Category Archives: Changing

Changing, Depression, Discovery, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness, Writing

Growing Pains

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“Life is what you make of it.” A statement that I’ve gone back and forth on for years. When I was younger, it was a phrase that limited me, held me back. It added extra pressure in ways that weren’t beneficial. As a depressed teenager, this was one of my main trigger phrases. C’mon you know them. Things like, “just be happy,” or “look on the bright side,” or “you’ll be okay.” All phrases that are seemingly harmless to the neurotypical, but from the outside looking in, you have no idea how damaging such phrases can be to the neurodivergent, even if your intentions are pure (yes, I know that depression and anxiety aren’t traditionally counted among the neurodivergent, but I beg to differ). 

Deep down, I knew that these statements all had a grain of truth to them, but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear at all. The truth is I was already too psychologically unstable for any of this stuff to resonate. By the time my mom started throwing these phrases at me in my later high school years, it was already too late. I had already closed myself off to the world. Put up my barriers. Conditioned myself to expect the worst. Convinced myself of my worthlessness. I had zero belief in myself or my ability. So how could you say those things to me? How could you tell me that life is what you make of it, if I didn’t think I was capable of doing anything worthwhile? How could you tell me to just be happy, if I no longer remembered what happiness felt like? How could you tell me to look on the bright side, if I felt like the bright side had already passed me by?

I was already too blinded by my pessimism. Too worn down by life’s struggles to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was hard for me to see a way through when my mind was clouded by the darkness inside. It was hard for me to believe that the sun would shine again, when I was under a perpetual rain cloud. So, it really didn’t matter how true these statements were (or weren’t), there was no getting through to me in my emotional state. And that’s part of the reason why things never really got better for me for the longest time—because my perspective on life hadn’t changed. I was trying to do things differently while maintaining the same thought process. Which, I’ve learned the hard way doesn’t often work out. If you want real change in your life, you can’t be half-in/half-out. You’re either committed or you’re not.

Of course, I’m oversimplifying it quite a bit, but think about it. If you lack commitment or if you’re not serious enough about wanting to change, you’re not going to do everything within your power to see that happen. It’ll be easier for you to make excuses or justify bad habits by saying, “but that’s the way I’ve always done it.” Easier to revert to old ways. Easier to give up when the going gets tough. In order to move onward and upward, you need to be able to look at your life holistically and determine what needs changing and what doesn’t. It’s hard to do that without changing your perspective. That’s not to say that it can’t be done, only that it makes it more challenging. You do, however, have to look at it on a case by case basis. In my case, I was doing myself a disservice by putting obstacles in my own way. By not committing to change I was only setting myself up for failure. By not changing my perspective I was only delaying healing and progress. 

Some people are born with confidence, or an innate desire to strive for better, or are naturally able to self-motivate and push themselves without any outside influence. Some people need to be taught these things. Some people need outside motivation to start the ball rolling. And some people are able to discover all of this on their own, but it might take some time. None of these approaches is inherently wrong, just different. As I’ve said before, each person has their own unique story to tell. No two people are blessed with the exact same gifts. No two people have the same weaknesses or face the same adversity. As such, each person goes through different stages of their lives at their own pace. At some point in your life you’ll have to learn to accept this.

The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be able to start figuring out how to navigate through life. It feels like we’re way too hard on ourselves sometimes. We beat ourselves up for mistakes that we’ve made. We don’t show ourselves enough patience or compassion. We see others thriving or making something of themselves, and we ask ourselves, “why am I such a loser,” or “what’s wrong with me,” or “why do I suck?” Instead of thinking about the steps that we need to take to get us there, we self-deprecate. We question our worth. We start doubting ourselves and our abilities. And it feels natural for us to do so! But this is an unhealthy way of thinking, and one that you need to try to break out of as soon as you can. You wouldn’t say such things to your friends or treat them that poorly. So why are you doing it to yourself? Show yourself some grace, and stop comparing yourself to others! Each situation is different, and as such, results will vary.

