Category Archives: Mental Health

Art, Changing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, people, Poetry, Writing

Out of Your Mouth

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Get my name out of your mouth
I’ve done nothing to you
I’ve led my own existence off to the side
I’ve kept my distance from you
Out of the spotlight, hidden in the shadows
Minding my own business, doing my thing

I’ve been grinding away, working hard
Head down, focused
Had my sights set on my goals
I’ve had nothing more in mind
But my eye on the prize
Nothing will get in my way, nothing will distract me from this

Although you may try
There’s nothing between you and I
No relation, you mean nothing to me
Barely a blip on my mind
Get my name out of your mouth
I’ve done nothing to you

I’ve put my head down and focused on me
It’s best if you focus on you
Do better, be more than you are
A perpetual loser, someone who isn’t winning in life
I don’t know what I’ve done to make you so green
I don’t know what I’ve done to invoke envy

I’ve put my head down and focused on me
It’s best if you focus on you
Nothing I did was with you in mind
Nothing I did was to spite you
There’s nothing between you and I
Whatever disdain you feel was fabricated by you

I’m not around, so I’m easy to blame
A scapegoat for all your troubles
An easy target for you
Someone who can’t defend himself
You’re the source of untruth
I’m a bad guy, a public enemy

It’s easier for you to believe that
Than to do something real
Easier to blame me than to accept responsibility
To admit fault, to hold yourself accountable
Easier to blame me than to say sorry
Easier to blame me than to try to change and improve

There’s nothing between you and I
Get my name out of your mouth
I’ve done nothing to you
I’ve put my head down and focused on me
It’s best if you focus on you
I can’t wait for the day when we are through

Changing, Discovery, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Music, Reflections, religion, Wellness

Quitting Time

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A legacy is a beautiful thing. You put all your time, effort, and money into an endeavor and now you have something to show for it. You’ve left something behind that you and your loved ones can be proud of. You’ve left behind a story to inspire, encourage, and push others to greater heights. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be remembered for decades or centuries after you leave this earth? Your body may cease to exist, but your spirit will live on. How crazy is that? 

What? You thought I was done talking about this? I’m only just getting started. You must know by now that I speak what’s on my mind, and this is something that I’ve continued to think about, even after taking a week-long vacation. Not that long ago, I didn’t feel like I had all that much that I would leave behind. I didn’t think I had much to give or anything to offer. And I don’t think I was wrong. I felt like I was useless and a waste of space, because I kinda was. What exactly did I contribute to the world around me? 

Let’s take a look. As I’ve discussed before, one of the things I struggled with as a youth was getting out of my own way. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Self-sabotage? I knew all about that! I didn’t engage in overtly destructive behavior, but I did suffer through emotional and mental self-harm, which proved equally as damaging. I was held back by fear, anxiety, and depression, but pinning my issues solely on those three things absolved me of responsibility. Shifting the blame towards my mental illnesses and away from myself let me off the hook. I had zero accountability back then, and that was just the way I wanted it. It was easier then to pretend like I was being railroaded. That I didn’t have any say in my life trajectory. That I didn’t have any control over how the story played out.

I wanted things easy, thinking that blessings would come without hard work. I believed that fate and divine intervention would determine the way that my life went. I didn’t need to work hard because as long as I followed God, good things would happen. I expected to see blessings in life that I hadn’t worked for. I looked forward to living a fruitful and abundant life without having to do anything at all. I thought I could coast, and things would come together. Turns out that’s not how life works at all. You have to toil endlessly for the things that you want. You aren’t just going to be handed everything on a silver platter (unless you’re rich and/or spoiled). And opportunities aren’t just going to fling themselves at your doorstep. 

If you want to be blessed, you have to do your part. You can’t expect to reap a bountiful harvest if you haven’t sown the seed. You can’t get by on talent and luck alone. Effort is needed. As simple as that seems logically, it’s not something I grasped when I was younger. Unfortunately, I was quite misguided back then, which severely hindered my ability to grow as a human being. Part of this was my fault—I was slow to make changes in my life due to my stubbornness, amongst other things. Part of it was because I was plagued by delusional thoughts, prime example being my belief that the Rapture was imminent. And part of it was because I had misinterpreted some things that I had learned at church. 

