It’s crazy to think about how quickly technology changes through the years. Life goes on… And on and on and on, and people live more and more efficiently. When I was a kid I had this strange and naïve notion that there was nothing left to invent. I felt bad for inventors. I didn’t think that they could make money or create anything new. We already had cars, airplanes, phones, TV’s, electricity what more did we need? Boy was I wrong.

I’m an early 90s kid so I remember a time without fancy electronics. I imagine growing up was somewhat different for someone born in the late 90s or early 2000s. As the years go by, not only do I feel like I’m getting older, but I just straight up feel old sometimes. It’s almost like time slipped me by, to some extent. For a while I was living in early 20s bliss, then I grudgingly accepted that I was in my mid-20s, but now I’m almost 30. How and when did that happen? I see 5 year olds plopped down at restaurants in front of phones, and tablets, and my immediate thought is, “I never had that as a kid. I wouldn’t buy my kid a phone at that age. They’re too young.” But times have changed. Things are different. Shaking my head, and saying, “kids these days,” is proof that I’m getting old. 

I remember dial-up, I remember non-flatscreen TV’s, and not having a cellphone. Life was simpler. Things were different and yet they were the same. Wireless internet and smartphones changed the game. They make life easier, but they don’t answer all of life’s questions. They don’t completely cut out human contact and interaction. Most people don’t go to work, and operate in complete silence. People still work at stores and restaurants; you usually still speak to a person when you call a help desk. Robots and computers help out, but human interaction is still necessary and effective. As humans, it’s in our nature to seek connection with like humans. We like to be close to other people who think and act the same way as us. Even introverts get lonely sometimes. We weren’t meant to be solitary. We’re social creatures. We were born into packs and litters. We aren’t lone wolves. People need other people. Technology, especially electronics, like anything else has its pros and its cons. And unfortunately, this alters the way humans interact, and sometimes it renders old technologies obsolete. People come and go. Companies come and go. Places come and go. It’s the way of life.

Everything has a beginning, and everything has an end. Many things approach the closing stages of its life cycle naturally, but others have an artificially accelerated demise. Growing up we didn’t have cellphones, social media, or streaming services. If we wanted to hang out with people we needed to either make plans in person or call from a landline. It wasn’t until the early 2000s that we would have AIM, and the mid 2000’s until we had Facebook. We took pictures with digital cameras, we needed to go to the store to rent movies. Nowadays, we have Netflix, we have Disney+; we have Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat. Things are easier. They’re faster. You want to watch a movie or a TV show? Look it up! You want to see what your friends are doing? Check your phone!

Nowadays we feel lost when we forget our phones. We don’t know what to do anymore when they’re not within arm’s reach. Even when we’re with other people, we’re conditioned to have our phone in one hand, and listen with one ear. We live in a fast-paced environment, and are trained to multitask in all things. Giving something our sole undivided attention is a rare occurrence. It’s amazing how quickly things change. I didn’t get my first cellphone until 10^th grade; that was 12 years ago. I didn’t get my first smartphone until sophomore year of college; that was 8 years ago. I remember the first DVD we ever bought, it was Gladiator in 2000. DVDs are nearing the end of their age. They’re going the way of VHS, and cassettes. How quickly things change.

But life goes on. The wheel keeps turning. Things are different, but things are still the same. Technology changes and improves, but people stay the same. People through the ages crave entertainment and attention. People through the ages seek work and fulfillment. People through the ages look for ways to record history. People through the ages look for ways to make life easier.

My sports of choice are football, and MMA. They are both brutal and violent, and are snapshots of times long past. When I watch MMA I can’t help but think that these are our modern-day gladiators. The concept of MMA or martial arts in general, is crazy if you think about it. All athletes have their own individual reasons for getting into the sport, but the end result is still the same. They get paid to beat the shit out of their opponent in front of a captive audience of thousands and tens of thousands of people. But at least they don’t fight to the death anymore. Some gladiators were paid, some were slaves, but they gave the people what they wanted! Fame, fortune, glory, and blood. In Central America, the Aztecs and the Mayans played a ritualistic game that seems like it was a mix between basketball and soccer. The losing team lost their heads. The games and consequences of losing have been toned down, but the goal still remains: win at all costs, glory still reigns supreme.

