I know I haven’t posted in a while. Miss me yet? For what it’s worth, I had this post queued up and ready to go. I had every intention of finishing this and posting it a few weeks ago. But as per the usual, life doesn’t always work out according to plan. Now, don’t freak out… But I had Covid. I tested positive on January 14^th, so this post as well as a couple of other things ended up being put on hold. I started feeling symptoms the previous Monday. Why’d it take me three days to get tested? Well, I didn’t think I had it until I was already at work on Wednesday. And I still stubbornly stayed the whole day, which proved to be a mistake.  

So, what happened? How did I feel? Glad you asked! I felt like shit, to say the least. Now, I didn’t get it too bad. My case was somewhere between asymptomatic and hospital visit. I’m young, relatively healthy, and I’ve always had a strong immune system. So, this was in-line with what I was expecting when they told me the test results. It started out with a sore throat on Monday, on Tuesday I started feeling body aches and alternating between chills and sweats. Wednesday, I started having shortness of breath and congestion. It felt like I was walking around in cold altitude is how I would describe it. Thursday, I developed a cough and my brain started going cloudy. There was not much I could do. Intake Vitamin C, take some painkillers, drink soup, sip tea, get some rest. I just needed to let the illness run its course. Thank God that it did. I’m back baby! Things are pretty much back to normal, although I do have a slight stuffy nose that refuses to go away. I think that’s how it’s going to be, for the time being. I’m OK with that.   

I still have my health, Covid did nothing to diminish that. And now I have my mind back, so there’s nothing that can stop me! I’d have to say this is the sickest I’ve ever felt, although that’s not saying much. I’ve fortunately been extremely blessed when it comes to physical health. I rarely get sick. There’s a total of one time in my life where I felt sick enough to compare to this experience. A few years back I had the flu. I had gotten it due to an extremely dumb decision that didn’t even need hindsight to see how dumb it was. I shared a joint with someone who admittedly told me that he had the flu. You know how it is, we’re young and we’re dumb. We think we’re invincible. Surprise, surprise, I ended up getting the flu. Again, stubborn me tried to work through it. I refused to call out, showed up to work on Monday and Tuesday, and was miserable throughout. I ended up taking the rest of the week off. Now this happened in 2015. I had never felt that sick up til then, or since. Until now. In my experience, was Covid worse than the flu? I hesitate to give it a definitive yes. Six years is a long time. It’s hard to say exactly how I felt. Was Covid equally as bad as that flu? Yes, without question. So, what’s the point of all this? Well… nothing. It’s just a long-winded intro to explain where I’ve been the last month and a half or so. With you in spirit, but not in mind. Stay safe guys, be careful. I still don’t know how exactly I got Covid. I’ve been wearing a mask everywhere and being cautious. Covid doesn’t give a shit! Socially distance until they say otherwise. We’ll get through it eventually.  

Well now that I’ve sufficiently used up your attention span, let the planned post commence. The day came and went without much fanfare like most other days. It was a momentous occasion but one that I didn’t feel needed celebrating. A few weeks ago, marked the one-year anniversary of me quitting my job. It’s not something I would’ve even remembered if it wasn’t for TimeHop. I had taken a picture of the email that was the catalyst. The last straw. That picture was the only thing I kept in remembrance of that day. This is not a story that I’ve told many people (although I wrote a post about this last year apparently). Simply because there never really seemed to be an appropriate time to talk about it, and because the negativity surrounding the incident would only serve to overshadow the immense good that came as a result. Turning a new leaf, starting fresh, starting over. And that’s what I really needed all that time. Something to live for, a goal to strive towards. I needed something to push me.   

And this was it. I’d been talking about leaving this job for years. But it never happened. I made up excuses, ones that I eventually started to believe. I made plans, ones that I didn’t follow through with. When I first started there as an intern in November 2013, I was planning on staying there short-term. Get some experience then be on my way. When it came time to graduate the following December, I realized that it would be much easier to continue on there, rather than to start the job hunt anew. So, I asked and I received. The intention then was to stay on for 2 years, then find my way out. Evidently that did not work out. Life had other things in store for me. That summer, the person training me went on maternity leave, so I was thrown in the proverbial fire. No longer with a crutch to lean upon, I started figuring things out on my own. My growth was imminent and exponential. So, when we reached the one-year mark, things were good. I was learning new skills and being overloaded with information. But I was able to handle it, I could process it. But after my second summer being full-time, things started going downhill from there.  

