“Life is what you make of it.” A statement that I’ve gone back and forth on for years. When I was younger, it was a phrase that limited me, held me back. It added extra pressure in ways that weren’t beneficial. As a depressed teenager, this was one of my main trigger phrases. C’mon you know them. Things like, “just be happy,” or “look on the bright side,” or “you’ll be okay.” All phrases that are seemingly harmless to the neurotypical, but from the outside looking in, you have no idea how damaging such phrases can be to the neurodivergent, even if your intentions are pure (yes, I know that depression and anxiety aren’t traditionally counted among the neurodivergent, but I beg to differ). 

Deep down, I knew that these statements all had a grain of truth to them, but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear at all. The truth is I was already too psychologically unstable for any of this stuff to resonate. By the time my mom started throwing these phrases at me in my later high school years, it was already too late. I had already closed myself off to the world. Put up my barriers. Conditioned myself to expect the worst. Convinced myself of my worthlessness. I had zero belief in myself or my ability. So how could you say those things to me? How could you tell me that life is what you make of it, if I didn’t think I was capable of doing anything worthwhile? How could you tell me to just be happy, if I no longer remembered what happiness felt like? How could you tell me to look on the bright side, if I felt like the bright side had already passed me by?

I was already too blinded by my pessimism. Too worn down by life’s struggles to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was hard for me to see a way through when my mind was clouded by the darkness inside. It was hard for me to believe that the sun would shine again, when I was under a perpetual rain cloud. So, it really didn’t matter how true these statements were (or weren’t), there was no getting through to me in my emotional state. And that’s part of the reason why things never really got better for me for the longest time—because my perspective on life hadn’t changed. I was trying to do things differently while maintaining the same thought process. Which, I’ve learned the hard way doesn’t often work out. If you want real change in your life, you can’t be half-in/half-out. You’re either committed or you’re not.

Of course, I’m oversimplifying it quite a bit, but think about it. If you lack commitment or if you’re not serious enough about wanting to change, you’re not going to do everything within your power to see that happen. It’ll be easier for you to make excuses or justify bad habits by saying, “but that’s the way I’ve always done it.” Easier to revert to old ways. Easier to give up when the going gets tough. In order to move onward and upward, you need to be able to look at your life holistically and determine what needs changing and what doesn’t. It’s hard to do that without changing your perspective. That’s not to say that it can’t be done, only that it makes it more challenging. You do, however, have to look at it on a case by case basis. In my case, I was doing myself a disservice by putting obstacles in my own way. By not committing to change I was only setting myself up for failure. By not changing my perspective I was only delaying healing and progress. 

Some people are born with confidence, or an innate desire to strive for better, or are naturally able to self-motivate and push themselves without any outside influence. Some people need to be taught these things. Some people need outside motivation to start the ball rolling. And some people are able to discover all of this on their own, but it might take some time. None of these approaches is inherently wrong, just different. As I’ve said before, each person has their own unique story to tell. No two people are blessed with the exact same gifts. No two people have the same weaknesses or face the same adversity. As such, each person goes through different stages of their lives at their own pace. At some point in your life you’ll have to learn to accept this.

The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be able to start figuring out how to navigate through life. It feels like we’re way too hard on ourselves sometimes. We beat ourselves up for mistakes that we’ve made. We don’t show ourselves enough patience or compassion. We see others thriving or making something of themselves, and we ask ourselves, “why am I such a loser,” or “what’s wrong with me,” or “why do I suck?” Instead of thinking about the steps that we need to take to get us there, we self-deprecate. We question our worth. We start doubting ourselves and our abilities. And it feels natural for us to do so! But this is an unhealthy way of thinking, and one that you need to try to break out of as soon as you can. You wouldn’t say such things to your friends or treat them that poorly. So why are you doing it to yourself? Show yourself some grace, and stop comparing yourself to others! Each situation is different, and as such, results will vary.

Easier said than done, as with all things. But you’ll feel better for it. Instead of comparing yourselves to others, compare who you are now to who you were then. I can guarantee you that there’s been some changes along the way—some good, some bad. Embrace them and rejoice in them. Each day is different. Some days will feel like a step in the right direction, some days won’t. But you can’t let a bad day ruin your week or your month or your year. Think about what you’re passionate about, and plant a purpose or goals in your mind. Figure out what you want to do in life, and go from there. And focus on controlling what you can control, which are namely your effort, consistency, drive, and discipline. If you can maintain your effort and consistency, drive and discipline will come in time. Remember that you can’t control how people react, you can only control what you put out. Once you embrace that, it’ll be easier for you to put your head down and get to work. But that will require you to develop a thicker skin, to build up some mental fortitude.

All that will come in time, and with experience. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to face your adversity head on. Which will hurt in the moment, but you’ll be better off in the end. Take it from me. As we’ve discussed before, I used to shut down when faced with adversity. I tried to run or hide every time, but I was only delaying the inevitable. The running and the hiding would only end up taking me so far. Ignoring my problems didn’t make them diminish or go away. In fact, it actually made them worse, far worse. It took years of therapy to break down my bad habits. To rid myself of my unhealthy way of thinking. To undo the harm I did to myself psychologically. It took even longer than that to change my perspective. To discover my passion. To find happiness. To build up confidence. 

It turns out that my mom was right after all. All I needed was a different perspective. But it was much much harder than she had made it seem. It wasn’t something that could be changed at the drop of a hat. It wasn’t something that would just click right away. It took a lot of effort and discipline. And I needed to condition and recondition myself in order to have a healthier mindset. But I was able to do it in the end. I came out of all of this stronger and more equipped to deal with whatever life throws at me. I’ve finally come to a place that I feel really good about. I’m excited about where I am and I’m motivated to continue to try to get to where I wanna go. 

And I want the same thing for you. I want to see you thrive. I want to see you pursue greatness. We were put here on this earth to build others up, not tear others down. Success breeds success. Positive energy is contagious. Surround yourself with individuals who are trying to be better versions of themselves each and every day, and soon you’ll see yourself wanting to do the same. Encourage each other, and eventually you’ll be able to get to where you want to go, together. We were all meant for great things in life. We are all more than capable. We are all talented and skilled in our own ways. No one was brought into life, destined to be mediocre. You can change your “fate.” Your life does not follow a script. You are in control of your life, your life is not in control of you.

Adversity. Challenges. Difficulties. Tough times. Rough days. They’re all a part of life. Everyone goes through them, but each person is given a unique set of circumstances. But these circumstances do not define or constrain you. You can change the narrative—you just have to to commit to it. Life isn’t about what you go through, but how you deal with it. Your adversity does not make you who you are, your fight does. I promise you you’ll come out of it stronger. It won’t be easy, but you’ll make it through—I have faith in you. It’ll be a tough road to get to greatness, but anything worth doing will cost you blood, sweat, and tears. The tough times aren’t setbacks, they’re just growing pains.