Since the beginning of time, humans have been told to work. Work gives them fulfillment. Works gives them meaning, and purpose. Humans cannot reap the benefits of life, unless they have put in the time and effort, worked for their living. Adam, the first man, was tasked with caring for the garden and for naming the animals. He worked for his living. His son Abel was a shepherd, and his other son Cain was a farmer. They worked for theirs. Through the ages, humans have continued this long-standing tradition of working in order to have fun. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Jobs change, careers change, but work remains.

Through the ages people have sought to record history. To pass stories on from generation to generation. To give us lessons to be learned before we make mistakes. We had hieroglyphics and papyrus. Printing presses and typewriters. These days, I do all of my writing on my Macbook in the comfort of my own home, but in medieval times monks literally devoted their lives to copying manuscripts word for word in their scriptoriums. Technology changes, life gets easier and more efficient with each passing decade, but the same goals and desires remain. Humans want to be entertained. They want to feel fulfilled. They want to leave a legacy. They want to be remembered. Humans want the same things, yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Humankind will survive and carry on. Life gets easier, but everything stays the same. Life goes on… And on, and on and on.

So yesterday, my therapist said something to me that caught me completely off guard, but it shouldn’t have. Deep down I knew it was inevitable, but I guess I hadn’t really thought about it. She said, “it’s getting close to that time where you should start thinking about when you want this to end. You don’t have to decide right away, but just think about it.” And she’s right. Therapy doesn’t last forever. It will be bittersweet for sure. But I think it’s time. I’ve graduated to a higher emotional state.

We’ve accomplished our goals. I kissed depression goodbye. I learned how to be in harmony with my emotions, positive and negative. I learned coping mechanisms for dealing with the dark thoughts. I solidified my relationship with Katie. I found a male mentor/peer that I could confide in. I started writing again. We unpacked the influence my parents and my upbringing had on me. We touched on my anxiety. We decreased my risk aversion. We untangled the misconceptions, and the skewed beliefs I had about the church and about God. I quit my job. I found a new one. I started going back to church. I found happiness, self-worth, and fulfillment once again. I found healing.

I will miss these sessions, but life goes on. People come into your life, and people go. Cherish each moment, cause you don’t know how long you have with someone. You don’t know the future. Life is like waves rolling on the seashore. It ebbs and flows. There’s good and bad. You might have bad moments and bad days, but that doesn’t mean you have a bad life. They say, “life is what you make of it,” and it is so true. I used to think that I couldn’t help my depression. I thought it was something I would never get over. People would just tell me to think positive thoughts, be happy. And my internal response was always, “that’s easier said than done. I can’t just be happy.” They didn’t get it. Nobody understood me, but it wasn’t necessarily for a lack of trying. That was on me. I didn’t want to talk about it. It was a part of me that I didn’t understand. In some ways, I didn’t want to understand. It hurt too much. But in order to heal, you have to feel pain. Pain is a sign that you’re human. In order to heal a wound, sometimes you must feel the pain of the stitches. You may be left with scars, but you’re better for it. You learn from your mistakes. Every experience is a lesson.

