Category Archives: Healing

Brokenness, Changing, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Toxic Humanity

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I have to admit, I was probably not the most pleasant person to be around when I was younger. I’ve said before that who I am now is not entirely compatible with who I used to be. We would not have gotten along. A lot of it was because I lacked self-awareness. But I was also self-involved and self-absorbed. I was so caught up in my own issues that I didn’t pay much attention to the world around me. I regret that but it’s not something that I can change. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and do better in the future. 

Everyone’s life journey has its ups and downs. Each playing out with its own rhythm and timing. That being said, for a while I had a hard time coping with the changes that life threw at me, which has been well-documented. Puberty was not a great time for me, but what came after was even worse. Little did I know, but the coping mechanisms I had developed over the years did not actually work. As with most everything else, I learned that the hard way. What can I say? Someone who is as hardheaded as I was needs to see things go to shit firsthand before they’re willing to change their behaviors and tendencies.

But even after I realized that things weren’t working I didn’t really know what to do differently. I didn’t know how to fix everything that was broken. In truth, I wouldn’t have been able to fix it on my own—I know that now—but I pretended like things were fine and that I had the answers. It was easy for me to bottle everything up inside, and try to ignore all my negative emotions. It was easy for me to let bad behavior slide, and let myself be mistreated and manipulated. I let people walk all over me because I didn’t really know how to say no back then or how to put up boundaries or how to stand up for myself. I felt helpless, like my life was out of my control. It wasn’t a good feeling, and it wasn’t something I let go of easily.

I internalized all of the negative things that happened to me, even if I didn’t deal with the emotion head-on. I just suppressed it, and kept it with me. I held grudges and I kept receipts. Sometimes I acted out of pettiness, but mostly I suffered in silence due to my passive nature. It wasn’t actually a solution, but it felt like one. And I was content to let things play out around me. I had accepted my station in life, thinking that I wasn’t capable of changing it. I carried this mentality into adulthood, and while the consequences weren’t immediately visible, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t exist.

Another lesson I learned the hard way—ignoring your issues doesn’t make them go away. In fact, they actually get worse. Each year as my birthday came and went, I buried my pain and trauma even deeper. And the longer I ignored them, the worse my issues got. Even though I was a year older, it didn’t mean that I became a year wiser. Rather, it meant another year of bad habits and faulty coping mechanisms. It meant another year stuck in my ways. Another year of pretending. Another year of lying to myself. Another year of convincing myself that what I wanted didn’t matter. I had the worst of both worlds: I was self-absorbed, but I also didn’t prioritize my needs.

How is this possible, you wonder? Depression, anxiety, and toxic behavior. The first two we’ve covered in depth. This is a mental health blog after all, so it’d be a problem if we hadn’t! My fight against depression and anxiety has been a lifelong struggle for me—that’s old news. But even after finding healing in therapy, this is something I have to deal with every single day. It’s easy to fall back into old ways, old habits, and old mindsets if you don’t stay vigilant. I’ve conquered my demons, but it doesn’t mean that they simply go away. They stay with me forever, but the scars remind me of the decisions I have to continue to make. I need to take what I learned and apply it and reapply it constantly. If I don’t, then all that work was for naught. 

I might have hours, days, or weeks when I’m in a melancholy state. But I can’t let that snowball into something bigger. I can’t let that become permanent, not again. I won’t let myself relapse, I can’t. I refuse to give in, and let my demons win. The changes I’ve made are too valuable to let them go to waste. I’ve worked too hard to allow things to go back to the sorry state they were in. I might find myself in a funk at times, but I also must find my way back. I have to dig my way out, but I don’t want to dig myself deeper. That’s the biggest difference between who I was then and who I am now. 

Everything I did back then only did more harm than good, driving me deeper into my depression. My aforementioned coping mechanisms consisted of ignoring things, pretending that problems didn’t exist, and letting things slide. I neither fixed issues nor addressed them directly. Instead I put them off for future me to deal with. Seems fine for a time, but one day you will reach your breaking point and you will have to pay the piper. If you don’t deal with issues as they arise you will explode when the time comes. It’s better to blow off some steam a bit at a time than to try to tackle everything all at once. Of course, doing that will lead to some upfront adversity and you’ll have tough decisions/conversations to make, but it’s better for you in the long run.

Unfortunately for people like us who are suffering through various mental illnesses, this coping method isn’t always that obvious of an answer. That would make it too easy. We’re more inclined to keep our emotions pent up than we are to wear them on our sleeves. We’re afraid of confrontation. We’re afraid of disappointing or upsetting others. We’re afraid of being vulnerable. We don’t want to bring others down with our sadness. We don’t think they will understand. We don’t want to relive our pain. We don’t want to be a burden. We don’t want to feel helpless. We don’t want to seem useless. Our concerns are valid, but where do they stem from?

