I just returned from a well-needed and well-deserved vacation. The second one I’ve taken in the last four months. I’m rested, relaxed, and refocused. So that’s it, take two. Here we go. Let’s try this again. No distractions. No lack of focus. No being thrown off my game this time. As I’ve mentioned several times recently, getting back on track hasn’t been easy as of late. We’ve gone over the self-doubt, and perceived lack of support and understanding, and the differing expectations, so we don’t really need to rehash that here. I need to do better and try harder to get on schedule, that’s really what it comes down to. No excuses. And no, “I’ll try.” I just need to do it and that’s it. 

I have to admit that this is still kinda new to me: transitioning to vacation mode and back. When I was still part of the workforce I had been conditioned to believe that I needed a very good reason for missing work. So I barely took off—something I still regret. Several well-timed vacations would’ve given me a chance to physically and mentally reset. I know that now, but you live and you learn. And you can’t change the past. If I had been in a better mental state back then my life would’ve turned out very differently. Would it have been better? Would it have been worse? Would I still have learned the lessons that I needed to learn? Who knows. 

All I know is that I’m moving forward, in the midst of a transformation. I think everyone is to some extent. Everyone came out of the pandemic changed in some way. How could we not? We live in a society where most individuals don’t spend that much time isolated and alone. It has now come and gone, and we’re still trying to figure out what life looks like afterwards. Truth be told, I didn’t really know what life was supposed to look like before that either. For most of my teenage and adult years I was suffering from depression and anxiety. I had trouble finding the meaning in life, and I didn’t know what happiness looked like. All I knew was pain and suffering, and sadness. No surprise then that my outlook on life was already tainted.

As I’ve said before, therapy saved me and brought me healing. It helped me to change my mindset. Helped me to be more grateful. More productive. More satisfied with where I was and where I was going. More in tune with myself. It showed me how to love myself and to love others. It showed me the meaning of life. And it showed me my purpose. I could go on about what it’s done for me, but we would be here all day, so I’ll end with this: the most important thing that therapy taught me was how to think critically and reflect. Neither of which was something I really did much of before. Yes, I did a lot of thinking when I was younger, but I spent a lot of that time moping and/or feeling sorry for myself, which obviously isn’t helpful or productive.

That’s not what reflection is. Reflection isn’t just thinking for the sake of it. It isn’t just stewing over things in your head or circulating thoughts. Reflection calls for action. It requires dictating the next steps, finding a path forwards. It means thinking about ways to avoid making the same mistakes. It means learning from your past to better guide your future. You know what the fun thing about reflection is though? You can always learn new things from revisiting past events. Growth isn’t always linear. Past trauma can teach you different things in different phases of your life. 

Although that became clear to me during my first cycle of therapy, it’s something that I’m reminded of continually. Naturally, I’m someone who doesn’t really let things go. Try as I may I don’t really forget past events, misplace information, or overlook minor details. It’s a bit of a blessing and a curse. I’m good with names and faces. I could probably put together a family tree based off of anecdotes. I can recall details you may have told me once in passing five years ago. But I also find it hard to forgive and forget. I find it hard to move past disagreements. I find it hard not to hold grudges. No surprise then that when I was younger I used to react in destructive ways. I was prone to lashing out or acting petty. If I didn’t do either I would bottle up my emotion until it reached harmful levels. I either became a detriment to others or a detriment to myself.

Over time and through therapy I’ve learned to explore things in more productive ways—turn my negative energy into positive energy. And that starts with reflection. If I’m going to be spending all that time thinking about the past, then I better make the most of it. Instead of stewing, I should be processing. Instead of internalizing perceived slights against me I should be thinking of how I can be better. Instead of getting caught up in the failure, I should be learning from the mistake. Once I started focusing my attention on the future rather than dwelling on the past I was able to move on with my life. Able to better direct my path moving forwards. 

There’s nothing worse than the feeling you get when you keep making the same mistakes over and over. You might feel like you’re stuck, or that you have no say in the matter. You might feel like the outcome is inevitable, but it’s not! You aren’t destined to be a failure. You aren’t destined to be a loser. You aren’t destined to keep repeating the cycle. You can alter the course of your life, but you have to learn from your mistakes. If things aren’t working out you have to try something new. You have to be willing to ask for help or guidance. You have to try your best to problem solve. And you know what that starts with? Yup, you guessed it: reflection. You take what life has given you and you think things through. You reflect before you react, and then you go from there.

It’s really pretty crazy looking back at what my life looked like before I started reflecting. It was chaotic and uncontrolled. Unpredictable in some ways but obvious in others. Of course pre-reflection Justin was also pre-therapy Justin, so we do have to take that into account. I already wasn’t sound of mind, but add poor decision making to the mix, as well as stubbornness that led to repeating the same mistakes? That’s a recipe for disaster. In essence I was going through life without a game plan. Trying to figure out how to live without any direction. My decision making was almost always rash and in the moment, not thinking about how it would affect my future. Not thinking of the repercussions, of which there were many. I lived moment to moment, thinking that I would deal with things as they came. 

Sounds good in theory, but this just wasn’t something that happened. Expectation wasn’t reality. As I’ve said before, I was more likely to run and hide from adversity than to face it head on. I wanted to deal with things as they came, but I didn’t. Part of it was because I didn’t know how, but a larger part of it was that I didn’t even try. It’s one thing to think something, but being determined to do it is something else entirely. However, neither matters if action doesn’t follow. I say this time and time again, but I’ll say it again. In order to live the life that you envision, you need to do your part. You need to push and grind. You need to put in the effort.

And yes, it all starts with reflection. Things didn’t used to go my way because I didn’t have any semblance of a plan in place. I hadn’t plotted how I would get from point A to point B. I hadn’t figured out how to stop repeating mistakes. I hadn’t drilled down to the root of my issues. I hadn’t actually made any changes to my mindset or lifestyle, even though I kept telling myself that I would. I wanted or expected certain things from life but I didn’t do what needed to be done in order to get those results. I hadn’t learned my lessons. Life is funny that way. It might feel like you’re destined to repeat past mistakes or to suffer from the same issues. But you’re really not. It only feels that way because you haven’t learned from them yet. Once you learn from them, life will throw new challenges at you and you can move on.

Unfortunately, it took me twenty-eight years to finally move on. To finally try something different after years of frustration. To finally admit that what I was doing wasn’t working. To finally realize why my life felt meaningless—because what I was doing wasn’t fulfilling. To finally decide that I wanted to live a life that was worth living. To finally be a productive member of society. And it took another year and a half to come up with a gameplan. None of this would’ve been possible without reflection. And reflection only happened cause of therapy. So when I say that therapy saved my life, I mean that in more ways than one. It helped me to redirect my life trajectory. Helped me to rediscover my purpose and meaning. Helped me to redefine what I meant to the world. 

But this starts with me. And it starts with you. It starts with processing your past to guide your future. It starts with looking in the mirror and deciding who you want to be. It starts with making the steps necessary to better your quality of life. It starts with sitting down and figuring out what’s working and what isn’t. It starts with coming up with reasons to keep on going, thinking of what gets you up in the morning. The life that you’re living might not be the life that you’re meant for. The career path that you’re on might not be the thing that you’re passionate about. But you will never know unless you reflect.