The other week my girlfriend and I drove a few hours upstate to see Styx, REO Speedwagon (technically they performed as Kevin Cronin Band) and Don Felder. Like you would expect, going on a roadtrip is not our preferred concert experience. But the lineup was “can’t miss” for us, and this was a show that I’d been looking forward to for six months or so. Happy to say it did not disappoint. 

Although, we almost weren’t able to go. As I’ve stated before, my writing “career” has not progressed the way that I thought it would, to say the least. Of course, I’ve been guilty of setting idealized expectations in the past, and that was no different this time around. I’m slowly learning how to be more realistic, but it’s still very much a work in progress. I often say that one of the recurring themes in life is finding balance in all things. Easier said than done! One thing that I’ve had trouble with is listening to my own advice. It’s almost like I’m able to say all the right words, but unable to internalize them. Not entirely sure what that says about me, but I digress…

Desensitized

That being said, I’ve been preaching about having balance for so long I seem to have become desensitized to it. The message just doesn’t resonate the way that it used to. Maybe it never truly did. Regardless, I’ve been finding it increasingly harder to practice what I preach. I just don’t have the same level of focus or determination that I used to. I guess in certain ways the disappointments I’ve faced have inserted doubt into the equation and tempered my expectations, in turn. The former is obviously not ideal, but the latter was perhaps necessary. 

I’ve always been stubborn and hard-headed. And while I’ve gotten better about it over time, it’s still a part of me, unfortunately. I’m the type that doesn’t ask for help until the last minute, when I’ve exhausted all my options. Tried things a whole bunch of different ways before concluding that I don’t have the answers or that I’m not able to complete the task without further instructions. I try to maintain my independence as long as possible—that’s just the way I’m wired. Which has its upsides and its downsides. These are mostly self-explanatory so I won’t really get into it here, except for this: the biggest downside is that I often end up having to learn things the hard way.

Old Habits Die Hard

I think in some ways I expected that I would eventually outgrow this, but that has not happened as of yet. And I’m growing more doubtful about that coming to pass. This just seems to be the way my inner self prefers to learn. As much as I hate it, I’m just not sure that it’s possible to leave this part of me behind. That being said, 2025 has felt like a continuation of 2024 in certain ways. It’s been nearly two years of trials and tribulations. For various reasons, the things I’ve tried have not worked out. Perhaps I wasn’t honest with myself about my ability, or the expectations I had set were too lofty and romanticized, or I was too confident in my belief that things would play out the way that I wanted them to, or the timing was wrong or what have you. I’m not going to sit here and speculate, as that’s beyond the scope of what I wanted to cover today. I’m incredibly blessed—I know that. Things could be much much worse for me. But they could also be better. Both things can be and are objectively true. 

Still Alive… I think?

It’s now been nearly four years since I was last gainfully employed, as shameful as that is to admit. While I’m nowhere close to thriving, I’m still alive, still surviving (barely). I mostly have my parents to thank for that. They both worked incredibly hard throughout the decades to provide my sisters and I the best life possible. That’s allowed them to support me financially while I’m trying to figure things out. Again, I’m aware of how tremendous a blessing that is, and I’m trying not to take it for granted. But I want more than that, merely living isn’t enough for me. And if we’re being honest, what I’m doing barely even counts as that… 

Since starting therapy, my main mission has always been centered around finding my calling in life, and finding fulfillment in what I do. Both of these things were complete unknowns to me for the first 26+ years of my life, so the one constant that I could pride myself on was my independence and self-sufficiency, particularly when it came to my finances. I, obviously, am no longer able to claim that. While I’m grateful for my parents’ financial support, it also pains me to have to rely on them, but right now it’s my only choice. Like I’ve said before, things just have not gone the way I expected. What started out as a sharp turn in my career path eventually became chasing my dreams. But that moment of elation was short-lived, as the entire process of late has felt like an extensive quarter-life crisis. And while I know how this chapter of my life should end, it still feels like there’s no end in sight. Although there have been brief hopes and glimpses of something better.

Could This be Change?