The answer most likely varies for each individual. For me, all of my issues could be traced back to my lack of confidence. Up until twelve or thirteen I lived a relatively happy life. I had friends at school and at church. My grades were great for a while. But then in sixth grade, I got my first C, and there were two harrowing incidents where I was accused of something that I didn’t do. The following year, I had a hands-off math teacher that didn’t explain the material well. And I was too shy to ask for help, so naturally, I struggled. These experiences, coupled with others along the way started to sap my confidence. And once that happened, it sent me in a tailspin that I wasn’t able to recover from.

It would be easy to place absolute blame on my teachers for my diminishing confidence. Educators need to have a certain amount of tact, understanding, and compassion when dealing with elementary school kids and pre-teens. It’s clear to me that a number of my teachers were lacking in those regards. But blaming them would absolve me of any responsibility or accountability, which as I stated a few posts ago is something that I’m no longer willing to do. Sure, maybe things would’ve played out differently if I’d had better teachers, but things might’ve also played out differently if I had reacted better or if I had adopted a more optimistic outlook. Everybody and everything played a part in the way that I turned out, self-included. Each factor may have differed in size or importance but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t have an effect. 

The cumulative result was that I struggled in school, in creating and maintaining friendships, and I was woefully incompetent at finding love and acceptance. I didn’t know what I was doing, although I liked to pretend that I did. It looked like pigheadedness at the time, but now that I’m older, I think that it was likely more nuanced than that. It was part of a defense mechanism that I had inadvertently constructed. Outwardly I wanted to appear capable and confident, because inwardly I had started to buy into the doubt. I started to believe that I wasn’t smart, that I was a good-for-nothing, that I wasn’t going to get very far in life. To me, my lack of success in all facets of life was proof that I was always going to be a failure.

Really though, what exactly was I expecting? I was a teenager struggling to figure out his purpose in life—no different than any other American youth at that age. Rarely does someone that young know what the fuck they wanna do. High school and college are there to help you find who you are, and to figure out your calling. You’re supposed to make your mistakes then, so that you’re better informed for the future. Everybody makes mistakes, because no one is perfect. I know people say that all the time, but for whatever reason, this is something that young me didn’t internalize. Part of that can be attributed to the perfectionist within, but again it would be disingenuous to leave it at that. 

What it came down to was having a toxic mindset. I didn’t deal with things in a healthy way. I didn’t allow myself to make mistakes or be imperfect. I wasn’t accepting of my quirks and intricacies, and I didn’t love myself for who I was. I tried not to show emotion because in my mind anger and sadness were bad, and happiness and joy were fleeting. I downplayed my strengths, and I refused to acknowledge my weaknesses. I didn’t know what I was doing but I also didn’t heed outside advice. I convinced myself that I needed to have all the answers otherwise I was worthless. I lacked ambition and drive because I had no direction. I rarely told adults what career path I wanted to follow, in part because I genuinely didn’t know. But the rare instances when I felt confident enough to share, I was shot down quickly. A less sensitive kid might’ve shrugged this off, and been like, “fuck you. I’m going to do what I want to do.”

But of course, that wasn’t me. That wasn’t how I was wired. This would’ve contradicted my passive, anti-confrontational nature. So instead of reacting, I clammed up and I stayed quiet. I built up walls and distanced myself from everyone. I pretended like it didn’t affect me, knowing full well that it bothered me immensely. My rejections and failures were the only things I ever thought about. I never thought about how I could fix things, what I could do better, or what I was good at. Each day I wallowed in self-pity, trapped in my pit of despair. I told myself things like, “you can’t do this,” or “you’re not meant for that,” or “see? I told you you’re dumb.” I know now that this mental self-flagellation only made my depression harder to deal with. I didn’t want to feel this way, but it was what I was most familiar with.

So the cycle repeated. Each time I experienced rejection I took it personally, but I didn’t say or do anything to address it. Every time someone told me I couldn’t do something or that I wasn’t capable, I believed them. Every time someone shat on my dreams, I took it as a sign that my aspirations weren’t rational or attainable. Each time something ended poorly, I took it as confirmation of the lies I told myself. Before long I stopped believing in myself. And when that happened, my dreams began to die. I stopped thinking of what I wanted to do, and I started thinking about what I thought my parents wanted me to do, or what I thought my peers expected of me. I was only just projecting onto others.

That’s besides the point though. Either way I was telling myself that I don’t matter. That my needs weren’t important. That my dreams were delusional. Over time, I began to believe it. And everything that made me me became more and more suppressed. Before I knew it I had lost sight of who I was. I was a shell of a person, just going through the motions. Living out the life that I thought I was supposed to live. There was no passion or fire, just sadness and loneliness. And all this because I had grown used to bottling everything up, and suffering in silence.

