I think I owe you, my readership, an apology. I haven’t been as active on here as I want to be. I’m sure you’ve noticed that most of my recent posts have been poetry, and my blog entries have been few and far between. I have to admit that this long multi-post series has burnt me out to some extent. I’ve been writing about (or at least trying to) write about the same damn thing for so long that I’ve gotten kind of bored with it. I lost sight of where I’ve been trying to go. Directionless writing tends to leave you with your gears spinning in neutral, so we can just forget that for now. I will likely find my focus and finish it at some point, but I feel like I need to do something different. So here we go. 

I used to write a lot of poetry as a teenager and in my early 20s. In 2010/2011 there was a popular Facebook trend where people challenged themselves to post an artistic photo every day for a month or three months or a year. Photography had never been a strong suit of mine, so I had wanted to try something different—something I was better suited for. I decided to write poems. I drew inspiration from observing people and nature on my way to and from class. It was refreshing and gave me a different perspective on life. Up til that point (and a decade beyond), I had been extremely pessimistic. As you know, I wasn’t in a good mental headspace, and not in tune with my emotions. I was mad at the world. I hated myself. And I found it hard to count my blessings. It was easy to overlook the positive, and see only the negative. I was uptight, and judgmental. Opinionated but uninformed. Overall, not a particularly pleasant person to be around. But I didn’t know it, I lacked self-awareness. I was too caught up in my own head to open my eyes and see the world around me. 

Writing poetry allowed me to do that to some extent. Instead of finding new things to hate, I found things to appreciate. Birds for one. Trees for another. The smell of an autumn breeze. The sound of wind rustling through the leaves. A stray ray of sunshine peaking through the clouds. All these things I took for granted. All these things I hadn’t really noticed. They were just there, and to me, they would always be there. They didn’t mean anything to me, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t able to write about them. A lot of things in life can be faked. Appreciation for nature is no different. Faking it sounds bad, but it isn’t always. Sometimes it’s necessary in order for you to move on in life. Sometimes faking it is the only way for you to feel okay with your life trajectory. Sometimes it means tricking your mind into believing things that you can’t otherwise convince yourself to believe. 

I am a rational person. Logical and methodical. Things have to make sense in my head in order for me to function. It is a good character trait to have, but sometimes life calls for something different. I’ve said time and time again that one of the key elements to living a fruitful life is to have balance in all things. Being rational is good, but not all the time. Sometimes you need to show emotion, be spontaneous or impulsive. Not every decision needs to be well thought out. If you’re overly rational all the time, you risk missing out on impromptu moments that can’t be experienced any other way. If you’re not rational enough, you open yourself up for delusional thought or misguided actions. 

This is something that I have worked on and am still working on. Spontaneity will never be a strength of mine, I understand that. But it’s something that I need to embrace. I can’t always plan things out weeks in advance. Life doesn’t always give me that option, so I need to learn to adapt. However, adapting is easier said than done. Sometimes I feel lost if I don’t have my rational thought. True, it’s generally better for you in the long run. Making deliberate decisions (especially when it comes to finances) will afford you better control over your life. But often the counter to rationality is gratification—more specifically instant gratification. It’s often believed that the freer you are with your decision making and looser you are with your wallet the more fun you will have. You can make a decision that will pay off later, or you can indulge now. I won’t deny that there is some merit to that argument, but I wouldn’t go so far as to label it a universal truth. Not many things in life are. The world doesn’t operate in absolutes, despite how often they try to teach us otherwise. They want us to believe that everything is black or white, but that oversimplifies things. 

It has been some time since I’ve been in school though, so maybe things are starting to change. I don’t think it’s crazy to say that the way kids are taught now is not the way that I was taught. Culture has changed. Society has changed. Expectations and beliefs have changed. Growing up it used to be male or female, heterosexual or homosexual, good versus evil. That was how we were taught, that was how we were raised. It’s safe to say that this isn’t the way that kids are raised these days, judging from social media and Hollywood depictions of this generation. Everything seems to be on a spectrum nowadays. We operate on a sliding scale. I think we’re better for it. Classifying things as black or white turns situations into us versus them, leaving no room for deviance. It limits people into groups A or B, leaving no room for anything else. What if we’re both; what if we’re neither? What then? 

I have always been an outcast. I likely always will be. I’m fine with that. I am comfortable with myself. I like who I am, and where I’m going. Of course, it wasn’t always like that. It took a lot of hard work. Years of therapy fixed me, but it didn’t change me. Who I became through my efforts had always been there, hidden deep. It just took a key to unlock it. I didn’t change who I was, I merely gained confidence in my abilities and realized who I could become. In order to do that, I needed to know who I was. I needed to better understand what my role was in the grand scheme. I needed to understand the purpose that I served. Everyone has a role in life. We were all meant to make an impact—great or small, positive or negative. We are all cogs in a machine. 