Easier said than done, as with all things. But you’ll feel better for it. Instead of comparing yourselves to others, compare who you are now to who you were then. I can guarantee you that there’s been some changes along the way—some good, some bad. Embrace them and rejoice in them. Each day is different. Some days will feel like a step in the right direction, some days won’t. But you can’t let a bad day ruin your week or your month or your year. Think about what you’re passionate about, and plant a purpose or goals in your mind. Figure out what you want to do in life, and go from there. And focus on controlling what you can control, which are namely your effort, consistency, drive, and discipline. If you can maintain your effort and consistency, drive and discipline will come in time. Remember that you can’t control how people react, you can only control what you put out. Once you embrace that, it’ll be easier for you to put your head down and get to work. But that will require you to develop a thicker skin, to build up some mental fortitude.

All that will come in time, and with experience. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to face your adversity head on. Which will hurt in the moment, but you’ll be better off in the end. Take it from me. As we’ve discussed before, I used to shut down when faced with adversity. I tried to run or hide every time, but I was only delaying the inevitable. The running and the hiding would only end up taking me so far. Ignoring my problems didn’t make them diminish or go away. In fact, it actually made them worse, far worse. It took years of therapy to break down my bad habits. To rid myself of my unhealthy way of thinking. To undo the harm I did to myself psychologically. It took even longer than that to change my perspective. To discover my passion. To find happiness. To build up confidence. 

It turns out that my mom was right after all. All I needed was a different perspective. But it was much much harder than she had made it seem. It wasn’t something that could be changed at the drop of a hat. It wasn’t something that would just click right away. It took a lot of effort and discipline. And I needed to condition and recondition myself in order to have a healthier mindset. But I was able to do it in the end. I came out of all of this stronger and more equipped to deal with whatever life throws at me. I’ve finally come to a place that I feel really good about. I’m excited about where I am and I’m motivated to continue to try to get to where I wanna go. 

And I want the same thing for you. I want to see you thrive. I want to see you pursue greatness. We were put here on this earth to build others up, not tear others down. Success breeds success. Positive energy is contagious. Surround yourself with individuals who are trying to be better versions of themselves each and every day, and soon you’ll see yourself wanting to do the same. Encourage each other, and eventually you’ll be able to get to where you want to go, together. We were all meant for great things in life. We are all more than capable. We are all talented and skilled in our own ways. No one was brought into life, destined to be mediocre. You can change your “fate.” Your life does not follow a script. You are in control of your life, your life is not in control of you.

Adversity. Challenges. Difficulties. Tough times. Rough days. They’re all a part of life. Everyone goes through them, but each person is given a unique set of circumstances. But these circumstances do not define or constrain you. You can change the narrative—you just have to to commit to it. Life isn’t about what you go through, but how you deal with it. Your adversity does not make you who you are, your fight does. I promise you you’ll come out of it stronger. It won’t be easy, but you’ll make it through—I have faith in you. It’ll be a tough road to get to greatness, but anything worth doing will cost you blood, sweat, and tears. The tough times aren’t setbacks, they’re just growing pains.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Writing

Hermit Mode

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I’ve often heard that being an aspiring author is a solitary profession. Maybe you’re still learning how to write or you have a work in progress or you’re struggling to find an agent or perhaps you’re going the self-publishing route and need to learn marketing skills. Whatever the case may be, you find yourself stuck in limbo. You haven’t broken into the industry yet, but writing isn’t just a hobby for you anymore. It’s become a habit, a passion, a lifestyle. Your day doesn’t quite feel complete if you haven’t spent time honing your craft. I know that feeling full well, of course, otherwise I wouldn’t be here on my soapbox. 

