Art, Dreaming, Mental Health

Who I Am > What I Do

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First day of the rest of my life. The world is my oyster. One door closes, another one opens. These are all things that people say, right? Well, in my case I don’t know if you would be able to find a more apt phrase. It’s done. I’m finished. I’ve retired! At the tender age of 30, I have voluntarily left the work force with no intention of returning. I’m taking a leap of faith. I trust in my ability. I’m confident in my decision. I promised you a story in my last post, so here we go. I am free! They say that “when you know, you know,” or “you’ll know when the time comes.” Well the time came, and I wasn’t about to let it pass me by.

It was time to quit. It was time to leave. I was ready for the next thing, to start a new chapter. Well here we are. I’m taking on the next thing, I’m starting a fresh chapter. I am now a full time writer! I said it once, but I’ll say it again and again until I start believing it. I have to reframe my ambitions, reframe my mindset, reframe my life trajectory. I was saying things like “on the road to funemployment,” or “I quit with nothing lined up.” But neither of these statements are fundamentally true. I’m done with the office, but I still have work to do. I’m no longer working for someone else, but I am working for myself. I’m doing my own thing. I’m off on my own. Writing is what I do, being a writer is who I am. I might not be getting paid for it at the moment, but that doesn’t alter the fact that I AM A WRITER. That there is fundamental truth. To sit here, and say that I’m not pursuing my dreams, to say that I’m not chasing my ambitions would be creating a false narrative. My career path may not be traditional, but it was never supposed to be. I was and am different, and forever will be. 

Even as a young kid, I was always wired differently. My parents were both scientists, but I was never interested in STEM. I was always more of a history guy, an English guy. I was the guy who needed to know the why and the how of everything. The kid who broke things apart to see if he could put them back together again. Yes, that sounds like it lends itself to engineering, but I never could put these things back together again. They remained broken in a drawer, or thrown out. That was who I was. Destructive but curious. But way too curious for his own good. I used to see it as a bad thing, but everything can be reframed. All negatives can be spun into positives. It’s not just seeing a half empty glass as half full. It’s not just seeing the silver lining. In job interviews they love to ask you about your strengths and your weaknesses. But they don’t actually want you to disparage yourself or expect you to highlight your inabilities. They’re looking for something different. They’re looking for you to reframe your weaknesses as consequences of having too much passion or caring too much. All of this is hidden in subtext.

Frankly, that’s kinda bullshit—just say what you mean to say—but that’s not what I’m getting at here. My destructive tendencies led me to where I am today. A writer who has a beginning and some key elements to the story he’s trying to create, but needs to deconstruct it and flesh it out. Someone who’s trying to turn a tree into a chair, a lump of metal into a sword. Creating a story doesn’t just require you to be able to write or have a big vocabulary. That means nothing if you have no imagination. Imagination is the muse, it’s the driving force, it’s the catalyst for your epic. I was blessed to not have “normal” pursuits or interests growing up, so I had plenty of opportunity to let my imagination run wild. And run wild it did.

I spent a good amount of my formative years exploring my imagination. Maybe life was simpler back then. I’d sure love to believe that. Let me just say that the rate in which technology advances is incredible. I mean I’m not that old, but I still grew up in a time without smartphones and without high speed internet. As a kid I made do. I only had a few options. I could play outside, I could play with toys or games, or I could make art. I played outside sometimes, but I wasn’t the sporty type. I did some occasional drawing, but I never saw myself as an artist until recently (but even so never in that sense). So that left me with games and toys. Being a middle child and the only boy did not lend itself to having a daily companion. Sure, I probably had more friends back then than I do now, but I didn’t hang out with them outside of school all that often. I was left on my own for many hours of the day.

Like many other American Born Chinese, I had my regular homework, my Chinese school homework, and my extracurricular workbook (not to mention, Kumon on top of that). My mom also made us take piano lessons. I was never any good at it, but it taught me how to practice, how to be persistent, and how to do the gritty work that I didn’t want to do. Other than that, I had plenty of free time. Much of this time was spent either reading or playing with Lego’s. Both are methods of stimulating your imagination. The time I spent playing with Lego’s was typically an internal storytelling of a continuous narrative. Yesterday’s story continued on into today’s play. And continued on until I got bored of it. I didn’t know it at the time, but these hours and years were foundational in building me up as an artist. Without the daily stimulation of my imagination when I was young, would I still be able to create a coherent story today? That question cannot be answered. There’s no way to know for certain. But I’d like to think that it had a profound effect on my writing. 

As I got older, I stopped playing with Lego’s. I stopped reading books for pleasure. I had developed a credence that reading was uncool. It was for losers and nerds. But even so, I was still a goody-two-shoes, and once infiltrated with that essence, there is no removing that from a person. So I read the required reading for my classes, and I did my homework. And I think I was better for it. I thoroughly enjoyed my English classes in high school. These classes were more important to me than I knew at the time. But my mind was on something else, what I wanted to do with my life back then was different from what I want to do now. My priorities and ambitions were different.

But that’s how life goes. You spend years trying to find out what you’re good at, what you like or dislike, what your passions are, what you’re supposed to do with your life. Not everyone knows what they want to do right away. You ask a five-year-old what they want to be when they grow up, and they might tell you one thing today, and something different tomorrow. A different five-year-old might be unwavering in their dream and end up pursuing what they said they would. I envy one-track mindedness like that. It may seem easier for those who seem to have known what they wanted from the start, but that’s just the view from the outside looking in. Everyone has their own struggles, and vices. Each set of circumstances is unique. No two people travel the same path. But the end goal is always the same: finding purpose. Sometimes your purpose turns out to be pursuit #1, sometimes it’s pursuit #3 or #5 or #10. You won’t know until you’ve tried, and sometimes you won’t find out what it is until way down the line. Things change, people change. Who you were last year may not necessarily be who you are next year. Each human being is in a constant state of flux. It may seem scary or intimidating, but everyone goes through it.

Some days, when I feel overly distressed or feel like the pressure is mounting, I think about past events in my life that pushed me towards where I am now. Sometimes, all you need is a little reminder that you’re on the right path. I don’t know that my series will be a smash success from the jump. What I do know is that what I produce won’t be substandard quality—at least not by my own standards. I know myself well enough to know that anything mediocre won’t pass my discerning eye otherwise it won’t meet the light of day. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I expect to be the talk of the town or that people will even want to read my shit. All I’m saying is that anything that finds its way to the screen or the page is a result of me putting in my finest effort. At the very least, I can say that I did my best. That’s all that’s within my control. The rest of it isn’t up to me. I can’t force someone to read a book. I can’t make anyone like my work. I am not the master of anyone else’s actions or reactions. All I can do is hope and pray that some people view my work the same way that I view my work.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t also have faith that if it’s meant to happen, and when it’s meant to happen, that it will happen. All I can do is keep working on my craft. Tinkering and tweaking. Trying things to see if they’ll work. When it comes down to it, that’s all life is. Tinkering isn’t just a step in the writing process. It’s a part of regular life too. It’s how you grow, it’s how you progress. You’re on the path towards greatness, striving to learn more each and every day, while constantly experimenting with different elements to form and create your own unique persona, to create genuine content. But if you don’t learn from your past, then you won’t have a future. 

