As you’re well aware by now, I am in a perpetual holding pattern with no end in sight. I’m not going to get into it too much though because I’ve already talked about it at length. I don’t really have much more to say about it. There’s just simply nothing within my power that is guaranteed to change that. All I can do at this point is hope & pray. Until the right opportunity comes my way, this is how life is going to be. I can either be upset by it or accept it.

In the past, that’s something that’s discouraged me majorly. It’s caused me to lose focus, caused me to look ahead or look behind. Instead of focusing on my day-to-day and the here & now I would fantasize about the future or dwell on the mistakes of the past. Dreaming and reflecting are fine in moderation but overuse of either will only serve as distractions, taking away from what you can do to make each day better. Which is what should be the main focus. The present is the one thing that you have any amount of control over so should be what matters most. The past can’t be changed, and the future is unpredictable. These are both indisputable facts of life, as much as we try to act otherwise at times. 

Intuitively I’ve known this, but it’s become easy for me to lose sight of. I’m not as healthy mentally as I was three years ago. That’s a fact that I’m not afraid to admit. Some people may see this as weakness, but at the end of the day, you have to be honest and realistic with yourself. You’re doing yourself a disservice otherwise. Obviously, admitting fault, acknowledging your weaknesses, and/or taking the blame will probably make you look bad, which is why most people don’t like to do it. So doing it takes a lot of guts. It takes strength to point the finger at yourself and say, “maybe there were a few things I could’ve done better” or, “maybe there was a better way.” When it comes down to it, all we’re looking for is answers and solutions. The best way to find those is to keep an even keel. Balance, in other words… The key word for 2025 (and beyond). You don’t want to be too lenient on yourself, but at the same time you don’t want to be too harsh. You want to give yourself the proper amount of credit when it’s due, and also accept the proper amount of blame when necessary. Be wary. It’s easy to go too far to either side if you’re not careful.

Too much lenience may lead to justification of bad behavior, missed opportunities for growth, not taking the proper steps to improve, etc. Too much harshness may lead to lost confidence, increased self-loathing, and unfair self-criticism amongst other things. These things are equally damaging but manifest in different ways, and are to be avoided. These things end up being detrimental to your success. I don’t think I have to tell you that this is not what you want. You’re trying to be kind to your future self. In order to do that, you need to be setting yourself up for success, not doing things that get in the way of that. We’re on a quest for sustained excellence. In order to achieve that, you need to be constantly making micro adjustments. Good enough isn’t good enough. You cannot continue on an upwards trajectory if you remain stagnant. But again, this requires balance. Being stagnant is not always a bad thing, as long as it’s a temporary state of being—you cannot allow yourself to become stagnant forever. At some point you will need to continue on. Be grateful for all the steps you’ve taken to get to where you are, but also know that the journey isn’t over yet. Be comfortable with where you are in life, but also accept that things could also be better. If you keep both of these things in mind you allow yourself to have a proper appreciation for the day to day, while also striving for the best future possible. 

For me, one of the things that I’m always in search of is self-improvement. I’m trying to be a better version of myself each and every day. Some days are easier than others, but this is what I try to have my eye set on. It helps me stay focused, and keeps me pointed in the right direction. The best way to move onwards and upwards is to take it one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time, to keep looking forward. Your mileage may vary. Self-improvement doesn’t look the same for every person, and it doesn’t look the same every day. It could be gaining new knowledge, seeking out different experiences, trying out different hobbies, acquiring a skill, or honing a talent. It doesn’t really matter what it is (or how big or small), but it must be top of mind for you. In order for your circumstances to change or improve, you must be intentional about it. You must be open-minded. You must be willing to try things a different way if your way isn’t working. You must have the determination to continue grinding even when things get tough. Your circumstances won’t get better if you’re not putting in the effort. 

But unfortunately for us, growth and development isn’t always linear. Sometimes we need to make mistakes in order to learn our lesson(s). Other times, it could feel like you’re taking one step forwards, and two steps back. Occasionally, life blesses us with good fortune and we’re able to move forward without much adversity. This is obviously the ideal that we hope for, but it’s a bit of a rarity. It just isn’t always that easy. Life is tough and full of speed bumps and strange turns—that’s just how it is. Things aren’t always going to play out the way that you think they will. You need to be prepared for the possibility that things might not work out. You will need to learn how to temper your expectations so that you don’t keep setting yourself up for disappointment. Easier said than done, of course. But it’ll go a long way in keeping your confidence high. Which is an important element when it comes to growth. I can probably speak for most people when I say that things are much easier to cope with when my confidence is high. The disappointment doesn’t hit as hard. It’s not as easy to get discouraged. The self-doubts aren’t as loud. I’m able to put my head down and grind. I’m better able to keep my emotions in check—not get too high or too low. I feel like I’m more in control when my confidence is high.