I knew going into this that it would be a reclusive endeavor, but I guess I just didn’t know to what extent. I’ve always been rather solitary (not necessarily by choice)—feeling like I was on the outside looking in, like I was out of place, like an outcast. I’ve always been rather misunderstood. None of these feelings are new to me, but I didn’t realize that these feelings could, in fact, deepen. I didn’t know that I could be more misunderstood than before. More alone in my pursuit. But knowing what I know now, this shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me. Without a “finished” product, very little is understood of what it is I’m trying to do. Until I transition from merely a writer to an author, no one is going to know who I am or care about what I do. That’s a hard truth that I’ve had to learn, and am still learning.

That fact is more clear to me now than ever. No one cares about what I have to say until I have a story to sell (and even then there’s no guarantee of interest). It’s been tough to reconcile that, but I think I’m finally starting to get over it. The reconciliation, however, is a cyclical process. Unfortunately for me, I keep falling for the same trap. I approach each new endeavor with optimism and enthusiasm, only to be met with disappointment when things fail to live up to expectations. For a while, I thought my mistake was setting my expectations too high, so I lowered them each subsequent time. Sure, this probably had something to do with it, but it wasn’t the root of the issue. My original mistake was setting any expectations to begin with. By doing so, I was constantly setting myself up for major letdown if things didn’t play out the way I envisioned. And boy, have things played out much differently (so far). 

As I mentioned last post, I’ve been met with a steadily increasing amount of apathy and indifference. Which honestly, is a creative’s worst nightmare. We want to feel like our artistry matters. That we’re making an impact. We want feedback good or bad. We want engagement. We want to feel like our art is being seen and/or heard. Of course, I don’t write for recognition or accolades or what have you. I write because it’s good for me. I write because it’s what I do, and what I want to do. I write because I can’t not write. But still… I want a little something more. I want to be thrown the occasional bone for the effort and work I’ve put in—even if it’s something as small as a fishbone. 

But this is where we begin to drift into dangerous territory. Where do I draw the line between believing that my hard work will pay off, and expecting to be rewarded for what I’ve done? When does this stop being an ideal and start looking like entitlement? I’ve said before that meritocracy is a key component of my ethos and world view. I operate under the assumption that positive energy and action gets reflected back, in turn. Your hard work and consistency will pay off. Your effort will be rewarded. While I don’t know any of this for certain, it’s what I believe and it’s what I choose to believe. I’ve learned the hard way that my optimistic outlook isn’t necessarily the most realistic, but it certainly beats the alternative, which I’ve been through before as well. 

The truth of the matter is that we don’t live in a perfect world. Many things work in theory, but not in practice. More often than not, ideals are unattainable. For example, some of us strive for perfection, even with the knowledge that this is not something that we can reach. That however, will not prevent the perfectionist within from trying to reach towards flawlessness. I could write faster if I didn’t tinker/edit/nitpick/re-read as much as I do. But I just can’t help myself—sometimes my perfectionism gets in the way of my artistry. I wouldn’t want it any other way though; I take pride in my work, and as such, I hold myself to an incredibly high standard. I can’t half ass anything, or post content that I think is shoddy. My conscience won’t let me do it. There’s a baseline quality level that every artistic endeavor of mine has to reach. Maybe this is another way that I set myself up for failure. Maybe setting such a high standard contributes to making unreasonable expectations. 

That’s not something I know for certain either. But I do know this: it keeps me motivated. If I wasn’t constantly striving to write to the best of my ability, I’d remain stagnant, and never get to where I needed to go. Each day I’m getting better at my craft, little by little. Each day I’m learning, improving, and growing. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, because I don’t have all the answers. Instead, I’m figuring things out as I progress further in my writing journey. Sometimes I’ll have to ask for help, sometimes I’ll have to look stuff up, sometimes I’ll have to try new things. All of this requires me to step out of my comfort zone, which of course is easier said than done.