Therapy was an experience. It taught me so many lessons. When I first started, I thought I would need it for a long time. And it’s somewhat true, it’s been a year and a half. Maybe I thought I would be broken for longer, but I don’t need it anymore. For the first time in my life I’m good. Not just in words, but in practice and action now. This phase of my life is over. My therapist said I could continue on if I wanted to, but we would have to transition into something else. It wouldn’t be therapy anymore. The dictionary defines therapy as, “treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder.” The disorder has been healed. Yes, I still have my anxiety to deal with. But we’re doing things one step at a time now. I can do this on my own! Therapy was necessary for a time. For a time when I felt helpless, and powerless. A time when I didn’t know how to cope, correct, and control my life. But I know now. I know what I can control, and I know what I can allow. I know how to stop myself from regressing and relapsing. I know the correct methods, and I recognize the bad habits. I can check myself before I wreck myself now. I won’t ever let myself be caught up in the dark tangle of webs that I was stuck in for so long. Don’t ever let someone tell you that you’re not capable of change. Don’t ever let someone tell you that depression lasts forever. It’s hard. It’s really fucking hard. But you can get over it. Healing comes in the morning. Eventually things start to click in your brain. I can prove it. The checklist I made on New Year’s of 2018 is now complete.

• Find a girlfriend. Someone who will be my best friend, and my biggest supporter.
• Find a new apartment. One where I can stay for years. I’m sick of this nomad shit.
• Find a new job. Somewhere I can learn and grow, and further my knowledge base

None of it happened the way I thought it would or when I anticipated, but things came together. God had a plan for me, even if I didn’t listen to Him. He was working the whole time. But there was a lot of pain, a lot of brokenness that I needed to fight through. There were a lot of emotions, and fears that had been repressed, and hidden for many long years. I had to get through the lowest of lows to find breakthrough. It took adversity for me to finally receive the help that I needed and deserved.

I found that in therapy, and I am forever grateful. Instead of running from my problems and hardship I finally addressed them head on. It was difficult at first, thinking about things that were locked in a secret compartment in the back of my brain. But in order for therapy to serve its purpose, you have to be honest, both with your therapist and with yourself. If you hold back, you’re only impeding your progress. You’re only delaying true healing. Therapy showed me many things that I expected, but it also showed me so much more. By the grace of God, I found my way back to church, and I guess you could say this had the more profound impact. Whether you believe in God or not, it’s hard to argue with the facts. In the last year and a half, change in me has been clearly evident. I carry myself in a different way now. Those who know me, know that I’m pessimistic and cynical. I’m prone to judgment and negativity. I’m afraid of failure and disappointment, and care way too much about what other people think. But those are my insecurities bubbling up to the surface. I realize now that it doesn’t matter what other people think of me, cause I know what I’m capable of. I know my potential, I know my worth. I write because it’s good for me. I write because I have stories to tell.

I’ve said before that I was stuck in neutral for a long time. Well, let me expand on that. It doesn’t just pertain to my career, or my emotional well-being. It pertains to nearly all aspects of my life, the most important of which being my writing. It all stemmed from being too afraid to disappoint myself and others. Being afraid of what people would think. This held me back from living up to my potential. This kept me mired in mediocrity. This kept me saying things like, “I should get back into writing,” instead of actually writing. This was what I expressed externally. But what I thought internally, was what if people don’t like what I write? What if my quality of writing isn’t up to par? What if this, what if that. This was just me making excuses not to write. If I want to be a writer, I have to actually write. Thinking about it isn’t good enough! And I guess that’s what’s different. I’m committed to this now, because I’m confident in my ability. I started doing morning pages when I got back from visiting my parents on January 13th. This exercise has been more beneficial to me than I could’ve imagined. Even if they are just random thoughts and nonsense sometimes. It gets me thinking. It gets me in the habit of writing consistently, which is more important than writing well or in volume. Quality and quantity will come with time and practice. If I’m writing consistently, I’m not starting from a full stop, I’m already in gear. You can’t stop me now! Cause I’m going to write and write and write. I don’t give no fucks about who reads or why. I’m doing this writing for me. As long as I’m happy with my writing, nothing else matters. I don’t need the approval of others any longer. People are going to hate you, and people are going to love you. The only thing you can control is yourself. Control for me comes in the form of honing and perfecting my craft.