Things may have turned out differently if I’d had a less toxic mindset. If I had been more vocal. If I hadn’t let things slide. If I had known how to establish boundaries. But I also wouldn’t be who I am today without my adversity. I wouldn’t have found my strength without seeing my weakness. I wouldn’t have found my passion if I didn’t first try living out the life I thought I was supposed to live. I wouldn’t have found what I was good at without my past failures. I wouldn’t have found happiness without healing. But I wouldn’t have needed healing if I wasn’t broken.

Depression hurts and it sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. But through it I found who I am. And without my experiences, I wouldn’t be able to share the insight I have today. It is tough, but you will get through it, because you are strong and intelligent and capable. You are worthy of praise, and your life is worth living. But first you have to admit to yourself that you don’t have all the answers. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Don’t be afraid to speak up. Just don’t keep everything bottled in. It’ll be hard at first—old habits die hard—but it’ll be better for you in the end.

Changing, Discovery, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Music, Reflections, religion, Wellness

Quitting Time

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A legacy is a beautiful thing. You put all your time, effort, and money into an endeavor and now you have something to show for it. You’ve left something behind that you and your loved ones can be proud of. You’ve left behind a story to inspire, encourage, and push others to greater heights. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be remembered for decades or centuries after you leave this earth? Your body may cease to exist, but your spirit will live on. How crazy is that? 

What? You thought I was done talking about this? I’m only just getting started. You must know by now that I speak what’s on my mind, and this is something that I’ve continued to think about, even after taking a week-long vacation. Not that long ago, I didn’t feel like I had all that much that I would leave behind. I didn’t think I had much to give or anything to offer. And I don’t think I was wrong. I felt like I was useless and a waste of space, because I kinda was. What exactly did I contribute to the world around me? 

Let’s take a look. As I’ve discussed before, one of the things I struggled with as a youth was getting out of my own way. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Self-sabotage? I knew all about that! I didn’t engage in overtly destructive behavior, but I did suffer through emotional and mental self-harm, which proved equally as damaging. I was held back by fear, anxiety, and depression, but pinning my issues solely on those three things absolved me of responsibility. Shifting the blame towards my mental illnesses and away from myself let me off the hook. I had zero accountability back then, and that was just the way I wanted it. It was easier then to pretend like I was being railroaded. That I didn’t have any say in my life trajectory. That I didn’t have any control over how the story played out.

I wanted things easy, thinking that blessings would come without hard work. I believed that fate and divine intervention would determine the way that my life went. I didn’t need to work hard because as long as I followed God, good things would happen. I expected to see blessings in life that I hadn’t worked for. I looked forward to living a fruitful and abundant life without having to do anything at all. I thought I could coast, and things would come together. Turns out that’s not how life works at all. You have to toil endlessly for the things that you want. You aren’t just going to be handed everything on a silver platter (unless you’re rich and/or spoiled). And opportunities aren’t just going to fling themselves at your doorstep. 

If you want to be blessed, you have to do your part. You can’t expect to reap a bountiful harvest if you haven’t sown the seed. You can’t get by on talent and luck alone. Effort is needed. As simple as that seems logically, it’s not something I grasped when I was younger. Unfortunately, I was quite misguided back then, which severely hindered my ability to grow as a human being. Part of this was my fault—I was slow to make changes in my life due to my stubbornness, amongst other things. Part of it was because I was plagued by delusional thoughts, prime example being my belief that the Rapture was imminent. And part of it was because I had misinterpreted some things that I had learned at church. 

The foremost being the concept of predestination. Throughout my teenage years I was taught that God is omniscient and omnipotent. I don’t dispute either of those things. As such, if I believe that He is omniscient, then logically I must also believe that my life is predestined for me. I don’t deny that either, but I’m not here to argue about the veracity of that concept. Whether or not there’s any truth to it doesn’t actually matter. You still need to do your part regardless. You still have a role to play. You still need to make the most of your God-given talents. Your effort still factors into the equation. You’ve been given the tools, but you need to make it happen.

It’s no wonder then that I didn’t find satisfaction in life, or even know what I was looking for. How could I if I wasn’t giving maximum effort? I half-assed everything, hoping that things would fall into place. I adopted a nonchalant attitude where if things went wrong it was no skin off my back—I hadn’t wasted my effort because I didn’t put any in. I didn’t disappoint myself because my expectations were low. I didn’t fear failure because I didn’t believe I would succeed. But that is precisely the wrong mentality to have. You can only coast for so long. Doing the same ole thing, living the same ordinary life gets tiresome after a while. You start asking yourself, “is this it? Is there more to life than this?” 