They say that every mistake is a lesson, that failure teaches us things. But that oversimplifies it a bit. You don’t learn lessons just from the bad. You can learn from the good also. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. There are two types of people in the world: those who act like they know everything; and those who act like there’s always more to learn. There’s no middle ground. Not really. You’re either open to growth or you’re not. That’s really what it comes down to. There are people who may say that they’re open-minded, but when push comes to shove they revert to the choices that they know. So let me ask you, are they really as open-minded as they say they are? Or are they more stubborn than they’re willing to admit? Good, bad or indifferent, there’s something to be learned. We grow through accepting that we may be wrong or that there may be a more efficient way.

People suck…. True. That’s the cynic speaking in me. But you also need people, and people need you. You’re a necessary cog in the machine of life. Everyone is. Your role may be big, it may be small. It may seem meaningless, but you are needed. Everyone means something to someone. We live in a society. We’re part of a civilization. We’re not nomads or hermits or hunter-gatherers anymore. We NEED other people. We need differing opinions. We need dissenting opinions. We need outside perspective. Without any of it, we’re on our own. Trying to figure out what’s best for us without knowing what else is out there. 

Well, after eight years of working, I can say with certainty that I know what is out there for me. I know what I was placed in this world to do. I have my purpose. True, I’ve known what it was for the last three years, but I’m actually doing it. I’m living it. It still hasn’t hit me yet, and it probably won’t for quite some time. Truth be told, until my first novel sells, I probably won’t believe that this isn’t just fantasy. But I did it. I quit my job so that I can pursue my dream. It’s been almost a month since my last day of work, but I’m still feeling good about it. I needed a few weeks off to detox and destress. Where I was at mentally by the end of it wasn’t where I needed to be in order to write to the best of my ability. Taking a break after leaving a stressful and/or toxic work environment is essential. 

I highly recommend it. Anyone, if given the opportunity should do it. There’s no rush to get back into the workforce right away. You can take a week off, two weeks off between jobs. If you’re going to be jumping into a new job for the next two years, that’s the least you can do for yourself. Give yourself a chance to relax. Take a step back. Withdraw from the world. Lord knows, you might not have a chance to do it later. Take advantage. 

I’ve been beating this drum for quite a while now, but I will continue to do so until my knuckles are raw. Your mental health is paramount. We don’t talk about it enough. Your brain is your biggest tool, your best weapon. But it doesn’t function properly if it isn’t fully healthy. Work on yourself first, and things will slowly fall in place. What a difference being mentally and emotionally healthy makes. Take the time to invest in yourself. Invest in your wellbeing. It took me reaching the deepest, darkest chasm before I was able to see the light. Before I was able to find a way out. Before I was able to step out on the path towards greatness. But it doesn’t mean that you have to. I’m telling you these things, dear reader, as a warning.

Don’t make the same mistakes that I made. Don’t get me wrong, for anyone who thinks that they may need to see a therapist, I’m all for it. But I’m standing here as the pre-therapy “therapist” to teach you lessons and tips so that you don’t have to go through the same things that I did. How selfish would I be if I didn’t impart the lessons that I learned? So I give freely. Cause let’s be honest, not everyone can afford therapy. It’s part of the sad truth in the profit-centric institution that is American healthcare. But that’s a discussion for a different time. Work on yourself and things will come together. There’s always room for improvement. There’s always room for growth. There’s always more knowledge to acquire. Dedicate some of your time to working on yourself. When you feel that you’re healthy, when you feel that you’re healed, you can progress onwards and upwards. Without healing first, there will not be any consistent improvement. You will only see forward and backwards motion. A step forward, a step back.

You need to drill down to the root. Your anxieties today—your depression, are a direct result of trauma from your childhood or your adolescence. I know it hurts, digging deep, but it’s necessary for you to flourish as a human being. That’s what it comes down to. Once you find your healing, things start to click. Before therapy, without healing, I was at a loss with what to do with my life. Trapped at a dead end with nowhere to go. My sights set on how high the walls were, how steep the cliff was. But little did I know, I could reverse down the way I had come, and find a different path. When the walls are closing in around you, when you feel like there’s nowhere left to go, remember that you can always go back. But know that in order to go back, you have to relive your past hurts. There’s no way around it. Do you want to stay stuck in your rut? Or do you want to find healing, and learn to love yourself? The latter takes hard work and dedication. It takes trying and trying again. It takes breaking down your old habits and forming new ones. It takes challenging your old mindsets and adopting new ones. It takes understanding your shortcomings and working on developing them into strengths. It takes shifting your thought process from “what I think I should do,” to “what I want to do.” It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

I am a living testament to that statement. I am proof. I’ve walked through the fire, and been born again. Our problems and struggles may seem trivial in the grand scheme of things, but that’s not important right now. We weren’t born in a war-torn country or born into poverty. As such, we are incredibly blessed, but that’s not the focus here. Do not trivialize your struggles in life. Do not minimize the hardships you faced. The pain that you experienced was real. It was real to you, and it hurt you. Remember that. You could’ve had a worse life, but you didn’t. Fate had something specific in mind for you. The circumstances you faced were unique to you. The lessons you learned were meant for you alone. No two brains are wired the same. We may be on the same wavelength for some things, but never everything. Our brains were built differently. How we handle stress is different. But even though we were all created differently, it doesn’t mean that we can’t learn from each other.

Going through life is a series of trial & error. No one really knows what it’s like to have a perfect life. Even Jesus, sinless though he was, didn’t have a perfect life. He lived a perfect life in that His actions and His intentions were pure and blameless. He was a perfect being. But what happened around Him was not perfect. He still had to figure things out in life. There is no handbook in life. We have to figure out what works best for each of us. But it doesn’t mean that we all have to make the same missteps and mistakes. Sometimes we are blessed with the opportunity to watch others fail before us. Obviously, we shouldn’t be watching with eager anticipation to see when others fail. But there are still lessons to be learned. 

Take it from me. I just left two toxic work environments in the span of two years. Now, you might be asking why I willingly stepped into a second toxic work environment soon after leaving the first. I knew what I was getting into, but the short answer is my priorities were different. I entered the workplace knowing that it wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t the thought that was at the pinnacle of my mind. I was still going to therapy when I started, but I was nearing my graduation. We had started discussing the things that I wanted to do that would make me feel fulfilled, that would make me feel satisfied with life, that would make me feel like I was doing something worthwhile. We had broached the subject of writing. It had taken me twenty-eight and a half years for me to finally know my calling. To find my purpose in life. To finally have an answer to the age old question: “what do you want to be when you grow up?” It hit me like a ton of bricks. This whole time I had been doing what I thought was expected of me. But that’s just it. It was my perception of how I thought others viewed me. So nothing real. Nothing genuine. I was living life according to how I thought my parents wanted me to live, and according to what I thought my friends would respect.

But it’s not about that. It’s about you. It’s about what you want with your life. How others see you is meaningless. If other people think you should be a doctor, but you don’t want to be a doctor, you are not going to find happiness. You are not going to know your real self-worth. You won’t be content with what you have or where you’re going. Money isn’t everything. Fame isn’t everything. Reputation isn’t everything. There’s more to life than any of this. Life is meant to be lived in the way that makes you happy and keeps you mentally healthy. Oftentimes, we apply added pressure on ourselves. But we need to take a step back and see if our current life trajectory is truly what we want.

When I started at Workplace B, I knew what I wanted. Through our discussions, my therapist had shown me the light. Maybe we discovered it together. Nevertheless, I wanted this. I wanted to write. I wanted to see where it would take me. I had made myriad excuses over the years, but I was finally willing to take control. To seek out this gift and see what I could do with it. I knew it would take time. I knew it would take dedication. I knew it would take practice. So I slipped into Workplace B. Found a place with less stress than Workplace A. A new place. A place where I wasn’t already bogged down with bitterness and negativity. Although I was working, my brain capacity had freed up substantially.

