Listen 

And… we’re back! Sorry I’ve been so sporadic with my posts lately. I haven’t been consistent in the slightest, and I apologize for that. I’d like to say that things came up, but that’s not exactly the truth. The implied connotation for that phrase is similar to, “we need to talk.” A declaration that something is wrong, that confrontation is imminent, that an urgent matter is on the docket. But that is not the case in this regard. Simply put, I’ve been busy. I’m still just as dedicated to my writing as I have been, but let’s be honest, so far 2021 has been much different than 2020. But then again, each year is different. That’s just the reality of it. We like to throw around the phrases, “same old, same old,” or “same shit, different day,” but that’s selling each 24-hour period short. The implication is that you believe that each day is the same as the next. If that were truly the case, then believing that change is on the horizon or that there are better days ahead would be illogical. If each day is the same then there is no allowance for nuance. But that’s not how life is. Each day is different, and as such, each week is different, each month is different, and each year is different. 

The long and the short of it is that in 2020 I had more time to write. There were periods of time when I wasn’t working; there were times when I was working from home; on top of that, the whole world was shut down, which all afforded me extra writing time. Although I haven’t been posting as much this year, I can still see that this year is fruitful. Things are coming together for sure. Although the fingers aren’t clacking (as much), the mind is still working, the gears still turning, ideas still engaging. I set my goals: short-term, long-term, and in the mid-future, and I won’t settle until I’ve accomplished everything I’ve set out and more! I believe in myself, I trust in my God-given ability, and I know my self-worth. My mind is focused, my blinders are up. I know what I have to do, it’s just a matter of doing it now.  

But just cause my mind is clear and my objective is off in the distance and there for the taking, it doesn’t mean I can’t always learn more and I can’t find alternative paths that lead to my destination. Life is all about learning and adapting. Those that don’t adapt, get left behind. In an ever-changing world you can’t afford to let that happen. You need to keep an open mind. I know I keep going back to the same old mantras, but I repeat them because I believe in them. That being said, keeping an open mind means being amenable to gaining knowledge from unexpected sources. One such source would be God. Obviously, whether or not it’s unexpected depends on your perspective. 

When God tells you something, listen. Listening and obeying is what I struggle with, more than anything else. I know I’ve said that about other things, but it’s for real this time! Growing up, I always prayed for guidance, to hear his voice, for Him to show me a sign. And He always granted that request. It turns out that maybe I was praying for the wrong thing. What I probably needed more was actually an obedient heart and discernment. But it’s hard to break out of habits, especially bad ones. That only became more and more evident as I went to more therapy sessions. Not to sound like a broken record, but looking back on things you’ve learned, you realize how simplistic all these lessons seem. But the little things add up. Small tips and tricks go a long way. Each seemingly minuscule lesson or change in your lifestyle plays a part in altering your brain chemistry and your mindset. It’s easy to retreat to your default thought process; sometimes it seems as though the more things change, the more they stay the same. It’s hopeless. I can’t change. I can’t get better. It’s just wasted effort. I try and try but nothing is different. These are all lies. Don’t let that sense of doubt creep into your mind. In order to enact change in your life, you need to be intentional.  

The old adage, “you’ll only change if you want to change,” is not just a cliché. Sure, maybe it’s overused, but it’s still a truth that you need to internalize. Come to think of it, most of these sayings have lost their meaning. But take a second and really think about the words. You’ll find meaningful advice hidden there. Breaking out of habits takes time and concentrated effort. When you find yourself falling back into bad habits, you have to make a mental note of it and force yourself to think, act, or react in a different way. Eventually this will become your new norm, but it will not develop on its own. At the start it needs to be manufactured. The first step to progress is acknowledging that there is something wrong and that things could be done differently. But remember that the first step is the hardest part. Once you accept responsibility for the change in your life it becomes easier. You’ll start seeing the steps lay themselves out in front of you. You’ll be able to see what you need to do and where you need to go. Now keep in mind that it won’t always be easy. You might backslide or feel like you’re regressing, but you need to keep pushing forward. That’s the only way.  

