Category Archives: Reflections

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Hope, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Peace, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Without Action

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When all is said and done what will my legacy look like? As you probably know by now, this is something that I spend a lot of time thinking about. I know, I know, I’m putting the cart before the horse. Thinking about what the results will look like before I’ve put in the requisite time and effort. I can’t help it, but one can dream right? In a way, this keeps me motivated and pushing forward. It works for me, but it may not necessarily work for you.

It didn’t always work for me either. I’ve always been a dreamer, even if I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, at times. Dreaming was done, but what came of it wasn’t always productive. I spent more time fantasizing about crushes and becoming famous than I spent thinking about career aspirations and what kind of person I could become. I dreamt of nonsense not of impact. I spent more time in my subconscious than I did in the waking world. It was safer that way, easier. Nothing to goad my anxiety into overdrive. No embarrassment that I would have to suffer through. I did plenty of dreaming in my teenage years, but it wasn’t healthy for me. 

I didn’t go out and live my life. I didn’t put enough effort into my schoolwork or in finding connections and developing relationships with other people. All of my interactions were surface level or non-existent. I spent more time talking to people in my dreams than I spent talking to them in real life. I was partially held back by fear, and I was partially held back by having unrealistic expectations of what a friendship was supposed to look like. I’ve always been an introvert, but early on I was also painfully shy—I don’t know if I ever fully grew out of that—that being said, friendships had always been hard to come by. The effort that it took to try to maintain the status quo was already draining enough, I didn’t have the energy to invest in new friendships or to deepen the ones that I had. To say that my shyness stunted my growth would be an understatement. But we all have to work through adverse circumstances. 

We’ve all been raised by nature, nurture, pure dumb luck, and perseverance. Your parents raise you using certain values, but there comes a time when you start thinking for yourself, and you either continue to agree with them or you start diverging from them. Thinking for yourself is the final stage in your transition from childhood to adulthood. At some point we have to grow up, whether we want to or not. With growing up comes the understanding that sometimes shit happens. But sometimes you can do shit about your circumstances. Either way though, you have to make something of your life. You can’t just exist for the sake of existing. Your life should have meaning, purpose, and passion. Without those, you are living without actually living.

I’ve done more than my fair share of that. Of course that’s something that I regret, but the past is not something that can be changed. Oftentimes people say to, “live life without regrets.” That’s a statement that I agree with somewhat, but I don’t adhere to fully. How can you move forward without regret? So, for me it comes with a caveat. I don’t regret the things that I’ve done or the decisions I’ve made because there were lessons to be learned from them. But I do regret some of the things that I’ve said that have hurt people or ruined relationships. I do regret the times when I should’ve spoken up but didn’t. And I do regret the time that I’ve wasted. Our time is precious and we only have so much of it, so it’s best to use it wisely.

You might be able to spend five years at a job that you hate, if you’re still learning or growing or making good money. We all can come up with reasons for staying, but it usually comes at a cost. Every week or month or year is a good time to think deeply about what your job is costing you. Weigh the pros and the cons. Check in on yourself regularly—it’s easy to forget to do so. Sometimes we’re so busy looking out for our family or friends or significant others that we forget to look out for ourselves. That’s something I’ve been getting better at the past few years, but I’m still learning how to do it. Looking out for myself is not something that came natural to me. I attribute that to my Asian-American heritage, the morals I learned from church, and what I learned from school (amongst other things). The way I was raised stressed politeness, humility, helpfulness/generosity. None of which are bad traits to have, in a vacuum. 

But sometimes what’s unsaid or hidden in subtext is equally as important. That’s become clear to me as I become a better writer. Unfortunately, what was unsaid here was vital information that I missed. I was told time and time again to help others, to not be selfish, to focus outwardly rather than inwardly. Which is all well and good, but I was in no position to do so. I couldn’t impact others or contribute meaningfully to society with the war that was going on inside of my mind and my soul. Some people are ready-made from the moment they were born to be a positive influence on the world around them. Many others will need time to develop. Some may not ever develop. 