Enough for me to think about the story that I wanted to create. Think about the blog posts/essays I wanted to write. That honestly was half the battle. Having the time to think. That may not seem like much, but time to think is essential. Without it, creating art is that much more difficult. No wonder I was overwhelmed when I thought about writing. No wonder I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t have a concept. I didn’t have a premise. I was trying to start a story from scratch without a base. Through the turmoil in life, through my struggles, I had lost the connection I had with my imagination. And that for me is my biggest regret. Not staying in tune with my creativity. But better late than never! I won’t waste energy on what things could’ve been like. The past is unchangeable. We work with the present to provide for our future. 

My future is writing. I believe that wholeheartedly. Sure, I may have my moments of doubt. Sure, I do have my fears. But this is a pursuit worth putting my time, effort, and energy into. This is what I’ve been building towards for the past three and a half years. I needed to be broken in order to seek therapy. I needed to be healed in order to love and believe in myself. I needed to love and believe in myself in order to find what I loved. The time I spent writing and thinking at Workplace B brought me to this point. Yes, it didn’t end the way that I wanted it to. But I stuck to my guns. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I was looking for. Workplace B was merely a stopgap to hold me over financially until I felt that my writing was in order. Until I felt like my skill was at a level where I could do something with it. I had wanted to stay at Workplace B until my novel was finished. But that turned out to be untenable. The pressure of the workplace, my role at the company had increased to a level that was no longer able to coexist with my desire to write. It was one or the other. And I chose this. This is who I am. Who I am is greater than what I do. I am a writer. We’ll see where this goes. I owe it to myself. Forever onwards and upwards.

Art, Dreaming

Why Wait?

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2021 has simultaneously passed quickly and progressed slowly. If 2020 was the strangest year in the past decade, then 2021 was a close second. It felt like an eternity, but we’ve finally reached the end. So what better time to do some reflecting? Similar to the outlook of the year I feel like there were times when my writing was flourishing, and there were others when it stagnated. No question, my writing has gotten better. I can see it when comparing old writing with new. No surprise there, that’s how it goes. When you’re working on perfecting your craft, you want it to improve. That’s the expectation. And I think I can objectively say that it has. But the problem I’ve come across is that I haven’t been doing enough of it. 

I’ve been trying to develop a habit, but it’s tough when your schedule is inconsistent. There were times when I went to visit my parents or went on vacation, and I fell out of a groove. It took a little longer to get started again. No surprise there either. I’ve said this before, but it’s akin to starting from Park as opposed to starting from Gear 1. It’s an acceptable process every so often, but if you’re constantly stopping and starting you won’t hit your checkpoints, and your quality of work will suffer. So one expectation that I have for myself moving forward is being more consistently in gear. Easier said than done. Real work has gotten in the way of the work that I want to do unfortunately. 2021 has been much busier than 2020 in that aspect. Last year was busy but manageable. I worked extra hours but I was able to cope. I was able to keep up with the workload. But this year, work exploded. Even with my extra hours I haven’t been able to keep up with the workload, which has left me drained and has diminished my brainpower. That much is about to change, but that’s a story for a different time. A story that I’m not quite ready to share because it’s not over yet, so you’ll just have to stay tuned for next time.

So I haven’t been writing nearly as much as I would like. There are no excuses for that. In the end, it’s on me. I made the decision to work extra hours. I made the decisions to go on vacation or visit my parents. I made the decision to write or not to write. I’m the master of my own life. But I’m also the storyteller. In the end, I’m the one in control of the story. No one else can claim that. I’m the one pulling the pieces out of the veil and melding them together. I’m the one reaching into the depths of my imagination and crafting an opus. It’s me, all me. So there are no excuses for the story not to come together the way that I want it to. This is my world to shape. And believe me, it’s coming together, slowly but surely. I can see the separate threads being woven together, but it’s nowhere near done. I still have a lot of work to do. But that means putting much more time and effort into it. I can’t keep letting myself get caught up with life. So my question to myself lately has been why wait? Why have I been waiting? Why do I continue to wait?

Why wait? That’s a question everyone should ask themselves. It’s not just a question for me to ask myself. Check in on yourself periodically! What’s going on externally does not always line up with what’s going on internally. But how would you know that if you didn’t take some time to reflect? We were meant to live our lives, not just muddle about and exist. We were meant to live, and live to the fullest. To meet opportunity head-on and take it by the horns. We are in control. We are the walkers, not the walked. We are the leaders, not the led. We do not wait for things to happen. We go out and pursue that which we seek. 

But I’ll be honest. I’ve spent a good amount of my life waiting for things to come to me. I did not ask myself the right questions. I did not seek out opportunities. I made excuses and I was weighed down by inaction. My self-loathing and my doubt won out every time. My lack of confidence reigned over my life. I did not know what I wanted, and I did not know what I was good at. I was wandering around aimlessly, without goals in mind. I didn’t have anything to drive me and I sorely lacked motivation. Because I didn’t know what my higher calling was. I had not realized my purpose. But when I found out what it was, it was the most liberating feeling in the world. It turns out everything was within grasp. Everything was right there, laid out in front of me. I was already equipped with all the tools that I needed. But I didn’t know it.  

I didn’t know it because I lacked self-awareness. I didn’t know it because I didn’t spend much time reflecting. My eyes were tinted by the shade of negativity. My woe is me attitude did me no favors. My sense of despair became an unbearable burden, building up over the course of many years. I didn’t let go of my hurt feelings; I didn’t let go of my anger. As a result, dark thoughts clouded my judgment. My mistakes were compounded with more mistakes and more excuses, leaving me in constant neutrality. Two steps forward, two steps back. Never progressing, never improving, never excelling. I was stuck in a cycle of mediocrity. Or so I thought. Turns out it was just a mindset. I had conditioned myself to have a negative outlook, to be pessimistic, to look on things with skepticism. I didn’t take responsibility for my situation, I didn’t hold myself accountable,  and I was held back by fear.

This isn’t a unique outlook. Far from it. Many young folk nowadays lack self-awareness. Many people are bogged down by fear. Neither of these is inherently bad. But don’t let either thing control you. Know that these are areas that can use improvement. Being in tune with your vulnerabilities allows for proper growth. The more you know about yourself, the more capable you are of tackling all of life’s challenges. When you don’t acknowledge your weaknesses or don’t accept that you’re capable of making mistakes you’re doing yourself a disservice. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to be realistic. You don’t want delusion to creep in. EVER. Know that we’ll never be perfect versions of ourselves, we’ll never meet our ideal, and that’s ok. Thinking otherwise is expecting the impossible. But that doesn’t mean we don’t still try.

The biggest project in our lives is ourselves. Since nobody is ever a finished product, we have no choice but to keep tinkering and improving. The only other option you have is complacency, which inevitably leads to failure. And nobody wants that. Rot, mold, being stuck in the mire. Work on yourself, otherwise you risk seeing your world fall apart. I dunno about you, but I’d rather not find out what that looks like (again). I’ll take option 1, thank you very much. I’ve seen my world fall apart before. I’ve seen what I had thought to be the lowest low. But know that even at your worst, there could be worse… But there could also be better. Much better. Life isn’t just about improvement and growth, it’s about finding healing. Finding serenity. Finding inner peace. Finding ways to make it through each day while also keeping your cool. Finding ways to not sweat the little things.