The only way to develop a habit is repetitive action. The only way to break a habit is intentional action. Progress begins with you. The person most capable of helping you is yourself. The most reliable person in your life is you. People may tell you that they’ll be with you through thick and thin, but their actions might tell you differently. But that’s just how life goes. People drift apart, friendships fizzle out. People will let you down, even your loved ones. An innocuous comment can end up cutting deep. Words can be misconstrued; actions can be misinterpreted. You aren’t going to make everyone happy. You can’t please everyone. That’s just the way of it. That’s why you have to focus on yourself and your goals. The only thing in your control is you. We’re all individuals and as such we will react differently to external stimuli. You have to learn how to tune out the noise, which again takes concentrated effort. If you want better for your life, you have to reach out and grasp it. It’s there for the taking. 

But it’s important to form good habits. Without good habits you won’t consistently get the most effective results. Don’t get me wrong, good things can and will happen, and you will have positive outcomes, but the process is equally as important as the end result. Your main focus in life should be setting yourself up for success, both in the present and in the future. And this starts with the process. If your process is solid then your results will be consistent. On your path towards greatness, consistency is paramount. You have to break out of the cycle of monotony and despair. Life is too short to spend the majority of it miserable. Love the life you live, it’s the only one you’ve got! If you’re not happy with where your life is then you have to take the proper steps to pursue happiness. No one is going to do it for you. Your happiness and sense of purpose are more important than money or prestige. If you wake up one day and realize that you’ve gone down the wrong career path, it’s not too late to change. You are in control of your life. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes you feel stuck or lost, but you need to take a step back and BREATHE. Relax and refocus.  

Once you’ve realized your purpose, you have to do everything in your power to reach your dreams and achieve your goals. Don’t start doubting your ability, and don’t question your decisions. Once you make a decision, stick to it! But keep in mind, that it’s okay to “fail”. Not everything is going to work out the way you anticipated. Not everything will be accomplished on your first try. What matters is that you tried. But now that you’ve seen Method A turn up unsuccessful, it’s time to try Methods B, C, and D. Keep pushing. Let the word “failure” be stricken from your vocabulary. You know where you wanna go, it’s just a matter of figuring out what needs to be done, and actually doing it. Don’t let fear control you. Too often, people our generation are holding themselves back due to their fears. Fear of living up, fear of meeting expectations, fear of opinions, fear of image. But none of this matters nearly as much as you think it does. You have to do what’s best for #1. If you feel like you need to quit your toxic work environment, do it. If you think it’s best to decline a promotion because it doesn’t help you on your career path or doesn’t feel like the right fit, do it. If you feel like it’s time to exit the regular workforce and start working for yourself, doing contractor work, or going back to school, DO IT. It’s not too late to start over, or to pursue something different. Don’t call it a mid-life or a quarter-life crisis. Instead call it quarter-life renewal & rediscovery. People change their minds about things all the time, so do not be afraid to change your mind in regards to your career. People don’t always stick with one thing. Most people have multiple things that they’re passionate about. People have differing interests, and sometimes these interests change. Do what makes you happy, do what feels fulfilling, do what you love. Release yourself from your fear(s), you’ll feel much better for it. 

Others will look at you funny, trust me. Someone somewhere will think you’re crazy for doing what you just did. You turned down a lucrative financial position to become an artist?! You quit your job with nothing lined up and took six months off?! You took a job that pays you less?! First off, mind your business. Second, I’m doing this for ME. Like I said, you can’t please everyone. Fuck the haters, it’s your life. People like to talk, people like to gossip, people like to judge, but that’s cause they’re jealous. They wish they had the cojones to quit their job without anything lined up. They wish they had the drive to pursue their dreams. They wish they weren’t riddled with self-doubt. They like to make excuses, and claim that they’re stuck. The only thing stuck is their mindset. They accepted mediocrity, they embraced monotony, they settled into their loser mentality. So don’t get too caught up in the opinions of people that don’t matter. It’s in one ear, out the other. Brush your shoulders off. Losers can’t bring you down. Cut off the negativity. Positive vibes only. You’ve got this shit. You’re on top of the world and nobody can stop you. You’ll come out just fine, because you’re working on you.  

