Oftentimes I think about death. I think about how much easier life would be without life. I can’t help it sometimes. Life is just so damn hard. It’s just challenge after challenge, struggle after struggle, and at some point you just want to get out of the monotony. Experience life as its meant to be. Find some sort of joy in living. But we have to live through the difficulty of constantly striving for better, aiming for higher each time. It weighs on you. It’s hard to push forward when it feels like nothing you do is fulfilling. You’re basically treading water and barely.

It’s hard to carry on, when you don’t care. The amount of apathy I possess is incredible. It’s been years since I’ve felt peace, happiness, and joy. It’s been years since I’ve truly been happy with where I’ve been in life. It’s becoming increasingly harder for me to give a fuck, and it’s not hard to imagine. Work sucks. Girls suck. My life sucks. I rely on marijuana and alcohol because it temporarily removes me from thinking too much.

And that’s a good thing. Cause when I think too much, I wallow. When I wallow, I get depressed. When I get depressed, I get apathetic. When I get too apathetic, I get in my own way and block myself from blessings.

What even is the meaning of life? It seems to me like it’s just a constant climb to the top. You just work and work for that promotion. Then you work and work so that you can get a more lucrative job. Work up for a promotion, then work up for a new job. Rinse & repeat until you retire. What kind of existence is that? Does that really make anybody happy? I just can’t seem to see the appeal in it, especially if you don’t have an SO or a family. Like what even am I living for, if it’s not to share my life with somebody?

Life is terrible, and I’m really hurting. But who can I tell? A mother can only do so much. Friends can only say so much. Siblings can’t always be there for you. A therapist only listens. That leads me to believe love & companionship is absolutely required for someone to live a fulfilling life. Being in a relationship is essential. But finding love is just so damn hard, let alone finding “the one.” Every failed attempt at romance makes you wanna die inside. Makes you wanna scream. Every opportunity that comes up makes you think two things, “what if she’s the one?” and “what if this doesn’t work, and if it doesn’t work will this be my last chance?” You have to think that eventually you’ll run out of chances. It’ll be too late to start a family, too late to be a father, too late to be a lover.

And that’s a depressing and sobering thought. Every year that passes by, justly or unjustly warrants a thought of “another year gone. Another year that I’m single.” Let me tell you, it’s not a good feeling, especially when it’s something that you’ve experienced before. How long do you have to keep going through the motions? How long do you have to keep telling yourself, “oh well. Onto the next one” before you find the next one, or find “the one?” That’s what I’d like to know. A lot of people believe that there is someone out there for everyone. But my question, is when will I meet her? I’ve been ready. Please girl, any girl, come into my life. I can’t last much longer without human touch.

I think about how much people will miss me when I’m gone. I think about who would even care. And the thing is I know that people care. But does it really matter when there isn’t a love you can call your own? I’ve been hurt in the past, but I’m ready to come back. I’ve been ready to take the next step, but with who?

Negativity breeds negativity. So now it’s time to cut the poison out of my life. Stop letting the negative thoughts fester. I need to keep positive and keep faking it until I make it. I’ve gotta motivate myself to strive for better, cause if I don’t I’ll get stuck in a wheel of mediocrity, and that is definitely no way to live. I’ve gotta get myself out of my situation, or I’ll end up drowning in a sea of regret and never reach my potential.

I can be a great worker, a great lover, a great friend. But only if I keep pushing myself when the going seems tough. I need to find my own way cause no one will support me if I don’t support myself. One day, I’ll win. One day.

So Brooke quit… But I did get a chance to talk to her on her last day. I felt like we had a good enough conversation where I could friend her on Facebook. I messaged her on Monday saying, “hey Brooke, let’s hang out sometime.”

Her response was, “Hey! Definitely!! How was it today without me lol.” All fine and good! Couldn’t have asked for a better response. Started out strong for once! But I forgot how difficult it is to talk to girls, and it seems to be especially difficult talking to her. I’ve been trying to get her to open up, but she doesn’t have Messenger so it’s slow going. But maybe, that’s just an excuse I’m making up. Maybe she’s not that interested in me. Maybe she’s not looking for much if anything at all. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m fucked up over her. I was so nervous before I messaged her that I almost threw up. I washed the dishes, smoked a bowl, drank a beer, and took a shower just so I wouldn’t be so preoccupied about checking my phone. She messaged me back and I was SO HAPPY.

But it’s like I always set myself up for major disappointment. I have a habit of going all in no matter what. Either I don’t give a shit at all, or I go overboard. I’m prone to jumping the gun, and I don’t want to do that. She’s special. I can’t put my finger around it, but there’s just something about her that’s made me fall in love.

How do you fall in love with someone you barely know though? How do you get your heart broken by someone that you’ve barely talked to? It’s happened to me twice. I don’t know this girl, but I want to, and it pains me deeply. Am I just setting myself up to fail? Am I misjudging the situation and making the wrong word choices? In a way, I feel like I’m friendzoning myself. We’ve talked about work and looking for work, but I want to talk about her. I want to know what a day in the life of Brooke is like. I want to know what she’s feeling. I want to know what she wants to do and what she plans to do. I don’t care about being coworkers with her again. I want to be her lover, her companion, and her friend. I don’t know what it is, but perhaps I’ve gone too far mentally and emotionally.