And so I’m ready. I’m ready to do this on my own. That isn’t to say that I’ll be afraid to ask for help. I’ll ask for help when I need it. But I’ve thought about it, this door is closing, and another door is opening. New life. New beginnings. My therapist said that a common occurrence is for people to end their therapy three months after they get a new job. That way they already have stability. So I thought about it on my drive back. I considered ending in August, it would be nice to say I did therapy for an even two years (I have slight OCD), but that’s unnecessary. I’ll do the three months. If I’m writing, I’m happy. I never want to feel the way I felt, so I will never let myself fall back into old habits. No more regression, no more relapse. Onwards and upwards. They tell you if you love something, you need to let it go. I love myself, so I need to let therapy go. I no longer need to use it as a crutch, cause I can stand on my own!

Recently I quit my job, without something else lined up. Now, that was not my plan going into it, but it turned out to be the most freeing experience ever. But it wasn’t like I just did it willy nilly. It was thought out through several months. It was meant to be a last resort, but it ended up being the route that was taken. It was a toxic work environment that I had to get away from, and I do not regret it.

Now, working there wasn’t all bad. It was pretty good at first. I started working there as an intern before I graduated college, and I continued on full time afterwards. My plan was to work there for a couple years, get the experience I needed, then go and find something else. So for the first year and a half or so, I was steadily learning and growing; getting a better understanding of corporate America. I started in January of 2015 doing a mix of customer service, sales, and marketing. That following summer, my coworker went on maternity leave, and I immediately got thrown into the deep end. I was the point person for customer service now, it was my greatest challenge to date; but I handled the stress, and I handled it well. I was awarded with Employee of the Month in October.

But things started to go downhill from there. I always knew that my boss was a bit of an asshole, but this is when I started seeing his true colors. It was different when I was an intern. I mostly kept to myself, and just obediently did my work. Now, I had to interact with the whole department. They say that within a year and a half, you should have a good idea of what kind of company you work for. And it’s true, I knew what kind of company this was, but I had so much fear, and doubt. I didn’t have the motivation or the drive to push myself out of this shitty situation. What’s worse, is that my depression worsened, although I didn’t really know it at the time. Cause it wasn’t like I was sad, or thinking about suicide. But depression has many forms: low self esteem, and loss of interest for example. Apathy and fear kept me downtrodden.

But still following my loose timeline; around the two year mark, I started applying, and looking for something else. I wasn’t searching seriously, more so just weighing my options. But the unexpected happened. Another coworker ended up going on maternity leave that spring. A lot of her responsibilities thus fell on me. My plans on leaving were then put on hold. I felt guilty for leaving at that time. It wasn’t so bad though, because I was learning new things, so I figured I’d stay a bit longer, learn all that there was to learn, then start up again in the fall.

But this is also when it really started getting bad. My former boss is not a pleasant person to be around. He is egotistical, arrogant, and straight up mean sometimes. He belittles his employees, embarrasses individuals in front of the whole department, and generally leads by fear. He’s temperamental, so you never know which way the wind will blow. Will he be overly patient, and calm, or will he yell at you for the smallest thing? It was always walking on eggshells around him. He’d make the worst dad jokes, and think he was so funny. He was inappropriate, saying things that were highly sexual or racist. The way he would try to get people to work harder would be to threaten your job security or your annual raise. He was not a good manager, nor was he a good person. Eventually, I started tuning him out. Anytime he would make a comment or a joke I would roll my eyes and walk away. I did not and do not respect this man.

But what was I going to do? There were no opportunities lined up. I had no options. I was worn down. I had no drive. So I did what I knew. I started smoking more. Every night after a long drive back home, I would smoke a bowl to forget about my problems. I didn’t have the brain capacity to deal with this shit at work and after work. I did what I knew. But what I knew, wasn’t what was good for me. The perpetual weed haze kept me numb. It kept me out of tune with my emotions. But it kept me going through the motions. Coffee to keep me awake in the morning, weed to help me sleep at night. Rinse & repeat. Eventually I became so worn down that I stopped trying. I resigned myself to this. This was my life.

