Category Archives: Brokenness

Brokenness, Death, Heartbreak, Loss, people, Poetry

A Malevolent Sickness

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Sick of all the violence
Sick of all the pain
Sick of all the terror
When will it end?

Humanity has a problem
Sick and vile, evil and corrupt
An obsession and a fetish with fucking shit up
We’re taught that, “violence isn’t the answer”
But is that enough?

Every day I wake up
And I turn on the news
Yet another story of someone shooting up a school
When will it end?
When is enough enough?
Is no one else fed up?

Sick of all the violence
Sick of all the pain
Sick of all the heartache
When will it end?

Are our kids not important enough to us?
Do we not care enough?
Ban all automatic weapons
End of discussion, enough is enough
Such a weapon serves no other purpose than for killing en masse
Get that shit off the streets
Is that too much to ask?

Sick of all the violence
Sick of all the pain
Sick of all the sorrow
Here we go again

Come back and see
In another month or two
Yet another kid kills other kids in school
America has a problem
So evil and vile
So pervasive and ingrained in our culture and lifestyle
Until someone puts their foot down
Nothing is gonna change
So tell me, tell me, when will it end?

Art, Brokenness, Changing, Discovery, Existentialism, Mental Health, Poetry, Questions, Reflections

Where Do I Go from Here?

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It’s become so hard for me to see
Where I wanna go and where I wanna be
I thought I knew, for the longest time
But I’m losing my direction slowly but surely
Things haven’t played out the way that I wanted
I was always meant to pivot from there
But it’s become harder to do as I get more blue

There was a time when I had plans A, B, and C
There were moments when I thought I had it all figured out
I was adaptable and flexible, motivated to press on
I kept my legs churning, kept moving forward

But it’s become harder and harder of late
It’s become easy for me to lose my way
It’s been so long since I’ve had a win
So it’s become harder and harder to bounce back
It’s become easier to lose my focus

How do I keep going on?
How do I transition to the next phase
When I’ve been out of it for so long?
What do I do next?
What is the next move?
I wish I knew
I wish I had my unshakeable confidence back
I wish my compass would fix itself
So I’d have some sense of direction once again

I’ve been going out of my mind
Trying to fit the pieces back together
But it hasn’t been the easiest of late
Something just feels off
Doesn’t feel right

It’s a feeling that I’ve tried my hardest to shake
But it just won’t break away, won’t come free
It’s sitting there in the back of my mind
There when I’m awake, there when I’m asleep
My subconscious mind is trying to tell me something
But what?

The same dreams repeat over and over
Placing me in the middle of scenarios that I thought I’d outgrown
Reminders of past failures continuing to trouble my mind
But I’m not like that anymore!
I’m better now, smarter, wiser, enlightened

But still my past haunts me in my dreams
Still it screams out, “I’m still here!”
How do I tune out the voices?
How do I let go of the past?
How do I move on into the present and the future
When my past is still clawing at my leg?
I’ve moved on, I’ve gotten over it, I’ve let go
But it seems my past still has ahold of me
Gripping tightly and never letting go
How do I move on?
Where do I go from here?

Brokenness, Discovery, Mental Health, Poetry, Questions, Reflections, Writing

Losing My Way

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For so long I thought I knew where I wanted to go
But it seems I’ve lost my way as of late
I knew it wouldn’t be easy
I knew it wouldn’t be quick
And yet I still found myself sick (of waiting)
I found myself feeling impatient
Feeling like the whole world was against me
Feeling like the fates weren’t going to be kind

But I was being too hard on myself
Not giving myself enough credit
Not properly valuing my worth
Overlooking the amount of work I’ve put in
I can do great things, I just need to believe in myself
I’ve already learned so much along the way
Already improved by leaps and bounds

I have to keep pressing on
There’s more to learn
More to do along the way
The going will be tough, won’t ever be easy
But I’ve faced failure before
And I’m not afraid of it

The best things in life require hard work and sacrifice
Success is earned, it’s never given
Your reward will come once the work is done
Not a second or a minute or a day before
Your time will come
But it may not be according to plan