For a while, I was part of the latter group. On the one hand, I did not develop or learn, grow or improve. I was stubborn and stuck in my ways. Trying to approach things the same way, and expecting different results. But on the other, I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know what doing things in my best interest even looked like. I thought maybe it was making my parents proud, or meeting my friend’s expectations, or pursuing a career path that was prestigious. Later on it was being a company man and a team player. But none of that was fulfilling, none of that satisfied me. Because I wasn’t living for me, I was living for them. It sounds bad when you put it that way, but it wasn’t weird to me at the time. It was all I had known really. It took me years of therapy to break me out of that mentality. 

Doing things for yourself does not make you selfish. Nor does looking out for your future. Nor taking the time to get your shit together. Sometimes we need to take a step back and focus on ourselves before we can help others. And helping others should not come at the detriment to your own health. It’s hard to help others when you haven’t helped yourself. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way. I neglected my self-interest and ambition for more than two and a half decades. It took me more than a year and a half of therapy for me to even figure out what I wanted. Even though I had grown up, I still didn’t know what I wanted to be, because I hadn’t thought about it in so long. I didn’t think that I was allowed to be what I wanted to be. I had been conditioned to want to be what others wanted me to be.

I know now that it never satisfies. If you’re living for others and not for yourself, you’re essentially telling yourself that you are second place in your own life. Your desires and dreams take a backseat to the desires and dreams of your parents, your peers, your employer, or what have you. Trust me, that’s not very fun. Life is meant to be enjoyed. You’re supposed to work hard, but you’re also supposed to have time to rest and relax. You’re supposed to be kind and helpful to others, but you’re also supposed to be kind and helpful to yourself. Put yourself in position to have a positive impact on those around you by putting yourself in position to succeed. 

Everyone has their own strengths, weaknesses, passions, and interests. Do what you can to make the best use of the skillset you’ve been given. Dream big and never give up. But when you dream, make sure that there is a path to meaningful action that follows. Think of what steps you need to take to get to where you want to go. Without action, your dreams bear no fruit. Without action, your dreams are just hot air. Without action, your dreams are meaningless. 

I know that full well. I have nothing to show for all the dreaming I did in high school. I didn’t get the girl. I didn’t become famous. I didn’t even come any closer to figuring out what I was put on this earth to do. All that dreaming left me with my wheels spinning, wondering what’s next? While I was playing out fantasies in my head, others were out living their lives, pursuing their passions, finding happiness. They were honing their crafts, learning what they needed to learn, mapping out their career paths. I didn’t envy them, I still don’t. But I do wonder what if that had been me? What if I hadn’t wasted all that time?

But as I said earlier, I can’t change the past. I can however, move forward. I can live in the present, and work hard to set up my future. I can think about what kind of legacy I want to leave. I can think about how I want to make an impact. I can think about how I want to be remembered. I can keep on dreaming. I can think about all these things, but I must do everything in my power to make my dreams a reality. If I want to leave a legacy I have to do something worthy of it. That’s what keeps me moving. That’s what I remind myself every time that I’m having a tough day. The process may be hard now, but the end result will be beautiful. It will take time and effort upfront, but it will pay off later. It may seem premature to think about my legacy now, but I have to. I can’t get to where I want to go if I don’t know where I’m going.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Does It Even Matter?

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“Does it even matter?” That’s a question I find myself asking every so often. Is what I’m doing meaningful? Am I even making a difference? As I’ve said before, I was quite naive when I quit my day job last year. I had quit without fully understanding what I was getting myself into. I think it’s safe to say that things have not exactly played out according to my expectations. Over time, my expectations have changed and I’d like to believe that they’ve become more realistic and more attainable. But the shadow of doubt still manages to peek in at times.