And let’s be honest, in the grand scheme of things most everything is small and inconsequential. So sweating the small stuff is wasted energy. Don’t let them affect you too much. Now don’t get me wrong, there are times when anger, rage, or bitterness are justified. But it doesn’t have to be all the time. In fact, it shouldn’t be all the time, or even most of the time. The mark of being mature is keeping your emotions in check. Being calm, cool, and collected. Only children throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want. Only babies scream and shout when they don’t get their way. Being quick to anger is a puerile response in a grown-up world. I know it doesn’t always seem that way; not everyone seems to understand this. There are people much older than us who still act up, who are prone to lashing out, who reign with fear, I know and understand that. It appears that they just never grew up. Never let go of their entitlement, never got over their “me first” attitude. But we don’t have to stoop to their level. We can reject toxicity. Not force others to walk on eggshells around us. Not act in arrogance, whether intentional or unintentional. We aren’t destined to repeat the errors and mistakes of our fathers and forefathers. We have a choice.

We can choose to be different. Choose to be great. Choose to walk on a higher plane. Your life is a series of choices: good, bad or indifferent. You’re not stuck. Just because you’ve chosen one route to your destination doesn’t mean you can’t change directions and try a different approach. No one is stopping you, aside from fear and expectation. Your own worst enemy is yourself. Your greatest barrier is you. So why wait? Sometimes all you need is a swift kick in the behind or a knock on the head. Something to motivate you to aspire for more, aspire for better, aspire for greater. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we’re on a path towards greatness. Nothing can get in our way, nothing can stop us. But we won’t get further if we don’t get started.

Things have to start from somewhere. That’s how it works. Every action or event has an origin. You don’t just become great or make great things out of the blue. There are steps to it. It starts as a seed in your mind. It starts with finding your strengths and your passions. It starts with a decision. A decision to be better than what you’ve been, and to continue to be a better version of yourself each and every day. That allows you to do great things, to keep creating. Every profession, every vocation either creates something or fixes something. Think about it. Artists, musicians, authors all create content. Plumbers or electricians fix housing issues. Chefs and cooks create meals. Psychologists and therapists fix people. Salesmen create sales. Customer service support fixes problems. It doesn’t matter what it is. As long as you’re good at it, have a passion for it or both; keep creating, keep fixing, keep excelling. The alternative is mediocrity. And mediocrity breeds contempt.

Strive for better. Strive for greater. Why wait? I’ve done enough waiting in my life. Made enough excuses. At some point in your life, you have to stop talking, and start doing. Talking about things is progress in a way, but it’s also inaction in another sense. It’s a different form of excuse making. It’s a different way of waiting. You just have to do it. Don’t keep putting things off for later. Later may never come. You might already have the tools necessary for you to pursue greatness, for you to succeed. You might not. Either way, the seed that you’ve grown requires you to water it and foster it. You won’t get better at something unless you do it and do it and do it. Habits are formed through repetitive action. Skills are refined through constant practice. People don’t usually make masterpieces on their first attempts. It takes time and effort. You won’t become a celebrity overnight. Musicians didn’t just come out of the blue to hit the billboards. We can’t always see the effort they put in, but believe me, it didn’t just happen. It took years and years of hard work. In a day and age where instant gratification is expected or preferred, toil & effort seems unnecessary or illogical. But know this: if you want to create great things you have plenty of work to do.

Don’t wait, just create! 

Dreaming, Mental Health

That’s Just How It Goes

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Well, it looks like here we are again. I’m sitting here, apologizing again for posting so sporadically. I’m starting to sound like a broken record aren’t I? I was hoping to post around once a month this year, but that obviously hasn’t happened. I’ve just been way too busy. I wish I had more hours in my day, I honestly do. I started writing this post, way back in early September (at least I think I did, it’s been way too long). And it’s just been doing a lot of sitting around simmering, but not much stewing unfortunately. I haven’t thought about this post in weeks. My time has been spent on other things. The bad news: I’ve been really busy at work. The good news: I’ve also been busy working on my novel after work. So when do I usually have time to write my blog posts? Let’s just say that I don’t spend my entire work day working on work. I’ll just leave it at that. So this little guy has been hanging out, waiting to be written. I figure let’s do it now before the calendar turns to November. 

I changed. That’s the simple and honest truth. I know it’s a basic, all-encompassing statement but what else can I say? It explains everything. I’m different today, and I’ll be even more different tomorrow. That’s just how it goes. That’s what we should strive for, constant improvement comes through constant change. Otherwise, we stagnate. When we stagnate, we don’t move forward, we don’t move upwards, we don’t move onwards. I know I say this a lot, but this has quickly become one of my favorite aphorisms: we’re on a path towards greatness. Say it to yourself, sing it to yourself, mutter it to yourself, write it down. Doesn’t matter how, but repeat it and believe it. Once you verbalize this truth to yourself, things get easier to deal with. You stop sweating the small things, and your goals come into focus. 

We were meant for big things. Remember that. Good enough is not good enough. Set your sights up above. Your goals are up there in the distance. Don’t look down, don’t look forward, look up. Set lofty goals, and achieve great things. Setting them at eye level or below is compromise, that’s the definition of settling. Settling is how we stagnate, it’s a mental block that prevents us from fulfilling our potential. Know your worth, don’t settle for less. You’re capable of greatness, you’re built for it. Anything less is doing yourself an injustice. So don’t settle. Not when dreaming, not in your artistic endeavors, not in your job or workplace, not in your friendships/relationships, and certainly not in your mindset. 

Sometimes people grow with you, sometimes they don’t. But regardless, don’t sweat it! People change, you change. Not everyone was meant to stick by your side forever. It can be difficult to accept, but sometimes you have to learn to let go. It will most likely be hard, but if it’s time, it’s time. No sense in holding on for dear life if the two of you are drifting apart, and the gap is too wide to mend. People might call you an asshole for letting go of a friendship, but at the end of the day you have to do what’s best for yourself. That may seem harsh, but there’s no way around it. You know what’s best for your own life, and if you don’t go seeking it out, you’re left with compromise. You’re not living the life you deserve. And you deserve the greatest, only the best. You deserve to live a fruitful and productive life. Don’t get me wrong, there will be hardships, but you’re stronger than that. They’re just bumps in the road, not permanent setbacks. Unless you make them that. Life truly is what you make of it. If you believe that you’re bigger than your obstacles, then your willpower will win out. But if you go into a hardship believing you’ll fail, then you just satisfied a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Your mindset and your mentality are important. Your parents weren’t wrong about that. They told you this constantly when you were young for a reason. Obviously, it’s not as simple as they make it seem. There’s more to it than “be happy,” or “think positively.” It’s nuanced. But you can’t fault their intentions. Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed with good and selfless parents, so I apologize in advance if this doesn’t resonate. I can only speak on my own experiences, and where I come from, my parents always wanted what’s best for me. I can’t say that my parents weren’t misguided at times, but their intentions were always pure. Even so, I always felt that their approach ended with both positive and negative results. The stigma behind mental/emotional health is tough for everybody. I want to say that it’s tougher for Asian-Americans to deal with, but I don’t know that. There’s added pressure for us to excel at everything we do, which again is a double-edged sword. We should strive towards greatness, no question. But there’s different ways to do that. It doesn’t always mean the most prestigious, highest paying, or most financially stable career path. Greatness means different things to different people. I can’t stress that enough. We each walk a different path. We each have a different part to play in the cornucopia of life. We weren’t all meant to be scientists, or doctors, or businessmen. Since I’m not the same as you, and you aren’t the same as them, each role is essential to the societal makeup of our country. That being said, once you understand your role, it’s your duty to excel at it to the best of your ability.  