The foremost being the concept of predestination. Throughout my teenage years I was taught that God is omniscient and omnipotent. I don’t dispute either of those things. As such, if I believe that He is omniscient, then logically I must also believe that my life is predestined for me. I don’t deny that either, but I’m not here to argue about the veracity of that concept. Whether or not there’s any truth to it doesn’t actually matter. You still need to do your part regardless. You still have a role to play. You still need to make the most of your God-given talents. Your effort still factors into the equation. You’ve been given the tools, but you need to make it happen.

It’s no wonder then that I didn’t find satisfaction in life, or even know what I was looking for. How could I if I wasn’t giving maximum effort? I half-assed everything, hoping that things would fall into place. I adopted a nonchalant attitude where if things went wrong it was no skin off my back—I hadn’t wasted my effort because I didn’t put any in. I didn’t disappoint myself because my expectations were low. I didn’t fear failure because I didn’t believe I would succeed. But that is precisely the wrong mentality to have. You can only coast for so long. Doing the same ole thing, living the same ordinary life gets tiresome after a while. You start asking yourself, “is this it? Is there more to life than this?” 

For a long time I thought the answer to the second question was a resounding no. I had settled on mediocrity, thinking that I wasn’t deserving of anything better. I had resigned myself to the “fact” that I was meant to live this dead end life and work at the same dead end job. I had convinced myself that good enough was all I was capable of—even if I wanted to be happy I didn’t think it was something that I had earned. I was determined to live out the script that life had dictated for me, thinking that it was out of my control…

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Life isn’t a script. I wasn’t being railroaded. I wasn’t dealt a bad hand. I just wasn’t doing my part, simple as that. I wasn’t making the most of my opportunities. I wasn’t taking advantage of my natural gifts. I wasn’t reaping blessings in life because I hadn’t put the work in. Instead of positioning myself for success, I was essentially sitting back and praying for a miracle. And while miracles do happen on occasion, is it not better to put in the effort to work for the life you desire? 

There are no handouts in life. There is no free lunch. Things are rarely ever going to come easy. The best things in life require blood, sweat, and tears. In order to live the life you think you deserve, you need to put in the time and the effort. You can’t expect things to come together on their own. That is never going to happen, so you’ll be left waiting for years or decades—valuable time that’s going to be wasted. I wasted enough of that in my youth, and I refuse to keep doing so. 

When the going gets tough you don’t quit, you put your head down and you work harder. In times of adversity you don’t run and hide, you deal with it head-on. You don’t pay too much attention to the hate & the criticism or the love & the support (easier said than done). Both prove to be a distraction. The former makes you second guess your worth and saps away at your confidence. The latter puts you at risk of inflating your ego, and thus gives you an excuse to ignore that which needs fixing. Keep a level head so that you have a more realistic and rational outlook. But more importantly, be confident in your ability. You know your worth and only you can dictate it.

Making these changes is a sign of your growth and maturity. But it takes labor & toil. Sweat & tears. You need to be intentional about becoming better at what you do incrementally. You aren’t going to become a superstar overnight. You need to put the work in to get the life that you want. You only get what you give. In order to get to the top, you must do everything in your power to show the world the best version of yourself every day. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone else, but you have to prove to yourself that you are more than capable. A necessary step in that journey is holding yourself accountable.

There is no meaningful growth without accountability. Be willing to make mistakes. Be willing to admit when you’re wrong. Be willing to accept that you have flaws and might not have all the answers. Be willing to learn and be willing to grow. Willing to evolve and to try new things. But most importantly, remind yourself everyday that sometimes you will need to keep your head down and your eyes focused in order to put in the work that is needed. 

A couple months ago I had the opportunity to see Dead & Co live on their farewell tour. I have a feeling that we haven’t seen the last of Bob Weir or Mickey Hart yet, but man, what a legacy they’ve already left behind. A rich culture and a fervent following. The Grateful Dead have not existed or made music in nearly thirty years, but they’re still as iconic as ever. I can’t think of too many bands that have a more passionate fanbase. Deadheads old and new come together, united by the music. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been following them for almost sixty years or barely two. 

In fact, just the other week, I ran into a Deadhead while I was on vacation. I was camping upstate and happened to be wearing a Dead & Co shirt. One morning, after I brushed my teeth, I bumped into an old man as I was exiting the bathroom. I had seen him before around the campground, and he had that look. Ya know, the long hair, bushy white beard, the hippie vibe. I wondered if he was a Deadhead, and lo & behold we had a conversation once he got a good look at my shirt. Didn’t matter that I was a thirty-something-year-old Asian-American kid or that he was a seventy-something Southern gentleman. We were united by the music. 