Keep your head down
And keep doing what you do
Your toil and dedication will get you to where you want to go
In the end you will have the last laugh
All those who doubted you
Where are they now?
They’ve been silenced
And have floated away in the wind

Some day you’ll get to where you want to go
But not without effort and work ethic
Not without putting in the hours
Sometimes you will find that you’ve lost your way
But it doesn’t mean you can’t find your way back again
Take a step back and relax
Show yourself some grace
Be patient with yourself
You’ll figure it out at the end of the day

Art, Brokenness, Depression, Doubt, Healing, Mental Health, Poetry, Questions, Self-Care, Self-Love, Writing

Stop This Train

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Trapped in my own mind
Trying to escape but not knowing how
I wish I could take a break from myself
Not have to live with who I am for just one day

The good times are good
But the bad cause me to spiral out
Sometimes I can prevent it from getting worse
Sometimes I can get in my own way
Stop the train before it runs off the track
Stop the momentum before I bottom out

But most of the time I feel helpless
A spectator of a fiery crash
A man without volition
Not in full control within my mind
Sometimes it feels like I’m just a passenger in this thing called life
Going where my mental illnesses take me

Not in control, not the conductor
I wish things were different
I wish it was just me, without the tagalongs that corrupt me
But it can’t really be that way when you’re not mentally healthy
It’s been better lately than it’s been in the past
But my mental illnesses, they are a part of me

And like it or not, they always will be
I’ve been working through this for the last few years
But it’s been a work in progress and it will remain that way
I’m hoping some day that I’ll be able to stop this train
Take control before it runs off the track

I want it to be brighter days ahead
Lock up my depression so it can’t rear its head
Subdue my anxiety, put it to bed
But expecting to do either is a hopeless endeavor
I have to live with them both, so it’s best to figure out how

I’m hoping that one day I’ll regain full control
Dictate to them where it is we should go
My illnesses, they bring me down a path of destruction
They know the best way towards self-sabotage
They lie to me, and trick me into believing I’m less than I am

But I’m better than this, I know that in my heart
I will not let myself be limited
I won’t let them tell me this is as high as I can go
The sky’s the limit
And I intend to reach that and beyond

I’ll stop this train no matter what it takes
So that I can redirect it from here on
I’m the conductor so I’ll tell you when we can stop
Where we’re going we’ll only keep going up and up

Brokenness, Doubt, isolation, Loss, Mental Health, people, Poetry, Self-Care, Self-Love

Learning to Fly

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They say that, “if you love something, you should let it go”
To me, that’s just an excuse
It sounds better than, “honestly, I’d rather be alone”
No matter the case, you think you’d be better off on your own
I’m not here to judge, not here to condone
That’s not my business. I’m gonna mind my own

Not so hard to do, considering I’m often alone
Ignored, overlooked, pushed to the side
That’s always been the vibe
Sick of the disrespect, sick of the bad times
I’m letting go, freeing myself
Not gonna continue letting others dictate my worth
I know what I’m capable of, I know what I deserve

They say that, “if you love something, you should let it go”
I love myself too much to let them keep getting away with it
So I’m letting go, freeing myself
Putting distance between me and them
It’s the best thing for me
It’s the only way for me to find peace
Something that was taken from me

I’m letting go, saying goodbye
Finally, after all this time, I’m learning to fly
I’ve always been alone, always been on my own
Always thought I wanted to be part of a community
I thought I wanted to find my place in society
But perhaps that’s not what I needed, not what was for me

Maybe this is what was meant for me
Flying solo, flying freely
Unchained and unfettered
Free from the constraints of others’ expectations
After all this time, I’m learning to fly
I’m better on my own

I’m coming to peace
There’s no real place for me in society
But that’s perfectly fine
I’ll still continue to learn how to fly
They say that, “if you love something, you should let it go”
I love myself so much that I’m willing to let go

I’ve come to accept that I’m better on my own
Finally, after all this time, I’m learning to fly
I’ve grown weary and tired of being told what I’m capable of
I’m not going to continue letting them dictate my worth
Fuck that noise, I won’t let you limit me
I’ll learn how to fly, and I’m gonna thrive