One such glimpse came at the end of May. I had just started my job search a few months earlier (I started it three quarters of a year to a full year late, yes, I know. Let’s not get into that. Remember, 2024 was a year of experimentation that included everything but seeking employment). I didn’t necessarily have high hopes for the search at this point, as up til then, nearly every application had ended with me either being ghosted or auto-rejected. But as luck would have it, I was able to land two interviews. The phone interview was straight-forward and went as expected. The in-person one that followed was much more of a mixed bag. 

I think I prepared well enough for it, but I took a different approach than I’ve done in past job searches (not that any of those have ever gone particularly well). Instead of reviewing common interview questions and writing down my answers, this time around I decided to focus more on staying calm and poised throughout the week, so that the interview was much more off the cuff. I did this because I noticed that the previous approach had me focusing too much on trying to remember my written answers rather than answering them naturally as they came up, which only resulted in me becoming way more nervous. Let’s call it “manufactured nervousness.” It’s something that started in high school or college. Usually my class presentations would go one of two ways. If I practiced in the week leading up to the due date, but took the last day or two off, things tended to go somewhat smoothly. Whereas, if I practiced (or thought about it) too much, my body would fail me. In both cases I would find myself in a similar head space—one that I thought was calm, cool, and collected. 

But that’s where there was a disconnect between my body and my mind. It didn’t really matter how I felt mentally or how I thought I felt, if I over-practiced, somehow my body would know. During the presentation, I would break out in a cold sweat, stutter every few words, start shaking/fidgeting, and keep losing my train of thought. All of those are things I very much wanted to avoid. And aside from the sweating, they are all things that I can avoid. Obviously I’ve come a long way since I started going to therapy. It’s done wonders for my self-confidence, which in turn has vastly improved my social skills. That being said, given the improvements, I felt confident enough about my speaking ability going into it that I didn’t feel the need to do any practice interviews.

Sounds somewhat counterintuitive, right? In order to get yourself mentally ready for an interview, shouldn’t you actually prepare for it? Yes, but hear me out. It was absolutely the right approach for me (your mileage may vary). I’m convinced it would’ve gone worse if I hadn’t focused on staying calm. I ended up sweating through my shirt anyway—thank God I was wearing a dark navy cardigan on top—but I spoke clearly and confidently, and didn’t have the shakes. And doing practice questions wouldn’t have helped anyway, as the interview was structured more like a conversation where the hiring manager laid out different scenarios than a straight-up question & answer session. In any event, in the first few days that followed, I felt like I had done my best. I had avoided making the same mistakes I made during past interviews such as painting an employer in a negative light or self-deprecating in a way that made the hiring manager question my fit for the position. I was fairly confident that I had gotten the job. 

Same Old, Same Old

But lo & behold, the result was the same as it was for the handful of companies that had at least given me the courtesy of sending a form letter rejection: “we’ve decided to move forward with a different candidate.” So what went wrong? The answer to that question wasn’t obvious to me at first. For a few weeks I took what they said at face value: they found someone who was a better fit. And I also maintained that I had done the best that I could. But that wasn’t good enough for me. I’ve been saying for several years now that every experience—good or bad—is a chance for you to learn. So there was no way I would walk away from this without trying to figure out what I could do better next time. After weeks of reflection, two things finally became clear to me. 

The first thing was that I hadn’t sold myself well enough (or even at all). As the hiring manager went through the various responsibilities and expectations for the candidate, I had nodded along, thinking about how perfect a fit I was for everything that he described. However, this discourse mostly circulated through my mind, and I failed to take the opportunity to verbalize my thoughts on the matter. I was so focused on not saying the wrong things, that I missed nearly every chance to say the right ones. How was he to know how I felt about the position and the culture fit if I never really told him? If I had shown more enthusiasm, marketed my abilities better would that have changed the outcome? Maybe, maybe not. I’ve never liked talking about myself all that much (although I will answer questions if people ask, and this problem doesn’t seem to pertain to me writing about myself)—I’ve always thought that vain and pretentious. But I can’t help but wonder if my aversion to that ended up costing me a job.

