Category Archives: Healing

Depression, Existentialism, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Confidence Lost

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Sorry again for the inactivity. Seems like I’ve been saying that a lot lately. Maybe it’s getting a bit redundant, but I guess I feel like I owe it to my readership and to myself. You know me, I value my consistency above most things. So it pains me greatly that my consistency has been lacking so far this year. This isn’t the way I wanna do things. Unfortunately, life has been pretty up and down for me of late. And it’s been a little hard for me to stay motivated and maintain my focus. I’m trying though, so hopefully we can return to our regularly scheduled program!

If you’ve been following along, you most likely already know that I have a tendency to overthink and become trapped in my own head. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was young. And while I’ve gotten better about it over the years, it feels natural for me to revert back to it (as with all bad habits). It’s not necessarily by choice mind you. Sometimes various worries and anxieties about life cloud my vision, cause me to lose sight of where I’m trying to go, and disrupt my process. If I don’t stay vigilant, it’s easy to let down my guard. Normally I’m pretty on top of that, and in the past, even when I have let down my guard I’ve done a good job of restoring it, for the most part. But it’s safe to say that it’s not the case this time around.

It’s been a weird six months to say the least, as I’ve alluded to a few times. After visiting my parents in September I found myself in a major funk. It’s come and gone every few weeks since. For a while I was hesitant to call it depression, but it sure felt like depression. I refused to believe that it had come back, because I thought that it was finished and done with. I thought that the war was over. But little did I know how naive I was to believe that. For people like us, this isn’t something that just goes away, not completely. It sounds disheartening, but hear me out. 

Early on in the first round of therapy I had said something along these lines to my therapist. And she had pushed back on my statement, leading me to assume that this was one of the lies that the devil told me. In a way it is, but turns out I was actually onto something, I just didn’t know it at the time. You can probably blame that on poor articulation. Back then we hadn’t yet built a rapport with each other. She didn’t have a great understanding of who I was, where I came from, or the way I talked. What’s more, I wasn’t as forthcoming about my struggles as I am now nor was I as sure of my words. I mean no shit… that’s kinda obvious and expected. After almost three and a half years, and God knows how many sessions, of course I’m way more comfortable now. But I digress.

It’s clear to me now that she had misunderstood my intention. I wasn’t saying that I believed that the pain would never end, or that I would never get better or find healing, which I think is the way that she took it. And when she asked me to clarify, I didn’t yet know how. It really didn’t become clear to me what I had meant until a few months ago, right after the new year. It’s a daily battle for people like us. We have to say no to our demons every single day. It’s not a one & done thing. It’s not, “I beat depression and it’s over for good.” It’s not something we beat once and it never returns. Unfortunately, that’s just not how it works. In a way, this is our vice, just like an alcoholic or a porn addict has a vice. Not strictly by the dictionary definition—no one wishes that they were depressed—but it’s the same struggle. We’re plagued with the same temptation. It’s easier to give up and give in. It’s easier to let your demons win. It’s easier to lay down and roll over.

But the easy way is not usually the right way. That’s become clear to me time and time again. All good things in life require effort. Your mental health is no different. If you want to be truly happy and healthy you need to try and try and try again. Depression and anxiety and any other mental illness will rear its head up and beckon you back. It’s never going to leave you, in that way. But it’s in your power to refuse to let it take hold of you once again. It’s within your rights to deny it it’s strength. Your life is in your control. You can and should and will say no to this miasma of the mind. You have to. Life just doesn’t flow smoothly if you don’t. Each day becomes a chore if you let your depression win. That being said, saying no will not be easy. In fact, it might be the toughest challenge that you face daily. But you will face it, and you will conquer it, and you will feel better because of it.

This is as much a reminder for you as it is for me. I’m just now finding my way back, having lost sight of this since September. Like I said, I had let down my guard, and had some difficulty recovering. Of course there were some traps—which in hindsight were rather obvious—that I had failed to avoid, and there were some misconceptions and false expectations. But still, theoretically I should’ve been well-equipped to handle this. Alas, it is what it is. This is what happened and I can’t change that, but I can be better prepared for the future. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in therapy is how to set boundaries. Admittedly, this is something I did not know how to do at all beforehand. I was always a rather shy and passive kid. Someone who didn’t give, “no” for an answer. I just could not deal with the discomfort of denying someone. As a result, I allowed people to take advantage of me, making me feel like a human doormat at times. Not a great feeling. 