But the unexpected happened yet again. In May of 2018, a cute, quiet girl from work DMed me out of the blue. She told me she was obsessed with me, and she felt like she needed to tell me. She couldn’t sleep. She was tired of being awkward; tired of not being able to speak her mind. She told me she didn’t know how she was going to get over it. She just wanted me to reject her and be done with it. No more what ifs. This was an utter shock to me. I didn’t know what to do, or how to respond. I didn’t think girls liked me like that (I know different now. Not to be cocky, but I get hit on quite often). Of course, I was just awkward and self-conscious. But I figured, what the hell, I got nothing going in my life, I might as well. So I gave her my number, we started texting, and the rest is history.

This was the first step on my journey to enlightenment. There were ups and there were downs. I was and am far from the best boyfriend. I had a lot of issues that I needed to work on. It all culminated in The Incident in August of 2018. I hit a person while backing up at a gas station. This brought me to the lowest of the low. But this also brought me to some of the best decisions I would ever make. My parents were extremely worried about me after this incident, so they came down to visit the next day, and my dad immediately contacted a therapist that he had heard about from one of his friends. I’ve been seeing her every other week for about a year and a half, and it’s brought about an incredible amount of self-discovery. It works, talking to a professional with no judgment, no interruption, no lack of interest. It’s like talking to a friend, but better. You have her undivided attention for a full hour. We went through techniques, and tips, and advice on how to overcome my depression. And sure enough, I grew more and more confident. The less I smoked, and the more I talked to my girlfriend and my therapist, the more I began to heal. The numbness went away, the negativity fizzled out. I ended up winning Employee of the Year in 2018. My crowning achievement. In my head, I figured I could work here for another year or so. But I knew there was still no growth, still no opportunities for advancement.

And sure enough, December 2019 would be my last month at this company. Because inevitably, the highs became lows, and the lows went even lower. But the difference was mentally, and emotionally I knew I could do better. This wasn’t the end. I wasn’t destined to stay at this dead end job for the rest of my life. I was in a different headspace. I could do this. I wouldn’t let the negativity and the bitterness at this company get to me again. Several things happened to facilitate my job search. First, I started going back to church. I know church isn’t for everybody. Religion isn’t for everybody. In fact, the first time we planned to attend this particular church, I changed my mind halfway there. I wasn’t ready. My girlfriend, of course, was upset. We had a long discussion, before I dropped her off and went home. When I got home, I didn’t know what to do, so I watched the live stream. This church was different from the ones I had attended previously. It had a different vibe to it, so I was willing to check it out.

After we started attending this church, things started to tumble into place. For my birthday in August, we went to Disney World. On our way back from the airport, I hit my head, and got a concussion. Which, as you all know, started the thought juices flowing. A long-time coworker and friend of mine got fired for reasons beyond his control. *Cough cough nepotism cough cough* Me in my concussion addled mind decided fuck this, I’m outta here. So that week, I started applying, and soon after I was granted an interview. I also needed to go on a road trip for my current job, visit some of our customers. So I planned it all for the same day. This was a Thursday. The following day, my boss called me into his office at 8am to yell at me about something that I wasn’t doing correctly, because I already had too much on my plate. Then at 9am, he gave me Employee of the Month, and had the audacity to ask in front of everybody why I wasn’t smiling. You knew damn well why I wasn’t smiling you asshole… That was the breaking point.

At this time, I decided that I would do anything to get away from this douchebag. I was even considering leaving without another job lined up. But I was talked down from it. I listened to the voice of reasoning, and concluded job first, then quit. So things went back to the status quo for now. I had a schedule of applying to job listings on Mondays and Tuesdays after work, and writing a little on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. It had occurred to me during my concussion that my first love has always been reading, and my talent has always been writing. Screw what everybody says, I’m going to become a writer. And this was to be my side gig until I was good enough to make it my main gig.