For a long time I thought the answer to the second question was a resounding no. I had settled on mediocrity, thinking that I wasn’t deserving of anything better. I had resigned myself to the “fact” that I was meant to live this dead end life and work at the same dead end job. I had convinced myself that good enough was all I was capable of—even if I wanted to be happy I didn’t think it was something that I had earned. I was determined to live out the script that life had dictated for me, thinking that it was out of my control…

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Life isn’t a script. I wasn’t being railroaded. I wasn’t dealt a bad hand. I just wasn’t doing my part, simple as that. I wasn’t making the most of my opportunities. I wasn’t taking advantage of my natural gifts. I wasn’t reaping blessings in life because I hadn’t put the work in. Instead of positioning myself for success, I was essentially sitting back and praying for a miracle. And while miracles do happen on occasion, is it not better to put in the effort to work for the life you desire? 

There are no handouts in life. There is no free lunch. Things are rarely ever going to come easy. The best things in life require blood, sweat, and tears. In order to live the life you think you deserve, you need to put in the time and the effort. You can’t expect things to come together on their own. That is never going to happen, so you’ll be left waiting for years or decades—valuable time that’s going to be wasted. I wasted enough of that in my youth, and I refuse to keep doing so. 

When the going gets tough you don’t quit, you put your head down and you work harder. In times of adversity you don’t run and hide, you deal with it head-on. You don’t pay too much attention to the hate & the criticism or the love & the support (easier said than done). Both prove to be a distraction. The former makes you second guess your worth and saps away at your confidence. The latter puts you at risk of inflating your ego, and thus gives you an excuse to ignore that which needs fixing. Keep a level head so that you have a more realistic and rational outlook. But more importantly, be confident in your ability. You know your worth and only you can dictate it.

Making these changes is a sign of your growth and maturity. But it takes labor & toil. Sweat & tears. You need to be intentional about becoming better at what you do incrementally. You aren’t going to become a superstar overnight. You need to put the work in to get the life that you want. You only get what you give. In order to get to the top, you must do everything in your power to show the world the best version of yourself every day. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone else, but you have to prove to yourself that you are more than capable. A necessary step in that journey is holding yourself accountable.

There is no meaningful growth without accountability. Be willing to make mistakes. Be willing to admit when you’re wrong. Be willing to accept that you have flaws and might not have all the answers. Be willing to learn and be willing to grow. Willing to evolve and to try new things. But most importantly, remind yourself everyday that sometimes you will need to keep your head down and your eyes focused in order to put in the work that is needed. 

A couple months ago I had the opportunity to see Dead & Co live on their farewell tour. I have a feeling that we haven’t seen the last of Bob Weir or Mickey Hart yet, but man, what a legacy they’ve already left behind. A rich culture and a fervent following. The Grateful Dead have not existed or made music in nearly thirty years, but they’re still as iconic as ever. I can’t think of too many bands that have a more passionate fanbase. Deadheads old and new come together, united by the music. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been following them for almost sixty years or barely two. 

In fact, just the other week, I ran into a Deadhead while I was on vacation. I was camping upstate and happened to be wearing a Dead & Co shirt. One morning, after I brushed my teeth, I bumped into an old man as I was exiting the bathroom. I had seen him before around the campground, and he had that look. Ya know, the long hair, bushy white beard, the hippie vibe. I wondered if he was a Deadhead, and lo & behold we had a conversation once he got a good look at my shirt. Didn’t matter that I was a thirty-something-year-old Asian-American kid or that he was a seventy-something Southern gentleman. We were united by the music. 

Early next year, in January, my girlfriend and I will see Aerosmith on their Peace Out tour. Another iconic band that’s been around for more than fifty years. They’ve been going strong this whole time and are still selling out stadiums. Their songs are featured everywhere, from car commercials to sporting events to Hollywood blockbuster soundtracks. These two bands aren’t the only classic rock bands that are calling it quits this year and next. They’re just one of many—KISS and the Eagles to name a few. It’s bittersweet knowing that it’s quitting time for these music stalwarts. But their longevity in the game speaks to what they’ve left behind as part of their legacy. 

I’ve been to many a concert and music festival, but so far nearly nothing compares to the double set that Dead & Co played on June 22nd. This was my first experience with “old guy music,” but it certainly won’t be my last. Selfishly, I’m a little sad and disappointed that these old-timers are calling it quits considering I only just got into classic rock a few years ago. But I’m also happy and excited for them that they get to clock out on top. Their songs have been featured for fifty plus years, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were featured for fifty more. It might be time for them to retire, but that doesn’t mean that the music dies. Their legacy lives on through the airwaves. And we will remember the good times, body and soul.

So I ask again, what kind of legacy do I want to leave behind? Do I want to be remembered as one of the greatest, or do I want to be forgotten as quickly as the dew on a morning lawn? Thinking about it now may seem premature, but it matters. If I want to be remembered and not forgotten, then I have to do my part. The good things in life require your blood, sweat, and tears. Work hard and the good will follow. Be better in everything you do. The newest version of yourself should be the best version of yourself. If you keep putting in the time and the effort, eventually you’ll be rewarded. If you do your part, you’ll live the life you deserve. But you don’t deserve a thing if you haven’t done the work.