You may not feel it all the time, but you are essential. Never forget that. Someone, somewhere needs you. Someone, somewhere depends on you. At the end of the day, you’re the only one who can push you to bigger & better things. No one can force you to do anything. I know sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes you feel duty bound or you feel stuck or you feel like people are pushing you in a certain direction. But that’s just another misconception. You’re in control of your life. Not everything will go your way. Not every opportunity will open up for you. That’s okay. That’s just how it goes. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Try for better, try for more. Never give up. Never give in. 

When it comes down to it, only you can make the decisions for your life. You won’t always make the best choices or the right ones, but you live and you learn. From the outside looking in we can only give advice based off of our experiences and/or our knowledge. It’s up to you to decide if it’s the right advice for you, and if you want to follow it. But we can’t make the decisions for you. Some people have trouble making decisions, others are easily swayed. That’s why it’s important to surround yourself with high quality people, so that you can make high quality decisions using high quality advice. Something else they tell us when we’re young is to be careful what friends we choose. Again, they don’t just say it to say it. As teenagers we think we know everything, that we’re smarter than our parents. As we grow older, we slowly start to understand how smart they actually were. Your parents were much better at reading vibes than you were at fifteen-years-old. Some people were bad news and your parents knew it from the start. But you refused to believe it. 

They were usually right, weren’t they? Sometimes you don’t find out someone’s true nature until after you’ve already been hurt. But everyone has to learn their own lessons in their own way. Whether it’s learned the easy way or the hard way is up to you. I don’t know about you, but growing up I was always very stubborn. I didn’t like doing things a different way. I’d try my way over and over until it was clear that it didn’t work. Even then, I might keep trying the same way. What did I know? I was a teenager who had never experienced real life. But even still, I thought I knew everything. Oh, the ignorance of youth. We didn’t know better, but we thought we did. That mindset is unsustainable over time. I think we learned this to an extent pretty early on in our lives. At 19, I think we began to understand. Whether we attended college or not, we started to see how real life actually worked. 

But it makes sense. At that point in our lives, we had already gotten past the awkwardness of puberty. We had already gotten over some of the growing pains that held us back. We were ready for the next stage in our lives. In order to do that, we needed to prepare mentally. We had to shift our thought processes, clear up mental headspace, and rearrange our priorities. Things were different now. We were older, more mature, this & that. Regardless of how we felt, we needed to grow up. Growing up is hard to do, but change is inevitable. It happens to the best and the worst of us. Not all change is bad, so we have to learn to embrace it. It will happen, I promise you. We go through different stages in life. That’s how humans develop. Change will happen, so we need to be ready for it. 

The changes we go through in life aren’t always drastic. More often than not, they arrive in the form of subtle shifts and adjustments. We’re working on building a masterpiece, but we won’t ever have a finished product. That’s just how it goes. The only time it finishes is when we die. But it doesn’t mean we don’t still try. We’re trying to create something better for us and ours. We’re looking for improvement any way we can. It takes a lot of effort, and it’ll probably be slow, but you can’t rush perfection. Moving upwards means that no matter the amount of progress, we’re still looking to improve. It’s a lot to take in, and some may feel excess pressure as a result. But take a deep breath, and take a step back. If you’re better today than you were yesterday then that is something to take joy in and find comfort in. It tells you that you’re on the right track. 

 And sometimes that’s enough. Sometimes it’s all that we can ask for. Change takes time, change takes effort, change takes determination. You won’t usually see the results right away, but you have to learn to be okay with that. If you don’t, life will be that much more difficult. Each day will be that much tougher to get through. Take it step by step, one day at a time. You know the saying, “Rome wasn’t built in a day?” Well, that means that things will come together in time. Relax, and tone down your stress. The added pressure doesn’t help you do things better, it might not even help you do things faster, so take the time to focus on the quality of your work the first time around. We all have a common goal that we’re working towards (or at least we should). We should be looking to improve ourselves and those around us. We want others to thrive so that we can stay motivated. Seeing those around us excelling and doing better should make us want to do better. We either follow the example or we lead by example. Either way, we need to be on an upwards trajectory. 

We move upwards; we move onwards. We do not move downwards; we do not move backwards. In order to work our way towards the peak of our ability, we need to surround ourselves with high quality people. The people that stick with you on your way up are high quality people. They’re people you should surround yourself with. Those who can’t keep up were good for you for a time. Some relationships and friendships fizzle out. Others didn’t fall apart per se, but both parties changed. That’s just how it goes. Those who are bitter at other’s success aren’t people you need in your life. They weren’t good for you then; they aren’t good for you now. They’ll only hold you back. They’re jealous of you. Distressed that you have the willpower to better your situation but they don’t. All it takes is a little bit of drive. A little ambition goes a long way. 

The results will become more tangible over time. We’re all works in progress. We’re all making our own way. But you can’t get good results without putting in the work. You won’t see the fruits of your labor if you don’t toil. Change takes concentrated effort. Improvement doesn’t come without hardships. Your resilience in how you face your hardships is bigger than the hardships themselves. Life is tough. There are good times and there are bad times. You take the good times, you relish them, and you count your blessings. You face the bad times, you get better, and you learn. Each day is different. Each day has its unique challenges. So be prepared for anything. It only takes one little thing to go right, one opportunity, one window. It doesn’t take much for the momentum to change. That’s how momentum works. One small thing, a catalyst, starts a cycle. But not a cycle of sadness, despair, or misery. Break out of that! You can start instead on a cycle of betterment. This is good, it could be better, here’s how I improve. Rinse & repeat. Be ready for the uptick, latch on tight. Improvement and betterment are just around the corner.

But know and understand that when you change, you won’t necessarily be able to take everybody with you. Not everybody in your life will be a forever person for you. Those are just the facts of life. Each friendship has a time limit, whether it’s death, relocation, losing touch, or changing. Every friendship is finite, so you need to cherish who/what you have when you have it. Take each moment in your life and understand that you will never have another moment like it. Each hour, each minute, each second of your life is different. Some moments may seem similar, but they are not identical. If you’re going through a tough time and you never want to experience what you’re going through again, then you have to believe that the next moment will be better. That’s how we reach for improvement, that’s how we achieve our goals. We set our sights off in the distance, hoping and striving, trying to reach out and grasp it. And when we’re not close enough, we try again and again and again. We make a slight change, and we do a little better as we reach out for our goals. 

And when you reach the peak of your achievement, you look back in wonderment at how far you’ve come. You reflect on who came with you, who helped you, and whom you lost along the way. The bottom line is you changed, because you wanted better. You wanted better because you’re striving for greatness. If you’re looking for improvement in all facets of your life, you can’t be afraid that you’ll change, and you can’t be afraid that others will too. Change is inevitable, if you’re striving for greatness. If you don’t embrace change, you’re allowing yourself to be stuck in mediocrity. You cannot improve without constant change. You cannot improve without releasing toxicity from your life. You cannot change if you keep surrounding yourself with the same. The same people, the same environment, the same mental blocks. People will leave, people will grow apart. That’s just how it goes. Your priorities shift as you grow older. Some people grow out of certain things, some people don’t. But either way embrace it. Embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly. Each lesson you learn helps you on your path towards greatness. Each person you meet teaches you something new about yourself or about society. Each opportunity that you embrace helps you achieve your next goal. Greatness is attainable, but we have to work towards it every day. Strive onwards and upwards, not backwards or downwards. Forever pursue greatness. You will see the fruits of your labor soon. 