This is something that I tried to change in college, but it didn’t work out so well. At the end of the day, I was still attending college for reasons other than self-interest (I don’t mean this in a pejorative way). As with most other things, I was doing things for someone else’s benefit, rather than my own. But that didn’t become clear to me until I was already in my late twenties—something that I’ve addressed before. Not to say that therapy created me per se, but I do not view myself as a real life adult human before this. I was a lonely, depressed kid playing dress up. Someone that didn’t know what he wanted to do in life, but was willing to go along with whatever was suggested. When someone told me my new haircut made me look like someone who owned a motorcycle I decided that I wanted to ride a motorcycle. When someone told me I looked like a skater, I decided to buy a skateboard. When I was told that my career was supposed to look like such and such, I took them at their word. Never wondered if it was what I truly wanted. 

Which inevitably led me to many years of angst, filled with feelings of dissatisfaction. I tried my best to ignore them for the longest time. After all, ignoring things was one of my go-to “solutions.” But you can only ignore a problem this immense for so long. Eventually I started to question my worth and wonder what the meaning of life was. Was I meant to work at the same dead end job for thirty plus years? What was my ceiling? Where did I belong in life? All of this caused me to spiral into my self-doubt. An existential crisis if ever there was one. Little did I know that thus began the cycle. My existential crisis would lead to therapy which would lead to healing which would lead to restored confidence which would lead to raised expectations which would lead back to disappointment and doubt. And it would rinse and repeat over and over and over.

How many times will I make the same mistakes until I learn the lessons I’m supposed to learn? How many times will I fall for the same traps? I know better than this. This was the whole reason why I had set up boundaries in the first place—so that the line wouldn’t be crossed unless I allowed it to be. The unfortunate truth is that not everyone cares about you in the way that you need them to. It doesn’t matter if they’re family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers or strangers. Everyone has a different view on life, so any advice or feedback is already tainted with someone else’s opinion. It’s up to you to discern whether or not what someone says to you is pertinent to your life. Some people might see your vision, many others will not. Loved ones might think they’re giving you what you need, but again you need to decide that on your own. 

Your confidence and motivation comes from within. You have to set and reset expectations. Keep pushing towards your goals. Keep your eye on the prize so to speak. You can’t let others dictate to you the timeline—the biggest mistake that I was making. You can’t let others tell you you’re going too fast or too slow. Speed is not what matters, quality is. If you’re putting in the time and the effort to constantly improve and progress, things will come together for you eventually. It’s a question of when not if. Unfortunately, the question of when cannot be answered. You need to have faith that it will happen, and have confidence that you’re capable of this. You hope for success but you do not expect it. Stay humble enough to transition to Plan B if necessary. Things might not work out exactly how you envision, but it doesn’t mean you give up. You just keep pushing and striving for better. Put your head down and tune out the noise. There will be naysayers and haters. They might even be closer to you than you imagined. But all of that only serves as a distraction. Confidence can be lost, but it can also be gained. You just need to find your focus and maintain it.

Art, Brokenness, Changing, Discovery, Growth, Healing, Mindfulness, Poetry

Voices

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Sometimes it’s hard for me to tune out the voices in my head
The ones that tell me that I’m not good enough
That I wasn’t built for this
That I can’t do shit
That this wasn’t meant to last

As the days go by the voices get louder
Telling me that I’m worthless
Telling me that I can’t soldier on
That I should just give up
“You’re nothing. You always were and you always will be”

You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough

But I won’t let them win
I can’t, I refuse, I’m stronger than this
I’ve fallen down time after time
But I picked myself up every time
Why would that change?

I am who I am
I’m not who they say I am
My worth is determined by what I do
Not what they say that I can do
I won’t let anyone devalue my worth
I won’t let the voices win

This is who I am
Take it or leave it
This is what I’m going to do
My focus is determined
I might win or lose, but I’ll do it my way

Ain’t nobody stopping me
Ain’t nobody telling me that I’m not worth shit
Ain’t nobody telling me what I can and cannot do
I’ll prove you wrong
Again and again

I am strong
I am strong
I am strong

Changing, Discovery, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Great Expectations

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I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. I never really have (aside from a handful of times). Truth be told “resolution” is a word that I’m not too fond of to begin with. It’s too definite and suffocating. It’s a results-driven word that sets up a pass/fail scenario. Did I see my resolutions through to the end? If yes, then I succeeded. If no, then I didn’t. For some, it’s not a huge deal. They might say, “oh well, I’ll try again next year.” Or use some other justification. But for someone who overthinks as much as I do, and used to struggle with self-confidence the way I did it could instead be quite damning. The prospect of failure was too much for me to bear.

Before I started seeing a therapist, I had a tendency to spiral. I’d replay scenarios in my head, wallow in self-pity, and I took failure personally. Every time something didn’t go as planned or ended in a negative result my confidence meter took a hit. As I’ve said before, I was not well-equipped to handle adversity, had no self-awareness, didn’t have an ounce of mental fortitude. When times got tough I withered. When the pressure was on I came up small. When misfortune hit everything cratered. So for me, a failed resolution became another reason for why I didn’t deserve to live. I took it as proof that I was worthless, and would always amount to nothing. 

