All posts by jhumisanumber

Art, Changing, Dreaming, Family, Greatness, Growth, Poetry, Writing

No Good Son

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Sometimes I feel like I’m a no good son
Don’t always treat others the way that they deserve
Don’t always respect the parents that gave me life
Don’t always cherish the time spent with family
Don’t always value the friendships that I have

Sometimes I feel like I’m a no good son
Taking too much for granted
Not taking advantage of my strengths and skillset
Not making the most of my opportunities
Sometimes it feels like I’m just wasting time

Although I know that it isn’t true
My time out of work has been of tremendous value
I’ve learned new skills and worked on my craft
The writer I am is leaps & bounds above the writer I was
And yet I still have to wonder

In the blink of an eye three years have past
Could I have come back last year?
Would things have turned out differently?
It’s been a year of disappointments
Could it all have been avoided?

But I won’t dwell too long
Because I have to move on
Twenty twenty-four wasn’t the year for me
But I will make the most of twenty twenty-five
Whatever I do, it’s gonna be the year that I thrive

Time to find a day job again, but I’m not giving up on my dream
I’d like to do more with my life than just merely survive
Sometimes I feel like I’m a no good son
Doing nothing but wasting my time
But I know it’s all a lie

No one said that being an artist is easy
It’s a life full of pain and hardship
One where sacrifices need to be made
I’ve been blessed and lucky to have the support that I have
Lord knows not everyone has that

I won’t ever know what it’s like to starve
What it’s like to create without the comfort of a home
But my family has given and given and given
It’s past time to pay it all back
To become financially independent once again

I will be a published author one day, but now is not that time
Adaptability and a willingness to pivot is the name of the game
I’ll find a way to support myself
Work by day, and write by night
Time to set aside my pride, and get back to the grind

Brokenness, Death, Heartbreak, Loss, people, Poetry

A Malevolent Sickness

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Sick of all the violence
Sick of all the pain
Sick of all the terror
When will it end?

Humanity has a problem
Sick and vile, evil and corrupt
An obsession and a fetish with fucking shit up
We’re taught that, “violence isn’t the answer”
But is that enough?

Every day I wake up
And I turn on the news
Yet another story of someone shooting up a school
When will it end?
When is enough enough?
Is no one else fed up?

Sick of all the violence
Sick of all the pain
Sick of all the heartache
When will it end?

Are our kids not important enough to us?
Do we not care enough?
Ban all automatic weapons
End of discussion, enough is enough
Such a weapon serves no other purpose than for killing en masse
Get that shit off the streets
Is that too much to ask?

Sick of all the violence
Sick of all the pain
Sick of all the sorrow
Here we go again

Come back and see
In another month or two
Yet another kid kills other kids in school
America has a problem
So evil and vile
So pervasive and ingrained in our culture and lifestyle
Until someone puts their foot down
Nothing is gonna change
So tell me, tell me, when will it end?

Poetry, Writing

Smothering Me

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I can’t breathe, you’re smothering me
What you call love feels like drowning to me
I’m only human, I love the attention
But at times it’s too much for me
I never thought that I would say this
I love when the spotlight shines down
And I love that I’m your focus

But I can’t breathe, you’re smothering me
What you call love is suffocating me
You’re like a weighted blanket
Pushing down on me
Forcing me to cater to your every need
I can’t do this anymore
It’s too much, more than I can bear
We’re not good for each other
Only bringing out the worst in each other

I can’t breathe, you’re smothering me
Forcing my head down under the water
But I’m also no good on my own
I’m dysfunctional when I’m alone
It’s hard for me to pick my head up and move on
It’s hard for me to make decisions on my own
I need you by my side
With you I’m able to survive
But I want more than that
I want to be able to thrive

But I can’t breathe, you’re smothering me
What you call love is drowning me
I feel that I’m not my own
We’ve found a new identity as one
I thought that it was what I wanted
But they say to be careful what you wish for
I should’ve listened, but it’s over and done
I can’t breathe, you’re smothering me
Unfortunately for me, that’s how it’ll be for eternity

Heartbreak, Loss, Poetry

Eulogy/The Final Goodbye

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We didn’t know you for long
But we loved you a lot
Invested so much time and energy
Only for you to be given up
It wasn’t our choice
We wanted you with us

But sometimes people just do what they want
Regardless of if it’s their right
Regardless of who it may hurt
We wanted to adopt you, to give you a home
But the time wasn’t right for us
And now it’s run out

We didn’t know that it would
Thought there’d be as much as we wanted
But things don’t always go the way that we thought
People aren’t always aligned with us
They don’t always do what they’ve been told
They don’t always respect our wishes
Don’t always keep us in mind

I’ve learned that the hard way time after time
People are much more liable to act in self-interest
Sometimes it feels like altruism is just a myth
It’s disappointing to find
That those you found purest of heart
Give into their human nature time and again

I used to have hope that there was still good in this world
But seeing so much greed and selfishness I’m no longer so certain
Perhaps it was for the best that you were given away
You’d get someone’s full undivided attention
—Something that we weren’t able to give

It still hurts to see you go away
But it’ll become a little bit easier each subsequent day
I wish you the best
I hope they take care of you well
We didn’t get to say goodbye or wish you farewell
The decision was taken away from us
It’s something we’ll never forgive
But now that you’re gone
We wish you luck in your new home

Art, Brokenness, Changing, Discovery, Existentialism, Mental Health, Poetry, Questions, Reflections

Where Do I Go from Here?

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It’s become so hard for me to see
Where I wanna go and where I wanna be
I thought I knew, for the longest time
But I’m losing my direction slowly but surely
Things haven’t played out the way that I wanted
I was always meant to pivot from there
But it’s become harder to do as I get more blue

There was a time when I had plans A, B, and C
There were moments when I thought I had it all figured out
I was adaptable and flexible, motivated to press on
I kept my legs churning, kept moving forward

But it’s become harder and harder of late
It’s become easy for me to lose my way
It’s been so long since I’ve had a win
So it’s become harder and harder to bounce back
It’s become easier to lose my focus

How do I keep going on?
How do I transition to the next phase
When I’ve been out of it for so long?
What do I do next?
What is the next move?
I wish I knew
I wish I had my unshakeable confidence back
I wish my compass would fix itself
So I’d have some sense of direction once again

I’ve been going out of my mind
Trying to fit the pieces back together
But it hasn’t been the easiest of late
Something just feels off
Doesn’t feel right

It’s a feeling that I’ve tried my hardest to shake
But it just won’t break away, won’t come free
It’s sitting there in the back of my mind
There when I’m awake, there when I’m asleep
My subconscious mind is trying to tell me something
But what?

The same dreams repeat over and over
Placing me in the middle of scenarios that I thought I’d outgrown
Reminders of past failures continuing to trouble my mind
But I’m not like that anymore!
I’m better now, smarter, wiser, enlightened

But still my past haunts me in my dreams
Still it screams out, “I’m still here!”
How do I tune out the voices?
How do I let go of the past?
How do I move on into the present and the future
When my past is still clawing at my leg?
I’ve moved on, I’ve gotten over it, I’ve let go
But it seems my past still has ahold of me
Gripping tightly and never letting go
How do I move on?
Where do I go from here?