The Coldness that Ensued

The second conclusion that I arrived at is more speculative, but is still rooted in something I think is true. Let’s start with the second part first. This I can say rather definitively: the interviewer’s body language and tone changed at some point during our conversation, although I can’t pinpoint the exact moment. The interview ended up being a bit shorter than expected, he showed less interest in my answers in the later stages, and he barely made eye contact with me when I thanked him for the interview. I didn’t notice it in real time, but in hindsight, the temperature of the room had dropped in a metaphorical sense (physically the room felt stuffier the more I sweated). 

So the question in my mind then became, “What did I say wrong?” Unfortunately for me, I believe the answer that started to change everything for him was the one & only time I took a risk during the interview. I don’t remember what his question was exactly, but I had felt comfortable enough to go out on a limb and mention the novel that I was working on. Huge mistake! Not because it was irrelevant or a taboo topic, but rather because it got me talking and I ended up saying more than I should’ve. Maybe I could’ve gotten away with it if I had only touched upon it briefly. But I ended up lingering, and said something along the lines of, “I have a perfectionist gene in me. There are certain things that I want to get right.” 

I also vaguely recall giving a weird answer when he asked me, “What happens when you make a mistake? How do you address that?” I basically told him that I double check and triple check all my work so I don’t make that many mistakes. Goddammit… Why the fuck did I say that? While that statement might be true, I didn’t even answer his question or attempt to! He very clearly did not like that answer, because I remember that he frowned at that and then tried to rephrase the question. That’s obviously a bad warning sign, right? At that point I probably should’ve known that I had seriously jeopardized my chances, but I’ve never been all that great at reading body language or picking up on social cues. The details usually become much clearer to me after I’ve played the scene over in my head a few times. So in the moment, I thought I was framing myself as a hard worker who has great attention to detail. But intention is oftentimes not the same as interpretation, so that was most likely not how I came across. And that leads us to our second conclusion, which again is pure speculation. I suspect that these two answers changed his opinion of me, and he came away from this thinking that I was arrogant and conceited.

False Readings

Which I’d like to think is not an accurate depiction of me at all. But alas, I won’t have an opportunity to correct this misconception. I had one chance at making an impression, and I ended up making the wrong one. How do I know this? Because of the way he answered one of my questions at the end. I asked what an ideal employee looked like to him. His answer was rather lengthy but went something along these lines: “Someone who can work independently and with a team. Someone who isn’t afraid to make mistakes, but will take accountability when they do. Someone who’s willing to learn and shows enthusiasm. Someone who’s proactive…” In the moment, I thought he was describing me. But looking back, I don’t think that’s what he was doing in the slightest. Because he ended his monologue with, “A person that can’t accept criticism is not someone I want.” I’m pretty sure he was implying that he was looking for someone that was more humble and adaptable than I was—that I wasn’t the type of employee he wanted to manage. That he didn’t think that I was capable of being accountable. 

Well shit… That’s not fun. Not only do I feel like he had the wrong read on me, but it kinda feels like he was talking shit about me to my face but hiding it in subtext (I really don’t think I’m making a big leap on this). I guess this is where my stoicism is a major detriment. I’ve never been emotionally expressive (I kinda don’t know how to do that) and there’s usually not much inflection in my voice, so I understand that it’s difficult to get a proper feel for what type of person I am. That being said, you kinda have no choice but to go off of what I say. And boy did I say the wrong things… That’s kinda what I feared going into this. I was confident enough in my social skills, but public speaking is not one of my strong suits. In general, I don’t always express myself correctly or convey my thoughts properly—and it just gets worse the more nervous I am—which often leads to big misunderstandings or things getting lost in translation. I guess the silver lining from this is that he told me exactly what I needed to work on, but damn, he didn’t have to be so harsh…

There is No Second Chance

I guess that’s why first impressions matter! Because if you make the wrong one, especially in this context, chances are you won’t be able to correct it. Well, you live and you learn. Shit happens. Sometimes you get the job, sometimes you don’t. Maybe it’s cause of something you could’ve done/said better, maybe you’re not what they’re looking for, or maybe it’s just sheer dumb luck. Maybe things get misunderstood, misconstrued or misrepresented. Whatever the case, you’re going to have to figure out how to move on. Take the lesson(s) you’re supposed to learn and do things differently next time. But anyway, at this point, you’re probably wondering how this relates to the first six hundred or so words of this essay. It makes sense in my head, I swear! This stuff does connect, at least to me. 