Art, Changing, Discovery, Growth, Healing, Mindfulness, Peace, Poetry, Wellness

Specks of Color

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I’ve been hurt too many times before
Given guidance that was misguided
I was told right from wrong
Been told what was good and what was evil
My worldview was in black and white
There’d never been any room for grey
I was told that there’s one way to live
Either you follow or you don’t

But as I’ve gotten older
I’ve begun to see that life is nuanced and complex
There’s more to life than obedience and commands
It’s more than just following the rules
There’s beauty in life, but you have to seek it out
Shades of grey, and specks of color
A vibrance to life that the institution tried its best to cover

I lived a life without any life
Eked out an existence without any exuberance
I lived because I had to, not because I wanted to
Each day was as monotonous as the last
I was stuck in a rut, forever & a day
A hamster on a wheel
Just a cog on the spoke of life
Having life dictated to me
Following a script

I didn’t know any better
Had been told that decent was good enough
But I had settled for mediocre
Convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of something better
I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t talented enough, this & that
The lies I told myself were excuses not to live
The excuses I gave were “reason” enough not to give

But I know better
I’ve grown and matured
I see now that life is full of vibrance
Shades of grey, and specks of color
There’s more to life than just living

You have plenty to offer, you have much more to give
You were put here for a reason
Each human has a part to play
You find your shades of grey, you find your specks of color
You find your niche in life, and you find what drives you forward
All things will come to an end, but your life is far from over
Shades of grey, and living color
The vibrance of life has been gifted to you
The peace and comfort will guide you through 

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Does It Even Matter?

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“Does it even matter?” That’s a question I find myself asking every so often. Is what I’m doing meaningful? Am I even making a difference? As I’ve said before, I was quite naive when I quit my day job last year. I had quit without fully understanding what I was getting myself into. I think it’s safe to say that things have not exactly played out according to my expectations. Over time, my expectations have changed and I’d like to believe that they’ve become more realistic and more attainable. But the shadow of doubt still manages to peek in at times.

I wish someone had told me that this is all a part of the process. Just as there are good times and bad times in life, there are good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks in your writing. I learned that maybe half a year ago, but that doesn’t mean that the tough times aren’t still tough. There are days and weeks when I don’t feel productive. When I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, or that I can’t write. There are weeks when I feel uninspired. Weeks when I feel like my work is useless and pointless. Some days I don’t feel like reining myself back in; I don’t feel like taking the time to recenter and refocus. Eventually though, I find my way back. Usually it takes a day or two away from my work in order to find my motivation again. At the end of the day, I write for me. Does my writing make me feel fulfilled and happy? Is what I’m writing important to me? If yes, then it serves it’s primary purpose.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t still seek affirmation. It’s a part of human nature and not that easy to completely disregard. Everyone wants to know that they’re on the right track. Wants to be recognized and appreciated for the work that they do. Especially so in artistry, when the framework for “success” isn’t as well-defined. You know what you have to do in order to get to where you want to be, but it’s not that easy for others to understand what that entails. We’re not given an expectation for the amount of cold calls we have to make in a day, or the number of sales. We’re not given parameters for the experiment we’re about to conduct. We set our own goals and milestones. Unfortunately, that is a bit of a double-edged sword. We know what we’re looking for, but oftentimes that doesn’t translate externally.

This has become a source of tension for me at times when I’m lacking focus and motivation. In moments when you’re not producing, it becomes easy to buy into the doubt. When the results don’t meet your expectations it’s easy for your belief in yourself to waver. Something that I have to remind myself often is that I’m on my way there. My toil was never going to pay off right away, that was not the plan nor the expectation. It was going to take time, I knew that full well. But I lose sight of that sometimes. Sue me, I’m only human.

When I first started this blog, I was using it as a way of practicing writing. I wasn’t new to blogging—I had been doing it off and on for a while—but this was my first real foray into what I had considered actual writing. To me, everything that I had done beforehand didn’t count. Using Xanga as a kid wasn’t so much blogging as it was maintaining a basic webpage. Blogspot was just something that I checked out because I was curious, but didn’t spend much time on. Tumblr was an online display of the things that I liked. But WordPress? That to me was the only thing that was legit. In reality though, I was selling myself short. Everything that I did led me to this point. That being said, it still took me a long time to gain steam.

