—positive or negative. The more life that you experience, the more wisdom and knowledge you’ll possess. With this comes clarity and an altered perspective. This allows you to view your past through a different lens. You know more now than you did then, and with that, you should be able to continue learning more life lessons.

During my time in college, I had learned a lot of things about myself. But there was always more to learn. I don’t think I quite understood that then. I said ages ago that there are people who go through life acting like there is nothing left to learn, and there are people that act like there is everything left to learn. Be the latter. You don’t have all the answers. You won’t have all the answers. But that doesn’t mean you don’t constantly strive to find out more. Isn’t that the essence of human existence? Finding out more? If you spent years not seeking knowledge or looking for answers, don’t fret! Again, hindsight is a valuable tool. There are many lessons hidden in your past just lying there for you to uncover. Sometimes you have to find a way to relive your past. Therapy is a great way of doing so. A way to address issues that you had conveniently ignored. If you’ve read past posts of mine, you know that conveniently ignoring things was a crutch of mine. Something I relied upon heavily. I was so non-confrontational back then that I ran away from everything—even myself. I avoided introspection because I didn’t want to deal with it. The war within my mind may as well have been a street fight. I was my own worst enemy. I neither liked myself nor respected myself. 

But I was already more accomplished than I allowed myself to accept (or at least I wasn’t the failure that I had already labeled myself). At twenty-years-old it’s way too early to determine that. You haven’t experienced enough life to say that. Your life really hasn’t even started yet. Your brain is still developing at that age. You couldn’t have failed if you hadn’t even had a chance to try. Oftentimes the pressure you feel is internal; it’s unnecessary strain that you put upon yourself. Being your own worst critic has its upside and its downside. For me, I was a double major: business management, and sociology. Not everyone is capable of that, but I didn’t seem to realize it. It didn’t matter that the business program required me to double major or minor in something. Being a hard-working student was still the primary prerequisite for completing the program. It doesn’t say it on the program notes or the syllabi. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Yes, not every college graduate is smart or hard-working (it’s all relative), but it took some level of competence and some level of effort to finish.

That already is a great accomplishment, don’t diminish that for yourself. If you completed something that you set your mind to, that makes you a success. You only fail if you give up. You may not see tangible results right away, but you will see them as you keep on plugging. I finished college because I had set my mind to it. Receiving my Bachelor’s Degree was something I got to check off of my to-do list. But just because I finished, doesn’t mean that I had found my calling in life. I never had been all that interested in business management, I’m still not. But it was the thing that had kept me grounded. People respect business majors, they expect great things from businesspeople. So that’s what I had gone for. But unbeknownst to me, I had boxed myself in. I had limited myself from fulfilling my potential. I had shoved a round peg into a square hole. It took slogging through six years at the same dead-end job for me to finally realize that I could do better. That I was meant for so much more. I wasn’t destined to be a Customer Service Rep or a Salesperson. That wasn’t me, although I was good at the former (not so much the latter). It wasn’t my passion. It wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life. It wasn’t even my greatest strength. I only excelled at it because I had put it in my mind to do so, but I couldn’t have been more disinterested. I WAS DOING THE WRONG THINGS WITH MY LIFE. 

But years before I had made that discovery, I had come to an entirely different crossroads. Who I was clashed with who I was becoming. But this change didn’t come about through business school. It was through sociology—women’s studies in particular. My first women’s studies class was during the spring semester of freshman year. I didn’t take it because I wanted to; I took it because it fit in with my schedule. And I’m glad that it did. The first thing that it taught me was that although I had been a Christian my whole life, I did not have much love in my heart. Ironic for a religion that is touted as the religion of love. But that was who I was then. Someone who was hard-hearted. Close-minded and ignorant. I was low-key racist, misogynistic, homophobic, whatever you can think of. I was covert in my mentality as opposed to overt. But it doesn’t make that mindset any more acceptable. It didn’t change the fact that I was a bigot. It really didn’t matter how I framed it—my world view was offensive. Of course I dug my heels in at first. I had always been a stubborn person, and regrettably, quite sheltered. I hadn’t mentally prepared for the culture shock. In one semester, my world had been flipped on its head. What I thought was right, what I had thought of as “my truth” was slowly becoming the opposite. Truth be told, at the age of nineteen, my education had only just begun. Up until then, what I thought I had believed was not actually that. It wasn’t what I believed, it was what was indoctrinated into me through theology and pseudo-theology. Things I had been led to believe, which I later questioned. Ironically, many of these misconceptions had been taught to me from close people around me: mainly the church and family friends. 

