Category Archives: Art

Art, Changing, Dreaming, Family, Greatness, Growth, Poetry, Writing

No Good Son

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Sometimes I feel like I’m a no good son
Don’t always treat others the way that they deserve
Don’t always respect the parents that gave me life
Don’t always cherish the time spent with family
Don’t always value the friendships that I have

Sometimes I feel like I’m a no good son
Taking too much for granted
Not taking advantage of my strengths and skillset
Not making the most of my opportunities
Sometimes it feels like I’m just wasting time

Although I know that it isn’t true
My time out of work has been of tremendous value
I’ve learned new skills and worked on my craft
The writer I am is leaps & bounds above the writer I was
And yet I still have to wonder

In the blink of an eye three years have past
Could I have come back last year?
Would things have turned out differently?
It’s been a year of disappointments
Could it all have been avoided?

But I won’t dwell too long
Because I have to move on
Twenty twenty-four wasn’t the year for me
But I will make the most of twenty twenty-five
Whatever I do, it’s gonna be the year that I thrive

Time to find a day job again, but I’m not giving up on my dream
I’d like to do more with my life than just merely survive
Sometimes I feel like I’m a no good son
Doing nothing but wasting my time
But I know it’s all a lie

No one said that being an artist is easy
It’s a life full of pain and hardship
One where sacrifices need to be made
I’ve been blessed and lucky to have the support that I have
Lord knows not everyone has that

I won’t ever know what it’s like to starve
What it’s like to create without the comfort of a home
But my family has given and given and given
It’s past time to pay it all back
To become financially independent once again

I will be a published author one day, but now is not that time
Adaptability and a willingness to pivot is the name of the game
I’ll find a way to support myself
Work by day, and write by night
Time to set aside my pride, and get back to the grind

Art, Brokenness, Changing, Discovery, Existentialism, Mental Health, Poetry, Questions, Reflections

Where Do I Go from Here?

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It’s become so hard for me to see
Where I wanna go and where I wanna be
I thought I knew, for the longest time
But I’m losing my direction slowly but surely
Things haven’t played out the way that I wanted
I was always meant to pivot from there
But it’s become harder to do as I get more blue

There was a time when I had plans A, B, and C
There were moments when I thought I had it all figured out
I was adaptable and flexible, motivated to press on
I kept my legs churning, kept moving forward

But it’s become harder and harder of late
It’s become easy for me to lose my way
It’s been so long since I’ve had a win
So it’s become harder and harder to bounce back
It’s become easier to lose my focus

How do I keep going on?
How do I transition to the next phase
When I’ve been out of it for so long?
What do I do next?
What is the next move?
I wish I knew
I wish I had my unshakeable confidence back
I wish my compass would fix itself
So I’d have some sense of direction once again

I’ve been going out of my mind
Trying to fit the pieces back together
But it hasn’t been the easiest of late
Something just feels off
Doesn’t feel right

It’s a feeling that I’ve tried my hardest to shake
But it just won’t break away, won’t come free
It’s sitting there in the back of my mind
There when I’m awake, there when I’m asleep
My subconscious mind is trying to tell me something
But what?

The same dreams repeat over and over
Placing me in the middle of scenarios that I thought I’d outgrown
Reminders of past failures continuing to trouble my mind
But I’m not like that anymore!
I’m better now, smarter, wiser, enlightened

But still my past haunts me in my dreams
Still it screams out, “I’m still here!”
How do I tune out the voices?
How do I let go of the past?
How do I move on into the present and the future
When my past is still clawing at my leg?
I’ve moved on, I’ve gotten over it, I’ve let go
But it seems my past still has ahold of me
Gripping tightly and never letting go
How do I move on?
Where do I go from here?

Art, Brokenness, Depression, Doubt, Healing, Mental Health, Poetry, Questions, Self-Care, Self-Love, Writing

Stop This Train

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Trapped in my own mind
Trying to escape but not knowing how
I wish I could take a break from myself
Not have to live with who I am for just one day

The good times are good
But the bad cause me to spiral out
Sometimes I can prevent it from getting worse
Sometimes I can get in my own way
Stop the train before it runs off the track
Stop the momentum before I bottom out

But most of the time I feel helpless
A spectator of a fiery crash
A man without volition
Not in full control within my mind
Sometimes it feels like I’m just a passenger in this thing called life
Going where my mental illnesses take me

Not in control, not the conductor
I wish things were different
I wish it was just me, without the tagalongs that corrupt me
But it can’t really be that way when you’re not mentally healthy
It’s been better lately than it’s been in the past
But my mental illnesses, they are a part of me