For reasons unknown, it is taboo to talk about mental illness and emotional health in this society. But we need to break the stigma. It’s okay to admit that you’re broken, in fact we all are. Let’s talk about it. I’ve been beating this drum for a year and a half now, and I ain’t gonna relent. Sorry, not sorry. This is an issue that I will always go to bat for. It would be a waste if I went to 22 months of therapy and didn’t share my knowledge and experience. You know me, I am a strong advocate for therapy. But if there is anything in my power to prevent someone from reaching the point where it is necessary, I will do it. Whether that be in the form of conversation, encouragement, or advice, I stand open before you. I am not a professional, and I will never claim to be one, but I am more than willing to open up a dialogue. I was in a dark place and I don’t want to see other people go down a similar path. It pains my heart to see such brokenness. 

My girlfriend’s sister asked me the other day if I was happy. And I told her unequivocally, “yes I am.” I feel good about where I am. I may not have a high paying job, own a house, or have fame or recognition, but I can say that I undoubtedly am thriving. That’s because I’ve been cutting out the bullshit, I’ve slowly but systematically removed the toxins from my bloodstream. It started out with my loser mindset. I was like every other miserable millennial in the US: working a dead end job that I hated; not saving enough money for my future; not thinking I had a future; thinking that this was it, I’m going to be working and grinding for 45 years with nothing to show for it; feeling lost and unfulfilled. My thoughts were filled with pessimism, self-lament, melancholy, and nihilism. But I found a higher purpose. It stemmed from reaching the darkest point of my life, but without it there wouldn’t have been progress. I needed something that would catch my attention and get me to therapy, and this was God’s way of doing it. 

There were several occasions where therapy looked like it was on the horizon but never ended up happening. There was a period of time in college where I went to see one a few times, but it wasn’t consistent. It was a school-provided service, which let’s be honest, isn’t the greatest. I don’t pin all the blame on the individuals working there, a university has thousands of students, not everyone is going to get the adequate care that they need. So that didn’t work out. There were several times in high school where my depression kicked in to a higher gear, and I told my mom I needed to see a therapist. But if mental health is taboo now, it was even more so back then, so that didn’t happen either. Regardless, God found a way. He gave me what I needed, and I’m better for it.

There’s no doubt in my head that it worked, that’s why I’m such a strong advocate for it. Early on, I had told my therapist, “I feel like depression will never leave me. I can figure out methods to cope with it, but it will always creep back.” Let me be the first to tell you that this is another lie from the devil. I can happily say that I’ve been freed from the bonds of depression, and I’m never going back! Sure, sometimes it tries to creep back, but I don’t let it take root. You can have shitty days, everyone has them, but you aren’t going to have a shitty life. But in order to prevent that, you have to cut out toxicity. There are some things that you may not be able to get rid of right away, that is why you have to take the time to evaluate your life. What negative things affect you the most? What things can be changed quickly? If you don’t like certain things in your life, it’s up to you to change it. For me my trimming process went as such: first I stopped taking everything my mom said to heart, she means well but she is manipulative and controlling; second I left my toxic work environment, which allowed me to start thinking clearly for the first time in six years; third I drank and smoked less, lessening my dependence on crutches that prevented me from properly addressing issues; fourth I started concerning myself less with the opinions of my friends and peers, I killed my FOMO and I stopped trying to live up to expectations that I had projected upon them. Once I cut out the negative energy, I was able to redefine my life in accordance to God’s will. What was my purpose and what were my strengths?

Realizing what I wanted to do with my life was the most empowering and freeing thing that ever happened to me. Sure, I didn’t find out until 28, but it’s not too late to chase your dream. That’s what drives me forward, that’s why I can be happy in such a fucked up and miserable world. Cause I know I will hit it big with my writing someday. That I believe, and that’s what gives me the motivation to tackle each new day. I’m on a path towards greatness. Right now where I’m at is just a quick pitstop. But I do get the sense that if circumstances were different and if I had paid more attention earlier in my life I would’ve ascertained my life ambition sooner. I mean, that’s neither here nor there, but let’s just play this scenario out.

God is the creator of everything, that much we know. God works in mysterious ways is another saying that we hear often. That being said, God is the creator of foreshadowing, although we really don’t think about that. If I look back on my life, reading and writing have been constants. Writing is what I was called to do, but it took me a while to put two and two together. God played with foreshadowing so that the older me would know that this is in fact what I’m called to do. When I was a kid sure I played outside like everyone else, but mostly I was inside playing with Legos or reading books. As I got older I drifted away from casual reading, but did still thoroughly enjoy nearly every novel that we read in my English classes. I still remember To Kill a Mockingbird, Beowulf, 1984, Of Mice & Men, and many more. I didn’t start reading casually again until I got to college, but it quickly became one of my favorite pastimes. Reading just hits different. There’s nearly no limit to the depths your imagination can go to when devouring fiction that’s free from the inhibition of pre-conceived visual representation. This aspect is what makes books and audiobooks unique compared to other art forms. Anyway, I’m drifting off topic here. 