I wish someone had told me that this is all a part of the process. Just as there are good times and bad times in life, there are good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks in your writing. I learned that maybe half a year ago, but that doesn’t mean that the tough times aren’t still tough. There are days and weeks when I don’t feel productive. When I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, or that I can’t write. There are weeks when I feel uninspired. Weeks when I feel like my work is useless and pointless. Some days I don’t feel like reining myself back in; I don’t feel like taking the time to recenter and refocus. Eventually though, I find my way back. Usually it takes a day or two away from my work in order to find my motivation again. At the end of the day, I write for me. Does my writing make me feel fulfilled and happy? Is what I’m writing important to me? If yes, then it serves it’s primary purpose.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t still seek affirmation. It’s a part of human nature and not that easy to completely disregard. Everyone wants to know that they’re on the right track. Wants to be recognized and appreciated for the work that they do. Especially so in artistry, when the framework for “success” isn’t as well-defined. You know what you have to do in order to get to where you want to be, but it’s not that easy for others to understand what that entails. We’re not given an expectation for the amount of cold calls we have to make in a day, or the number of sales. We’re not given parameters for the experiment we’re about to conduct. We set our own goals and milestones. Unfortunately, that is a bit of a double-edged sword. We know what we’re looking for, but oftentimes that doesn’t translate externally.

This has become a source of tension for me at times when I’m lacking focus and motivation. In moments when you’re not producing, it becomes easy to buy into the doubt. When the results don’t meet your expectations it’s easy for your belief in yourself to waver. Something that I have to remind myself often is that I’m on my way there. My toil was never going to pay off right away, that was not the plan nor the expectation. It was going to take time, I knew that full well. But I lose sight of that sometimes. Sue me, I’m only human.

When I first started this blog, I was using it as a way of practicing writing. I wasn’t new to blogging—I had been doing it off and on for a while—but this was my first real foray into what I had considered actual writing. To me, everything that I had done beforehand didn’t count. Using Xanga as a kid wasn’t so much blogging as it was maintaining a basic webpage. Blogspot was just something that I checked out because I was curious, but didn’t spend much time on. Tumblr was an online display of the things that I liked. But WordPress? That to me was the only thing that was legit. In reality though, I was selling myself short. Everything that I did led me to this point. That being said, it still took me a long time to gain steam.

For the first two and a half years, I can count on one hand the amount of posts that I wrote—none of which I’m particularly proud of. In truth, I had forgotten that this page even existed… on more than one occasion. The writing only happened when I felt inspired or when an interesting premise came to mind. It came and went in spurts. I wasn’t practicing writing, I was binge writing. Not exactly a helpful method of learning how to write. It’s hard to improve in an area if you’re working on it infrequently. Every time I stopped writing I went back to zero; I had to start over. Each time I did this I missed out on an opportunity to pick up momentum. And really, momentum is one of the most crucial components when you’re trying to pick yourself up off the ground, especially if you’re, “working for yourself.”

It’s no different for a more standard career path. The way you move up the corporate ladder is to learn more, take on more responsibilities, broaden your skill set at every stop. You pick up momentum by gaining more experience. As you gain more experience, you open yourself up to better opportunities, and you work your way up. What that boils down to is building your brand. You might not own a company, or run a website, or sell a product, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a brand. You might work for “the man” but you also work for yourself. The landscape has changed significantly since our parents were younger. There’s not as much company loyalty as there used to be. So, we have to learn to grow and adapt, and that starts with learning how to market ourselves in meaningful ways.

Last month, this blog reached its ninth year of existence (shocker I know!), but only the last three and a half years have borne any fruit. I know there are several things I could’ve done with this, but I let opportunities go to waste. The unfortunate truth is that I neither felt confident in my writing nor my ability to market myself. So I didn’t really do either. My writing was done in silence and my blog existed in its own obscure part of the internet, neither living nor dying, just being. And that was fine for what it was for a time. But the time for that has run out. I can no longer hang back and let life play out around me. I can’t linger in the background hoping that I don’t get noticed. A change in life circumstances has dictated that. After all, this is what I had hoped for. This was what I had been aiming towards. If I don’t reach out for it now, when will I? I’m not one for making excuses—not anymore.