False Assumptions

This was only the first of a handful of obstacles that nearly prevented us from attending the concert (the second was a flat tire, which I’ll get to later). Going into the search I was confident that I would find a job within 2-3 months. Coming out of this interview, I thought I had gotten the job. Wrong on both accounts! And I think that is the greater lesson to be learned: never be so certain. The job market is a finicky business. You never really know what an employer is thinking about or looking for in a candidate. The interview process could go well and that still doesn’t guarantee you the position. There are just way too many variables at play, so the result really isn’t something you can predict with any sort of accuracy. I know that now, and while I did know that before as well, I’d never fully internalized it. Which has made me far too confident in something I have no business being confident in. I keep acting like I know how things will shake out, which ill prepares me for the disappointment that ensues from another rejection or letdown. I should know better by now, but this is a mistake that I keep repeating, although it manifests itself in different ways.

Overcorrections From a Troubled Youth

This (over)confidence, like many things, seems to have stemmed from an overcorrection from my youth. Again, I won’t go too far in depth since this post is already much longer than intended, so we can condense my worldview back then to, “I can’t do anything right. No matter what I do, something can and will go wrong. I’m not capable of good things and I don’t deserve good things or happiness even.” Obviously this isn’t anywhere close to true. Everyone deserves to find love, passion, happiness, and fulfillment. And there isn’t any one thing you can do or say that will automatically disqualify you from such (whether you find what you’re looking for is a different matter entirely). But my depression had conditioned me into this defeatist attitude. I had so little faith in myself that my self-confidence was entirely non-existent. For the formative years of my young adulthood I didn’t think that I would amount to much. I tended to give up before I’d put in a legitimate effort, which resulted in me having such thin skin that I was wholly incapable of dealing with adversity. This lack of resilience only drove me deeper into my depression, meanwhile the depression continued to cloud my outlook on life. It was a cycle that I couldn’t find my way out of. So, while I hated myself for being depressed, it also felt like depression was my sole companion. I wouldn’t notice until a decade later that I was haunted by anxiety as well. 

With that said, those were some dark and lonely years. Ones that felt hopeless. Ones where I spent most days wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. I just didn’t see what the point of living was, considering the fact that I didn’t think I had anything meaningful to contribute to the world. I believed that I was destined to be a fuckup forever. I’d long since given up on myself by the time I reached the end of my teenage years. So all I was really doing back then was waiting for the world to end—hoping and praying for it to be soon. But even though I’d given up on myself; God or fate or destiny hadn’t. Eventually I found my way out of this tangled web, even though it took me roughly a decade and a half to do so. 

A Thousand Missteps

Long story short, my outlook on life changed, once I found healing in therapy. But this is where the overcorrection comes in. This healing process didn’t start until after I had already turned twenty-seven. That being said, I needed to undo two and a half decades worth of bad habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Early on in therapy, I had vowed never to reach such a low point in my life ever again. A respectable enough desire, but I went about it the wrong way, in some regards. To start with, it’s inadvisable to make absolute statements like this, because you never know what can happen. And on top of that, it caused me to hyper-focus on the emotions that I didn’t want to feel, which wasn’t inherently wrong, but like many things, I went too far with it. This proved to be an error in judgment because rather than finding positive ways to respond to various triggers, I was instead so intent on avoiding these situations in the first place that I lost sight of what we were even trying to accomplish (in therapy, in particular). Which if you think about it, was really no different than the running and hiding I’d done my entire life. The only distinction was that I started lying to myself about what I was doing. 

