Sorry again for the inactivity. Seems like I’ve been saying that a lot lately. Maybe it’s getting a bit redundant, but I guess I feel like I owe it to my readership and to myself. You know me, I value my consistency above most things. So it pains me greatly that my consistency has been lacking so far this year. This isn’t the way I wanna do things. Unfortunately, life has been pretty up and down for me of late. And it’s been a little hard for me to stay motivated and maintain my focus. I’m trying though, so hopefully we can return to our regularly scheduled program!
If you’ve been following along, you most likely already know that I have a tendency to overthink and become trapped in my own head. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was young. And while I’ve gotten better about it over the years, it feels natural for me to revert back to it (as with all bad habits). It’s not necessarily by choice mind you. Sometimes various worries and anxieties about life cloud my vision, cause me to lose sight of where I’m trying to go, and disrupt my process. If I don’t stay vigilant, it’s easy to let down my guard. Normally I’m pretty on top of that, and in the past, even when I have let down my guard I’ve done a good job of restoring it, for the most part. But it’s safe to say that it’s not the case this time around.
It’s been a weird six months to say the least, as I’ve alluded to a few times. After visiting my parents in September I found myself in a major funk. It’s come and gone every few weeks since. For a while I was hesitant to call it depression, but it sure felt like depression. I refused to believe that it had come back, because I thought that it was finished and done with. I thought that the war was over. But little did I know how naive I was to believe that. For people like us, this isn’t something that just goes away, not completely. It sounds disheartening, but hear me out.
Early on in the first round of therapy I had said something along these lines to my therapist. And she had pushed back on my statement, leading me to assume that this was one of the lies that the devil told me. In a way it is, but turns out I was actually onto something, I just didn’t know it at the time. You can probably blame that on poor articulation. Back then we hadn’t yet built a rapport with each other. She didn’t have a great understanding of who I was, where I came from, or the way I talked. What’s more, I wasn’t as forthcoming about my struggles as I am now nor was I as sure of my words. I mean no shit… that’s kinda obvious and expected. After almost three and a half years, and God knows how many sessions, of course I’m way more comfortable now. But I digress.
It’s clear to me now that she had misunderstood my intention. I wasn’t saying that I believed that the pain would never end, or that I would never get better or find healing, which I think is the way that she took it. And when she asked me to clarify, I didn’t yet know how. It really didn’t become clear to me what I had meant until a few months ago, right after the new year. It’s a daily battle for people like us. We have to say no to our demons every single day. It’s not a one & done thing. It’s not, “I beat depression and it’s over for good.” It’s not something we beat once and it never returns. Unfortunately, that’s just not how it works. In a way, this is our vice, just like an alcoholic or a porn addict has a vice. Not strictly by the dictionary definition—no one wishes that they were depressed—but it’s the same struggle. We’re plagued with the same temptation. It’s easier to give up and give in. It’s easier to let your demons win. It’s easier to lay down and roll over.
But the easy way is not usually the right way. That’s become clear to me time and time again. All good things in life require effort. Your mental health is no different. If you want to be truly happy and healthy you need to try and try and try again. Depression and anxiety and any other mental illness will rear its head up and beckon you back. It’s never going to leave you, in that way. But it’s in your power to refuse to let it take hold of you once again. It’s within your rights to deny it it’s strength. Your life is in your control. You can and should and will say no to this miasma of the mind. You have to. Life just doesn’t flow smoothly if you don’t. Each day becomes a chore if you let your depression win. That being said, saying no will not be easy. In fact, it might be the toughest challenge that you face daily. But you will face it, and you will conquer it, and you will feel better because of it.
This is as much a reminder for you as it is for me. I’m just now finding my way back, having lost sight of this since September. Like I said, I had let down my guard, and had some difficulty recovering. Of course there were some traps—which in hindsight were rather obvious—that I had failed to avoid, and there were some misconceptions and false expectations. But still, theoretically I should’ve been well-equipped to handle this. Alas, it is what it is. This is what happened and I can’t change that, but I can be better prepared for the future. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in therapy is how to set boundaries. Admittedly, this is something I did not know how to do at all beforehand. I was always a rather shy and passive kid. Someone who didn’t give, “no” for an answer. I just could not deal with the discomfort of denying someone. As a result, I allowed people to take advantage of me, making me feel like a human doormat at times. Not a great feeling.
This is something that I tried to change in college, but it didn’t work out so well. At the end of the day, I was still attending college for reasons other than self-interest (I don’t mean this in a pejorative way). As with most other things, I was doing things for someone else’s benefit, rather than my own. But that didn’t become clear to me until I was already in my late twenties—something that I’ve addressed before. Not to say that therapy created me per se, but I do not view myself as a real life adult human before this. I was a lonely, depressed kid playing dress up. Someone that didn’t know what he wanted to do in life, but was willing to go along with whatever was suggested. When someone told me my new haircut made me look like someone who owned a motorcycle I decided that I wanted to ride a motorcycle. When someone told me I looked like a skater, I decided to buy a skateboard. When I was told that my career was supposed to look like such and such, I took them at their word. Never wondered if it was what I truly wanted.
Which inevitably led me to many years of angst, filled with feelings of dissatisfaction. I tried my best to ignore them for the longest time. After all, ignoring things was one of my go-to “solutions.” But you can only ignore a problem this immense for so long. Eventually I started to question my worth and wonder what the meaning of life was. Was I meant to work at the same dead end job for thirty plus years? What was my ceiling? Where did I belong in life? All of this caused me to spiral into my self-doubt. An existential crisis if ever there was one. Little did I know that thus began the cycle. My existential crisis would lead to therapy which would lead to healing which would lead to restored confidence which would lead to raised expectations which would lead back to disappointment and doubt. And it would rinse and repeat over and over and over.
How many times will I make the same mistakes until I learn the lessons I’m supposed to learn? How many times will I fall for the same traps? I know better than this. This was the whole reason why I had set up boundaries in the first place—so that the line wouldn’t be crossed unless I allowed it to be. The unfortunate truth is that not everyone cares about you in the way that you need them to. It doesn’t matter if they’re family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers or strangers. Everyone has a different view on life, so any advice or feedback is already tainted with someone else’s opinion. It’s up to you to discern whether or not what someone says to you is pertinent to your life. Some people might see your vision, many others will not. Loved ones might think they’re giving you what you need, but again you need to decide that on your own.
Your confidence and motivation comes from within. You have to set and reset expectations. Keep pushing towards your goals. Keep your eye on the prize so to speak. You can’t let others dictate to you the timeline—the biggest mistake that I was making. You can’t let others tell you you’re going too fast or too slow. Speed is not what matters, quality is. If you’re putting in the time and the effort to constantly improve and progress, things will come together for you eventually. It’s a question of when not if. Unfortunately, the question of when cannot be answered. You need to have faith that it will happen, and have confidence that you’re capable of this. You hope for success but you do not expect it. Stay humble enough to transition to Plan B if necessary. Things might not work out exactly how you envision, but it doesn’t mean you give up. You just keep pushing and striving for better. Put your head down and tune out the noise. There will be naysayers and haters. They might even be closer to you than you imagined. But all of that only serves as a distraction. Confidence can be lost, but it can also be gained. You just need to find your focus and maintain it.
JHUMWRITES—A Mental Health Blog 