I’ve been blogging on and off for more than a decade. As a pre-teen I had a Xanga page. I don’t remember what I posted on there, but most of it was writing in some form. Back in sixth grade, I started listening to rap music, so I thought I could become a rapper, so I wrote a few rhymes. In eighth grade I started playing guitar, so I thought I could be in a band, so I wrote some lyrics. Later on, I started a blogspot then switched to Tumblr. I mostly just reposted pictures and random things that I liked, but my freshman year of college I started writing poetry. And now obviously, I write here. So what does this all have in common? Writing. Writing is writing is writing. The funny thing is I didn’t start seeing myself as a creative until recently. But when it comes down to it, that’s what I’ve always been. I wasn’t built for an office job, or to be a salesperson. That’s one of the reasons why I was miserable for so long. 

John Mayer once described creativity as pulling something into existence; reaching behind a veil that separates what you know from what you don’t know, and creating something from it. One of my friends had shown me this clip recently, and there couldn’t be a more apt comparison. When I work on my blog posts/essays and my fantasy novel/series, it truly does feel like that’s what I’m doing. My essays are usually long because they don’t feel complete until I’ve said everything that I want to say. It’s a way of organizing my thoughts into coherent sentences and paragraphs. For my novel, the story is buried in my head somewhere but it’s like uncovering a fossil. Bits and pieces become clearer as I think more about it. It truly feels like a lightbulb moment each time I answer one of the questions that was circulating in my mind. Although nothing has been written at that point, progress has still been made. So it’s slowly but surely coming together, and I won’t rush greatness.

So even though it took longer than needed for me to finally understand the impact that I was meant to make in this world, I won’t stress about it. But the loss of time is why it isn’t just about hearing God’s voice, it’s also about listening and obeying. When He tells you something, it could come in the form of a strong nudge or a straight up shout, but be obedient. It’s always better in the long run. In the past, if I didn’t like the sign He gave me, I would ask for another sign or do the opposite like Jonah. But you can’t fool God. You’ll usually find your way back to that same crossroads further down the line. When you’re doing things according to God’s will you will know, because he will give you continuous nudges of encouragement and reveal more signs to light your path. Likewise, if you keep doing the opposite, He will also let you know. Because He also has a funny sense of humor; it could come to you as minor embarrassment or become an “I told you so moment.” The best you can do is listen and obey. God will always find a way. But will He need to tell you twice?

Growing up is difficult. Life is difficult. Parenting looks difficult. Nobody asked to be born. They just were. Maybe your parents were ready for you, maybe they weren’t. But regardless, parenting requires on the job learning. You can only absorb so much from books, and training seminars. Of course, this is not something I know about from experience, seeing as I don’t have kids yet. But from observation alone, I’m able to deduce that this is a challenge that I do not envy. I’m pretty sure you’ll never learn how to be the perfect parent. That’s striving for something that isn’t attainable. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Everything in life requires a certain amount of effort.

Many of us don’t lack determination, we don’t lack self-motivation, drive, or ambition. For much of my life, I wasn’t part of this crowd, but that’s beside the point. What we do lack sometimes is time. Time to reflect. Time to pause. Time to refocus. Life in the northeast is always go, go, go! It’s fast-paced. Everyone is a go-getter, people are always in a rush. There’s no time for small talk. We’re too busy for this, too busy for that. We’re climbing the ladder, on our way up. Tunnel vision, locked in. That’s not to say that any of this is bad. It’s good to have ambition. It’s good to set goals for yourself. It’s good to know what you want. But you can’t be all action, all the time. It gets exhausting. It’s healthy and beneficial to hit pause every once in a while.

