Category Archives: Loss

Better On My Own

We used to be close
But we’ve grown apart
We used to be aligned
But now we are not
We were on convergent paths
But now I’ve changed
A part of me wishes that we were still the same
But that is never to be, never again
We are different you and I
Only meant to intersect, not to intertwine
I mourned what we lost a long time ago
I’m over it now, we can’t go back
I’m only moving forwards
Only moving onwards
I never meant to leave you behind
But that’s just the way it goes
My top priority these days is continuous growth
You had your chance to grow alongside me
You had your chance to help me through
We tried it your way
Now we’ll try it mine
Your intentions were the only thing you ever had in mind
But intention is not reality
What you thought would work didn’t
I don’t blame you though, for how would we have known?
We could’ve worked through it together
Tried something else, made up a new gameplan
But you thought you knew best
Weren’t gonna rest
Until you molded and shaped my life to fit your vision
But that was never what was intended
I had always been built different
Always meant for something else
For a long time I didn’t know what it was
But now it’s revealed itself
I won’t settle for anything less
Everything is a failure if it isn’t my best
I’ll put my all into this endeavor
Do everything in my power to live the life I deserve
Work harder for my goals than I’ve ever worked before
This is my life purpose, through hard work I deserve this
The only way I’ll live the life I want to live is with effort
I’m sure you know this
But you still found the chance to bring me down
Still felt the need to rein me back
We’re not the same as we used to be
We used to be close
But we’ve grown apart
We used to be aligned
But now we are not
We tried it your way
Now we’ll try it mine
I don’t need you anymore
You’ve outgrown your use
We had our chance to grow together
We could’ve tried to work through
But we’ve went in separate ways
And I don’t need you
I’m better on my own
Better without you
Better on my own
No longer subject to your abuse
Better on my own
I’m capable of doing this alone
I didn’t wanna leave you behind
But it’s clear that I have to
You’re the one holding me back
I’m sorry, it’s time to axe you

Dreamkiller

You never understood me, you never really tried
It’s fine though because I stopped lamenting it long ago
Always been the black sheep, always been misunderstood
Never gonna fit in, not fully
Never part of the family, not really
I’m fine with it, I really am

But the least you could do is have my back
The least you could do is try to care
Pretend that you supported me in my endeavors
You never gave me what I needed
Only gave me what you could spare
It was never what was right
And it was never good enough

You always were a dreamkiller
Never taking me seriously
Never thinking me capable
Never letting me grow into the man I was meant to be
Never letting me breathe, never letting me dream

You have a close-minded view of reality
Only accepting two ways to live
You told me I could either be A or B
But what if I wanted to be C?

I’ve always been different
I didn’t think that was hard to see
I marched to the beat of my own drum
Even as a kid, even when I was young

You never could relate, and I don’t blame you for that
But you never tried to understand
All you did was suppress and discourage
I can’t forgive you for that
You’re a dreamkiller, and a heartbreaker
Never let me pursue my passions
Never helped fuel my ambition

You only gave me what you wanted to give, never what I needed
Never understood that all I needed was just one person on my side
One person who pushed me to reach new heights
Just one person to tell me that I was good enough
One person to say, “I’m with you, whatever it takes.”
I didn’t think I was asking for much
But evidently, the bare minimum is expecting too much

I don’t need you to see it from my perspective
We don’t need to see eye to eye
You and I are different
Our paths will never realign

Coming to you was a mistake
This I should’ve learned
You never had my back before
Why would things be different now?
I knew better than to let you do this to me again
I knew better than to rely on you for anything
I tried to forget, I tried to forgive, I really did

You haven’t changed, not one bit
But I did
I’m not the same meek child I used to be
I’m no longer lost and uncertain
I’m forging my own path, making my own way
I know what I’m aiming for, I know where I’m headed
If you’re not going to support me, then get out of my way

I told you what I needed
I told you what I wanted
I told you what I expected from you
But it’s gone clean through
In one ear and out the other
It’s clear to me that you haven’t been listening
It’s clear to me that my voice hasn’t been heard

You just do what you always do
Control & manipulate
Always seeking to have your way
Always thinking that you know best
You’re a dreamkiller, a heartbreaker
Toxic energy that drains

My teachers told me that I could be whoever I wanted to be
But that I never believed
I wasn’t allowed to dream
No, that wasn’t the way
You can be this or that, but never that
“You’ll do as I say”

I did that for a time
But it never made me happy, it never satisfied
It never made me feel confident or good enough
Never could live up

But I’m better than that now, I know who I am
Pleasing you is an ever moving target
And that’s not who I am
Not a people pleaser, not a doormat
I am who I am, an independent thinker, a dreamer
Someone who’s building a life where only greatness will suffice

I’ve said all that I needed to say
I’ve made my peace
I’m leaving you behind, you won’t keep doing this to me
Dreamkiller, heartbreaker
Toxic energy that drains