Early next year, in January, my girlfriend and I will see Aerosmith on their Peace Out tour. Another iconic band that’s been around for more than fifty years. They’ve been going strong this whole time and are still selling out stadiums. Their songs are featured everywhere, from car commercials to sporting events to Hollywood blockbuster soundtracks. These two bands aren’t the only classic rock bands that are calling it quits this year and next. They’re just one of many—KISS and the Eagles to name a few. It’s bittersweet knowing that it’s quitting time for these music stalwarts. But their longevity in the game speaks to what they’ve left behind as part of their legacy. 

I’ve been to many a concert and music festival, but so far nearly nothing compares to the double set that Dead & Co played on June 22nd. This was my first experience with “old guy music,” but it certainly won’t be my last. Selfishly, I’m a little sad and disappointed that these old-timers are calling it quits considering I only just got into classic rock a few years ago. But I’m also happy and excited for them that they get to clock out on top. Their songs have been featured for fifty plus years, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were featured for fifty more. It might be time for them to retire, but that doesn’t mean that the music dies. Their legacy lives on through the airwaves. And we will remember the good times, body and soul.

So I ask again, what kind of legacy do I want to leave behind? Do I want to be remembered as one of the greatest, or do I want to be forgotten as quickly as the dew on a morning lawn? Thinking about it now may seem premature, but it matters. If I want to be remembered and not forgotten, then I have to do my part. The good things in life require your blood, sweat, and tears. Work hard and the good will follow. Be better in everything you do. The newest version of yourself should be the best version of yourself. If you keep putting in the time and the effort, eventually you’ll be rewarded. If you do your part, you’ll live the life you deserve. But you don’t deserve a thing if you haven’t done the work.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Hope, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Peace, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Without Action

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When all is said and done what will my legacy look like? As you probably know by now, this is something that I spend a lot of time thinking about. I know, I know, I’m putting the cart before the horse. Thinking about what the results will look like before I’ve put in the requisite time and effort. I can’t help it, but one can dream right? In a way, this keeps me motivated and pushing forward. It works for me, but it may not necessarily work for you.

It didn’t always work for me either. I’ve always been a dreamer, even if I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, at times. Dreaming was done, but what came of it wasn’t always productive. I spent more time fantasizing about crushes and becoming famous than I spent thinking about career aspirations and what kind of person I could become. I dreamt of nonsense not of impact. I spent more time in my subconscious than I did in the waking world. It was safer that way, easier. Nothing to goad my anxiety into overdrive. No embarrassment that I would have to suffer through. I did plenty of dreaming in my teenage years, but it wasn’t healthy for me. 

I didn’t go out and live my life. I didn’t put enough effort into my schoolwork or in finding connections and developing relationships with other people. All of my interactions were surface level or non-existent. I spent more time talking to people in my dreams than I spent talking to them in real life. I was partially held back by fear, and I was partially held back by having unrealistic expectations of what a friendship was supposed to look like. I’ve always been an introvert, but early on I was also painfully shy—I don’t know if I ever fully grew out of that—that being said, friendships had always been hard to come by. The effort that it took to try to maintain the status quo was already draining enough, I didn’t have the energy to invest in new friendships or to deepen the ones that I had. To say that my shyness stunted my growth would be an understatement. But we all have to work through adverse circumstances. 

We’ve all been raised by nature, nurture, pure dumb luck, and perseverance. Your parents raise you using certain values, but there comes a time when you start thinking for yourself, and you either continue to agree with them or you start diverging from them. Thinking for yourself is the final stage in your transition from childhood to adulthood. At some point we have to grow up, whether we want to or not. With growing up comes the understanding that sometimes shit happens. But sometimes you can do shit about your circumstances. Either way though, you have to make something of your life. You can’t just exist for the sake of existing. Your life should have meaning, purpose, and passion. Without those, you are living without actually living.

I’ve done more than my fair share of that. Of course that’s something that I regret, but the past is not something that can be changed. Oftentimes people say to, “live life without regrets.” That’s a statement that I agree with somewhat, but I don’t adhere to fully. How can you move forward without regret? So, for me it comes with a caveat. I don’t regret the things that I’ve done or the decisions I’ve made because there were lessons to be learned from them. But I do regret some of the things that I’ve said that have hurt people or ruined relationships. I do regret the times when I should’ve spoken up but didn’t. And I do regret the time that I’ve wasted. Our time is precious and we only have so much of it, so it’s best to use it wisely.