For the first two and a half years, I can count on one hand the amount of posts that I wrote—none of which I’m particularly proud of. In truth, I had forgotten that this page even existed… on more than one occasion. The writing only happened when I felt inspired or when an interesting premise came to mind. It came and went in spurts. I wasn’t practicing writing, I was binge writing. Not exactly a helpful method of learning how to write. It’s hard to improve in an area if you’re working on it infrequently. Every time I stopped writing I went back to zero; I had to start over. Each time I did this I missed out on an opportunity to pick up momentum. And really, momentum is one of the most crucial components when you’re trying to pick yourself up off the ground, especially if you’re, “working for yourself.”

It’s no different for a more standard career path. The way you move up the corporate ladder is to learn more, take on more responsibilities, broaden your skill set at every stop. You pick up momentum by gaining more experience. As you gain more experience, you open yourself up to better opportunities, and you work your way up. What that boils down to is building your brand. You might not own a company, or run a website, or sell a product, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a brand. You might work for “the man” but you also work for yourself. The landscape has changed significantly since our parents were younger. There’s not as much company loyalty as there used to be. So, we have to learn to grow and adapt, and that starts with learning how to market ourselves in meaningful ways.

Last month, this blog reached its ninth year of existence (shocker I know!), but only the last three and a half years have borne any fruit. I know there are several things I could’ve done with this, but I let opportunities go to waste. The unfortunate truth is that I neither felt confident in my writing nor my ability to market myself. So I didn’t really do either. My writing was done in silence and my blog existed in its own obscure part of the internet, neither living nor dying, just being. And that was fine for what it was for a time. But the time for that has run out. I can no longer hang back and let life play out around me. I can’t linger in the background hoping that I don’t get noticed. A change in life circumstances has dictated that. After all, this is what I had hoped for. This was what I had been aiming towards. If I don’t reach out for it now, when will I? I’m not one for making excuses—not anymore.

As I started to really grow as a writer after the new year, it became evident to me that I can’t just rely on one thing to get me to where I want to go. If I want to earn a living as a writer I need to have multiple outlets. I need to build a following. This much isn’t new to me—I’ve known this for a long time. But what was I doing about it? Not much for a while. The work I did in obscurity, however, was great for me. Like everyone always says, “I’m my own biggest critic,” and I stand by that statement. No one judges my writing harder than I do, and I’m never satisfied with where I’m at as a writer. There are always areas that could use improvement, and my strengths can always be made even stronger. Like I’ve said, I’m constantly tinkering and tweaking.

Progress and improvement never stop. Once you lose sight of that you open up the opportunity for stagnation. I know how slippery that slope is. So, I keep working, I keep trying to improve. And the best way to do that at first was to do everything quietly. Learning how to write without the fear of judgment. Without the added pressure of trying to appeal to others or garner traffic. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had confidence in my ability but it was a bit misplaced. My confidence level far outweighed my skill level. In truth, I was still learning how to be confident in everything I do—I had only developed real self-confidence a few years earlier. And that only came after therapy healed me of my brokenness. 

I was exploring how to write without knowing how. The God-given seed of talent had always been there but had never been given room to grow. I was too worried about how other people would perceive me (and my work) to spend any time actually writing. But once I did, I started learning and growing and improving. Practicing on my own, however, had its limits. I was only able to self-critique and self-edit myself so much. I needed input from others, whether that came directly or indirectly. There was only so much I could learn on my own. My naivety blinded me to that fact. So, by the time summer 2022 came and went I had passed through both a peak and a valley. I had reached the end of the line. I had gotten all that there was to take from it. I needed a good support system to take me higher.

That’s really what I’m all about. Reaching higher. Doing better. Working on my craft. Those are the things that matter the most. Those are the things that I can do something about. And thus, those are the things I should focus on. I need to get better, it doesn’t matter how I do it, doesn’t matter who or what I learn from. It needs to happen somehow, some way. I’m not too proud to ask for help or to try something new. The resources available to me are innumerable. I owe it to myself to explore my options. What can I do differently? What can I do better? As an adult, those are the questions I spend time worrying about. Not worrying about things that I can’t change. Or other people’s opinions of me. Or their perceptions. This was not something that I understood well when I was younger. Wondering about these things only led to inaction. Inaction, to me is worse than failure. It’s better to try and fail than to not try at all. It’s better to know for certain whether or not something is going to happen for you, than it is to sit and wonder. 

Sitting and wondering, however, is always easier to do. You can backtrack from the decisions you make in your daydreams. You can break promises. You can start over, and try again. You can make mistakes without facing any repercussions. You let your imagination run wild and let the story take you, but none of this is rooted in reality. Your fantasy is a place where you can run free and forget about life. There are no troubles, no worries, no stress. No consequences. Seems harmless right? But there is still an opportunity cost. The time you spent dreaming about your future could’ve been better spent working towards it.