As I started to really grow as a writer after the new year, it became evident to me that I can’t just rely on one thing to get me to where I want to go. If I want to earn a living as a writer I need to have multiple outlets. I need to build a following. This much isn’t new to me—I’ve known this for a long time. But what was I doing about it? Not much for a while. The work I did in obscurity, however, was great for me. Like everyone always says, “I’m my own biggest critic,” and I stand by that statement. No one judges my writing harder than I do, and I’m never satisfied with where I’m at as a writer. There are always areas that could use improvement, and my strengths can always be made even stronger. Like I’ve said, I’m constantly tinkering and tweaking.

Progress and improvement never stop. Once you lose sight of that you open up the opportunity for stagnation. I know how slippery that slope is. So, I keep working, I keep trying to improve. And the best way to do that at first was to do everything quietly. Learning how to write without the fear of judgment. Without the added pressure of trying to appeal to others or garner traffic. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had confidence in my ability but it was a bit misplaced. My confidence level far outweighed my skill level. In truth, I was still learning how to be confident in everything I do—I had only developed real self-confidence a few years earlier. And that only came after therapy healed me of my brokenness. 

I was exploring how to write without knowing how. The God-given seed of talent had always been there but had never been given room to grow. I was too worried about how other people would perceive me (and my work) to spend any time actually writing. But once I did, I started learning and growing and improving. Practicing on my own, however, had its limits. I was only able to self-critique and self-edit myself so much. I needed input from others, whether that came directly or indirectly. There was only so much I could learn on my own. My naivety blinded me to that fact. So, by the time summer 2022 came and went I had passed through both a peak and a valley. I had reached the end of the line. I had gotten all that there was to take from it. I needed a good support system to take me higher.

That’s really what I’m all about. Reaching higher. Doing better. Working on my craft. Those are the things that matter the most. Those are the things that I can do something about. And thus, those are the things I should focus on. I need to get better, it doesn’t matter how I do it, doesn’t matter who or what I learn from. It needs to happen somehow, some way. I’m not too proud to ask for help or to try something new. The resources available to me are innumerable. I owe it to myself to explore my options. What can I do differently? What can I do better? As an adult, those are the questions I spend time worrying about. Not worrying about things that I can’t change. Or other people’s opinions of me. Or their perceptions. This was not something that I understood well when I was younger. Wondering about these things only led to inaction. Inaction, to me is worse than failure. It’s better to try and fail than to not try at all. It’s better to know for certain whether or not something is going to happen for you, than it is to sit and wonder. 

Sitting and wondering, however, is always easier to do. You can backtrack from the decisions you make in your daydreams. You can break promises. You can start over, and try again. You can make mistakes without facing any repercussions. You let your imagination run wild and let the story take you, but none of this is rooted in reality. Your fantasy is a place where you can run free and forget about life. There are no troubles, no worries, no stress. No consequences. Seems harmless right? But there is still an opportunity cost. The time you spent dreaming about your future could’ve been better spent working towards it.

The best things in life take time and effort. Which, like all things, are finite resources. But if you’re passionate about something, you will find the time for it. Sacrifices will need to be made—that’s just the way that life goes. If you work hard, and constantly improve, success will come to you. Your hard work will pay off in the end, but you need to stay focused on the task at hand. Your primary focus should be inward: what can I do to perfect my craft; what can I do to be a better person; what can I do to make a difference? You control what you can control, which is to say: what you do, what you say, how you act. You can’t force someone to be grateful. You can’t force someone to like you or to support your work. You can’t force a response from someone. Trying to do so is controlling and manipulative. 

Why worry about outside opinion? Do something that makes you happy. Pursue something that fulfills you. Make something that you’re proud of. Turn your attention to being the best you can be and the accolades will come. If you are great at what you do, sooner rather than later people will recognize your talent. This is as much a reminder for me as it is for you. It’s easy to lose focus when gratification doesn’t come quick—we’ve been conditioned to think that way. It’s easy to wonder if what you’re doing is meaningful, especially when traffic is slow or new followers are infrequent. But none of that matters if you aren’t working diligently at becoming the best that you can be. None of that matters if you’re not striving for greatness. None of that matters if you’re no longer passionate about what you do.