In essence, I had transitioned from one unhealthy coping mechanism to an entirely different unhealthy coping mechanism. Overcorrection at its finest. I guess you could say this came about due to improved self-awareness. Which to be honest was an extremely low bar to clear—if your self-awareness is non-existent there’s really only one direction it can go. In any case, at this point, I knew myself well enough to conclude that a “woe is me” mindset was a never-ending spiral that I didn’t want to go down. Of course, that much remains true. But how exactly did that help me? It didn’t change anything. All I was doing was telling myself something I already knew. I realize that now, but a few years ago I’d seen it as some sort of revelation. The logical approach then became making sure I was confident, maintaining belief in myself. Nothing wrong with that if we look at it from a results standpoint. 

A Faulty Process

But it starts to fall apart if you zoom in on the process I took to get there. If you know me, you know that I believe that the process is always more important than the results. It’s hard to have consistent success if you have a bad process—the results are harder to duplicate that way. When it comes down to it, that’s what you want, isn’t it? You don’t wanna get lucky just one time, right? Wouldn’t you rather have a set of steps you can rinse and repeat so that you can hit that high again and again? “Even a broken clock is right twice a day,” as they say. Again, that’s not good enough for me. I don’t wanna be a broken clock, I want to be better than that. I hold myself to a high standard and have certain expectations for myself (rightly or wrongly). Sustained success is what gives me the biggest confidence boost. I want to prove to myself more than anything that I am capable of what I set my mind to, that what I did wasn’t a fluke. I’m looking for consistency in order to achieve that. And to get that I need to keep fine tuning my process, keeping what works and throwing away what doesn’t, all in the name of efficiency.

For a while I thought my process was sound. But I wasn’t thinking about it objectively enough, because I’d been lying to myself. It didn’t become apparent to me until years later how flawed my process truly was. The “confidence” that I made sure I had was manufactured, in part. Not true confidence that came from gaining knowledge, experience or expertise. I’d gone overboard with the praise that I heaped upon myself internally. While it wasn’t ever anything that I said aloud, it still inappropriately factored into my approach. Since I was so dead set on avoiding the “woe is me” stuff, the immediate response was to puff myself up. The justification being, “I might not feel confident now, but if I keep telling myself that I can do it, eventually I’ll start to believe it.” Felt harmless at the time, and it probably was, but this was always supposed to be a short-term workaround for a longer term issue. 

Same Shit, Different Day

At the beginning I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew that these emotions that I forced upon myself weren’t real. But the tactic was one that had worked before in the past. Half a decade ago, I’d managed to pull myself out of a deep depression by convincing myself that I was happier or more satisfied than I actually was. At that point, I’d just started therapy a few months prior, so obviously that played a factor as well. But it was so early on in my mental health journey that I was not yet convinced that therapy would actually work—I didn’t yet trust it. That being said, let’s just give credit for the “victory” to the former rather than the latter, okay? Okay. Well anyway… I still wasn’t truly happy after that, but I wasn’t as distressed as I was before. At the very least I no longer felt like I was stuck at the bottom of an endless pit. So in my mind, what I did had worked. I guess the naive part of me thought that this would translate here as well. But I was using the same approach for a different problem. And eventually I lost control of the situation. My usually tempered ego led me astray. 

The Way the World Works

At some point in the last three years, I convinced myself that society functions as a meritocracy. Conditioned myself to believe that if I worked hard and did things the right way that everything would work out in my favor. It’s sound enough in theory, but like all things, it shouldn’t be used as an absolute. We really don’t have to look too far to see how big of a fallacy this is (no, I’m not going to go there). It isn’t a one for one cause and effect. Working hard does not automatically guarantee success. And laziness doesn’t automatically guarantee failure. Shit happens. Luck, good or bad, is real. Life isn’t always usually fair. It isn’t something you can predict. Things might go your way, things might not. For the past few years, this is something that I haven’t been able to accept or understand. All I needed to do was take a step back, and think through some of the things I’d learned in various sociology classes. I would’ve realized pretty quickly how misguided my belief was. Unfortunately, I failed to do that. Not until it was too late. 