The best things in life take time and effort. Which, like all things, are finite resources. But if you’re passionate about something, you will find the time for it. Sacrifices will need to be made—that’s just the way that life goes. If you work hard, and constantly improve, success will come to you. Your hard work will pay off in the end, but you need to stay focused on the task at hand. Your primary focus should be inward: what can I do to perfect my craft; what can I do to be a better person; what can I do to make a difference? You control what you can control, which is to say: what you do, what you say, how you act. You can’t force someone to be grateful. You can’t force someone to like you or to support your work. You can’t force a response from someone. Trying to do so is controlling and manipulative. 

Why worry about outside opinion? Do something that makes you happy. Pursue something that fulfills you. Make something that you’re proud of. Turn your attention to being the best you can be and the accolades will come. If you are great at what you do, sooner rather than later people will recognize your talent. This is as much a reminder for me as it is for you. It’s easy to lose focus when gratification doesn’t come quick—we’ve been conditioned to think that way. It’s easy to wonder if what you’re doing is meaningful, especially when traffic is slow or new followers are infrequent. But none of that matters if you aren’t working diligently at becoming the best that you can be. None of that matters if you’re not striving for greatness. None of that matters if you’re no longer passionate about what you do.

The goalposts will shift if your focus isn’t right. If your focus isn’t on continual growth you’re in for a lifetime of disappointment. If you’re not getting better every day the industry will pass you by, the competition will catch up with you. But that isn’t to say compare yourself to others. Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Compare who you are today with who you were yesterday. If you see growth, if you see improvement that’s all that matters. The recognition will come in time, you just have to do your part. Focus not on fame, fortune, or popularity. Focus not on gaining traffic or glowing reviews. Focus not on going viral or becoming internet famous. Focus instead of honing your craft. Put your head down and keep grinding. Believe in yourself first, and others will soon see. What you do is important if it matters to you. Others might not see it now, but they will see it in time.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

No Minutes Left to Spare

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“Time flies when you’re having fun,” so the saying goes. But I’m not so sure that this doesn’t just describe life in general. As children, each year felt like an eternity to us. That was to be expected. We hadn’t lived that long so we didn’t have a good gauge for the passage of time. Each day felt long because in comparison to what we had experienced it actually was a long time. But alas, those days are long gone. So as we get older the years start feeling shorter. Now that the years feel shorter, it seems that time moves too fast. Is there any way to slow it down?

If only… But life is finite. With a beginning and an end. No one lives forever, and no one can defeat death. The time will come for us some day. Will we make the most of it before it comes? That’s a question I ask myself all the time. Will I make an impact before I go? Will I leave a legacy behind? My body will rot and decay, but my legacy should live on for years or decades or centuries (hopefully). As the years go by, I find that my priorities have shifted. What used to be my focus, I find nowadays is something that I don’t care all that much about. I used to worry so much about the opinions of others, but as I’ve matured I find that the best way to change someone’s opinion of you is to give them reasons to think of you differently. 

However, despite whatever positive changes you are able to enact in your life, some people will still dislike you, some people will still be jealous of you. It’s inevitable. No one in the world will ever be universally loved—it’s a hopeless endeavor. That’s why it’s no longer my focus. I’m not trying to become more loved. I’m trying to become a better person. I want those around me to thrive because success breeds success. Seeing others being great motivates and inspires. Encouraging your loved ones to be the best that they can be keeps you locked in, helps you maintain your drive. There will be some in your life that will put their best efforts into tearing you down. Those aren’t people that you need, they’re destined to be miserable so long as they’re splitting their focus between watching/judging others and bettering themselves. 

Unfortunately, those haters aren’t always the easiest to ignore. But know that their barbs will help you develop thicker skin. Criticism hurts at first, but gets easier to bear as long as you keep honing your craft. The better you get at what you do, the less hate a shit talker is able to spew. Their arguments will soon lose weight, and you’ll be able to prove them wrong. Of course, proving someone wrong isn’t the goal, continuous growth and improvement is. In order to continue on, you need to stay focused. Easier said than done. But if you’re passionate about something you won’t have much trouble doing what it takes to pursue your dreams and aspirations doggedly. You will eventually find yourself reaching greater heights.

Success more often than not will not reveal itself immediately, but that doesn’t mean that your toil is pointless and isn’t going to pay off. You need to be patient. It takes concentrated time and effort to pick something up off the ground. It takes time for fruit to grow. You need to water and nurture the seed. You need to work for the best things in life. You look for blessings not miracles. The way I see it, blessings won’t be plentiful if you don’t do your part. In order to live an abundant life you have to work hard. It sounds simple but I wish it’s something I would’ve known earlier on in life. 