If you know me, then you know that I’m rather reserved. I’m your textbook introvert—I don’t do well in larger crowds, I spend a lot of time alone or in my head, I’m not super active on social media, I tend to clam up in conversations with larger groups, I might come off as aloof or standoffish. It might not seem like I care, but I actually care a lot. I care more than you know. That’s partially why the indifference hurts me so much. It’s a massive step for me to even put myself out there in the first place. Which makes it that much more devastating when all I hear are crickets. But as I said earlier, I’m learning how to cope with it. People will react the way that they react. That doesn’t change my approach or my process. At the end of the day, it’s all about what I can control—my effort, energy, and consistency namely. I just have to keep doing what I’m doing. Good things will come to me eventually. I still have faith.

When it comes down to it, I am my own brand. Everything that I do artistically—my fiction, my poetry, my essays/blog posts, my social media content—goes towards it. I need to do whatever it takes to continue to build it up. I can’t afford not to. If I don’t do this for myself then who’s going to do it for me? There are so many things I’ve learned in the past three years or so about writing, mental health, life. I have a lot that I can share. A lot that I want to share. I just need the platform. 

It will take time and energy for me to cultivate a following. I understand that. I also understand that at the end of the day this might not even be within my control. There’s a possibility that my dreams will never become a reality. That’s just how the math goes. It’s a harsh truth that I have to accept. But it doesn’t mean that I give up on my dream. It doesn’t mean that I put in less effort. I can’t focus on that—it’s putting the cart before the horse. I’ve done that before, worrying about the future rather than focusing on the present. I know how that story goes. It never leads to anything good, just inaction and undue stress. I need to control what I can control, and let it play out on it’s own. I don’t know the future, but I can tell you this much: if I fail it won’t be due to a lack of effort on my part. I will do everything in my power to try to get to where I want to go. If I put in the work but I still can’t get there, I can live with that—at least I tried. 

That being said, it’s back to the lab for me. Back to my den of seclusion, so that I can crank out quality work. No man is an island. We weren’t meant to live in isolation, but I think that’s what’s next for me. While the pandemic may have ended a few years ago, social distancing still continued for me, in some ways. For the most part it was through circumstance rather than by choice, but perhaps it’s time for that to change. It’s time for me to go into Hermit Mode. To put my head down and get to work. To put on the blinders. To tune out the noise. Focus on the quality of my work and mastering my craft, rather than sit around waiting for a warm reception or any sort of reaction. Maybe when I pop my head out next, the reception will be warmer. Maybe it won’t. But I won’t hold my breath either way. I’m just going to keep on keeping on, and worry about that.

Art, Brokenness, Changing, Heartbreak, Loss, people, Poetry, Relationships

Growing Apart

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You ain’t gonna do this to me again
I’m not gonna let you keep hurting me like you do
I’ve shown you nothing but loyalty
But no one is ever loyal to me
I’m tired of it
Just so worn down
So damn sick of it all

I wish I didn’t feel this way
So utterly betrayed
But what can I say?
How can I feel any other way?
I’ve watched your actions
And this is what you’ve shown
We were together once, but now I’m on my own

You can say that I didn’t give enough
Or I didn’t care enough
Or that I didn’t do enough for you
But I gave you everything I could at the time
I just wasn’t equipped back then to love the way that I do (now)
I didn’t have the tools to give you what you needed

I’m afraid it’s too late now
The ship has sailed and we’ve gone too far
We’ve drifted too far apart to rescue who we were
What we had once is now too far gone
I can’t believe it came to this:
Saying goodbye
Bidding farewell to what we once had

This whole time I thought you’d be by my side
That we would lift each other up, build a life and thrive
I didn’t think it’d come to this
Get to a point where I’d question your loyalty
Come to a place where I’d have to decide between you or me

I never thought we’d drift this far
Find ourselves at a crossroads where we no longer aligned
I’m sorry but I have to do what’s best for me
Here’s where we part ways
You’ll go your way and I’ll go mine

There’s no way for us to keep growing together
So we’ll only just grow apart
Best if we just cut ties now
It’ll only get harder moving forward
Might as well just call it quits
I don’t wanna do it, and it’ll hurt my soul
But I don’t see any other way for this to end
Where we end is where I begin