A few sessions ago, my therapist framed my thinking as such: “you keep saying that this is what you’re going to do, and this is what is going to happen.” As someone who regularly repeats Jalenisms to himself (yes, I’m an Eagles fan. No, don’t fight me), this openly contradicts one of our core beliefs. One of his most notable quotes is, “Control what you can control.” So if we apply that to the statement above, what I do is within my control, but what happens after that is not. Seems pretty obvious, right? You can’t control how people react to what you say or do. You can’t make people like you (although you can certainly give them reasons to dislike you). You can’t force a company to hire you. There’s no way to guarantee engagement on your social media posts. You can’t directly influence traffic to your blog site. Outside reaction is a part of life that you have no say over. You can’t/won’t always get your way. As humans we’re individuals, which means that we all think and react differently. 

Oftentimes, that means that things won’t go according to plan. You might do one thing and expect certain results, but if outside factors are involved, you really can’t say for certain what can or will happen. So it goes without saying that trying to predict the future is futile. Nobody can do it. I mean I’m not saying anything profound, am I? This is like putting two and two together. But that’s exactly what I was doing: I was telling myself certain things to try to manifest my future… Sad to say, that’s no better than hoping and praying and wishful thinking. If only I’d realized this sooner. Maybe that would’ve helped me be better insulated for the disappointments. But alas, that’s not what happened. Time and time again, I did what my therapist accused me of. I’m guilty as charged. I kept telling myself and others that work ethic, self-belief, and confidence would get me to where I wanted to go. To achieve my wildest dreams all I had to do was believe. 

Nothing is Guaranteed

While that may still come to pass, that’s greatly oversimplifying the situation. That’s just not how things work. Putting your head down and grinding is a great way of putting yourself in a position to succeed, but it guarantees nothing beyond that. You focus on what you can control, but after that it’s out of your hands. Like I said, that’s the part that I wasn’t internalizing. You can’t just ignore the fact that external factors exist. Doing so only sets you up for failure, which can then lead to setting unreasonable and unrealistic expectations. Something I have more than my fair share of experience with. I think that’s why these last two years have been so tough for me. Because nothing ever seems to go the way that I envisioned.

No One to Blame, but Me

But I have no one to blame but myself. I have to own up to it. After all, I’m the one that made the decisions that I made. I’m the one who quit his job on a whim. I’m the one who didn’t start looking for a job until this year. I’m the one who set unrealistic expectations. No one forced me to do any of this. Out of all the mistakes I’ve made, the two that I keep making are setting any sort of expectation in the first place, and fantasizing about where I might end up. That’s the classic definition of putting the cart before the horse. Instead of focusing on the here & now, I keep looking too far ahead—thinking about what if. What if this pans out? What if that hits? That’s where I have to learn how to stop myself. As fun as it is to picture the way that it might play out, it’s not a productive or effective use of my time. Because it doesn’t adequately prepare me for the possibility of things not working out. I think I finally get that now. I have to find my way back to reality. I can’t keep living in this idealized world where external factors and consequences don’t exist. It’s been two years of setting myself up for failure and disappointment. I’m finally saying enough is enough. However, a large part of me wonders if it’s too little, too late. 

Confidence Lost in Existential Crisis

I’ve already lost much of the confidence that came from improving my craft. My mental health, that had been stable for so long, is already teetering on the brink again. I’ve already been out of work for more than three and a half years, and in this economy, with my luck, I don’t know when that will change. So where does that leave me? What do I do next? The honest truth is I don’t know. What I had been staking my identity on no longer feels real or foundational. Where does my true confidence end, and where does the delusion begin? I still wanna make the writing thing work, but how? It’s not the quick fix or lucrative career that Hollywood portrays it as. Hopefully my series will get published one day, but I have to accept the possibility that it might never happen. This might just be a pipe dream. So what happens if it never sees the light of day? Will I still find satisfaction and fulfillment in what I’ve done? This is a question that used to have a simple answer, but now I’m not so sure. Obviously, the first thing I have to do is finish writing the novel. That said, I’m starting to wonder if there’s even a point to all this. 