And like it or not, they always will be
I’ve been working through this for the last few years
But it’s been a work in progress and it will remain that way
I’m hoping some day that I’ll be able to stop this train
Take control before it runs off the track

I want it to be brighter days ahead
Lock up my depression so it can’t rear its head
Subdue my anxiety, put it to bed
But expecting to do either is a hopeless endeavor
I have to live with them both, so it’s best to figure out how

I’m hoping that one day I’ll regain full control
Dictate to them where it is we should go
My illnesses, they bring me down a path of destruction
They know the best way towards self-sabotage
They lie to me, and trick me into believing I’m less than I am

But I’m better than this, I know that in my heart
I will not let myself be limited
I won’t let them tell me this is as high as I can go
The sky’s the limit
And I intend to reach that and beyond

I’ll stop this train no matter what it takes
So that I can redirect it from here on
I’m the conductor so I’ll tell you when we can stop
Where we’re going we’ll only keep going up and up

Art, Brokenness, Changing, Heartbreak, Loss, people, Poetry, Relationships

Growing Apart

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You ain’t gonna do this to me again
I’m not gonna let you keep hurting me like you do
I’ve shown you nothing but loyalty
But no one is ever loyal to me
I’m tired of it
Just so worn down
So damn sick of it all

I wish I didn’t feel this way
So utterly betrayed
But what can I say?
How can I feel any other way?
I’ve watched your actions
And this is what you’ve shown
We were together once, but now I’m on my own

You can say that I didn’t give enough
Or I didn’t care enough
Or that I didn’t do enough for you
But I gave you everything I could at the time
I just wasn’t equipped back then to love the way that I do (now)
I didn’t have the tools to give you what you needed

I’m afraid it’s too late now
The ship has sailed and we’ve gone too far
We’ve drifted too far apart to rescue who we were
What we had once is now too far gone
I can’t believe it came to this:
Saying goodbye
Bidding farewell to what we once had

This whole time I thought you’d be by my side
That we would lift each other up, build a life and thrive
I didn’t think it’d come to this
Get to a point where I’d question your loyalty
Come to a place where I’d have to decide between you or me

I never thought we’d drift this far
Find ourselves at a crossroads where we no longer aligned
I’m sorry but I have to do what’s best for me
Here’s where we part ways
You’ll go your way and I’ll go mine

There’s no way for us to keep growing together
So we’ll only just grow apart
Best if we just cut ties now
It’ll only get harder moving forward
Might as well just call it quits
I don’t wanna do it, and it’ll hurt my soul
But I don’t see any other way for this to end
Where we end is where I begin

Art, Brokenness, Depression, isolation, Mental Health, Poetry

Just a Fool

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It’s hard for me to see the forest for the trees
Too caught up in the details that I lose sight of the goal
It’s rough out here, expecting more than I’m shown
It’s rough out here, being on my own
I thought things would play out differently
I thought I was living according to my destiny

Am I just a fool?
Trying to pursue a dream that’s unattainable?
I thought I was doing something that was meaningful
I thought I was making a difference
Trying to strive for something better
But it seems I may have overvalued my worth
It seems no one cares about my words
All empty, all fluff
Better I guess, if I just shut up

Where do I go from here?
I’ve put in so much time and energy
And gotten nothing in return
As inconsequential as I’ve ever been
More invisible than ever

I’ve fallen back down into a pit of despair
Nowhere to go but up from here
I see where I need to go
But how do I get there?
No footholds, nothing to pull myself up
No hand to hold, no one to lift me up

Am I just a fool?
Delusional for thinking that things would play out differently?
Holding out hope that life would be better
Thinking that people would understand me more or treat me nicer
Am I just a fool?
For thinking there’d be more love and support
For thinking that just once I’d know how it felt to be appreciated?

It seems I’ve only set myself up for disappointment
A fool for expecting different
A fool for expecting better
It seems I’m just setting myself up to fail
Expectations not in line with reality

I should’ve known no one would care
“Watch their actions and not their words”
Something that I keep reminding myself
It’s something I’ve grown to know full well
They don’t care about the things I care about
They never have and they never will
Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier
Doesn’t make it hurt any less
In fact, it does the opposite

Makes it hard to stay focused
Makes it hard to continue on
Makes it hard to keep on dreaming
Makes it hard to pursue my goals
Where do I go from here?
Do I just keep on keeping on?

Am I just a fool?
Thinking that this would satisfy?
Thinking it’d be enough?
Am I just a fool?
Thinking that things would be different?
That I would find my worth?
Am I just a fool?
Thinking that people would listen for the first time ever?
Never been given the time of day
Doesn’t look like that will change