Brokenness, Changing, Depression, Discovery, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Nature, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness, Writing

Finally Feeling Appreciative

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All these years I’ve never really had an appreciation for nature. Birds annoyed me. Scenery was boring. I hated raking the leaves and shoveling the snow. But most of all, I just didn’t really like being outside. There was too much pollen, too much dirt, not enough things to do. Weak excuses, I know! I just wasn’t the most active kid. I would ride my bike around the neighborhood in the summer. And I would snowboard or tube in the backyard (or hit the slopes, of course) in the winter. As a family, we would go on the occasional hike or camping trip. But aside from that, I spent most of my free time indoors—I preferred to be in my room. 

Growing up, my mom used to take us to the library all the time. I can’t say what drew me in exactly, but naturally, I gravitated towards fantasy and sci-fi—that interest has only strengthened over time. That being said, fantasy being what it is, I spent many a day immersed in wild landscapes. Reading about forests and oceans. Over the hill and through the woods. You know, heroes embarking on adventures and all that. Which should lend itself to love and appreciation for nature, right? Wrong! I liked nature in theory, but not in practice. I wandered the deserts and the plains on the page, but couldn’t be bothered to do it in person.

Fast forward to high school. Some things changed, but many others didn’t. I remember reading (and writing) quite a lot of poetry all four years. It was my first love, even if I didn’t want to admit it for a long time. There’s one unit that’s still particularly vivid in my mind. It was the winter of sophomore or junior year, the entire term was spent reading poetry. We started with the Brooding Romantics, then we moved onto Transcendentalism, and we ended with a third movement that I can’t seem to remember the name of (Realism maybe?). As you would expect, many a poem touched upon flora and fauna, scenery and wildlife. Sure, each one was super descriptive, sounded great, and was beautifully crafted, but I never truly understood it. I could picture the scene in my mind, but I could’t see the appeal in it, or appreciate the beauty. Nature just didn’t seem to resonate with me. I tried again and again to see things from their perspective but I just couldn’t do it.

The fact of the matter is I just didn’t have much appreciation for life in general. I wasn’t one to count my blessings or see things with rose-colored lenses or consider the glass to be half-full. I was more likely to mope or feel sorry for myself or focus on what I lacked. My vision was clouded by my hurt. I had too much bitterness and resentment in my heart to allow for love to come in. And without love, there is no appreciation. I know that full well now. Without love, everything dies. Without love, there is no joy or happiness or peace. Without love, there is only pain and hardship and bitterness. Everything needs love, everything starts with love.

I understand that finding a romantic partner is particularly difficult for some. But that’s not actually what I’m trying to get at here. When I say that, “everything starts with love,” I mean that everything starts with self-love. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done. I dunno what it is about our culture, but we’ve conditioned ourselves to be our biggest critics. We’re prone to self-deprecation and devaluing our worth. I suspect that oftentimes started out as a defense mechanism to protect us from bullying. “If I’m laughing at myself, then it means that they have no power over me.” But where do we draw the line? When does the self-deprecation go too far? When does it start to damage our ego and effect our self-confidence? I wish I knew the answers to these questions when I was younger. Perhaps my teenage years wouldn’t have been as rough. 

But as I’ve said before, we’re not able to change the past. Our trauma and our scars are a part of us, just as our passions and our interests are also. The good and the bad make us who we are. We can’t have strength without weakness. Positive without negative. Healing without hurting. That being said, my depression and my anxiety are a part of me. It’s a part of my history, but it’s also a part of my story. Even though I’ve found my healing, these are things I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. Depression isn’t a thing that’s over and done with, it’s something I have to fight every single day of every goddamn year. Despite what it seems, acknowledging that doesn’t mean that you’re giving it power. But rather, that you accept and love yourself as you are: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Your mental illness(es) are part of your story, but they don’t define you.