Go on vacation, take a day off for a fishing trip, take a mental health day, stay at a cabin for a bit. Maybe your boss or your workplace frowns upon vacations or sick days, but fuck em. Take advantage of the time that you earned. You worked hard for this. You deserve the rest. Sometimes it’s hard to admit that you’re overworked, hard to admit that you need a break. But you need to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Your brain requires exercise, same as your body. But likewise, you need to give both a breather. Like a computer, you need to shut down and restart every once in a while. It can’t be all work and no play. Your brain needs variety. There’s time for work, and there’s time for aspirational thinking. There’s crunch time and there’s downtime. There’s doing, and there’s dreaming. You need both. Like I’ve been saying, balance is key.

You have to take care of yourself. If you don’t look out for yourself, who will? But it’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to acknowledge that maybe you don’t know what you’re doing or where you’re going. Mental illness and emotional health issues are often looked at disdainfully in this society. There’s a negative stigma surrounding these topics. But know this: you’re not alone. You’re not broken beyond repair. Just because you’re seeing a therapist doesn’t mean that you’re a faulty human being. We all have our issues. Nobody is perfect. Each individual has their own vices, vulnerabilities, blind spots. And oftentimes we start out ill-equipped to take on the challenges that life throws at us. But we live and we learn, and we build up our tools. We take our experiences, and find ways to grow from them. Find ways to do things more efficiently. In order to develop the right tools, the ones that work for you, you need to try different things. If it’s not working out one way, you have to be flexible enough to try it a different way. If that way doesn’t work, you need to be willing to seek outside help or advice. If that still doesn’t work, then you know that this isn’t for you, and it’s time to move on, to pursue something else. You know what they say about trying to shove a square peg through a round hole? Sometimes we do it to ourselves.

We force ourselves into a life that we think we want. We pursue a career that we think will make us happy. We start living the lives that we think people expect of us. We care so much about what others think of us that we forget about what wecare about. Our parents’ aspirations for us become our aspirations. We end up losing focus and getting confused. We think that our dream is so crazy that we don’t take the steps necessary to follow our passion. It’s easy to fall into this fallacy. So easy. But you have to separate the voices in your head. Learn to distinguish between your own voice and the voices of others. How do you do this? Listen. Listen for the sound of your voice. Eventually you’ll be able to recognize it. What do you want? What will make you happy? What will bring you success? What does success look like to you? What will be fulfilling for you?

These are some of the questions you need to ponder on your journey called life. These of course, are not all of life’s questions, but this is a good place to start. Better late than never as they say. Some people are equipped with the tools to tackle these questions from the jump (lucky them!), but many others are not. Think of a RPG, typically you are given a certain amount of points to spend on specific character traits. Where do you think they came up with this system? From real life of course! No two individuals have an identical skillset, therefore no two individuals will approach challenges in the same exact way. One method may work for one person, but not work for another. Some people can sweet talk their way out of any scenario, others can problem solve like no other. Just because you’re one way, and someone is another doesn’t mean that you’re inferior to them or vice versa. You are unique. You are you, and there’s no one else exactly like you. Embrace it! Love who you are. Look how far you’ve come. We’re not fortune tellers, but we can all see into our own futures. Dream it. Manifest it. You are capable of opening your own doors if you put in the effort.

Life is a learning process. You’re continually building and reworking. Tinkering and tweaking. It is constant trial & error. Sometimes you may feel overwhelmed or drained, but you have to keep on trying. Life goes on. It can get monotonous at times, but there will always be twists and turns, hills and valleys. That’s just the nature of the beast. To get through the slow or dull times, you need to have interests, you need to have hobbies, you need to have passions. What keeps you going? Once you find it, pursue it with your every fiber. Do you want to be an artist? Do you want to make music on the side? Do you have stories to tell? Are you built for research? Do you love finance? Do it, chase it, whatever it is. Stop giving a fuck what other people think, stop letting people control your trajectory in life. Your parents want you to be a doctor, but you want to be a lawyer, then go to law school! If that results in you getting cut off, then good, you didn’t need that person or that energy in your life in the first place

You have to do what’s best for your own mental and emotional health. I can’t stress this enough. Taking care of your mind is just as important as eating healthy and exercising. Seeing a therapist regularly is exercise for your soul. It brings healing, it brings closure, it brings rebirth. I can’t speak highly enough of it. It works wonders. Society may call you defective for seeking therapy. Certain people from the church may try to pray your depression away. But mental illness is an infirmity same as the flu or a cold. It needs to be treated. It may start with medicine in the form of therapy, but it can end with rest and self-care. Therapy provides you with the tools necessary to cope. It helps you understand yourself better. It brings timbre to your voice. It helps you to know who you are and what you’re meant for. Once you have the tools, you’re able to do things on your own. I can attest to that. My mind is finally healthy for the first time in a long time, possibly in my entire life. I can think clearly now. The daily struggles of anxiety aren’t so hard to deal with anymore. I know better, I know more. I’m more capable, now that my demons are no longer breathing down my neck.

