Dear      ,

Looks like I fucked it up again. I can’t seem to ever make it stop. And you know why that is? Cause it’s me. It’s not you. It’s always been me. I mean how many times do I have to rehash old events with new people before I learn?

How much of a coincidence is it that the same thing(s) keep happening time after time? It’s cause it’s not a coincidence. The problem here is me. I don’t know how to communicate.  I don’t know how to act like an adult. Everything comes too easy, and everything has been handed to me on a silver spoon. I haven’t gone through any real hardship in my life. It’s time to change, cause it’s just going to be an endless cycle otherwise. I want to learn, I want to do better. But what if it’s too late?

It’s been 26 years of bad habits, is it possible to change at this point? I feel like I’ve let you down already. I wanted this to work, I really did. But you already have a pre-conceived notion of me, and I don’t think that’s something that will change. You don’t respect me, and why should you? I can’t communicate with you, I don’t act my age, and I am rude beyond all reason. I’m not much more than a glorified child. I have a lot of growing up to do, and a lot of manners to re-learn.

I don’t deserve your respect, your love, or your time. I can try to be better, but I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for you. I want to be better, for myself, and for you. I can’t ask you to be patient, and I don’t expect you to want to deal with this. This isn’t your responsibility. I have no choice but to change and grow on my own, or else I’ll never learn.

I’m sorry I wasted your time. I’m clearly not the person that you or I thought that I was. I’m sorry for everything. I like you a lot and I want to be with you. I like spending time with you, and although I clearly am incapable of showing it, I love talking to you. I want to make it work, and I want to improve in any way that makes me a better person. But this isn’t a burden that you deserve to bear. My baggage is not something that someone else should have to deal with. I understand if you want to move on. This isn’t fair to you or anyone else.

I have to admit that I am just not good at this and I am not easy to deal with. I’m inexperienced in every sense of the word. I don’t know what it’s like to live life earning everything that’s given to you and taking advantage of every new opportunity. I don’t know how to be a considerate human being, but I can try. I can try to have manners. Say my “please & thank you’s”, greet people, and say excuse me. I can try to stop interrupting and actually listen. I can try to not take things for granted, and try to appreciate the little things. I can try to not act so spoiled and entitled. I can try to do things on my own. I can try to take the time to talk to you and actually get to know you. I am willing to do anything to make this work, because you are special to me. I know these are just words and not actions, but we won’t know if I’m capable of changing unless we give it a shot. Please give me a chance to show that I can change.

Sincerely,

Justin

So, my work BFF is leaving. I mean it was inevitable. I’ve known for the longest time that he’s been looking for a new job, but I thought we had more time 😦 … I didn’t think it’d be this soon. Who am I supposed to talk to about football now? Who am I supposed to rant to about Hip Hop? Who am I supposed to make fun of other coworkers with? Honestly, I’m heartbroken. We had such a connection. He really was more than a coworker. He was more than just my subordinate. I would go so far as to call him a friend and a confidante. I mean I can still text him, and I have him on Instagram and Snapchat.

But it’s not the same. I’m not gonna see him everyday. We’re not going to have those moments of understanding where no words are required. We can’t just sit there complaining about annoying & stupid shithead customers. We can no longer share poop jokes with each other and laugh continuously for 10 minutes. I have a feeling the message isn’t easily conveyed via text. We had a solid year and a half together, but now it’s over. I will always cherish our conversations, the laughs we shared, and the inside jokes that we had. I feel lost and in despair, and this is sad news that is hard for me to bear. But life moves on. I’ll meet someone else, somewhere else, and develop a connection. Eventually I will move on, and maybe the roles will be reversed.

And you know what? People come and go. It’s the way of life. Nothing lasts forever, and you shouldn’t expect anything to. Change is hard, but change is good. You have to do what’s best for yourself. Cause honestly, no one is going to look out for you. No one is going to be there to hold your hand at all times. You need to make decisions for yourself and grind & grind & grind for your come up. That being said, congratulations and good luck Tom. You did it homie! You made it out. You’re finally free and on the up & up. You did what I couldn’t do (yet). You’re making your money moves and I’m proud of you. Eventually it’ll be my turn. The risk is definitely worth the reward, and when I’m ready I’ll make the move. Make the transition. Make a money move. Stop being so goddamn lazy and do better for myself. But until that time, I just have to make it through the next day and the next and the next. That’s just the way it is.