I tried to be patient, I tried to be kind
I gave you many chances to change
To show me that you were on my side
But it’s the same ole shit over and over
I can no longer let it slide
I didn’t wanna do this, but this is goodbye

Some Days

Some days it’s hard to will myself on
To keep pushing forward, to keep on going
I lose sight of my goals
And I can’t remember what I’m doing it for

This is the life I wanted
This was my passion and my dream
But sometimes I question
Whether or not I still want this
Whether or not I’m built for this
If this is worth my everything

Some days I wake up feeling empty
Wondering if this is what’s left for me
Some days I sleep in, dreading what’s in front of me
Sometimes it feels like I have to bear the weight of the world
Sometimes I feel buried under a mountain of expectations
Is the standard I hold myself to too high?
Am I trying too hard? Am I doing too much?

Where do I go from here?
The longer I toil without result
The harder it is to maintain my focus
Is there anything left for me?
Have I given all that I can give?
Did I start off too fast?
Have I burnt myself out?

The inspiration isn’t always there no more
The confidence comes and goes
I don’t always have the discipline to do what needs to be done
Sometimes I feel lost, drifting down a river of sadness
Some days it feels like I’ve lost all meaning
Just another day alone with my thoughts
Just another day trying to cope with my same struggles

I’m better than this!
I slew my demons!
I conquered my fears!
I swore that I became a different man!
I swore that I was changed
I swore that I matured and grew up
Grew out of my headcase phase

This was supposed to make me happy, supposed to satisfy
But some days it feels empty
Some days it feels meaningless
Some days I wish my life had been different
That I hadn’t been depressed
That I hadn’t been sad

But that’s part of my story, always has been and always will
Some days are harder than others
Some days it feels like I’m on the verge of relapse
But I have to do better, I have to do more
I have to keep on going for some day it will pay off

Finding My Place

What do I mean in the grand scheme of things?
Where do I fit in?
What does life mean to me?
Where do I begin?

Never really knew my place in life
Never really felt all that accepted
Under-appreciated and misunderstood
That’s how it’s always been

Never been anyone’s favorite person
Never been referred to as a best friend
It had always been a bit one-sided
People meant more to me than I meant to them

Quickly forgotten and easily overlooked
Sometimes I feel invisible, just a character in a book
It’s the same ol’ story, destined to repeat
I’m there for a short time, easy to ignore
Not super memorable, just another guy
“Oh yeah, who was he again? Oh, he was that guy”
Every connection has the same ending

I was there for a short time
But then I was easily forgotten
I move on from friend group to friend group
Hoping to find a place to stay
But it’s only ever temporary
And that’s it, I’m trying to find my place once again

No permanent place for me
Nowhere I belong
Making friends had always been tough for me
But it’s gotten even harder as the years go on

Time and time again I’ve tried to find my place
I fit the dynamic for a little bit, but then my time is up
A wandering nomad on an endless journey
Is this what I’m destined for?
A life devoid of acceptance?

What do I mean to them?
Where do I fit in?
What does life mean to me?
Where do I begin?

Am I doing something wrong?
Is there something wrong with me?
Only there for a short time, but then they forget about me
I’m finding my place in the world
And so far I don’t belong
As time rolls on, will I find what I’m looking for?
Will I find somewhere to be, and stop moving on?

Same Energy

Keep that same energy
You didn’t care for me then
So don’t pretend like you care now
You didn’t even try to give me what I needed
Didn’t even think to find out what it was
So don’t try that now
It’s too late and it’s fake
Just something you do to feel better about your past failings
You wanna act like you took care of me
But it was never what I needed
It was never right and it was never enough

I have so many words I want to say to you
So much that I need to get off my chest
But I can’t think of how, and I just get jumbled up
I’m better with words written than words spoken
But it means nothing now, because I can never get my point across
You don’t get me, you barely even try
You and I will never see eye to eye
You believe that you’re helping me
You believe that good intentions are enough

But all you do is interfere
You’re a world class meddler, and it makes it harder for me
I don’t need your help, I never asked for it
You always just get in my way
None of your motives are pure
Always looking to get something out of it
Looking to have things your way
I’m tired of it, tired of your judgment
Tired of you telling me what to do
Tired of your snide comments
Tired of you second guessing me at every turn
I’m tired of it, so fed up

But what can I do?
I can’t make you stop
Anytime I disagree with you, you make me feel guilty
Anytime I fight your manipulation, you blame me
I know better than to fall for your wiles and tricks
I know better than to let you do this to me
But it’s easy to forget how you make me feel
It’s easy to forget all the times you’ve hurt me
But no more, I won’t let you disrupt my peace

So keep that same energy
You didn’t care for me then
So don’t care for me now
You didn’t give me what I needed before
It’s too late for that now
I am who I am
And I never really needed you, I see that now
You told me who I should be instead of embracing me for me
So keep that same energy
I’ll reap my blessings and you’ll have none
I’ll show you who I am, but that’s it, we’re done