So why bother making them if I was certain they would fail? Why risk it when disappointment was likely inevitable? Not a healthy train of thought in the slightest, but I was not a healthy person. As you know, in the past few years I’ve found my healing. I’ve changed and I’ve grown. I’m not the same scared kid that I used to be. I’m not the same person that used to break easily. I’m not the same guy that looked for excuses not to try. But as much as I’ve changed, a few things still remain. I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, and I probably never will. Perhaps deep down I’m still worried about the pain that failure might cause? Perhaps not. 

Either way, the tradition is results-driven, and as you’ve probably noticed by now I am much more process-driven. I hold myself to a certain standard and I’ll settle for nothing less. I’ve lucked into positive results in the past, but was never able to sustain the success, because I hadn’t set myself up for the future. In order to get repeated good results, you need to firm up your process. It’s hard to do that if you’re not meeting the standard. If I’m being honest, that type of outcome—success without meeting the standard—is futile to me. If the changes I make aren’t permanent, then it’s wasted effort. Everything I do henceforth would be done in hopes that I would hit the mark without knowing how I actually did it the first time. Which is only wasting time. Think of it like an experiment. You write out the steps you need to take in order to get the results that you want. If there’s a mistake in your process, you tinker then try again. And again and again and again. That’s how you learn and grow and improve. By finding out what works and what doesn’t work, and changing your process accordingly.

This is exactly what I lacked when I was in high school—the ability to adapt. I didn’t have a process whatsoever, let alone a sound one. But I still expected success to come of it. I still expected things to work out in my favor, meanwhile ignoring the fact that I had done nothing to ensure such results. You can’t get good grades unless you study the material. You can’t get a girlfriend unless you develop some sort of connection first. You can’t find success unless you put in the work. Sounds obvious, but it wasn’t to me. For whatever reason, I had thought I was a special case. I thought I could get positive results without putting in much effort. In truth, I think at times I was just too smart for my own good. Elementary school came easy to me, so I continued to expect more of the same. I should’ve known that eventually it would catch up to me. But I remained blissfully ignorant and unaware until it was too late.

By that point, I was in college, and in way over my head. Throughout Junior High and High School I had put in the minimum level of effort required to come away with mostly B’s, some A’s, and a handful of C’s. Which was acceptable to me, but beneath my level of care. I kept asking myself, “why put in all that effort if I can do less and still come away with adequate results?” I thought I was being smart, but little did I know that this was always going to come back to bite me. I approached my college courses with the same level of inattention, and I suffered the consequences for it—coming away with the first and last D I ever received. Which nearly ruined my college career right when I had just begun. But I put my head down and got serious, because what else could I do? I needed to right the ship immediately.

After some steady effort for the next three and a half years, I was able to bring my GPA back up to something respectable. But what could’ve been? How different would my life have turned out if I’d actually tried? What if I hadn’t talked myself into accepting a life of mediocrity? What if I had worked diligently the whole time, rather than only for the last handful of years? What if I had been as determined then as I am now? Unfortunately, these are not questions that we will ever get the answers to. Who I was then is not who I am now. I wasn’t someone capable of pushing through adversity. I was weak-willed, a quitter—someone who always took the easy way out. Someone who was used to running away or hiding. Someone who was pampered and sheltered. Someone who never took responsibility or held himself accountable. I thought that all mistakes could be covered up, and that I could lie and weasel my way out of the consequences. I lacked the self-awareness necessary to realize that I wasn’t fooling anyone.

And yet, I somehow lucked my way into mild success. Again, nothing sustainable because I didn’t have a sound process, but it was better than what I’d experienced up til then. For the first time in twenty-four years I was content. But the contentedness was fleeting. As I gained more responsibility at my job, the work became less fulfilling. And the little confidence I had gained whittled away again, and I was left with even less than I’d started with. Little did I know, but I wasn’t meant for the corporate world. I had only entered into it because, like always, I had taken the easy way out. When I left high school I didn’t have a plan—I hadn’t spent much time thinking about my future. Which is fine for someone of that age. It’s perfectly acceptable to start college with “undecided” for a major. But the thought had never crossed my mind. Instead, I pursued one of the career paths that I thought would be acceptable to my parents. I didn’t have the grades or the patience for a STEM major, so I studied Business instead.