The goalposts will shift if your focus isn’t right. If your focus isn’t on continual growth you’re in for a lifetime of disappointment. If you’re not getting better every day the industry will pass you by, the competition will catch up with you. But that isn’t to say compare yourself to others. Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Compare who you are today with who you were yesterday. If you see growth, if you see improvement that’s all that matters. The recognition will come in time, you just have to do your part. Focus not on fame, fortune, or popularity. Focus not on gaining traffic or glowing reviews. Focus not on going viral or becoming internet famous. Focus instead of honing your craft. Put your head down and keep grinding. Believe in yourself first, and others will soon see. What you do is important if it matters to you. Others might not see it now, but they will see it in time.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Growth, Hope, Mindfulness, Poetry, Reflections, Wellness

Like it Used to Be

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A longing for the past
Remembering the old times
Things aren’t as they were
Circumstances aren’t the same
What once was, is now just a distant memory
A flashback to the past
Reminiscence of that which has gone by
We had our good times, we had our bad
We had our triumphs, we had our struggles
We came out stronger, we came out smarter
We came out better

The moments taught us
The adversity strengthened us
The pain molded us
The experience emboldened us
Our past informs our future
Gives us that which we need
Who we were is not who we are
We strive to be different
Different from them, different from us
Not destined to repeat past mistakes
Not confined to a box

It’s not like it used to be
We can never return
It’s all just a distant memory
A recollection of our past
Perhaps it’s better that way
We live and we learn
We grow and we progress
On the path of life there’s only one direction
We go forward and never look back
Who we were is not who we are
We’re not confined to a box

The older we get, the wiser we get
The more we know, the better we can become
We reflect on the past, grateful for where we came from
But we know there’s more in store for us
Something greater, something better
It’s not like it used to be, but that’s okay
What used to be pales in comparison to what could be
Reach out and seek the gift that has been given
A reward for your dedication
Recompense for the good you have done
You are better than you used to be, and that is enough

Brokenness, Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Knowledge, Mindfulness, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Ignorance is Ignorance

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When I walk in, heads turn… Or at least that’s what happens in my dreams. Sometimes. More often than not, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to a school dream. I’m thirty-one years old, this shouldn’t be happening but it does. It’s been eight years since I graduated college, twelve since high school. But my subconscious still seems to believe that I have more homework to do, more tests to take, more projects to work on. The human psyche is a strange place. Not easily understood. 

If it were, we wouldn’t have such studies as psychology, sociology, and anthropology. I’ve said before that I studied business because I thought it was what was expected of me, but I studied sociology because I was interested in learning about people. I needed to know why people were the way that they were. I needed to know the motive behind every action. I needed to know why serial killers turned out the way that they did. Most of the time, fucked-up people aren’t born fucked-up people. I’d like to believe that we start with a clean slate, and are shaped by nature, nurture, and trauma. Something steers deviants down the untrodden path. They wouldn’t just veer off on their own. 

But this much is still not understood. Some cope with trauma well—use adversity as their stepping stone. Others wilt under pressure. Some are liable to follow in the footsteps of their forefathers: repeating mistakes, using the same crutches, abusing the same vices. Others see the error in their ways, using it as a deterrent. What makes one sibling resign themself to the fact that, “my father is an alcoholic so I will be one too,” but the other believe that, “my father is an alcoholic so I refuse to be one”? I went to college asking questions such as these, seeking knowledge. I came away with a few answers, but many more questions.

Growing up I was taught not to question things. My parents were older than me, therefore they had the answers. My teachers and pastors were more educated, therefore they knew what was right. But this discounts the fact that people are people, even if they are your elders. Your parents and teachers are not superheroes. They are not angels. They are not beings incapable of wrongdoing. They are fallible just as you are. They can lie, they can cheat. They can hurt you, they can do fucked up things. When we’re young, it’s hard for us to understand that our parents are just other people. It doesn’t register in our still-developing brain, and that’s fine for a time. Ideally, there should be no greater role model in your life than your parents. However, things don’t always work out that way. Your parents can be selfish. They can be misguided. They can think that they’re doing what’s right, but doing more harm than good. We’re all figuring things out as we go along—it’s no different with them.