For a long time, that wasn’t something that I believed. Instead, I let the voices win. I bought into the lies that they told me. You’re worthless. You’re useless. You won’t amount to much. It seemed that my depression and anxiety would get in my way at every turn. And so they did until I finally ended up in therapy. Life was quite dark for me, trapped beneath a cloud of despair. I’ve vowed to never return to that melancholic state, but it’s a daily struggle for me (and for people like me). That’s just how it goes.

I’ll have good months and bad months, good weeks and bad weeks, good days and bad days. Some days are easier than others, some days I can be strong in my resolve. Others are tougher. But regardless, I will still fight. Battles will be hard fought, but the war will never be won. But that doesn’t mean that I give in. I just need to keep picking myself back up, dusting off my shoulders, and continuing forwards. Instead of cowering like I used to, I stare down my mental illness and say, “not today, motherfucker. I am in control of this life, not you.” Just because I’ve been dealt that card doesn’t mean that I’m going to let it hold me back. Not anymore. The going has been tough, and will continue to be, but I’ll be better for it in the end. I only come out of this stronger. Better. Wiser.

So, as I grow older, the acceptance and love for myself also grows. And with that comes appreciation. Appreciation for the things around me. Everything that I’ve been blessed with. The good and the bad. My strengths and my weaknesses. The lessons that I’ve learned. The trauma from my past. The brightness of my future. But most importantly, I’ve finally started to understand the thing that never made sense to me before. I’m finally able to appreciate the beauty of nature. The birds chirping in the morning. The scent of flowers in bloom. A trek through the forest. A walk along the beach. The stunning vistas from the mountaintops. Life can be abundant, and full of joy. It can be happy and fulfilling. It can also be busy and stressful. So don’t forget to take a moment to smell the roses. 

Changing, Discovery, Growth, Knowledge, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

It’s Not That Simple

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“Are you a good person?” I’m sure everyone’s been asked that a number of times. If you asked a younger version of me, my answer would be fairly straightforward. I’d unequivocally say yes, and that would be the end of the discussion. If you asked me now, I would tell you, “it’s not that simple.” It’s not a yes or no question—it’s much more nuanced than that. The older I get, the more I realize that there aren’t really any absolutes in life. Not that many things are actually black and white. Most things require a much more discerning eye than simply sorting things into this or that. Everything requires a delicate balance, and life is akin to walking a tightrope. It’s more of a sliding scale than multiple choice. I know that now, but I didn’t always.

I grew up in a triple C home—Conservative, Christian, and Chinese. One of these things has changed entirely, one of them looks different than it did back then, and one of these things can’t be changed no matter how hard I try. I’m sure you can probably figure out which is which. Regardless, this resulted in me being raised in a way that sheltered me from the outside world. I was led to believe that all things could be looked at through a black and white lens. It was good versus evil. Either people were for you or they were against you. You were either righteous or a sinner. It was implied that there was no in between. And for the longest time I believed that. I didn’t know any better.

It wasn’t until college that I started to understand how the world really worked—which is to say that it doesn’t work the way that I thought it did, not even close. Coming out from under my parents’ protective umbrella worked wonders for opening my eyes. My whole life up til then had been oversimplified. I learned (perhaps the hard way) that there is in fact an in between! You’re generally given more than two options in life. Shades of gray exist everywhere despite what I was told. That’s what makes a lot of these hot button political issues so difficult to parse. Take illegal immigration for example, it’s nothing so simple as, “for it or against it.” There’s also a, “yes, but…” and a, “no, but…” amongst other answers. The question itself is far too complex for you to reply with a simple one. There’s more context needed. And you need to ask questions such as is legal immigration easier or harder for certain countries? Can prospective immigrants afford to acquire all the legal documents? Is legally migrating even feasible for certain individuals? Like I said, life is nuanced. But let’s not drift too far into that tangent, let me rein it back in here.