Mental Health

I AM Tougher

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Well, it’s finally happened. Today, I turned 30. Truth be told, it’s an age I used to dread. For some reason, in our society, it’s seen as a milestone age. It’s the arbitrary number that many people like to set as an endpoint to fulfilling their dreams. Those who start their own business before 30 are seen as ambitious & driven, great successes. Those who haven’t quite reached their goals by 30 are seen as aimless, the greatest failures. But this isn’t real life, not really. It’s just a misconception. A false narrative. Things happen for people at different times in life, and at different speeds. It may take someone more time to find their purpose and to get the ball rolling, but that’s ok. It generally takes time for things to gain momentum anyway. Each person’s path towards greatness is different. The winds and turns are unique. So, though your journey may take longer, it doesn’t make you any less ambitious, driven, or successful than those who reached their destinations faster. Remember that Jesus didn’t start his ministry until he turned 30. It’s not too late for you.  

At this point, age ain’t nothin but a number. You’re not 17, 20, or 24 anymore. You’re no longer waiting to vote, waiting to drink, waiting to rent a car. Thirty isn’t anything new for you. It’s just another number. A new chapter in your wonderful life. And believe me, your life is wonderful. You may not see it right now, but adversity only makes you stronger. Dark times only make the bright days brighter. You’ll make it through in the end. It’s just a small rough patch, but it isn’t forever. Things will get better. Time will heal your wounds. So, the start of the next year is something exciting and new. No longer something to be dreaded or feared, but something to be relished. An open door looking upon wonders anew. Each new year is a blessing, a sign that you’re alive.  

So, today I turned 30, but I feel good. I’m alive and healthy, and that’s more than enough. Birthdays used to suck for me, I’ve written about that before in the past. But that’s no longer the case, and it won’t ever be again. I can say with great pleasure that this will be the third birthday in a row that I will thoroughly enjoy and cherish. I will have an amazing day today. I will have an amazing year. I will have an amazing life. That’s not an empty boast. I speak it into existence. I am no longer the miserable whelp that I used to be. What a difference having my mental and emotional health makes. Things were tough, but I AM TOUGHER.  

The universe threw everything it had at you, but you’re still here. I’m still here. What a time to be alive. We were broken people but we aren’t like that any longer. They can’t hold us down; they can’t hold us back. I’m a year older, but a year wiser, and a year healthier. Your mind is without a doubt your strongest weapon. As with any other tool you have to keep it clean and you have to keep it polished. So, what does that entail? It means you have to monitor your thoughts. You have to keep mental tabs on how you feel about different things and why. It means you have to discharge toxicity from your life; cut out negative thinking. What does all this leave you with? It leaves you with a firm sense of self. You know your worth. You know what’s beneficial for you, and you know what’s harmful. You have a better understanding of the intricacies and the nuances of life in general, and your life specifically. You’re rewarded with a top-down view of your life. But most importantly you have better self-awareness. An area that is sorely lacking in this day & age. 

It’s good to dream, it’s good to be confident, it’s good to reach for the stars. But in doing so, you have to be realistic. One of the worst things you can do to yourself is pursue something blindly with little or no awareness. You don’t want to be called delusional. You need time to think and reflect. It’s a must. Not optional. You can give your best effort and still fail; you weren’t meant to pursue everything that you want to pursue. You aren’t going to excel at everything you do. That’s just the way of life. So, you have to focus your efforts and your energy on the path that was meant for you. By 30, you should have some sense of your strengths and weaknesses. If you don’t, you need to sit down and have a conversation with yourself. There’s nothing worse than not knowing who you are or what you stand for. If you don’t even know yourself, how can you expect other people to get to know you or want to get to know you? 

I’ll admit it. This was an area that I struggled with immensely in the past. I had very little self-awareness. One could argue that I had no self-awareness. But that’s just nitpicking. I remember in my junior high and high school days I was peculiar in all the wrong ways. I was an attention seeker, a drama queen. Someone who wanted to stand out for the sake of standing out. Someone who didn’t want to be forgotten or left behind. But I wasn’t honest with myself or others. I was very much in my own world. Living a fantasy. I didn’t have a realistic outlook on where I was, where I was going, or where I wanted to be. I had a skewed sense of self-importance. In my underdeveloped mind I thought people knew who I was, knew what I was about, knew what I was doing. But how would people know things about me if I never told them? People aren’t mindreaders. That’s something someone probably should’ve told me when I was growing up. Cause I lived a life trapped in my delusions. The adolescent mind is a strange place. Easily influenced and easily led astray. 

But likewise, easily confused. And let me tell you, boy was I a confused individual. I wanted to be noticed, but at the same time, I felt uncomfortable when people went out of their way to do things for me. I liked being spoiled, but I also wanted to fade into the background. That being said, having a late summer birthday was a blessing and a curse (probably more so a curse). Having a June birthday, your mom would probably send you to school with a bunch of cupcakes on one of your last days, and you would have a nice birthday celebration to close out the school year. Having an early August birthday, you weren’t given that luxury. You were forgotten about. You couldn’t really celebrate at the end of the year, because there was still some time before your day. But on the other hand, you couldn’t celebrate at the beginning of the year because 1) your time had already passed, and 2) you still had to traverse the awkwardness that comes with starting a new school year. As a result, I never had a birthday party growing up. And that wasn’t for lack of asking on my mom’s part. I was young, but I already had anxiety thinking about who to invite, and who would show up. I was an overthinker at a young age. So, I declined to have birthday parties. 

As I got older, this desire changed. I wanted recognition on my special day, but how would I go about it? I didn’t really know, so I never vocalized it. There was thus a disconnect between what was in my mind and what was out there in the universe. People didn’t know when my birthday was so how could they celebrate it? I never told anybody so how would they know? But I still remember vividly the first summer that I worked at camp, I had the same birthday as another individual. I woke up and went to the dining hall for breakfast like any other day, and what I saw distressed me for reasons I didn’t know at the time. There was a banner and balloons telling the whole world that it was this individual’s birthday, but barely anybody had acknowledged mine. I had mentioned the date in passing to a few people, but in my mind, I thought I had made it clear and obvious. That was evidently not the case. This incident fouled my mood for the rest of the summer. This was my first encounter with the birthday blues. I remember later that week, we had our staff dinner, celebrating the hard work we had put in for the summer. I spent that night crying in the cabin, feeling unloved. When asked what was wrong, I really had no answer. 

This was depression. This was anxiety. I knew I had the former, and I knew nothing about the latter. But I didn’t know how to cope with either of them or how to handle the added pressure. And I wouldn’t learn more for quite some time. This was my first bout with depression. My transition from a good upbringing to a tortured existence. The battle was within my mind, I really didn’t understand that. So, my perception was that I was misunderstood. People didn’t know who I was. Now, I wasn’t wrong. But my focus was aimed at the wrong things. Due to lack of self-awareness, I didn’t realize that there were quite a number of things I could/should change, and that there were many areas of weakness that needed improvement. I was angry at the world because they didn’t get me. But I was too blind to see that I didn’t get myself. My hardships were always someone else’s fault. I didn’t want to take accountability for the shittiness that I felt. Because that would make me culpable. 