Status quo was all fine & good but the inevitable happened. My temperamental boss blew up yet again. Surprise, surprise! My boss was about to go on his lunch break, one of the sales managers didn’t know if he was going to return to his office before heading out, so he waited for my boss outside of the bathroom. Kinda strange, but small & innocuous right? Wrong! My boss got up in his face, and was like, “you wouldn’t do that to the owner of the company would you? Don’t I deserve the same fucking respect?” My cubicle is right next to the bathroom, so I heard the whole loud & angry exchange, and I’m just sitting there rolling my eyes, muttering to myself, “are you fucking kidding me? You don’t deserve any respect. Talking about respect while disrespecting your employee.” This exchange just reinforced my need to get the fuck out of there. I had another interview at the beginning of November. For some reason or another, it didn’t work out. But I was still ok. I wouldn’t let the negativity get to me again.

But lo & behold, would you look at that. Mid December, my boss does something to me that I felt really crossed the line (as if the 5 years of mistreatment that I was subject to and observed wasn’t enough already). So, I was on the phone with my girlfriend, she does billing & credit; I needed to give her an Amex credit card, since I’m not able to enter it on my end. We have this phone rotation system for sales & customer service, so administrators are able to see who you’re on the phone with. My boss gives me a ring, once, twice. I figure I can just call him back after I’m done with what I’m doing. He calls me a third time, at which point I’m done with my conversation, so I go into his office. Turns out he needed to see me about something I was already working on, so that’s bullshit. Then he starts talking about how when I’m on the phone with Katie, and someone else calls, I need to check to see who’s calling. And I’m thinking, “whatever dude. First off, I don’t need you micromanaging shit that I’m already handling; second you’re not that important, get off your high horse; third my conversation with Katie was a minute tops.” So I go back to my desk, and see that he had sent us both an email asking us to get off the phone, so he could talk to me. One of the things that my therapist went over with me last year was being accepting of my negative emotions, as long as they were justified. I have every right to my anger, every right to my sadness, as long as I understand why I feel the way that I do, and as long as I’m able to regulate it, and bring myself back to my center line. To say the least, at this moment I was furious. He wouldn’t have done this if I had been talking to anybody else. In my mind, I had two options left to me: I could walk out right then & there, or I could be professional and give my two weeks notice.

I gave my two weeks the next day and never looked back. I made the right decision. No regrets. Cause there was another situation a few days later, where he rolled his eyes at Katie because she did something that he didn’t like. Which is funny, because earlier that same day he had called out a sales manager for being late to a meeting, saying that he felt like it was inappropriate that she was late. Later in that same meeting, I forget the context, but he had said, “cause we’re professionals!” Alright dude… So rolling your eyes and throwing a hissy fit isn’t inappropriate and unprofessional? Alright then.

That being said, I’ve been unemployed for almost a month now. But I couldn’t be happier. I calculated my savings before I left and I have enough to last 6-8 months. It’s not crunch time, and I’m not in a rush to find a job. I’m just enjoying my time and living life. I took a week to visit my parents, and hang out with my sisters and my cousins. I haven’t had that luxury in a long time. I don’t know about other places, but at my workplace it was always awkward to ask for time off, because my boss was always so goddamn weird about it. Sometimes he’d approve your vacation right away, or sometimes he wouldn’t get back to you for almost two weeks. I finally had time to see my parents for an extended period of time, and they seemed so happy to have the three of us back at the same time. I just couldn’t bear to break the news to them, so they still don’t know that I’m jobless. I didn’t want to potentially ruin the mood. Rest assured, I’ll get back into my job search next week or the following. But right now I’m just enjoying the time I have to myself, where I can do puzzles, read, listen to audiobooks, play video games, watch Netflix, do crosswords, go on nature walks, do whatever the fuck I want. I’ve dedicated myself to writing more. I’m doing morning pages now, my creative juices are flowing, so there should be new content coming more frequently.