But that was never my interest or who I was. It wasn’t what I was meant to do. I wasn’t a marketing analyst like I had thought. I wasn’t a salesman like my employer had told me. I wasn’t even a customer service representative even though I was good at it. I’m a writer and a storyteller. A creative and an artist. I was meant to craft sentences and build worlds. I was meant to wordplay. That is what I am and that is who I will be. I’ve learned a lot since I dedicated myself to this blog in 2020. It’s been a long journey with many twists and turns. Up until last year I was learning on the job, getting better incrementally but not getting good enough or progressing fast enough. That much changed when I found a writing community. I started to receive the feedback that I needed to hear in order for me to level up my ability. The year 2023 was a blessing, and I’m looking forward to seeing what 2024 can do for me.

So as the calendar crosses over, what am I hoping to accomplish? What am I expecting from the new year? As I said, I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. But I will set expectations. I expect to continue to improve as a writer and a storyteller each and every day. I expect to be able to write free of hindrance—no longer will I question whether or not I’m good enough. I expect my words to flow easier than they did before. I expect my story to be more coherent. I expect to continue to foster relationships with other aspiring authors. I expect to continue to learn from both the good and bad in life. I expect to become a better person this year than I was last year. But most of all, I expect abundance, growth, and blessings. Something good will come of your life if you only continue to work.

Art, Changing, Family, Growth, Healing, Loss, Mindfulness, Poetry, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Better On My Own

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We used to be close
But we’ve grown apart
We used to be aligned
But now we are not
We were on convergent paths
But now I’ve changed
A part of me wishes that we were still the same
But that is never to be, never again
We are different you and I
Only meant to intersect, not to intertwine
I mourned what we lost a long time ago
I’m over it now, we can’t go back
I’m only moving forwards
Only moving onwards
I never meant to leave you behind
But that’s just the way it goes
My top priority these days is continuous growth
You had your chance to grow alongside me
You had your chance to help me through
We tried it your way
Now we’ll try it mine
Your intentions were the only thing you ever had in mind
But intention is not reality
What you thought would work didn’t
I don’t blame you though, for how would we have known?
We could’ve worked through it together
Tried something else, made up a new gameplan
But you thought you knew best
Weren’t gonna rest
Until you molded and shaped my life to fit your vision
But that was never what was intended
I had always been built different
Always meant for something else
For a long time I didn’t know what it was
But now it’s revealed itself
I won’t settle for anything less
Everything is a failure if it isn’t my best
I’ll put my all into this endeavor
Do everything in my power to live the life I deserve
Work harder for my goals than I’ve ever worked before
This is my life purpose, through hard work I deserve this
The only way I’ll live the life I want to live is with effort
I’m sure you know this
But you still found the chance to bring me down
Still felt the need to rein me back
We’re not the same as we used to be
We used to be close
But we’ve grown apart
We used to be aligned
But now we are not
We tried it your way
Now we’ll try it mine
I don’t need you anymore
You’ve outgrown your use
We had our chance to grow together
We could’ve tried to work through
But we’ve went in separate ways
And I don’t need you
I’m better on my own
Better without you
Better on my own
No longer subject to your abuse
Better on my own
I’m capable of doing this alone
I didn’t wanna leave you behind
But it’s clear that I have to
You’re the one holding me back
I’m sorry, it’s time to axe you

Art, Growth, Healing, Hope, Mindfulness, Poetry

Lend Your Ear

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Everyone always seems to have an opinion
Thinking that what they have to say matters most
Putting in their two cents when nobody asked
Whatever happened to lending an ear, to listening?
Whatever happened to speaking only when necessary?
Why is there a need to fill the void?
Why are words spoken when nothing need be said?

The silence can be deafening
But it can also be tranquil, full of peace
A reprieve from the fake news cycle
A brief moment of reflection and contemplation
A moment of silence where we can be together
Soak in each other’s presence and be at peace
You didn’t ask for my opinion, you didn’t ask me to speak
All you needed was an ear to hear
All you needed was for me to be there

So that is what I’ll give
If there’s more I can do, you’ll let me know
But I won’t make this about myself
I won’t say, “don’t worry. I’ve been there before.”
I won’t say, “I know your pain.”
I won’t equate my situation with yours

For even though there may be similarities
Our stories are not the same
Each one is unique
Each individual has different tools 
Each individual walks a different path
We have our similarities and our differences 
We can leave it at that

I will be there to comfort those who are hurting
I will be there to show that I care
I will listen first, and speak later
Because all I need to do is show that I’m there

The silence can be deafening, but no words need be spoken
I won’t fill the air with noise if you’re feeling broken
I will listen first, and embrace you afterwards
I will speak if necessary but I won’t prattle without a care
You know that I’ll be there
I’m always there to listen
Always willing to lend an ear

The silence may be deafening
But it’s better than words thrown around without care
Sometimes all you need is a shoulder to cry on
An ear to hear
Opinions don’t matter when all you need is care
So shut up and listen
Don’t feel the need to fill the air
Listen first and just be there
Lend your ear and go from there