You might be able to spend five years at a job that you hate, if you’re still learning or growing or making good money. We all can come up with reasons for staying, but it usually comes at a cost. Every week or month or year is a good time to think deeply about what your job is costing you. Weigh the pros and the cons. Check in on yourself regularly—it’s easy to forget to do so. Sometimes we’re so busy looking out for our family or friends or significant others that we forget to look out for ourselves. That’s something I’ve been getting better at the past few years, but I’m still learning how to do it. Looking out for myself is not something that came natural to me. I attribute that to my Asian-American heritage, the morals I learned from church, and what I learned from school (amongst other things). The way I was raised stressed politeness, humility, helpfulness/generosity. None of which are bad traits to have, in a vacuum. 

But sometimes what’s unsaid or hidden in subtext is equally as important. That’s become clear to me as I become a better writer. Unfortunately, what was unsaid here was vital information that I missed. I was told time and time again to help others, to not be selfish, to focus outwardly rather than inwardly. Which is all well and good, but I was in no position to do so. I couldn’t impact others or contribute meaningfully to society with the war that was going on inside of my mind and my soul. Some people are ready-made from the moment they were born to be a positive influence on the world around them. Many others will need time to develop. Some may not ever develop. 

For a while, I was part of the latter group. On the one hand, I did not develop or learn, grow or improve. I was stubborn and stuck in my ways. Trying to approach things the same way, and expecting different results. But on the other, I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know what doing things in my best interest even looked like. I thought maybe it was making my parents proud, or meeting my friend’s expectations, or pursuing a career path that was prestigious. Later on it was being a company man and a team player. But none of that was fulfilling, none of that satisfied me. Because I wasn’t living for me, I was living for them. It sounds bad when you put it that way, but it wasn’t weird to me at the time. It was all I had known really. It took me years of therapy to break me out of that mentality. 

Doing things for yourself does not make you selfish. Nor does looking out for your future. Nor taking the time to get your shit together. Sometimes we need to take a step back and focus on ourselves before we can help others. And helping others should not come at the detriment to your own health. It’s hard to help others when you haven’t helped yourself. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way. I neglected my self-interest and ambition for more than two and a half decades. It took me more than a year and a half of therapy for me to even figure out what I wanted. Even though I had grown up, I still didn’t know what I wanted to be, because I hadn’t thought about it in so long. I didn’t think that I was allowed to be what I wanted to be. I had been conditioned to want to be what others wanted me to be.

I know now that it never satisfies. If you’re living for others and not for yourself, you’re essentially telling yourself that you are second place in your own life. Your desires and dreams take a backseat to the desires and dreams of your parents, your peers, your employer, or what have you. Trust me, that’s not very fun. Life is meant to be enjoyed. You’re supposed to work hard, but you’re also supposed to have time to rest and relax. You’re supposed to be kind and helpful to others, but you’re also supposed to be kind and helpful to yourself. Put yourself in position to have a positive impact on those around you by putting yourself in position to succeed. 

Everyone has their own strengths, weaknesses, passions, and interests. Do what you can to make the best use of the skillset you’ve been given. Dream big and never give up. But when you dream, make sure that there is a path to meaningful action that follows. Think of what steps you need to take to get to where you want to go. Without action, your dreams bear no fruit. Without action, your dreams are just hot air. Without action, your dreams are meaningless. 

I know that full well. I have nothing to show for all the dreaming I did in high school. I didn’t get the girl. I didn’t become famous. I didn’t even come any closer to figuring out what I was put on this earth to do. All that dreaming left me with my wheels spinning, wondering what’s next? While I was playing out fantasies in my head, others were out living their lives, pursuing their passions, finding happiness. They were honing their crafts, learning what they needed to learn, mapping out their career paths. I didn’t envy them, I still don’t. But I do wonder what if that had been me? What if I hadn’t wasted all that time?

But as I said earlier, I can’t change the past. I can however, move forward. I can live in the present, and work hard to set up my future. I can think about what kind of legacy I want to leave. I can think about how I want to make an impact. I can think about how I want to be remembered. I can keep on dreaming. I can think about all these things, but I must do everything in my power to make my dreams a reality. If I want to leave a legacy I have to do something worthy of it. That’s what keeps me moving. That’s what I remind myself every time that I’m having a tough day. The process may be hard now, but the end result will be beautiful. It will take time and effort upfront, but it will pay off later. It may seem premature to think about my legacy now, but I have to. I can’t get to where I want to go if I don’t know where I’m going.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Does It Even Matter?