This isn’t the first time nor will it be the last time I’ve had an existential crisis. But it’s hard for me to count my blessings or see my worth when it feels like I’m no closer to reaching my goals. It’s hard for me to see the good in life when it seems like it’s been so long since anything has gone right. But I have to find a way to lock back in. If I don’t, I’ll spiral out worse than I already have. I can’t afford to do that, I know that much. My life might feel like it’s stalled out, but I can make a comeback. There’s still plenty of time for me. After all, I’m only thirty-four not sixty-four. I had focus and determination once, why can’t I have it again? I just need to push myself harder than I have the past few months. 

Close to the End

For the last year or so, I’ve been closer to the end of the novel than I’ve been to the beginning. I’ve edited my manuscript from front to back at least four or five times. The writing is polished to a quality that I feel proud of. So why can’t I finish it? What’s stopping me? That’s a question that I’ll need some time to think through. I know I have some sort of mental block, but it no doubt goes deeper than that. While I’m at it, I also need to re-evaluate what I’m doing this for. I need to consider more possible outcomes than I’ve done previously. Even if I never see a dime from this, isn’t finishing the novel still a worthwhile pursuit? Isn’t writing still a hobby I can be passionate about and find fulfillment from? Getting published is still the dream, is it not?

If the answer to any of these questions is, “Yes,” then that means I need to work my ass off to get it done already. Without a finished product I can’t go anywhere with this, let alone achieve the milestones that I want to achieve. Rather than complaining about how slow my writing process is or making excuses for my writing, shouldn’t I just be putting my head down and getting to it? The hard work will pay off eventually. At a minimum, it’ll give me satisfaction and bragging rights. I’ll be part of the select few that have been determined enough to finish a manuscript—that’s not nothing. Obviously, monetary compensation for time spent is what every aspiring author is looking for at the end of the day. But it doesn’t always happen. That’s the simple truth. That’s reality. Only a handful of published authors will earn enough from writing alone to make a living. So who am I to believe that I’ll someday be part of this elite group? Isn’t that just a foolish hope fueled by idealistic optimism? Maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t. I have to learn to accept the outcome, come what may. 

Back to the Beginning

In the meantime, that means I have to find an alternative way to make a living (ironically, “alternative” in this instance actually means traditional). Which brings us back to the job search. Regardless of what happens with my writing, I still need a job, don’t I? I’d have to be crazy to tell you no. I’m not that delusional (any more). In order for me to get anywhere remotely close to where I want to go, I have to start earning a steady income again. That’s just adulting 101. Everyone needs to work, that’s a function of modern society. It likely means I have to go back to the types of roles that I have experience with, such as customer service and data entry. I don’t have a problem with that. I tried a career change and it didn’t work out. Why not go back to something that I know that I’m good at, where I’ve proven my quality of work?

Easier said than done, of course. The two “real” jobs I’ve had are both related to apparel. Unfortunately for me, those are not the listings I’ve been coming across. That tells me that this is not an industry that’s hiring right now. That’s alright. I have translatable skills. At least I thought I did… But it hurts my ego every time I apply for a job that I thought I was qualified for, only to be rejected pretty quickly. It makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with my resume, although I’m fairly certain there is not (not format-wise anyway. I acknowledge that lack of experience and gaps in my resume do exist, and are potential issues, but that’s not something I can change at the moment). I know I have to keep at it until an interview and an offer comes through, but it’s tough. By no means are my difficulties unique to me, however, so I’m not going to sit here and mope about how badly things are going for me—things are going badly for everyone. There are multiple reasons for why now is not a good time to be looking for a job, some more obvious than others. 

Too Far Gone

How could I let it get this far? Well the truth is I let it happen one day at a time… These are the things I feared might come to pass when I was looking ahead last November. These are the things I feared in 2021 when there wasn’t a peaceful transition of power. I had years to contemplate what my next move would be after I quit my job. Where was the urgency? Why didn’t I have any foresight? Why didn’t I apply more pressure on myself? I should’ve set a hard deadline so that I could get out in front of all this. But look at me, I’m job searching in an unstable economy along with millions of other people. Was I really that delusional to think that I would never need to rejoin the workforce? Did I really think that writing would be a cash cow that would change my life forever? Yes I was, and yes I did. 