The year was 2016, and my lease was almost up. None of my housemates were planning on staying in the area so I had to figure something out. Luckily for me, I had a friend who was also moving out of his current place, and was looking for a roommate. It was destiny. Kismet. Meant to be. So I packed up my stuff and headed to Queens. New locale, so it was time for a new job. I took some time to get settled in, then I hopped back on the (job) boards. I went slow at first, working my way up, but once I started finding my groove, fate had other plans for me. This time, my supervisor went on maternity leave, so I was given additional burdens to bear. Consequently, my plans for leaving were thus scrapped. I soldiered on. I continued to grin and bear it. It wasn’t so bad; things could be worse. And boy, somehow things did get worse before they got better. But I guess that’s to be expected. It’s always darkest before the dawn as they say.  

I ended up staying there for three more years, for a grand total of six years. If you think six years is a long time for a millennial to stay at one job, then I’d say you’re right. You’re absolutely right, six years is a significant amount of time. But in order for me to leave this job, certain things needed to happen in my life. Things out of my control. Some circumstances that were downright shitty at the times that they happened, but in retrospect were absolutely essential. I needed to be broken down, rebuilt, and restored. This was a multi-step process. And maybe that’s what I kept missing all those years. I tried to skip steps, tried to jumpstart to the end. We all know that it never works out that way. But somehow, some way I kept rinsing and repeating. Naively expecting a better outcome. But if you don’t have a solid foundation you’ll never get very far. A few steps forwards, a thousand steps back. And that was me for a long time. Without a solid foundation. Standing in the midst of traffic. Easy prey for the wolves. We know what some of my wolves are, I’ve been talking about them for over a year now. But as we all know, I’m extremely stubborn and refused to see things from a different perspective, even though my current perspective wasn’t working in the slightest.  

So how does one address these issues? You need to admit that you are broken, and be willing to accept outside help. It’s ok to acknowledge that you can’t do everything on your own. Just because you asked for help, doesn’t mean that you are weak. You are far from weak. It takes a strong will to admit your faults to yourself and others. It takes a strong mind to alter your thought process and realize that things aren’t working. It takes a strong heart to be able to assist others on their journey while you’re still figuring things out for yourself. Oftentimes we miss the forest for the trees. We diminish our accomplishments; we downplay our strengths and our skillsets. We’ve spent so much time self-deprecating that we forgot that there are things that we’re actually good at. We don’t realize or appreciate how resilient we are. Sometimes we lack confidence in ourselves because we’re too busy comparing ourselves to others. But we have to stay focused. Keep our eye on our prize. Aim high, and shoot for the stars. Set goals that are realistic for you. We have to give ourselves more freedom to live out our own dreams. We have to stop being followers, and start being doers. Stop keeping up appearances and keeping up with the Joneses. Focus on you, and what’s beneficial for you, and what success looks like for you. Doing what’s best for you, guarantees happiness, trust me. When your life is fulfilling, you have something to live for. Finding that something could take years or even decades, but finding it is absolutely necessary. Life is easier when you love what you’re doing. Finding a purpose helps you set appropriate goals, both short-term and long-term. It’s important to set goals that are ambitious, yet attainable. Not end goals, but rather staging points to continuously launch yourself to bigger and better things.  