I hope to stay in touch with Tom. I’ve really never met a bigger hip-hop head, and I’m going to miss talking about all the new rap albums as soon as they come out. But at the very least, we’ll be leaving on a good note. And I still owe him a homework project. I had assigned it to him originally, but he had assigned it back. It’ll be a lengthy research piece but will be well worth the time. It started with a hot take that I gave him. A declaration if you will. This is a truth that I believe and it’ll be nearly impossible to sway me from this opinion. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, and I’ll keep saying it. Even after 14 years, Get Em High is still one of the top 5 Kanye beats of all time. You CANNOT tell me differently, and Ye has recorded dope beat after dope beat. Some of his tracks are straight fire, but you still cannot tell me that Get Em High is not a top 5 beat. Kanye is a musical genius, and although I don’t agree with everything he says or does, he remains one of the most influential people in my life, and his art is forever.

His music is transcendent. What other rapper who came up in the mid 2000s and rose to such prominence has stayed recording, creating, and rapping at such a high level? Who else has created this much music and has not had a single shitty, letdown album? There has not ever been a single Kanye album that was pure garbage. Sure, he has some tracks that are out there and are just meh, but there is not one album that is just bad through & through. That being said, my top 5 rappers right now: Kanye, Kendrick, Meek Mill, Drake, Big Sean. And back to the task at hand. The assignment is to rank our top 5 Kanye beats, which seems daunting. So I am taking a methodical approach. I will be listening to each Kanye album and ranking the songs on each one. Once I’m done with that, I will take the top 5 songs from each, re-listen to each of them, and rank them that way. Some caveats to this are: I’m omitting all skits and songs shorter than 2 minutes, and included is Kanye’s discography only. There’s way too much Kanye production on other artist’s records, whether it be features (credited & uncredited), side projects, or work for GOOD Music. Kanye music only makes it simpler. Well enough said, here comes part 1.

The College Dropout

1. Get Em High
2. The New Workout Plan
3. Through the Wire
4. Slow Jamz
5. Jesus Walks
6. We Don’t Care
7. Breathe in Breathe Out
8. Two Words
9. Spaceship
10. Last Call
11. Family Business
12. Never Let Me Down
13. All Falls Down
14. School Spirit

Late Registration

1. Gold Digger
2. Gone
3. Roses
4. Diamonds from Sierra Leone (Remix)
5. Heard ‘Em Say
6. Crack Music
7. Addiction
8. Touch the Sky
9. Celebration
10. Hey Mama
11. We Major
12. Bring Me Down
13. Drive Slow

I said I could get over you
I said I could move on
I said so many things, but I ended up proving myself wrong
I thought it would be easy
Getting over you
I swore that I didn’t go in too deep
I promised myself I could stay on the outside looking in
I was convinced I wasn’t over-invested
I was obsessing, but then I wasn’t. But then I was obsessing again.
I looked at other girls and I searched for other prospects
But I kept finding my way back to you
Like it’s just you and me in the world

And that’s just a crazy notion
I haven’t been with you
But I feel like I’ve known you for an eternity
I’d like to get to know you
But I find it hard to speak, I find it hard to breathe
I need to know you, I need to see you, I need to be with you

Is it just a dream? Or can it be reality?
I can’t focus. I see no one but you.
I thought it would be easy
Getting over you
It seems like we’re only friends
But I want more, and I want less
The more I see you, the more I hear from you, the more it pains me
Cause I know you’re someone I can’t ever have
But I can’t remove you from my life
Cause it’ll hurt me deeply if we can’t be friends
So here I am, finding my way back to you

Back to you and back to purgatory
I can’t be with you, but I can’t be without you
You’ll remain the girl of my dreams, but not the girl of my reality
There are other options, there are other opportunities
There’s nothing certain in my life
Except the fact that I want you.
Somehow I’ll find my way back to you
And hopefully you’ll open your eyes and your heart to me

Back to you
I find myself thinking back to you

I swear I never learn. I literally end up making the same mistake every time, no matter how many times I tell myself that I’ve grown & matured and that I know better. Maybe my brain does know better, but my heart sure as hell doesn’t. Part of me wants to stop trying because I’m afraid of getting hurt again. Sometimes it’s easier to be complacent than to take risks. This has proven to be true time and time again. But at some point you have to take a chance. You can’t go through life blocking your own happiness because you’re afraid of sadness.

It’s easier said than done obviously, and it’s likely a direct result of being both a lover and a dreamer. It’s easy for me to fantasize and it’s easy for me to fall in way too deep. It will forever be my downfall. I misread signs, and I have no sense of balance whatsoever. I either come on too strong, or I come on too weak. I’d like to think that I’ll learn someday, but maybe I won’t. How many times can someone keep doing the same thing the same way and keep expecting different results? That’s like honestly pretty stupid and delusional. But that seems to be the story of my life every time. Same situation, same outcome, different girl. I keep telling myself I need to stop myself from falling way too deep before it actually happens, but that’s like asking me to do the impossible. I love, and I love easily. What can I say? I’m a Leo. I would say it’s a blessing and a curse, but it’s really not.