And I bought into those delusions for far too long. Yes, I acknowledge that the time off allowed me to hone my craft. The quality of my writing is high level, I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that nor am I being boastful. The change in quality from the first version of my manuscript to the current version is tangible. None of that would’ve been possible without the attention, time, and focus I gained when I exited the workforce. I can sit here and acknowledge the benefit of all that. But at the same time, I can’t help but feel like I wasted time and waited too long. How different would things be if I had been more realistic with myself in 2023? 

Mistakes Already Made

But the past is the past. I made those mistakes already, and now I have to suffer the consequences. Whatever happened to “being kind to your future self?” Isn’t that something you used to say, Justin? Safe to say I haven’t been kind to myself—future or present—in a long time. If I had been I wouldn’t have been lying to myself this whole time. Wouldn’t have been puffing up my confidence or laying it on a shaky foundation. Wouldn’t have tried so hard to convince myself that hard work was enough. How could I be so naive? God, I hope I’m able to learn how to be more realistic, really learn it. It’s high time I figured this shit out. 

But where to start? How do I regain the confidence that’s been so fleeting? I think I speak for everyone when I say that the more confident I am, the better I perform. The more confident I am, the better equipped I am to handle rejection or adversity. I mean duh, that’s kinda how it works… So where do I find it? Where do I find the confidence that I’ve been missing? It already feels like I’m running on empty. The longer I have to wait for an opportunity, the more that already depleted tank will continue to drain. Not something I can afford. I’m already discouraged enough as it is. But I have to pull myself out of this tailspin. I need to put an end to this quarter-life crisis. It’s already gone on long enough. 

At the very least, I know what ending it looks like. I know what life should look like once I’m back on my feet. I’ll be gainfully employed. I’ll have financial freedom. I’ll be self-sufficient. I’ll be in my next phase of adulthood—married and a step closer to parenthood, owning a house, all of that. That’s where I’ve wanted to be for years. But a lack of steady income has prevented me from progressing that far. That needs to change. And quick. Four years can easily become eight years if I’m not careful. 

It Starts Now

But before I start looking too far ahead, how do I get there? I’ll have to start with the little things. Try counting my blessings again. Being grateful for all the good that happens, big or small. Not being so hard on myself. Finding confidence in my strengths and abilities, while being extremely careful not to overstate my competence and worth. I’m going to try not to make the same mistake again. This time around, I’m going to build myself up the right way. Use a solid foundation as the base for my confidence. Making sure that it isn’t a delicate house of cards that could crumble at any second. At some point I’ll find my way out of this rut. It’s not the first time I’ve found myself here, nor will it be the last time. But it’s imperative that I take the steps necessary to prevent me from getting back here too soon.

I just need to get my groove back. Find the confidence to get me back into a productive mode. Find the calm mental head space that I was once in. Find some determination to push me forward. Perhaps it means doing a gratitude journal again. Or being more consistent with my poetry. Or being stricter with my writing schedule. Whatever it is, I just need to start with something small.

There are things to be proud of. There are things to be happy with. I was able to still enjoy my summer even though the job search wasn’t going well. We went camping. We went hiking. We went to the beach multiple times. We went to several concerts, even if we did get a flat tire along the way for one of them. There was light traffic on the highway when a six-inch railroad spike went through my tire. Luckily it happened fifteen minutes from our hotel, and there was enough air left in it to get us there. Is that not something to be grateful for? It could’ve happened anywhere on our two-hundred mile route, but it happened close to our destination. We ended up having to walk from our hotel to the venue, but we were still able to see the show! If things had happened any differently we would’ve missed out. Things could’ve been worse. 

And I think that’s the way I need to see things right now. Yes, I’m trying to better my situation. But things aren’t going to change immediately. Control the controllables. Control my effort. Control my productivity. That’s all I can do at the moment. The only way I’ll finish my manuscript is by writing it one sentence at a time. Focus on what I do daily and it’ll come together sooner rather than later. Focus on the job search, but don’t look too far ahead. All I can do is apply and wait. The rest is out of my hands. That’s the unfortunate truth. Fantasizing over it isn’t worth the pain that it causes. Things aren’t great right now, but they could be worse.