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“Does it even matter?” That’s a question I find myself asking every so often. Is what I’m doing meaningful? Am I even making a difference? As I’ve said before, I was quite naive when I quit my day job last year. I had quit without fully understanding what I was getting myself into. I think it’s safe to say that things have not exactly played out according to my expectations. Over time, my expectations have changed and I’d like to believe that they’ve become more realistic and more attainable. But the shadow of doubt still manages to peek in at times.

I wish someone had told me that this is all a part of the process. Just as there are good times and bad times in life, there are good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks in your writing. I learned that maybe half a year ago, but that doesn’t mean that the tough times aren’t still tough. There are days and weeks when I don’t feel productive. When I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, or that I can’t write. There are weeks when I feel uninspired. Weeks when I feel like my work is useless and pointless. Some days I don’t feel like reining myself back in; I don’t feel like taking the time to recenter and refocus. Eventually though, I find my way back. Usually it takes a day or two away from my work in order to find my motivation again. At the end of the day, I write for me. Does my writing make me feel fulfilled and happy? Is what I’m writing important to me? If yes, then it serves it’s primary purpose.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t still seek affirmation. It’s a part of human nature and not that easy to completely disregard. Everyone wants to know that they’re on the right track. Wants to be recognized and appreciated for the work that they do. Especially so in artistry, when the framework for “success” isn’t as well-defined. You know what you have to do in order to get to where you want to be, but it’s not that easy for others to understand what that entails. We’re not given an expectation for the amount of cold calls we have to make in a day, or the number of sales. We’re not given parameters for the experiment we’re about to conduct. We set our own goals and milestones. Unfortunately, that is a bit of a double-edged sword. We know what we’re looking for, but oftentimes that doesn’t translate externally.

This has become a source of tension for me at times when I’m lacking focus and motivation. In moments when you’re not producing, it becomes easy to buy into the doubt. When the results don’t meet your expectations it’s easy for your belief in yourself to waver. Something that I have to remind myself often is that I’m on my way there. My toil was never going to pay off right away, that was not the plan nor the expectation. It was going to take time, I knew that full well. But I lose sight of that sometimes. Sue me, I’m only human.

When I first started this blog, I was using it as a way of practicing writing. I wasn’t new to blogging—I had been doing it off and on for a while—but this was my first real foray into what I had considered actual writing. To me, everything that I had done beforehand didn’t count. Using Xanga as a kid wasn’t so much blogging as it was maintaining a basic webpage. Blogspot was just something that I checked out because I was curious, but didn’t spend much time on. Tumblr was an online display of the things that I liked. But WordPress? That to me was the only thing that was legit. In reality though, I was selling myself short. Everything that I did led me to this point. That being said, it still took me a long time to gain steam.

For the first two and a half years, I can count on one hand the amount of posts that I wrote—none of which I’m particularly proud of. In truth, I had forgotten that this page even existed… on more than one occasion. The writing only happened when I felt inspired or when an interesting premise came to mind. It came and went in spurts. I wasn’t practicing writing, I was binge writing. Not exactly a helpful method of learning how to write. It’s hard to improve in an area if you’re working on it infrequently. Every time I stopped writing I went back to zero; I had to start over. Each time I did this I missed out on an opportunity to pick up momentum. And really, momentum is one of the most crucial components when you’re trying to pick yourself up off the ground, especially if you’re, “working for yourself.”

It’s no different for a more standard career path. The way you move up the corporate ladder is to learn more, take on more responsibilities, broaden your skill set at every stop. You pick up momentum by gaining more experience. As you gain more experience, you open yourself up to better opportunities, and you work your way up. What that boils down to is building your brand. You might not own a company, or run a website, or sell a product, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a brand. You might work for “the man” but you also work for yourself. The landscape has changed significantly since our parents were younger. There’s not as much company loyalty as there used to be. So, we have to learn to grow and adapt, and that starts with learning how to market ourselves in meaningful ways.