I’ll be straight with you, goal-setting had always been an issue for me. I was a mess before I started going to therapy. Maybe that’s why I needed therapy. Chicken or egg. That’s neither here nor there. I will never not recommend seeing a therapist if you think you need one. The stigma regarding mental health is lessening, but it is still taboo in many circles. Let’s abolish this false narrative. Let’s talk about it. Your mental health is important. Period. Point blank. No ifs, ands, or buts. Take care of yourself. Your mind is your strongest weapon. Your emotions are your shield. Protect yourself. Strengthen your weak areas. Cut out anyone or anything that doesn’t make you a better version of yourself. Speaking from experience, this starts with your mindset. Continues with the people you surround yourself with and the goals you set for yourself, and culminates with the impact you make on society and the way(s) you give back. Giving back is paramount, non-negotiable. It is a pre-requisite for unlocking greater blessings in your life. I try not to be pushy, but let’s be honest. If you’re not giving back, what’s the point? Big or small, it doesn’t matter. What matters, is the act of giving. What will your legacy be? Do you want to be remembered as the miserly scrooge who cared for no one but himself? The one who took, took, took but never gave? The universe reads energy. Karma is real. That is something I firmly believe. You won’t find this doctrine written explicitly in the Bible. But tell me, is the Golden Rule not a loose interpretation of this Buddhist maxim? Think about it. People who have a negative mindset are more apt to have bad things happen to them. Those who find joy in the little things are generally happier. That isn’t to say that only good things happen to positive people, or only bad things happen to negative people. But you can try to channel this energy. Giving positively in order to receive positively. Mindset is half the battle.   

Mindset establishes the tone for your life. For the most part, things don’t just happen. A glass doesn’t fall off the table unless it is affected externally. It has to be disrupted by something, whether it be a human hand, a pet, or an earthquake. Likewise, for humans, actions start with thoughts. Therefore, your life trajectory is initially determined by how you think and what you think about. Once this seed leaves your brain, either through word or action, you lose a lot of control. The seed is affected and altered by other’s opinions, the actions of others, x-factors, etc. The seed that began as your own has now become part of the world. Thus, it is important to grow this seed and nurture it on your own before you impart it unto the ether. Form this seed with a solid core, a firm foundation. This applies to most everything (ideas, business plans, stories, and so on) but let’s focus on your mindset, and your world view. Your mindset is the basis of your thought process. It takes an objective situation and infuses it with your own distinct flavor. This in turn, forms your world view – how you perceive the things around you. Without a strong base, it is easy to be swayed to and fro. Like a flower in the wind without firm root.   

That’s why it’s so important to pay attention to your mental health. What are the red flags going off in your brain? What is broken? Can it be fixed? Listen to yourself. If something feels off or isn’t right, there’s likely something wrong. Sometimes our bodies are smarter than we are. Oftentimes we don’t like to deal with pain because we’re afraid to get hurt. We don’t want to deal with the emotions because we’re too scared. That’s all fine and good sometimes. We’re not always ready to address these issues right away. But you have to deal with them eventually. Pain reveals our weaknesses. It opens up our blind spots. It shows us what needs to be worked on. Adversity makes us stronger; it builds character. It sucks, I know, trust me, I know. But without it nothing changes. We stick with the status quo. Which can sometimes leave us in a rut. Granted everyone is different. Each person has their own strategy when it comes to tackling challenges. For me, I became too comfortable. What I had could’ve been worse, but I wasn’t willing to take the risks to pursue something better. I wasn’t happy, I was content. But that was as good as I could get. I didn’t know what happiness looked like; I didn’t know that it was something I could attain. I had repressed my emotions so deep that I temporarily removed many of the challenges from my life. But that’s just it, that’s a temporary fix to a more deep-seated problem. But eventually the reaper comes calling. The bill comes due… with interest! The thing you buried and marked as “complete” has only been given more room to fester and grow. Grow into a monster.  

You know how it is. They tell us to be strong, but they define strength as being emotionless, being stoic. We need to be macho men who love cars, sports, and working out. They want us to be the strong, silent type. We don’t talk about our feelings; we don’t talk about our wants and desires. We are men. That’s what they like to tell us. But this is far from the truth. This is not true strength. True strength comes from having mental fortitude. From being who we’re meant to be, and being true to ourselves. True strength comes in many shapes and sizes. There is no one-size-fits-all cookie cutter model, no matter how much they try to tell us otherwise. Each person is unique. We are all individuals. Try to remember that. It’s ok to have your doubts, it’s ok to show emotion, to have your insecurities. Bottling it up is what they tell you to do, but it’s not what you should be doing. The healthiest way to address your issues is to address them head-on.   