One sign of becoming more mature is developing a better understanding of the world. You start realizing that your parents do not in fact have all the answers, but you also realize after the fact that they did know better than you did at the time because they had more life experience. There comes a time in your life when your parents’ commands become suggestions. Their advice is still valuable to you, but you no longer take it at face value. You listen, you interpret, and you determine. What they say might work for you, it might not. Regardless, they are no longer in control of your life. You find that every last decision rests on your shoulders. You live the life that you want to live, and with that comes true happiness. You start doing what satisfies you rather than doing things to check a box. 

For twenty-seven years I did things to check a box. I did what I was told. I did what I thought was expected. I did what I was good at. But I didn’t do what I wanted. I didn’t follow my passion. I didn’t do what would make the greatest impact on those around me. Maybe this is just my cynicism at play, but I’m convinced that nearly every company tells you the same lies. They feed your ego: telling you that you’re such a great employee, how much you mean to the company, and that you have a real future. There is some semblance of truth to their statements, but I don’t buy that their intentions are always pure. When it comes down to it, companies are looking for someone to do their work for them. Sometimes this aligns with your skillset and your values, but oftentimes it does not. I was told for years that I would be great at customer service (which I was) and that sales was where the money was at (I did not in fact get paid more as promised). When the time came, I was given more responsibility and a title change, but not paid what I was worth. For many years I accepted it—I didn’t know any better. I let fear dictate my life. I allowed outside circumstances to direct me. I thought my life was outside of my control so I didn’t even bother, and I suffered for it.

At some point it started to click, but it took being lied to and tricked over and over. I stopped letting fear influence my decision making. I said, “no more.” I began to embrace the unknown, because I finally accepted that what I did know wasn’t working. I needed to try something new, to start taking risks. Otherwise, I was destined to be just another deadbeat stuck at a dead end job. There’s already enough of those in the world, we didn’t need another. Saying no to my fear was the most freeing experience in my life. But in order to do that, I had to get out of my comfort zone. I could no longer be satisfied with my okay life. I could no longer let myself be walked all over. I could no longer keep checking boxes on a career path that I wasn’t built for. Selling products that people don’t need was not it. I’m not a salesperson. I’m not a market analyst. I’m not a customer service rep. None of that was me. I was never meant to climb the corporate ladder. I’m not cutthroat enough for that nor do I have that type of ambition. I’m a writer first and foremost, and a knowledge seeker second. Someone who provides inspiration and spreads hope. That’s what I was meant for: helping people in my own way, by using my words. Being encouraging, being thoughtful, contributing positivity to the world—that’s what drives me.

In order to do that, I have to keep asking questions. It doesn’t matter how many answers I find, it’s a never-ending quest for more knowledge. The more informed I am, the better equipped I am to figure out what exactly it is that I believe. Growing up, we were told that asking questions showed our doubt, but doubt is not always the negative emotion that we perceive it to be. You can’t have a dichotomy without both the good and the bad. You can’t have happiness without anger or sadness. You can’t have success without failure. You can’t have belief without doubt. Doubt helps you to strengthen your faith (regardless of what religion you follow). You need to graduate from blindly believing everything that you’re taught, to formulating your own world view.

This much is imperative. You are not a clone of your parents. You are not your cousin. You are not your sibling. You are your own person, and as such, you need to know where you stand. You’re not going to agree with your family on everything, that’s just not realistic. Your parents raise you the way that they think is right, but sometimes good intentions are nothing more than that. Your parents will disappoint you, you will disappoint your parents, that’s inevitable. The way you live your life is not contingent on the way that they live theirs. Growing up, you are subject to their worldview because you haven’t experienced anything different. Your parents instill in you certain values, but over time, they may change. Once you become an adult, it’s time to find out for yourself. Time to form your own opinions. 