It’s a hard thing to accept. Especially when your mind isn’t fully developed yet. I know they say adulthood starts when you turn 18, but I really don’t believe that. Our society expects 15- and 16-year-olds to be this close to having their shit figured out, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Towards the end of my college career, I thought I had it figured out. I thought I knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go with my life. But this was another false notion. What I wanted was not in fact what I wanted. It was actually what I thought society wanted from me and what I thought my parents expected. That’s not the way to live. You’ll find out sooner or later that sometimes this doesn’t satisfy. Hopefully. What you need is purpose, passion. If you don’t love what you do, you’re not going to be happy. 

Sometimes a job is just a job. It makes ends meet. And it’s fine for a time. But don’t you want more from life? Don’t you deserve more? Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get out and make something of it. There are things to do, places to go, people to meet, art to appreciate. If you know you’ve reached a dead end, the best thing to do is to double back and try a different route. You have options. You aren’t stuck. It just takes a little bit of thinking to reason out your next step. Your next step doesn’t have to be a leap. It can be a baby step, it can be an inch. A next step is an indication that you’re searching for something better. For something more. This can be career-wise, a personal or financial goal, a new passion or hobby. It doesn’t matter. If you love something and you’re good at it, find a way to maximize your potential. 

I’ve touched upon all of this before, but important things need positive reinforcement. Keep repeating positive things to yourself until you believe them. Soon it becomes a lifestyle, it becomes your first instinct. It becomes your mantra. In changing your thought process you made yourself 1% better. And that’s what we should strive for: 1% better each day. That is how you heal, that is how you release the grip that trauma has had on your life. That is how you make it through to the next year. You want to constantly be looking for ways to better yourself. Where you’re at is not good enough. You’re on a path towards greatness. So each new day, week, year you should be seeking to show the world a better version of yourself. Year 29 was good, but year 30 will be even better.

It took me a while to get here, but I made it! I’m still here. I went through some shit in my life, but I did it. Every year from age 5 to age 22, they ask you what you want to be when you grow up. I thought I knew, but I really didn’t. Things changed, circumstances changed, my mind changed. Even after college I thought I knew what my path was, but I didn’t. I hadn’t found my truth, I hadn’t found my purpose. I didn’t discover it for real until 28. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t satisfied. I had no purpose and I had no motivation. I was stuck in a rut for a long time. My birthday blues came and went, came and went. And depression built month by month. I had good days and I had bad days. Ups and downs. But until I addressed the root of the issue, things didn’t change. Until I tackled the two decades plus of pent-up emotion there was no release for my discontentment. Until I got my mind right nothing else went right. What a difference having my mental and emotional health makes. What a difference it makes, finally being healthy. Ooh I feel good. I feel great. Thirty is just another number. A new chapter waiting to be filled with new adventures. Depression was tough, but I AM TOUGHER. Bring on the new year.

Fiction

He Watches Over Me

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So, I’m going to try something new here. The primary purpose of my blog posts/essays was always two-fold: to practice writing, and to keep the throttle primed. Before last year I only wrote when I was inspired or when I had a coherent premise in mind. Now that’s not necessarily a terrible approach, I mean you’re still stoking your creativity after all. But it’s not the most efficient or effective (for me at least). In order to get better at writing and to form a habit you have to be writing regularly. It doesn’t have to be every day, and it doesn’t have to be a certain number of words written or time spent. Regularly for you is likely different than regularly for someone else. That being said, I think it’s time for me to experiment a little. So, what am I getting at here? Glad you asked; that’s a great question!  

Before I tell you, let me clarify that I’m not changing my direction. I’ll still write about mental health/illness, provide positivity, and give advice, but we’re going to add something else to the mix. I decided a few weeks ago that I’m going to start writing short stories. I figure that’s the best way to learn how to teach myself how to write a novel. I’ve had a good amount of practice writing poetry and first-person accounts of events, but I haven’t done as much with third-person storytelling, which will be critical. So here we go, I’m going to try it out. The truth is that I did start writing one, and I probably would’ve posted it by now already if I hadn’t accidentally deleted it. Lesson learned, always keep backups. Storing your files on the cloud is usually a good idea, except that it doesn’t thwart user error. Well, now I know. It’s best to have a cloud version and a local version, that way you don’t lose all your work. Which actually, thankfully, isn’t exactly what happened. It could’ve been worse. You know me. I try to find the positive in every negative situation.   

So, what happened was I had decided to transfer my photos/videos from my old iPhone to my new one. In order to do that, I first uploaded all the files to my iCloud, then downloaded them onto my Macbook, so that I could turn off the old iPhone and finish the last step of the transfer at a later date. Looking at it now, I realize I didn’t have to do all this. I could’ve just left them on iCloud for now and downloaded them straight to my phone when I had time. Oh well, it’s too late now. But as I was saying, I downloaded the photos onto my Macbook and reuploaded them to iCloud, then deleted the photos from my Mac. In doing so, I inadvertently deleted a folder that I had named Morning Pages. This folder contained the short story I was working on, as well as backup copies of my blog posts and everything I had written since 2020. But I have to admit that I did get lucky. A lot of these documents were just words and random thoughts & musings, not publishable content. The only thing I really missed was the aforementioned short story that I had started, but it wasn’t like I scrapped a magnum opus or anything like that; at this point it was only a 500-word story. It can and will be restarted and rewritten. After all, that’s the whole point of this post.  

I’m not going to lie; I was a bit bummed out after this incident. That’s why I didn’t try to rewrite it right away. I had started writing this story the Friday before Memorial Day weekend on what turned out to be an unexpected day off. On Monday June 7th after work, I decided to sit down, work on the story, and hopefully finish it. Only to discover that the story no longer existed. What a bummer… But that just means the story will be even better than it was before! But I have to say, the biggest relief had nothing to do with the story at all. My biggest relief was that I didn’t delete the folder that contained all of the material that I’ve been working on for my fantasy series. Honestly, I don’t know what I would’ve done if that was deleted. Months of work and planning would’ve been gone down the drain at the snap of a finger. That would’ve been truly devastating. But God was watching out for me, as He always does. And He saved me from true heartbreak. His divine providence is something to rejoice over, and to count as a constant blessing. But enough preamble, without further ado, here’s a tale I call “He Watches Over Me.”  

Richard had it all: money, fame, fortune. But he wasn’t happy. Wasn’t happy and now he’s dead. He was a workaholic. Always had been. He saw that his father was a deadbeat, and vowed from a young age that he wouldn’t be like him. But that didn’t help him any in the end. Dick and Richard died the same way, a heart attack followed by a fiery car crash. In life, the two were as different as different can be, but that didn’t mean a thing in death. 

Dick couldn’t hold down a job to save his life. It just never worked out, although admittedly he never tried that hard. Excuse after excuse, but he was never to blame. They didn’t appreciate the work he did; his coworkers were out to get him; this workplace was un–American. Always a different story for why he was out of a job yet again. But the reality was that the drink was always what did him in. Dick was a monster with little self-awareness. Angry at the lemons that life threw him, but never enough ambition to do anything about it. A blame-shifter, a gaslighter, a beater; Dick was a despicable human being. Everybody knew it, but nobody did anything about it. It wasn’t their place. No surprise that Richard rejoiced when he died. Dick was his father, but was never a father to him. It would’ve been better had he left. He was present but not present. Which made him no different than any of the other deadbeat fathers that had abandoned their families when the going got rough.  