But know this. In order to address them head-on you have to be real with yourself. Being real with yourself will open you up to past traumas. It will make you focus on emotions that you’d rather not think about. Be mentally prepared for criticism. It took 22 months of hard work to get to where I am today. Yes, therapy was hard work. It involved sharing personal details, and making myself vulnerable. It meant digging into my past and my upbringing. It took analyzing my faith (or lack thereof), it took examining my relationships with people around me. It took time and effort. But it was well worth it in the end. I overcame my fears, I conquered my depression, I learned to control my anxiety. But none of that happens without first realizing that things weren’t working; accepting that I didn’t have all the answers; and acknowledging that I needed help. After that, I was able to move forwards. Once I got my mind right, everything else started to click in place. 

But like I said earlier, this was a multi-step process. It turns out that many aspects of my life were not where they needed to be. For 20+ years I did not have a firm foundation, and my coping mechanisms were faulty. I thought I had things under control. Sure, things sucked but it always followed a cycle. I just had to anticipate the changes by watching the signs. I just needed to savor the good times, and wait out the bad times, right? WRONG. This type of thinking is accepting defeat, it opens up the way for negativity to flood into your life. It leads to disappointment and failure. This is the sign of a weak mind. You’ve resigned yourself to the “fact” that things will never get better, that you can’t heal, that you’re fucked up beyond repair. This type of self-doubt is not healthy or necessary. No matter how you look at it, this type of thinking will never bear fruit. It is the path of destruction, the way towards implosion and breakdown. Work on your mind first, and everything will follow. 

Once we started digging deep in our sessions, we were able to trim & prune. Separate the good from the bad. Find my true essence. Find who I am. With my emotions locked away for the longest time, my identity had been lost. I didn’t know who I was, because I turned my eye from my pain. I bandaged up my trauma, and called it good. I found that I relied too much on the opinions of my peers. I was too focused on how others perceived me. I let others dictate to me how I should live my life. I had no ambition, no dreams, because my true purpose had been suppressed. My calling was unrevealed to me because I was listening to the wrong voices. I needed to be around others because I was scared of the thoughts I would have when I was alone. In short, I lacked confidence in myself, and in my abilities. I lamented being a loser, for not having the life I wanted. But I never genuinely worked towards it or fully realized what it was that I was looking for. In the end, all it really took was some introspection and a push to nudge me in the right direction. But first I needed to remove the scales from my eyes. See that I was blessed beyond belief, and gifted with talent. Grow my confidence bit by bit.  

One way my therapist recommended doing that was keeping a journal. Logging positivity daily. What went well today? What did I like about myself today? What am I grateful for today? Three questions, three sentences, three answers. A method of bringing balance to your innately cynical perspective. Injecting positivity into the miasma that is tainting your brain. Manufactured ardor. The more you tell yourself that your life is good, the more you start to believe it. Eventually positivity becomes your truth. And life gets easier. Maintaining a positive outlook allows you to take a step back and not be so uptight. Your perspective changes and you start counting your blessings and you stop taking things for granted. Your mind opens up. The things weighing in the back of your mind start to dissipate. Your headspace clears up, allowing you to redirect your focus towards what’s next. You’ve been told many a time to keep an open mind, but opening up your mind is equally as important. For me, opening up my mind brought me back to church. 

You and I both know that I have many issues regarding “the Church.” Many “Christians” give us a bad name. My problems are not with Jesus, but with the people and the institution. For several years, it was hard for me to make this distinction, and so it was just easier to cut ties entirely. The people turned me off to religion, and the institution separated me from the love of God. Sad to say, but everyone has an agenda. Whether or not there’s an ulterior motive is a discussion for a different day. Be wary of the doctrine that’s being pushed upon you. Question everything. Take nothing for fact at face value. The tone and voice of God is distinct, and it may come from unexpected places. But by the same token, the voice of a loved one may be speaking for the devil. You need to learn to distinguish the voices around you. The time I spent away from the church helped me to learn. It helped me to tear down the groundwork and start from scratch. It showed me what was Biblical and helped me separate myself from what was merely churchly. Know this: not everything you learn from church is from God. And not everything from the Bible can or should be taken literal. Remember the cultural context. Somethings can be applied both then and now, but not all. The time I spent away showed me that I still needed Him. I didn’t lose my faith or my belief per se, but the strength of my convictions had disappeared completely. Repairing my broken mind helped to restore my faith, it helped me find my purpose, helped me fix my eye upon a higher goal. 