And to be quite honest I wouldn’t have gotten to my point of healing if I hadn’t reached the darkest time in my life. For years I knew that I was depressed. I struggled with it on and off since 10th grade, but I never did anything about it. I would reach a valley and decide that I needed help, but not seek it out. Sometimes I would come to the conclusion that I should probably see a therapist, but I never reached the point where I thought I needed to see one. I didn’t think that it was something that could be fixed. I figured the lows were inevitable and I just needed to wait them out. That, my friends is another fallacy. You can get better, you can heal. You’ll never fully get over your depression and anxiety but you can control it. You can tell them who’s boss. When you learn to better understand your own thoughts and emotions, you can keep these demons in front of you, on a tight leash, rather than stalking you from behind. You may have bad days or bad weeks, but if you keep your mind healthy you can start to minimize these moments. Things will get better organically, that’s the natural course of the universe, but you can help speed it up with mental exercises and positive thinking.

Easier said than done. It takes persistent effort and training on your part. People don’t go from glass-half-empty to glass-half-full overnight. Like the mental toolbox, some people start out optimistic, some people have the drive, the mental fortitude. But others do not. But don’t think about them, think about you. As fate would have it, the same week that I wrote my previous post about brighter days, my pastor started a new sermon series, which he has titled “Jogging for Jesus.” He has been making many significant points, but the emphasis has been on running your race. Your race is unique; your calling is unique. Don’t compare yourself to others. If you’re looking from side to side, or looking back, you’re not running as fast as when your eyes are forward, your head is down. Put on the blinders. If you know what you’re called to do, don’t let anything stop you. If you don’t know your calling yet, then pray that you find it. I’d like to believe the timing of this is divine providence. God telling me that I’m on the right path, going where I need to go. 

I know what my goal is and I know some of the steps I need to take to get there. Do you? You won’t know all the steps, but you’ll learn. Don’t let the pressures of society wear you down. Sometimes it may feel like a chicken & egg thing. On the one hand, depression and anxiety forming, due to the pressures of life. Onset stress due to perceived expectations. On the other, withdrawing from society due to our depression and anxiety. Turtling down, and walling up. Break the cycle. Stop giving a fuck about outside expectations. Think. Focus. Are you living up to your own expectations? Are your expectations even attainable? If they’re not, lower them. Lower them to an achievable level. Do what makes you happy. Find your purpose. And know that although it may be different than someone else’s, it is equally legitimate. And do whatever it takes to find your joy, to find your happiness, to find your love, to find your passion.

Unfortunately, drastic steps may need to be taken. Keep this in mind, always. Not everyone who loves you is for you. Not everyone that “matters” has your best interests at heart. Keep your circle tight. Stay on your guard. Be wary of negative energy, blackened auras. They say not to make snap judgments based on first impressions. I say be cautious. Sometimes your first impression may prove right. In the end, everyone is looking out for themselves. Some may be beneficial to you, you may be beneficial to others. Seek symbiotic relationships. You won’t know how clean someone is until you live with them. You won’t know someone’s true intentions until it comes to money. You don’t know how much someone truly cares about you until they hurt you. The trauma you endure from family, friends, school, the church, your peers is significant. It may not be intended, and you may not know it at the time, but the hurt we feel on a daily basis is tremendous, and life-altering. It’s not just about bullying or having soft skin. Sometimes the deepest wounds come from the ones we love and respect the most. But we are resilient. We will work our way through this. Whatever it takes. 

Again, easier said than done. But finding friendships and relationships is more than just finding people to hang out with. It’s finding people that are compatible to you, and you with them. It’s finding people who will put up with your shit, but also being there for them. We’re looking for synergy, working together to build a better future. That being said, you may need to distance yourself from some, cut people off, lose touch with others, whatever you have to do. But don’t just do it on a whim. That is why we need time to reflect and focus. Your words and your actions can’t be taken back. Apologies only go so far. But toxicity is detrimental to your mental health. Keep your mind strong, and exorcise whatever is holding you back, whatever is preventing you from living your best life. And I hate to say it, but you may need to remove family members or friends from your life. They may not be bad people, but the relationship can still be toxic! Don’t let them control you, don’t be willing to accept being gaslighted just because they love you. You don’t have to put up with this shit.