Something I pride myself on nowadays is my adaptability. Yes, I’m stubborn in certain ways, and I work better with a schedule and a plan. But I’m not rigid, not like how I used to be. My worldview and ethos change as I learn new things and gather more information. My perspective is constantly evolving, because that’s how you grow and improve. The one thing it can’t be is static, because that often leads to close-mindedness.   I’ve been through that before, and it’s not a great place to be to say the least. As I’ve said, the main goal is always to be a better person today than you were yesterday—in order to do that, you need to be flexible in thought and in action. Everything else is secondary. Yes, you want to be kind to those around you. Yes, you want to make an impact or a difference. Yes, you want to progress in your career or in your love life or what have you. But at the end of the day, none of this is possible if you haven’t worked on yourself first. If you’re not seeking to be a better version of yourself each and every day what are you doing it for? What “better” entails depends on the person and the day. I guarantee you that it won’t always be the same thing. And it won’t be easy.

But like I always say, everything is a learning experience. You take the good and the bad and you get better from it. It doesn’t matter if you succeed or if you fail, as long as you’ve learned something. You don’t want to be making the same mistakes over and over. You don’t want life to attempt to teach you the same lessons. Life is finite, so you want to make good use of your time. You learn and you grow and you move on. And your perspective continues to evolve. If you can do that then you’re on a path of continual progress, you keep moving onwards and upwards. I’d be remiss not to mention that there is no end to the journey of enlightenment—there will always be more to learn. But that’s not the point. You’re not doing it for a perfect ending. All you’re focused on is improving incrementally. It could be 1% a day or 10% a day, the number itself doesn’t matter, as long as you’re striving for better, and putting in some level of effort.

It took me quite a while to fully understand this, but everything that I’ve been through has brought me to this point. So although I regret wasting my time for so long, I don’t regret any of my past experiences. Especially not the adversity I went through, which helped shape me. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without having gone through all of that. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. Everything happened for very specific reasons. Not all of which are clear to me just yet, but will be with time. 

One thing that has become clear to me is that even though I have since distanced myself from the way my parents raised me, I still believe that they were well-intentioned in their approach. They did what they thought was right, so I can’t fault them for that. However, things didn’t really work out the way that they intended. There were many unintended byproducts of their parenting philosophy, some of which were beneficial and some of which were harmful. But you live and you learn. There was no way for them to know how things would turn out without trying it first. This ended up being more of a lesson for me than it was for them. 

The way my parents raised me has taught me certain facts of life that I want to pass on when I have kids of my own, but it has also taught me certain tactics that I want to stay far away from. They taught me how to be polite and generous. How to be respectful and compassionate. How to be smart and resourceful. But in certain ways they didn’t push me hard enough. They didn’t stress to me the importance of putting in effort or being a driven individual. They didn’t necessarily support me enough in my passions early on, which didn’t give me the confidence and mental fortitude to survive out there in the world. They didn’t provide me with the tools that I needed to set realistic expectations. And they didn’t give me the individual care that I needed. But I’m not going to lay all the blame on them for the way things turned out, because it’s not their fault. It takes nature and nurture and sheer dumb luck to mold our childhood selves into who we become when we get older. 

In this day and age it feels like we’re too often looking for cause and effect. Too often looking for people or things to blame for our luck or misfortune. But that’s just it… Luck and fortune/misfortune are dictated by fate (and/or God, depending on what you believe). Life is random, and sometimes shit just happens. Not everything needs an explanation, and not everything can be so easily summed up. Not everything has a party at fault. Sometimes both parties are at fault, sometimes neither is. And more often than not it lies somewhere in between. 

In many ways that scares us, but it shouldn’t. Life is nuanced and complicated. And answers are only simple at a quick glance. If you drill down deeper you will see that everything is quite complex. Such is life. If you’re looking for a simple or easy life you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Such a thing does not exist if you’re on the path to enlightenment. Such a thing does not exist if you’re continually seeking knowledge. Such a thing does not exist if you’re trying to move onwards and upwards. If you want to be better today than you were yesterday, then you better believe that the going will be challenging. But challenges keep you motivated. Are you up for the challenge?