Unfortunately, it took a long time for me to grow up. I don’t think I was challenged enough as a kid, at least not in the right ways. School came easy to me, and that was the only thing that my parents really cared about. I was able to half-ass things and still get good results. I wasn’t forced to do extracurricular activities or find a job—my parents weren’t particularly hard on me. So I didn’t really need to face my adversity head-on. Running and hiding like I’d always done had always been an option for me. And that’s the path that I chose to take time after time. It was the easy way out. Which, as I’ve said before, provides short-term relief, but doesn’t resolve any issues. Everything was going to eventually catch up to me—lo and behold, that’s what happened once I reached high school. Half assing things no longer netted me A’s and B’s, instead I was getting B’s, C’s and the occasional D. I suspect that this sudden change in results played a role in how depression and anxiety were able to needle their way into my life. 

My sudden inability to achieve good results without hard work had sapped my confidence. But really, what had I been expecting to happen here? That I could coast for the rest of my life? I had been blessed with good luck up til then, I just didn’t realize it. I didn’t realize that luck and innate talent wasn’t always going to outweigh effort—in fact, more likely than not it’s the opposite. Arriving at this crossroads could’ve been the catalyst for significant change, but regrettably it wasn’t. I didn’t have the ability to motivate myself to put my all into everything I did. Instead of putting in my best effort to try to get the best results, I instead resolved myself to put in a little more effort in order to get passable results. Again, a short-term fix for a long-term issue. It’s no wonder that I had been trapped in a cycle of mediocrity for so many years after college. I had unknowingly set myself up for that, conditioning myself to accept average as a reasonable thing to strive for. That’s a pretty low bar to clear. Who aspires to be the world’s most average doctor, or athlete, or what have you? Like c’mon…

But what did I know? I was just a kid trying to find his way in the world, without the proper amount of guidance in certain areas. I had good parents, but like any other human, they had their weaknesses, made their mistakes, and were misguided in some ways. Well, we live and we learn. As I’ve said before, we’re all just figuring things out as we go along. And I can’t be upset about it, because no one’s really at fault. Oftentimes we fall into the trap of feeling the need to assign blame for everything that happens in our lives. But sometimes there’s no one to blame, and that’s perfectly okay. Life is random, and at times it unfolds in unexpected ways. That being said, I’m grateful for everything I’ve gone through—my triumphs and my failures, times that were easy and times that were tough, the right decisions and the wrong decisions. My life is a culmination of everything that has happened beforehand. I don’t regret anything that’s happened or the mistakes that I’ve made, because everything came with a lesson.

I do however, regret my inaction during moments that could’ve been monumental. I regret the passivity I displayed in letting life play out around me. I regret the period of time when I had stopped dreaming and aspiring. Occasionally, I find myself hoping that time would slow to make up for the years that I had lost. But you can’t change the past and you can’t slow time, so I’m left wondering, “what if?” What if I had not stopped dreaming? What if I had found my calling earlier? What if I had been happy as a teenager? What could I have done with my life instead of wasting a decade moping around and feeling sorry for myself?

It doesn’t hurt to wonder about these things, but it’s best not to dwell on them. You are who you are as a result of past experiences, good and bad. Your adversity and how you deal with it show the world your character. Without my struggles with depression and anxiety I wouldn’t be the same man. My circumstances are not unique to me, but the sequencing of my journey is. I might not’ve found my healing if I hadn’t gone through my hardships. I might not’ve realized that I needed to make an impact on those around me if I hadn’t spent so much time wasting my time and my talent. I might not’ve found what confidence looks like if I hadn’t struggled with self-image. Everything that happened in my life needed to happen in order for me to find my way.

Once you’ve found your footing, the next step is to move forward. To do better. To seek greatness. To be a blessing rather than a burden. What exactly that entails is up to individual interpretation. For me that means maximizing my potential, sharing what I’ve learned with others, giving back to the world, contributing knowledge or meaningful conversation. As I approach my 32nd birthday, I am no longer able to use my youth or my naivety as an excuse. I can’t just sit by in the background and let the world move around me. I need to add meaning and substance to it. I need to do my part, play my role in society. I feel that I have a duty to myself and to others to be a better person now than I was before. 

If onwards & upwards isn’t the goal, I don’t really know what to tell you. If you’re not growing, you’re either stagnating or you’re deteriorating. Neither of them are desirable to me. Stagnation feels comfortable for a time, but will eventually hinder your growth. Comfort is good but is a slippery slope that leads to apathy and inaction. That’s not a place I want to be ever again. I’ve already spent too much time there; I don’t have any minutes left to spare. I can’t make up for the time that I wasted, but I can make sure that I don’t waste anymore of it. I can’t change the past, but I can change the future. I can’t undo mistakes, but I can make sure I don’t repeat them. I’m not old, but I’m not getting any younger. I need to make the most of my opportunities, there’s no guarantee of more in the future. We might know what we want, but we don’t know what life has in store for us. Work hard and dream big. Never stop learning, never stop improving. A better life starts with a better you. There’s no time like the present to try to find what you’re looking for. There’s no onwards & upwards without moving forward.