Once I redirected my focus, what I had soon increased ten-fold. What I thought was the best for me, now became the floor. What I had, was now due to the least of my abilities. There was more, and I could see a path towards it. It became evident that the cap that was limiting me from fulfilling my potential was merely a mental blockage. It was my mindset that was holding me back the whole time. What I thought I knew, was only the beginning. I thought I knew how to manage my money, but it turns out that it was only the start. I thought I was making the right decisions to guide me on the path to success. But it turns out that this was someone else’s path, not what was right for me. No wonder I was miserable. Not only was I at a dead-end job, but I was at the wrong one. I was at a place whose values did not align with my own. That’s a sure sign that it’s time for something new. Time for something better. You’ve gotten to your comfort zone, but you’ve outgrown your situation.  

Time to move on. “Good enough” is never good enough. By uttering those words you’ve accepted your position in life. In an ever-changing world you’ve allowed yourself to stagnate. In MMA there are three phases: standup, the clinch, and the ground game. One matchup that they like to pair together often is the classic striker vs. grappler matchup. One guy is trying to stay on his feet, while the other guy is trying to take him down. Oftentimes when the striker gets taken down, you hear the commentators talk about the bottom fighter not accepting the takedown. They are either constantly working their way back up to their feet or trying to set up a submission of their own. Likewise, we should not accept where we’re at in life. Always look for an avenue to improve or look for a way out. Moving laterally is acceptable if it shows you a new path towards greatness. Achieving greatness, and becoming successful should always be your end goal. It’s up to you to define success and figure out the way there. But you don’t have to go it alone. Everyone has different experiences in life. Everyone faces a distinct set of challenges. But these challenges are not unique. Someone somewhere has gone through the same thing that you’re going through. If you don’t have the answers, it’s possible to find them from someone else, or to draw them from yourself. Maybe you actually do know the answer, but you haven’t been looking at it from the right viewpoint. 

Therapy or no therapy, introspection is critical. It’s another life skill that needs to be learned and sharpened. It’s important to be able to look at your life objectively, to take a non-biased view of what is going on. There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and another between fact and delusion. Is your life in line with where you want it to be? If not, what are the steps you need to take in order to get there? Are you accepting responsibility for the adversity in your life or are you blaming others? Do you recognize your faults or are you overvaluing your skillset? You don’t need to come up with solutions right away, but you have to at least think about it and reflect. Introspection, in the end, was really the greatest tool that I added to my toolbox over the last two years. My therapist had some answers for me, but much of them came from reflection under her guidance. And with introspection, I was able to better my life. 

Maintaining the status quo was no longer tenable. I knew I was worth so much more, and capable of doing greater things. But I’d been mired in mediocrity for so long that it took time for the notion of leaving to ripen. It took all of 16 months to finally make my way out. But make my way out I did and I haven’t looked back. When I started therapy, I was broken and lost. When I left, I was a new man with a new outlook on life. In our final session, my therapist asked me how I felt. I told her that I was energized and excited for the next chapter in life. For the first time in a long time, I finally had a healthy mind. It took labor and toil to fortify my mind, to build me from the bottom up, to make me stable enough to sustain myself. But with much help I did it. The time was finally right. To move on, to start fresh, to make a clean break.

All those times I tried to move on before, they don’t matter. The timing wasn’t right. I didn’t have all the tools I needed. However, God still had a plan for me throughout, even when I wasn’t listening to Him. Even when I was throwing a daily pity party, even when I felt unloved, He was still with me, guiding my steps. I had neglected my emotions for so long; it was time to come to grips with them and tackle them once and for all. It was time to talk about my depression, talk about my anxiety. I could no longer hide from them. I needed to understand my emotions and give them room to roam, instead of bottling them up where the sun don’t shine. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be upset, but it’s important to find where these emotions are stemming from and determine whether or not they’re justified. Becoming in tune with my emotions was one of the secondary goals of our therapy sessions. Once we accomplished the task at hand, we were able to move to our tertiary target: defining career aspirations. 