I wouldn’t say it gets me in trouble per se, but it definitely does make everything more awkward and more complicated than it should be. Which brings me to my current “situation.” Situation in quotations cause this might literally be a figment of my imagination. That’s what things feel like when you’re just rehashing old events but thinking that you’ve changed and that everything is different. It’s not different. I’m just lying to myself at this point. Still the same old shit, and the same old habits.

The thing is, I used to pray for opportunities to get to know people better. But I’m still the same shy, little boy that I’ve always been, despite how much I’d like to think that I’m not. I’m not able to make the most of these opportunities cause I’m just too damn awkward, which honestly could just be me making excuses. And damn, do I get opportunities. They happen, and I don’t ask for them, and they happen somewhat often (at least twice a year), so you could say I’m blessed that girls show me attention that I don’t deserve in the slightest.  I dunno, this may sound crazy, but there are plenty of people that would want to be in my shoes. Like what normal, straight male doesn’t want to get hit on by girls constantly? That’s the attention that every young (straight) boy has been seeking since they hit puberty. But I can’t do it, you can’t leave me to my own devices cause I’ll find a way to screw it up. It’s like we’re already past that awkward phase where one party attempts to approach the other. I literally don’t need to do that. It’s been done for me. I just need to get over myself and make the next step. That’s just how it goes.

But every single time, I find a way to fuck myself over. Basically I bumblefuck the opportunity, if that’s even a word. I self-fulfilling prophesize the situation. I anticipate a negative outcome, so I push myself toward that outcome. I find a way to get myself out of the situation, cause I dunno maybe I’m afraid of what comes next if good things happen to me. Like “oh no. She likes me, what do I do now? Getaway, getaway, getaway now.” This seems to be a regular occurrence, and it’s quite sad. I guess I just need to get over myself, literally. It’s not that big a deal. Talking to a girl you’re interested in is no different than having a normal conversation with anybody else. Maybe my problem is that I hype it up too much. I literally raise my expectations exponentially so I get burned when things don’t happen the way I expected. But having expectations is already crazy enough. Life doesn’t let you decide how it goes, it just does as it does. So what it comes down to is this:

Basically, I’ve been (over)thinking about this girl, and it’s not healthy. Part of me feels like she’s someone special and someone I’m interested in getting to know better, but I know I’ve said those exact words before, and when it comes down to it, I’m able to get over them eventually. I tend to linger and get caught up on certain girls, and maybe that limits me from meeting others. But regardless, I’m lost, confused and conflicted. It seems as though I’m just making things extremely complicated, and this is purely because I’m stuck stewing in my head, thinking about the same damn things every damn second of every damn day. I’m surprised I haven’t made soup at this point, considering the amount of time I stew. I was looking for some clarity, but I didn’t find any, and now I’m more conflicted and confused than ever. I just need to stop thinking about her and leave it at that, but how?

I told myself earlier today that this isn’t good for me, and I just needed to leave it alone and move past it. But guess what? I backtracked 3 times within 15 minutes. The more I tell myself to stop thinking about it, the more I find myself thinking about it. Goddamn elephant in the room. Not only have I not made any progress whatsoever (remember I bumblefucked an opportunity, or maybe I didn’t) but I’ve also not made any mental progress. I could dead it or I could ask her out. I’m stuck 50/50. This doesn’t even take into account other factors. But it’s like come on now, grow the fuck up and make some sort of grown up decision.

Maybe I’m looking for more information, trying to gauge the certainty of this. But really, nothing is certain in this life, so why the fuck do I worry? I guess I could say fuck it, leave it alone, and lock myself perpetually in the lurch. I could pursue it and see what happens. If she says no, then “ok, we have our closure. Onto the next one.” If she says yes, then that’s great right? That’s what I’ve been wanting and waiting for. But ya know, sometimes it’s just so much easier to pretend. Daydream in optimism rather than live with the reality. But it’s like, you do want to know right Justin? It’d be better to know, wouldn’t it? There’s no way to know, unless I do something about it. But it’s just too scary sometimes. I really don’t know. Maybe more research is required. Cause I’m not getting any negative signals, but these positive signals, are they actually there? Maybe I should just let it sit for another day. Who knows, my brain is mush, and this is driving me insane. I feel like any decision I choose, I’ll end up getting burned. But is that fear worth holding back? This could be a love worth fighting for, but who the fuck knows? I honestly don’t know what to do.

Well, guess what? There was a third option after all! I don’t have to abandon this, I can just not talk about her anymore. I realized that hearing myself talk about this girl makes me think about her. If I don’t vocalize my feelings or emotions for her, then they won’t have a chance to become an articulate thought. I can let it all stay jumbled, and in so doing, I can bide my time and keep working on it as originally intended. If I rush things I tend to fuck up. If I reveal my intentions too early I may lose the potential for good. This is some good news, as I don’t need to walk away from this, but I also don’t have to risk making it obscenely awkward before I’m ready to make my move. Make a move I shall, I have already decided, but build on it beforehand I will. Not going to blow my spot, so for now I’ll wait. Because I know if I act before I’m ready I will run into problems.