Sometimes distance is key. You may not feel comfortable cutting them off completely. It may weigh on your conscience. But it’s always good to take a step back. Think objectively. Disentangle the pros and the cons. The more you think on these things, the easier it is to decide what you want to do, figure out your approach. I know a lot of times hurt commands you, trauma leads you, but you have to extricate yourself from the situation. A friend of mine made a very poignant statement to me the other day, and it will resonate with me for the rest of my life. “At some point you start to realize that your parents are just other people.” A truer statement was never made. Yes, your parents will love you unconditionally in most cases. Yes, your parents want what’s best for you (again in most cases). Yes, your parents want you to be like them. But this may not be what’s best for your growth and development. I feel like a lot of times, your parents feel like they can control you, or they feel like you’re obligated to obey them just because you’re their offspring. Especially in Christian or immigrant households. But this doesn’t take into account that your mental makeup may differ, your interests may differ, your viewpoints may differ. We each see the world from one pair of eyes, our own. At some point you may find yourself at a crossroads. You may find that you’ve changed drastically in your 2+ decades here on this earth. That’s to be expected. Change occurs when you learn about the world, about society, about yourself. On one side you see a path leading down with your parent’s perspective, on the other you see the new ideas, doctrines, philosophies you’ve learned throughout the years. But you’re an adult now. It’s time for you to decide. Will you continue following in your parents’ shadow? Or will you forge your own way? It’s time to extract the way you see the world from the way your parents see the world. 

So it’s important to set aside time to think and meditate. Is this what I want? Or is this what they want for me? If they overlap or are identical, then great! The people in your life have the same expectations of you, and are holding you to the same standard that you hold yourself to. But the important thing is you took the time to analyze the situation. Cause more often than not, these goals do not coincide. When that happens you have a few decisions to make. Is it more important for you to feel fulfilled or is it more important for you to keep those around you satisfied? Are you ok being a people pleaser or do you want to seek your own happiness? Do you prefer prestige or respect? Do you want to make money or do you want to make art (they’re not mutually exclusive, but emphasis on one curtails the importance of the other)? There are no wrong answers, there’s only the right answer(s) for you. But you have to at least ask the questions. And it’s all a part of growing up. You have to separate your faith (or lack of faith) from your parent’s faith. Separate your world views from their world views. Separate your vision from their vision. Once you find your purpose, once you start doing things for you, you’ll be a lot happier. I guarantee it.

It will likely be a long process to get to where you want to be, but embrace the grind. You have to start from somewhere, so why not start with yourself? Life is too long to live each day in drudgery. But life is too short for you to not be shooting for the stars. Reaching up, and out, and around, looking to make your biggest impact. Breaking out of your cycle of misery and monotony starts with you. You may not feel up to it. Maybe life has kicked you around so many times that you lost count. Maybe you’ve been hurt too many times by friends and family members who don’t understand you. But things can change, people can change, you can change. But change starts from the inside. Don’t make the same mistakes that you made in past years or decades. Don’t make the same mistakes as your parents. What good are mistakes if you don’t learn from them? What good is experience if it doesn’t make you more mature? What good is adversity if it doesn’t mold you into an upgraded version of yourself?

Put in the effort. Put in the time. Work on yourself. Work hard. Persevere. You can heal your mind, you can heal your soul. You can find purpose. You can find ambition. It starts small. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Mind over matter. The focus is on you, on keeping your mind healthy. The most important thing is finding what makes you tick, and finding that extra gear. You were brought into this world to do something great! So work your way towards finding out what it is, and putting in your best effort. The work will be hard, the going may be slow, but little by little you’ll get to where you need to go. And when you get there, when you’re at the top of the mountain, you’ll have a lot to be proud of. Look how far you’ve come. Started from the bottom and now you’re here! You’ll have time to reflect, time to relax, time to reminisce. But you can say most assuredly that the blood, sweat & memories were worth the effort in the end.