Richard vowed to not be like him, and he wasn’t. Richard worked hard at everything he did. He was a perfectionist. At the slightest change of plans, freak-out was imminent. He would get his way, no matter what. It didn’t matter how improbable a task, things had to happen the way that Richard envisioned. Or else someone would pay. And by God, he knew how to make someone pay. Scapegoat wasn’t a word in his vocabulary, but it was ever-present in his life. So, in that sense, he and his father were no different. Self-righteous, serial blame-shifters. But in the end, it really didn’t matter. They were both dead as can be.  

“Where am I? What happened?”  

“Car accident.”  

“I mean, I can see that. What the fuck?! Why’s my car totaled? Someone will pay. Who did it?”  

“You. You had a heart attack then crashed.”  

“You can’t be serious. I was perfectly healthy.” 

“No… Actually, you weren’t.” 

“Wait… Who are you?”  

“I go by many names, but you can call me the Reaper.”  

“Is this some sort of sick, twisted joke? What are you, some sort of demented weirdo?” 

“I assure you this is no joke. Look at my clothes. I am who I say I am.” 

“Wait a minute. So, you’re telling me that you’re actually real?!” 

“Yes. You see me clearly in front of you, do you not?” 

For the first time during this whole ordeal, Richard took a look down. What he saw unsettled him no end. He saw his battered and broken body strewn across the pavement. Blood splattered fifteen feet in nearly every direction. His corpse was in fact nowhere close to his burning vehicle, as his body had been launched from the Corvette as soon as it had hit the median. The vehicle was straddling the guardrail, resting on what was now its crushed, non-existent passenger side. What unsettled Richard more than seeing his own bloody body was seeing his incorporeal-self floating several feet above the accident. 

“Bring me back. I’m too young to die.” 

“What was that?” 

“I said bring me back! You’re the grim reaper. Bring me back to life!” 

“I cannot do that. It is not in my power to grant life. I bring only death.” 

“Well, if you can’t do anything about it, get me in touch with someone who can.” 

“I’m afraid that isn’t possible. There’s no one else. It’s just you, me, and death.” 

“C’mon man. I’d like to speak to your supervisor. You must have a boss; everyone has a boss.”  

“That’s not how this works. Follow me, I have something to show you.” 

“What is it?” 

“So many questions. Stop asking, just follow.” 

Before Richard could say another word, there was a blinding flash and he was transported to a different time and space. Or rather, a capsule devoid of time or space. Or maybe, just a memory. Richard, always so sure of everything that happened in his life, for the first time was unsure of what he was seeing. Richard, always with a word to say, for the first time was left speechless. Richard, who always knew everything about everything, for the first time had to admit that maybe he knew nothing. That was as far as he would go. Maybe. After all, it would be very off-brand to concede fault, ignorance, or weakness. Nevertheless, despite his reservations, he ended up opening his mouth, but before he could speak, the Reaper interjected, “don’t speak. Just watch.” 

Entranced by the scene that was unfolding before his eyes, Richard did not realize that his mouth was hanging agape. But he did as he was told, and watched. What he saw was not something that he remembered, but there was a strong inkling in his mind that this past event had actually occurred. 

His son, Ricky was sitting on the floor of the living room, eating dinner and watching TV with his mother, when he asked, “Mommy, when is daddy coming home?” 

“I don’t know Ricky. You know how busy he is.” 

“But, mommy… I miss him. Can I call him?” 

“No, sweetie. You know he doesn’t like being bothered when he’s at work.” 

“So, what do we do now?” asked Ricky as he started crying. 

“Your father and I love you very much Ricky. I hope you know that. Eat your dinner, so that you can grow big and strong. If you finish all your vegetables, I’ll read you your favorite book.” 

“But I’m not hungry anymore.” 

“It’s ok. Neither am I. Just sit here and hold onto mommy,” said Richard’s wife as she gestured towards her lap. 

         

Pop! Flash!

For the second time, Richard was temporarily blinded. When his vision cleared, the scene that he was watching disappeared, and was replaced with a different one that Richard surmised had occurred five or six years ago. Looking around, he realized that he was at a baseball game, and his son Ricky, now 12 years old, was stepping up to the plate. 

“It’s the bottom of the 9th, and Ricky Kelly is up to bat. The score is 4–1. Bases are loaded. The Devil Dogs are down to their final out. It’s their last chance at getting into the playoffs. 

Swing & a miss. The count is 0–1. 

Good eye Ricky. That ball was up & in. 1–1”

Crack! 

“Ooh, Ricky launched that one to right field. But, oh no… It’s curving foul. Count is 1–2. The Dogs are in trouble now.”

Crack! 

“Oh my God! He did it! He really did it! He crushed that ball! Going, going, gone! Ricky Kelly with the walk–off grand slam! The Devil Dogs are in the playoffs!”

As Ricky rounded the bases, Richard could see that his son had tears in his eyes. 

“Way to go Ricky!” Richard’s wife exclaimed as soon as he reached the plate. But Ricky wasn’t in the mood. 

“Let’s just go home mom,” Ricky said dejectedly.

“What’s wrong?” 

“He wasn’t here. He didn’t come. He promised me.” 

“I’m sorry you’re disappointed Ricky. You know how busy he is.” 

Pop! Flash!

The scene reset. Pomp & Circumstance was playing in the background, as Ricky walked up to the podium.  

“And now a few words from your Valedictorian Ricky Kelly!”

Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

“Thank you everyone. I’m going to keep this short & sweet, I’m not one for speeches… I do have plenty of people to thank for supporting me along the way: my mom, my friends, and my teachers. Without them I wouldn’t have been able to get to where I am now. Like I said, short & sweet, so I’ll leave y’all with this. Just remember that you can accomplish your dreams and more if you put in the effort and believe in yourself. But you can’t do it alone. Cherish what you have and count your blessings. But most importantly don’t forget to tell your friends and family that you love and appreciate them.” 

Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! 

“Way to go Ricky!”

“Let me guess, he’s not here is he mom?” Ricky asked as the ceremony concluded.  

“You know how busy he is.” 

“You know I hate when you say that. I’m tired of it. I’m sick of the same damn excuses.” 

“Language Ricky!” 

“I’m sorry. Whatever, let’s just go.”   

Pop! Flash! 

“Enough. I’ve seen enough,” Richard mumbled. 

“I have nothing else to show you. I take it you have learned your lesson?” 

“Yes, I have.” 

“And tell me, what is it that you’ve learned?” 

“I’ve tried my hardest to give my Ricky a good life, but I haven’t been there for him. I’ve missed every significant milestone in his life. He needs me around.” 

“Very good.” 

“I know what I must do now. I tried my hardest to not be like my father, but like him I have not been present in my son’s life. The process was different but the result was the same.” 

“So, what comes next?” 

“I’ve made plenty of money in my lifetime. But I’ve barely spent any time with my son. I will quit my job tomorrow. Hopefully it’s not too late for me to learn how to be a father.” 

“Well, my job here is done then.” 

“So, you really aren’t the grim reaper then, are you?”

“I am what you made me to be.” 

“Ok, clear! Let’s try it one more time.”

Whoomp 

Beep… Beep… Beep… 

“We have a pulse! Man was he lucky. Someone up there was watching over him. He’s lost a good amount of blood, but he only has a concussion, a broken leg, and a few cracked ribs. He’s going to be alright folks! Step on the gas, we still need to get him to the hospital though.”

Richard opened his eyes and smiled. He knew what he needed to do next. 

Writing. Plain, simple, unadulterated. I am a storyteller, an essayist, a poet, a writer, a thinker, a mental health advocate, a regular real life human being