However, we all play a different role. No two people are the same. No two people serve the same purpose. That’s something that I had trouble understanding growing up. I saw other people’s success and I envied them. I wanted to be like them and do the same things that they did. It didn’t matter if the pursuit wasn’t well-suited for me. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, without regard for potential consequences or possible outcomes. Unfortunately, the image of my heroes was all I could think about. I didn’t have the time or energy to spend on the work I needed to do to be like them. My outlook was short-sighted. I saw the starting point and I saw the destination, but I never paid attention to the journey. This proved to be a hindrance for many years to come. Anything is attainable—your dreams are within reach—but only if you work hard and invest the requisite time and energy. No surprise then that I wasted a decade of my life putzing around. I didn’t know any better though. It was easy for me to self-deprecate and diminish my own accomplishments. I didn’t think very highly of myself. I didn’t believe in myself and I had no confidence in my abilities. 

If you don’t believe in yourself, then who will? If you don’t love yourself, then  who will? If you don’t think that you can succeed, then who will? You can’t expect things to go well in your life if you don’t have faith. If you don’t think that you will succeed, then you won’t. It’s as simple as that. Self-fulfilling prophecies aren’t a myth. There’s no tangible evidence to prove it, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t see it in action. The world sees your energy and it replicates it. If you have trouble seeing the good in life and only focus on the negative, then bad things will keep happening to you. Negative energy will lead to negative results. What you get out of life is what you put into it. Karma is real. Vibes are real. Energy is real. Optimism is contagious, but so too is pessimism. When it comes down to it, the way someone experiences life centers on their mindset.

Unfortunately, it’s easy to get stuck in an unproductive mindset. Our brains are still developing into our mid to late 20s. We’re treated like adults, but we’re not yet fully formed. We’re expected to grow up, but we aren’t fully grown. It’s a hard thing to reconcile, but that’s what college is for. It gives young adults a chance to mature before they’re thrown out into the real world. Having a college degree doesn’t necessarily guarantee us a high-paying job. Contrary to popular belief, that’s not the greatest impact higher education has. Its greatest impact is teaching us how to become independent. We’re given more responsibility and more freedom at the same time, while the stakes are relatively low. However, I would be remiss not to mention that college isn’t for everyone. I’ve said it before, and my stance hasn’t changed. Don’t mistake this as a handbill pushing youths towards college. That’s not my intent. That is to say that I would’ve been utterly lost and aimless without college. It afforded me four-and-a-half years to get my mind right before I jumped in. And even then, my mind wasn’t fully right or healthy, but at least it was on its way.

Breaking bad habits is hard. Especially when you’re a young adult trying to figure out the way of the world when your brain is still developing. I’m not saying anything groundbreaking here. It takes constant attention and training. It takes dedication and intention. Circumstances won’t change unless you will yourself to change. That’s the bottom line. Things rarely happen on their own. Sure, there might be good omens or good luck here and there, but it doesn’t last. If you want to grow as a human being, if you want to improve and expand your skillset, you need to work at it. You need to put your all into every endeavor. You don’t half-ass things. You don’t make excuses. You do. Simple as that. You set your eyes on a goal(s) and you keep advancing towards it. When you reach your goal, you set a new one. Your career has only milestones, it has no endpoint. 

Your achievements—big or small—mean something. They’re not to be taken lightly. Don’t downplay your skill level. Don’t talk badly about yourself all the time. Self-deprecation is fine in moderation, but don’t start to believe the lies you tell yourself for humility or humor’s sake. Learn to love yourself. Self-love more than anything will help you to achieve everything you’ve dreamed of and more. Your mental health matters. If you need to take a step back from a relationship or friendship to focus on getting your mind right, then do so. If you need to quit a toxic work environment to get your mind right, then do so. If you need to distance yourself from your parents or siblings to get your mind right, then do so. 

It’s hard, I know. We don’t like to admit that we have flaws or weaknesses. We don’t like to admit that sometimes we need to cancel plans because we don’t feel up to it. We might be drained mentally or emotionally, but we’re scared to let others see. Don’t be. We are all humans, and we all go through things. We all have moments when solitude is all that we ask for. We might feel guilty for making up a shitty excuse, but sometimes you just need to be alone. Take that time. Make the effort to make sure that your mind is healthy. Sometimes it’s hard to love yourself. I’ve gone through moments of deep self-loathing too. I understand your pain. 

But you have to rid yourself of that mindset. It does you no good. Start small. Count your blessings each and every day. If you can’t find things to be thankful for or proud of, then think in general terms. You woke up today. You have a place to live. You have food to eat. You have a job. You have family; you have friends. That’s more than some can say. You may not love yourself yet, but you will get there in time. Fake it til you make it. Remind yourself of what you have already. Remind yourself that you are loved. It may not be from yourself. It may not be from people around you, but someone out there loves you and cares about you deeply. Remind yourself of this every single day. Eventually the love may come from within. But until that time comes, you can fake it. It’s okay.