But you can’t do that without asking questions. When you stop asking questions is when you settle. When you accept what is told without fact-checking, you allow yourself to be brainwashed and manipulated. You lose sight of what you believe, and instead believe what you’re told to believe. Of course, there needs to be a balance between finding your own truth and trusting wholly in others. Too much of either isn’t healthy. If you lack trust in others you become fueled by paranoia. If you blindly trust what others tell you then you lose your sense of self. It’s hard for me to say which is worse, but I’ve seen how destructive either one can be. All I know is that your ignorance is not bliss… Your ignorance is ignorance. You need to distance yourself from that. If you have the opportunity to learn more about society as a whole and where you fit in, why wouldn’t you take it? Your worldview is not a static entity. It should change based on what you know and feel. Unfortunately, the world is a fucked-up place, and discouragement often comes easy. But just because many people are driven by greed and self-interest doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference. You have good that you can impart. You have something to offer. Never forget that.

It may not be evident to you now what it is that you can offer, but it will become evident over time. You just need to keep working on yourself, improving a bit at a time. Progress may be slow, it may be fast, but it requires persistence. Lay down the groundwork so that you have a good foundation. If your foundation is strong then nothing can shake you. It starts with learning to become in-tune with yourself. Know who you are. Know what you stand for. Understand and accept your emotions. Listen to your mind, body, and soul. If something doesn’t feel right, ask yourself why. If your everyday life feels tedious, then find something that motivates you. Realize that all emotions, positive or negative, are necessary. If the situation calls for anger or sadness, embrace it, don’t shun it or suppress it. Let it run its course, but don’t let it stew. Allow yourself to react, then let it go. Not every situation or conversation needs to be manipulated for your purposes. Not everything needs to have a positive or negative outcome. Sometimes some things just are. Shit happens. 

Letting go isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Sometimes we feel the need to control everything. Things need to work out for us, otherwise why are we doing them? But that’s a fallacy. Every situation comes with a lesson, but it does not always come with a tangible result. Just because something is neither beneficial nor harmful doesn’t mean that it’s useless. Doing something positive that doesn’t garner praise or recognition doesn’t invalidate its worth. A kind gesture is a kind gesture. Lack of gratitude shouldn’t prevent you from acting out of love. 

However, sometimes we overthink things such as these. We build up walls and create facades. Sometimes this is due to us being afraid to commit, being wary about opening up. Other times it’s because we’re afraid to face hard truths. Putting in time and effort on maintaining these images often results in a feeling of emptiness. That’s because we aren’t being true to ourselves and to others. We wanted so badly for others to see us as nice, intelligent, beautiful, or unique. We were trying so hard, but it wasn’t needed. We just needed to be us. To be genuine. To be true to ourselves. To accept the things that make us us. Our strengths, our weaknesses, our passions, our interests, our personality. No one element is unique to anybody, but we are not the elements, we are the sum of the parts. The totality of it is what makes us unique. Embrace it. Live the life you want to live. Be the person that you want to be. Do what makes you happy. Stop giving a shit about what others think. Once you know your worth, the opinion that matters the most is your own.

Brokenness, Mindfulness, Poetry, Reflections

Grand Delusions

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False realities/
Untruths/
Living a lie/
Full of grand delusions/
Building a fabrication in your mind/

Unwilling to compromise/
Unwilling to face facts/
Inability to accept hard truth/
Failure to fix that which needs fixing/
Can’t ever admit that you’re wrong/

Grand delusions pollute your mind/
Cloud your thinking/
Impair your judgment/
A handcuff that holds you back/
A stranglehold that binds/

Grand delusions—a demon within/
A malevolent spirit/
A nasty train of thought/
Poisons the well/
Entombs your soul/

Living a lie/
Being intentionally blind/
Ignoring that which hurts/
Ignoring any and all advice/
Toxicity and nastiness, we’ll leave you to it/

Grand delusions are ties that bind/
Irrational thoughts, illogical conclusions/
A drain on inner peace/
Failure to accept reality/
Failure to grow, failure to move on/

Stuck in your ways/
Stubborn as can be/
Perpetually in a daze/
Tunnel vision, low visibility/
We tried to help, but it’s gone beyond/

We’ll leave you to it/
Trapped in your mind/
Refusing to accept/
If you want blessings you can’t reap before you sow/
You can’t expect effect without a cause/
There is no change without effort/
You can only heal if you feel the pain/