One of the bigger problems for me is finding ways to keep that meter mostly full. Something that’s always been tough for me. Growing up as a shy and introverted kid, confidence usually came at a premium. And while this did eventually improve slightly in some areas, it remained a concern in many others. For the most part, if I was comfortable in a certain situation, the confidence wasn’t an issue. But if I wasn’t comfortable… Yeah, you get the picture. This remained mostly true until I started going to therapy. Learning how to be gentler on myself went a long way towards fixing that. That being said, confidence has not generally been a strong suit of mine. In hindsight, pursuit of an artistic endeavor was probably not the brightest idea then, seeing as how delayed gratification is very much the expected reward, which does not help with building confidence. But it was not something that could be helped. There was a story inside of me that was waiting to be written. The biggest regret would’ve been waiting so long that I never got around to writing it.

But now that I’m in the thick of writing it, the going has been slower than I anticipated. As I said earlier, things don’t always play out the way that you expect. This is proof of that. But I’m closer to the end than I am to the beginning (which has been true for about a year), so I really have no choice but to finish it. That hasn’t been an area of doubt for me in a long time. I’m going to finish this project no matter what it takes. But how much will it drain me by the time I get to the end? Unfortunately, in the world of art, until you have a completed project you won’t have anything to show the world, hence the delayed gratification. You very much need to take a process-oriented approach over a results-oriented one. Taking the latter opens you up to a lot of disappointment, especially if progress is slow. You therefore should stake your confidence in something aside from mere results. 

Finding what to stake it on is an answer that I have not yet come up with. I used to be focused on improving the quality of my writing. While that was a rather intangible goal, I was eventually able to achieve it. Seeing my writing slowly improve was something that kept me motivated and confident. It kept me moving forward and kept me focused. But what came after? For a while that wasn’t something that I had really thought about. Which is something that I regret. The thing about goal-setting is that it never ends. Once you reach a goal you need to set another one. That’s the only way you’ll get to where you want to go. But at the same time, you can’t just set goals for the sake of setting them. The goals that you set need to be realistic enough for you to achieve, and challenging enough that they push you towards greatness. They can’t be too easy but they also can’t be too hard. Too easy and you’ll be tempted to move the goal posts before you’re ready. Too hard and you might find that you’re feeling discouraged. It’s a delicate process that you don’t want to mess up.

Fortunately, even if you do mess up things are fixable. It’s just a matter of if you have the time and the patience to fix it. Sometimes you’re able to catch the mistake before it’s too late. But more often than not you find yourself wandering down a path that you maybe shouldn’t have wandered down. That’s kinda where I find myself now. When I quit my job I wasn’t quite honest with myself about my expectations for where my writing would take me. I took a leap that I probably shouldn’t have taken (not without a backup plan at least). But of course, hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t know how things would turn out. And if I hadn’t exited the workforce, would my writing have improved to where it needs to be? I have my doubts. That being said, I needed that time off. I needed time and focus spent solely on my craft. So on the one hand, I do not regret taking some time off to focus on my writing. But I just wish I had been more realistic with my goals and expectations. I needed to have some sort of plan to transition back into the workforce after a certain amount of time had elapsed. That would’ve saved me a lot of heartache. 

But it is what it is. Mistakes were made, and I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. All I can do is focus on the here & now. Focus on what I can do to make each day a little bit better. Unfortunately I can’t just change things with a snap. Everything takes time, so it’s imperative that I find one last ounce of patience. I need to continue working on the novel, and continue sending out job applications. Those are the only two things within my control at the moment. No use crying about it cause that won’t change anything. I just have to make the most of what I’m able to do. And then we wait, and hope for my big break. The right opportunity for me is out there somewhere, I believe that. I just have to stay patient. I’ll be ready for it when it comes. I just hope it’s sooner rather than later.