Last month, this blog reached its ninth year of existence (shocker I know!), but only the last three and a half years have borne any fruit. I know there are several things I could’ve done with this, but I let opportunities go to waste. The unfortunate truth is that I neither felt confident in my writing nor my ability to market myself. So I didn’t really do either. My writing was done in silence and my blog existed in its own obscure part of the internet, neither living nor dying, just being. And that was fine for what it was for a time. But the time for that has run out. I can no longer hang back and let life play out around me. I can’t linger in the background hoping that I don’t get noticed. A change in life circumstances has dictated that. After all, this is what I had hoped for. This was what I had been aiming towards. If I don’t reach out for it now, when will I? I’m not one for making excuses—not anymore.

As I started to really grow as a writer after the new year, it became evident to me that I can’t just rely on one thing to get me to where I want to go. If I want to earn a living as a writer I need to have multiple outlets. I need to build a following. This much isn’t new to me—I’ve known this for a long time. But what was I doing about it? Not much for a while. The work I did in obscurity, however, was great for me. Like everyone always says, “I’m my own biggest critic,” and I stand by that statement. No one judges my writing harder than I do, and I’m never satisfied with where I’m at as a writer. There are always areas that could use improvement, and my strengths can always be made even stronger. Like I’ve said, I’m constantly tinkering and tweaking.

Progress and improvement never stop. Once you lose sight of that you open up the opportunity for stagnation. I know how slippery that slope is. So, I keep working, I keep trying to improve. And the best way to do that at first was to do everything quietly. Learning how to write without the fear of judgment. Without the added pressure of trying to appeal to others or garner traffic. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had confidence in my ability but it was a bit misplaced. My confidence level far outweighed my skill level. In truth, I was still learning how to be confident in everything I do—I had only developed real self-confidence a few years earlier. And that only came after therapy healed me of my brokenness. 

I was exploring how to write without knowing how. The God-given seed of talent had always been there but had never been given room to grow. I was too worried about how other people would perceive me (and my work) to spend any time actually writing. But once I did, I started learning and growing and improving. Practicing on my own, however, had its limits. I was only able to self-critique and self-edit myself so much. I needed input from others, whether that came directly or indirectly. There was only so much I could learn on my own. My naivety blinded me to that fact. So, by the time summer 2022 came and went I had passed through both a peak and a valley. I had reached the end of the line. I had gotten all that there was to take from it. I needed a good support system to take me higher.

That’s really what I’m all about. Reaching higher. Doing better. Working on my craft. Those are the things that matter the most. Those are the things that I can do something about. And thus, those are the things I should focus on. I need to get better, it doesn’t matter how I do it, doesn’t matter who or what I learn from. It needs to happen somehow, some way. I’m not too proud to ask for help or to try something new. The resources available to me are innumerable. I owe it to myself to explore my options. What can I do differently? What can I do better? As an adult, those are the questions I spend time worrying about. Not worrying about things that I can’t change. Or other people’s opinions of me. Or their perceptions. This was not something that I understood well when I was younger. Wondering about these things only led to inaction. Inaction, to me is worse than failure. It’s better to try and fail than to not try at all. It’s better to know for certain whether or not something is going to happen for you, than it is to sit and wonder. 

Sitting and wondering, however, is always easier to do. You can backtrack from the decisions you make in your daydreams. You can break promises. You can start over, and try again. You can make mistakes without facing any repercussions. You let your imagination run wild and let the story take you, but none of this is rooted in reality. Your fantasy is a place where you can run free and forget about life. There are no troubles, no worries, no stress. No consequences. Seems harmless right? But there is still an opportunity cost. The time you spent dreaming about your future could’ve been better spent working towards it.

The best things in life take time and effort. Which, like all things, are finite resources. But if you’re passionate about something, you will find the time for it. Sacrifices will need to be made—that’s just the way that life goes. If you work hard, and constantly improve, success will come to you. Your hard work will pay off in the end, but you need to stay focused on the task at hand. Your primary focus should be inward: what can I do to perfect my craft; what can I do to be a better person; what can I do to make a difference? You control what you can control, which is to say: what you do, what you say, how you act. You can’t force someone to be grateful. You can’t force someone to like you or to support your work. You can’t force a response from someone. Trying to do so is controlling and manipulative. 

Why worry about outside opinion? Do something that makes you happy. Pursue something that fulfills you. Make something that you’re proud of. Turn your attention to being the best you can be and the accolades will come. If you are great at what you do, sooner rather than later people will recognize your talent. This is as much a reminder for me as it is for you. It’s easy to lose focus when gratification doesn’t come quick—we’ve been conditioned to think that way. It’s easy to wonder if what you’re doing is meaningful, especially when traffic is slow or new followers are infrequent. But none of that matters if you aren’t working diligently at becoming the best that you can be. None of that matters if you’re not striving for greatness. None of that matters if you’re no longer passionate about what you do.