Regrettably, not all churches teach Biblical truth. Nearly every church is liable to err on certain things. Some aspects of church doctrine are subjective. You will differ on some things as a result. It’s inevitable. You’re likely going to struggle to find a church whose world view lines up perfectly with your own. That being said, just as there is no such thing as a perfect Christian, there also is no perfect church. It does not exist. Humans are imperfect creatures, as such, any human institution will also be imperfect. Growing up, I had attended a Chinese church. I have many issues, but I don’t want to get into them here, so just a word of warning: be wary of ethnic churches. Very wary. Of course, I can only speak for the culture I grew up in, but it can also be applied to others. I’ve noticed that Chinese cultural mores are sometimes passed off as Christian theology. For example, filial piety and obeying your parents are very similar things, but they are not the same. They can coexist, and maybe they should. But the former should not be portrayed as Christian theology, because it isn’t. If something doesn’t sound right, don’t be afraid to look into it further. Ask questions when opportunities arise. Not doing so is one of the few things I regret. I hadn’t asked the right questions when I was younger, and I never really received satisfactory answers anyway. Oftentimes questioning was conflated with doubting. The former does not necessarily lead to the latter.

Unfortunately for me, for most of my youth I had been told not to ask questions. Not from my parents necessarily, but from those around me (especially at church). For a time I obeyed. I tried not to ask questions because I didn’t want to show others my lack of faith. But I was doing myself a disservice. By not asking the right questions, I was blindly believing what was taught to me rather than getting a better understanding of what it was that I actually believed. Of course, this never sat well with me. Everyone knows that I have always been very inquisitive. It’s part of my nature. But also part of my nature (at least previously) was lacking self-awareness. I knew something was off about the vibe but I couldn’t pinpoint what. I would go to all the church functions and act like a “Christian,” but something always felt like it was missing. But I never knew what. And it did not materialize during my time at church or during my hiatus away. It took leaving and coming back for me to figure out what it was. 

I never actually had a relationship with God. I knew how a Christian was “supposed” to act and I knew all the Bible stories, but I had never felt Him at work in my life. And that was because I wasn’t asking questions. I wasn’t able to get to the root of my belief. Up til then (and even past that) all I had was knowledge, with no application. Knowing about the Bible will only get you so far (likewise, having that relationship but not knowing the stories will leave you with the same amount of understanding—which is to say NOT ENOUGH). My view of who God was was heavily skewed. I saw Him as a vengeful god, not a god of love. So it’s no real wonder that I didn’t have much love in my heart when I got to college. But that wasn’t just it. That wasn’t the only thing that was missing. Not asking the right questions went deeper than that. It wasn’t just about my faith. It was about not knowing who I was, or who I wanted to become. Not knowing what interested me or what I wanted to do with my life. But more importantly it was about not knowing what happiness felt like and not knowing what would make me happy. It was about not finding fulfillment in what I did and not knowing what it felt like to live a fulfilling life. My life felt meaningless for many years. Because I had stopped dreaming. I had stopped dreaming a long time before. What dreams I had had been suppressed. Because I was easily influenced and swayed. I had spent so many years substituting what I wanted with what I thought was expected of me, that I had lost sight of what it was that I had wanted. And that to me was the greatest travesty. My life had become dominated with “woe is me,” and “will I meet expectations?” and “am I capable of what they think I am or am I destined to disappoint?” It wasn’t about doing better and being better, it was about not failing. I wasn’t thinking about how prosperous my life could be. I was focused on what it wasn’t rather than what it could be. What kind of life is that?

Be great! Ask questions! Seek knowledge! Find improvement! Keep dreaming! Continue chasing! Strive for better! Make a difference! Cause an impact! Never give up! Good things may come to you, but you need to seek greatness. Elevate yourself to a higher mental plane. Mediocre isn’t good enough. Okay isn’t good enough. Good enough isn’t good enough. There is no destination without a journey. Continual progress makes for a more fruitful journey. The only way forwards is up. Be better today than you were yesterday. Failure is not an option. To fail is to give up. Life is full of lessons. Success comes when you learn from your mistakes. Stop making excuses and take control. Grab life by the horns. You are the rider, not the bull.