I have to be honest, I haven’t been writing anywhere near as much as I should and it’s because I’ve been suffering from a minor case of writer’s block, as well as just being plain lazy. When I was younger, I used to write almost every day, whether it be song lyrics or poems. I carried a notebook with me everywhere I went, and wrote down anything that came to mind. This is something that I have to go back to doing. Writing is a passion and talent of mine that I have not acknowledged often enough.

Writing keeps my mind active, and it helps to write down your thoughts. It’s not good to have negativity stewing in your brain all the time. So, this time I’m committed to this. I’ll write when I’m inspired and when I have something to say, but at the very least I will try to come up with something at least once a week.

That being said, I have plenty of material to draw inspiration from. This past weekend I went home to visit my parents for my mom’s birthday, before they left for vacation. I was able to find my notebook, and I have to say there is some good material there. Add my old Tumblr site to that and we have about 8 years of work. I’m sure that’s enough to jumpstart me into something.

The source material was way different back then, but these words still came from my head, so they’re mine & mine alone and something worth being proud of. I’ve got a topic for next week, but I’m not ready to write that just yet, so we’ll do this instead today: I am going to compile a small collection of works from the past that I find particularly interesting, thought-provoking, entertaining, inspirational, and/or well-written. And you know what? I might end up liking this and make it a weekly thing. Let’s go with 3 for now. So let’s get started!

So it seems as though all good things happen in October for me, so here’s to hoping! I have a good feeling about this year. Prove me wrong! It might just be a coincidence, but here’s a poem I wrote back in the day, dedicated to this beautiful month.

Ms. October

This beautiful moment.
This beautiful silence.
I’ve used it all on you. 
My time, my every thought, has been devoted to you.
Dear love, thank you for the things you’ve given me.
Dear dedication, thank you for time well spent.
Dear October, thank you for this paradise.
Dear love, dear love, thank you for your love.
This fight is worth it, you are worth it.
I live today without looking back.
I live tomorrow in anticipation of you.
I know that you will be with me, I know that I will be with you.
Dear desire, calm your voice for things will come of this.
Be patient, and wait.

Fun fact, back in 2010 I tried a 365 poetry challenge (twice). I never made it the full 365, I’m not even sure if I made it past 100, but there was some good and some bad. I’m obviously only posting the good, cause no one wants to see the bad. Without further ado, here’s more good. I can’t say for sure that I remember what inspired this one, as I really can’t remember, but it seems quite obvious to 2017 me that I took this from Kanye’s Spaceship. It’s too similar to say otherwise. But regardless, 7 years past, and it still seems to resonate with me.

Just You and Me

let’s build a rocketship and fly away
build a steamliner and sail away
let’s build a jet engine so we can soar
help me out of this lonely time
help me out of this broken state of mind
i’m lost and broken, i can’t keep my focus
i’m a poor student, poor friend
poor lover, poor son
poor musician, poor writer
i can’t find inspiration, i can’t find a meaning to it all
i can’t find love in even the wrong places
i can’t find peace in carrying on
i can’t stay on this forsaken planet
it’s too tough, i gotta run away

let’s build a rocketship and fly away
just you and me, we’ll fly away, we’ll fly away
just you and me, we’ll fly away, we’ll fly away
i don’t know if i can pull through this
negative aura surrounding me once again
i don’t know if we’ll make it
we might fly away, fly away
where is our future? does it even exist?
i can’t see the present, too many regrets to forget
i know i need to forget, i know i need to let go
but it’s hard knowing that i could’ve done better
knowing that i could’ve succeeded
had i not given up and ran away
there’s no use justifying all my actions
there’s no use trying to fight on
so i’ve concluded

that we should build a rocketship and fly away
just you and me, we’ll fly away, we’ll fly away together
past the moon, past saturn, past mars
we’ll fly away, past the solar system
past the milky way itself
we’ll fly away, we’ll fly away
we’ll fly away and some day fly back to where we are today

This next one is something I found in my notebook. Not sure if it was meant to be a poem or meant to be a song. I’m only going to post half of it, cause the rest of it is some supreme garbage.

Roses are red, violets are blue
I love you, but this kiss wasn’t meant for you
I will protect you as long as I live
This my promise, I will not break

That’s all I have for now, please enjoy. There’s still a lot of shit I have to sift through, there seems to be a lot of bad, and I really don’t want to share that. I’ll have a real post later in the week. This was more of a cheat post since half of it was already written.