The goalposts will shift if your focus isn’t right. If your focus isn’t on continual growth you’re in for a lifetime of disappointment. If you’re not getting better every day the industry will pass you by, the competition will catch up with you. But that isn’t to say compare yourself to others. Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Compare who you are today with who you were yesterday. If you see growth, if you see improvement that’s all that matters. The recognition will come in time, you just have to do your part. Focus not on fame, fortune, or popularity. Focus not on gaining traffic or glowing reviews. Focus not on going viral or becoming internet famous. Focus instead of honing your craft. Put your head down and keep grinding. Believe in yourself first, and others will soon see. What you do is important if it matters to you. Others might not see it now, but they will see it in time.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

No Minutes Left to Spare

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“Time flies when you’re having fun,” so the saying goes. But I’m not so sure that this doesn’t just describe life in general. As children, each year felt like an eternity to us. That was to be expected. We hadn’t lived that long so we didn’t have a good gauge for the passage of time. Each day felt long because in comparison to what we had experienced it actually was a long time. But alas, those days are long gone. So as we get older the years start feeling shorter. Now that the years feel shorter, it seems that time moves too fast. Is there any way to slow it down?

If only… But life is finite. With a beginning and an end. No one lives forever, and no one can defeat death. The time will come for us some day. Will we make the most of it before it comes? That’s a question I ask myself all the time. Will I make an impact before I go? Will I leave a legacy behind? My body will rot and decay, but my legacy should live on for years or decades or centuries (hopefully). As the years go by, I find that my priorities have shifted. What used to be my focus, I find nowadays is something that I don’t care all that much about. I used to worry so much about the opinions of others, but as I’ve matured I find that the best way to change someone’s opinion of you is to give them reasons to think of you differently. 

However, despite whatever positive changes you are able to enact in your life, some people will still dislike you, some people will still be jealous of you. It’s inevitable. No one in the world will ever be universally loved—it’s a hopeless endeavor. That’s why it’s no longer my focus. I’m not trying to become more loved. I’m trying to become a better person. I want those around me to thrive because success breeds success. Seeing others being great motivates and inspires. Encouraging your loved ones to be the best that they can be keeps you locked in, helps you maintain your drive. There will be some in your life that will put their best efforts into tearing you down. Those aren’t people that you need, they’re destined to be miserable so long as they’re splitting their focus between watching/judging others and bettering themselves. 

Unfortunately, those haters aren’t always the easiest to ignore. But know that their barbs will help you develop thicker skin. Criticism hurts at first, but gets easier to bear as long as you keep honing your craft. The better you get at what you do, the less hate a shit talker is able to spew. Their arguments will soon lose weight, and you’ll be able to prove them wrong. Of course, proving someone wrong isn’t the goal, continuous growth and improvement is. In order to continue on, you need to stay focused. Easier said than done. But if you’re passionate about something you won’t have much trouble doing what it takes to pursue your dreams and aspirations doggedly. You will eventually find yourself reaching greater heights.

Success more often than not will not reveal itself immediately, but that doesn’t mean that your toil is pointless and isn’t going to pay off. You need to be patient. It takes concentrated time and effort to pick something up off the ground. It takes time for fruit to grow. You need to water and nurture the seed. You need to work for the best things in life. You look for blessings not miracles. The way I see it, blessings won’t be plentiful if you don’t do your part. In order to live an abundant life you have to work hard. It sounds simple but I wish it’s something I would’ve known earlier on in life. 

Unfortunately, it took a long time for me to grow up. I don’t think I was challenged enough as a kid, at least not in the right ways. School came easy to me, and that was the only thing that my parents really cared about. I was able to half-ass things and still get good results. I wasn’t forced to do extracurricular activities or find a job—my parents weren’t particularly hard on me. So I didn’t really need to face my adversity head-on. Running and hiding like I’d always done had always been an option for me. And that’s the path that I chose to take time after time. It was the easy way out. Which, as I’ve said before, provides short-term relief, but doesn’t resolve any issues. Everything was going to eventually catch up to me—lo and behold, that’s what happened once I reached high school. Half assing things no longer netted me A’s and B’s, instead I was getting B’s, C’s and the occasional D. I suspect that this sudden change in results played a role in how depression and anxiety were able to needle their way into my life. 