How do I entice her to talk to me more? I want to know all about her, and take her everywhere I go. I love this girl, but, I ask again, how?! I worked with her for 7 months, and only had a handful of conversations with her. She is so damn cute and so damn pretty. I can’t get over it. French Montana has a song called “Unforgettable” and literally this is what Brooke is to me. Unforgettable. I can’t keep her off my mind.

I tried and I failed. Tried and I failed. When I heard that she was leaving I was devastated. I was so bummed out that I immediately went home after hanging with another coworker, stayed up all night and binge watched 13 Reasons Why. That show is incredibly depressing but that wasn’t the only reason why I was crying that night.

After it was pointed out to me that this was the best time to pursue her, I kept running through the same scenario in my head for those two weeks. And each opportunity I had, I fucking bitched out and didn’t approach her. It wasn’t until her last day when my coworker started talking to her, that I realized that I needed to do it. I couldn’t get her off my mind. And now, after we started “talking” I still can’t get her off my mind. Every passing second, I’m hoping that a notification pops up on my phone that says, “Brooke messaged you.” And I’m let down every time. She’ll message me, but sparsely.

Maybe she’s scared, just like me. But I think I’m ready. I’m willing to go all in with her, and you can literally count on one hand how many people I’ve said that about since my last relationship. But how to give off the right vibe? Logic says not to rush it, but ones heart always tells you different. I don’t want to come on too strong, that’s the number one thing I’m afraid of. But if I’m too weak, then I won’t stand out. That’s where I’m at right now. Every moment that I’m not talking to her breaks my heart just a little bit, and I know that it shouldn’t cause I barely know the girl. But goddammit if Katy Perry wasn’t right when she said, “you love who you love.” There’s something magical about her. She’s like a Disney princess, and I want her to be mine.

“Man Up”

A phrase that I’ve never liked. As if saying those words will evoke an action/response. As if such an action or inaction makes you less manly. I hate those two words. It’s akin to saying, “bitch, get over yourself and just do it.” But I need those to resonate in my brain. Cause my inaction is literally killing me. It’s not like I’m even asking myself for much. All I need to do, all I want to do is just talk to her on a regular basis. In order to do that, I need to say hi to her, make small talk, ask her about her vacation/weekend. Whatever. That’s it.

When I see her, I talk to her. It’s as simple as that. That’s the first step. Worry about getting her number, taking her out, all that shit later. Who cares if I jumble my words together? Who cares if I can’t get a complete thought out? A lot of people are awkward, a lot of people get over it and move on. At the very least I can say I tried. Who can I blame for missing an opportunity when I don’t take the opportunity? No one but myself. Just think it, and do it. Simple as that. She just came back from vacation. Ask her how it was, where she went. There’s almost no conversation starter that’s easier than this.

For the most part February 14th is just another day for me. Even when I was in a relationship it was just whatever to me. Probably because I never really went on a real date on this day. But regardless, I was thinking about it earlier and I just don’t really care for this day at all. Maybe I’m misunderstanding this, but you should celebrate your relationship every day that you’re in it. Cherish it for what it is. You don’t need a specific day to celebrate it. I’ve concluded that as much as I want to get with Brooke, I don’t really give a shit that I’m single. It is what it is. If something comes of it, then so be it. I guess I just don’t have the patience anymore to deal with bullshit. Not saying that I think that being with her would be more trouble than it’s worth, but I’m literally fine with it if she’s not into me. I honestly have no idea where she stands, and I don’t necessarily care to know. If she comes onto me, then I’ll go with it. But if she doesn’t, I don’t really give a fuck. Life goes on, nothing changes. Maybe I’m just too apathetic, but I’m literally ok with not knowing.

Falling for someone I can’t get. That seems to be the story of my life. It’s tough, but it is what it is. You know what they say, “you can’t fight love.” Sometimes you just love who you love.

I’ve grown accustomed to it. I guess I’m as comfortable with it as I can get. I get hung up on a girl for a little while, but I eventually get over it, and move on. I mean getting with them is most likely a non-zero chance, but at some point you have to decide whether or not it’s worth spending time on. I’ve probably wasted my time on several, but there are several more that I barely even gave a chance. I mean, for one, I thought they were outta my league. But it doesn’t mean that it’ll never happen. You don’t know that until you try.

So that leads me to Brooke. She’s super cute, pretty, and seems like a good girl. The thing is, I work with her, and I barely know her at all. So am I just fantasizing? Is she worth pursuing? I mean, she no longer has a boyfriend. She’s open game, do I just flirt with her a little bit and find out what it is? Or do I just leave it alone entirely? Are we both just waiting on the other to make a move? I don’t want to jeopardize anything at work, so I guess I’ll just leave it alone. Move onto a different girl. I guess I’m still afraid of commitment. I’m not ready to be hurt so deeply again, so I guess I’m no longer willing to take any risks.