My sudden inability to achieve good results without hard work had sapped my confidence. But really, what had I been expecting to happen here? That I could coast for the rest of my life? I had been blessed with good luck up til then, I just didn’t realize it. I didn’t realize that luck and innate talent wasn’t always going to outweigh effort—in fact, more likely than not it’s the opposite. Arriving at this crossroads could’ve been the catalyst for significant change, but regrettably it wasn’t. I didn’t have the ability to motivate myself to put my all into everything I did. Instead of putting in my best effort to try to get the best results, I instead resolved myself to put in a little more effort in order to get passable results. Again, a short-term fix for a long-term issue. It’s no wonder that I had been trapped in a cycle of mediocrity for so many years after college. I had unknowingly set myself up for that, conditioning myself to accept average as a reasonable thing to strive for. That’s a pretty low bar to clear. Who aspires to be the world’s most average doctor, or athlete, or what have you? Like c’mon…

But what did I know? I was just a kid trying to find his way in the world, without the proper amount of guidance in certain areas. I had good parents, but like any other human, they had their weaknesses, made their mistakes, and were misguided in some ways. Well, we live and we learn. As I’ve said before, we’re all just figuring things out as we go along. And I can’t be upset about it, because no one’s really at fault. Oftentimes we fall into the trap of feeling the need to assign blame for everything that happens in our lives. But sometimes there’s no one to blame, and that’s perfectly okay. Life is random, and at times it unfolds in unexpected ways. That being said, I’m grateful for everything I’ve gone through—my triumphs and my failures, times that were easy and times that were tough, the right decisions and the wrong decisions. My life is a culmination of everything that has happened beforehand. I don’t regret anything that’s happened or the mistakes that I’ve made, because everything came with a lesson.

I do however, regret my inaction during moments that could’ve been monumental. I regret the passivity I displayed in letting life play out around me. I regret the period of time when I had stopped dreaming and aspiring. Occasionally, I find myself hoping that time would slow to make up for the years that I had lost. But you can’t change the past and you can’t slow time, so I’m left wondering, “what if?” What if I had not stopped dreaming? What if I had found my calling earlier? What if I had been happy as a teenager? What could I have done with my life instead of wasting a decade moping around and feeling sorry for myself?

It doesn’t hurt to wonder about these things, but it’s best not to dwell on them. You are who you are as a result of past experiences, good and bad. Your adversity and how you deal with it show the world your character. Without my struggles with depression and anxiety I wouldn’t be the same man. My circumstances are not unique to me, but the sequencing of my journey is. I might not’ve found my healing if I hadn’t gone through my hardships. I might not’ve realized that I needed to make an impact on those around me if I hadn’t spent so much time wasting my time and my talent. I might not’ve found what confidence looks like if I hadn’t struggled with self-image. Everything that happened in my life needed to happen in order for me to find my way.

Once you’ve found your footing, the next step is to move forward. To do better. To seek greatness. To be a blessing rather than a burden. What exactly that entails is up to individual interpretation. For me that means maximizing my potential, sharing what I’ve learned with others, giving back to the world, contributing knowledge or meaningful conversation. As I approach my 32nd birthday, I am no longer able to use my youth or my naivety as an excuse. I can’t just sit by in the background and let the world move around me. I need to add meaning and substance to it. I need to do my part, play my role in society. I feel that I have a duty to myself and to others to be a better person now than I was before. 

If onwards & upwards isn’t the goal, I don’t really know what to tell you. If you’re not growing, you’re either stagnating or you’re deteriorating. Neither of them are desirable to me. Stagnation feels comfortable for a time, but will eventually hinder your growth. Comfort is good but is a slippery slope that leads to apathy and inaction. That’s not a place I want to be ever again. I’ve already spent too much time there; I don’t have any minutes left to spare. I can’t make up for the time that I wasted, but I can make sure that I don’t waste anymore of it. I can’t change the past, but I can change the future. I can’t undo mistakes, but I can make sure I don’t repeat them. I’m not old, but I’m not getting any younger. I need to make the most of my opportunities, there’s no guarantee of more in the future. We might know what we want, but we don’t know what life has in store for us. Work hard and dream big. Never stop learning, never stop improving. A better life starts with a better you. There’s no time like the present to try to find what you’re looking for. There’s no onwards & upwards without moving forward.