With extreme deliberation, in our last ten months together, we were able to determine what it was that I was looking for, what was working, and what wasn’t. We redefined the purpose for my life, and it became clear that I wasn’t thinking about things the right way. Subconsciously I reverted to my normal excuse-making behavior. I couldn’t write until I got a job that facilitated writing. Getting a marketing job would encourage me to write more. I write best when I’m inspired. These are just some of the excuses that I made. I remember in a job interview I had a few years ago, the interviewer asked me what my hobbies were. I told him that I liked reading. He then followed up with whether or not I liked writing, and I told him, “I should write more but I don’t.” I am lightyears away from the person that gave that answer. I don’t care if you want me to write, I don’t care what you want me to write about. All that matters is that I write for me.

This whole time, my calling, my purpose was sitting right there in front of me. But I wasn’t able to see it until year 27. I pray that you find your calling sooner rather than later. But there is never a time that is too late. Some of us are late bloomers. When I was younger, I wrote songs, I wrote poems, but becoming a writer was never an option in my mind. It was something I never really thought about. Writing was a strength that I always took for granted. Not everyone is flowery with their prose, not everyone has a way with words, not everyone can tell a story. Truth be told, I can’t really talk right, I’m awkward as hell. But I can write a kick-ass sentence, and I’m blessed for it. 

All it took was gentle but consistent nudging. Something that I didn’t have for much of my life. All I needed was someone to reveal my strength to me. To buttress my resolve. To build my confidence. To reconstruct my shattered mind. To find emotion. To have ambition. Once all things were in place, only then could I move on. I left my misery in the previous decade. I said so long to my pain. Once I found myself again, I was able to make a clean break.

As you know, August has historically been a tough month for me. One filled with disappointment, regret, anguish, and distress. But this year is different, as was last year. It’s now October, and I made it through unscathed. Hallelujah! There were little to no tears in August or September this year. There were bad moments, but no bad days. I’m telling you, I’m different now. I won’t fall back into that chasm, beating my drum of gloom & doom. I’m a better person, a happier person, a healthier person. A more helpful person. I’ve certainly been blessed in 2020. And although Covid sucks (can’t believe I’m still saying this in goddamn October), we have to make the most of it.

The entire situation was unforeseen, even if you were paying attention to China in January. No one expected the whole world to fall apart. But that’s why you have to prepare for the worst. You can’t always go into things willy-nilly. Balance is always key. Being prepared is essential. I’ll admit, spontaneity is something I sorely lack, but I’m not caught with my pants down very often. Very little surprises me or phases me, maybe this is my cynicism speaking. But I would like to think that I’m very logical and realistic as well. Some positive traits passed onto me from my dad. And I’m extremely grateful for it. Cause although I’m not super motivated by money, I do think a whole lot about my financial situation. Or at least I did. Once I started working and got my own credit card(s) I put a strong emphasis on thinking about what rent I could afford and what sort of lifestyle I could live. I always paid my credit card balance in full, on time. I always set aside enough money for rent. I tried to keep between $3000 and $5000 in my account as a rainy day fund (that cushion has since increased significantly). I never spent money I didn’t have. No one taught me this behavior, I learned it on my own.

Which unfortunately was also the case for most millennials. They never taught us about financial stability or financial freedom. They told us when we came of age that we needed to start being responsible, but they never told us how. And if they did, they didn’t say it loud enough. But let’s be honest, the old generation probably wasn’t told about this either. Life is a lot of figuring things out on your own. Trial and error. College does a lot of teaching you how to discern, and filling you with knowledge. But where higher education seriously lacks is in teaching life skills. It’d be great if we were taught how to cook, buy a house, rent a car, write business emails, be frugal. If they taught us about interest, 401ks/IRAs, or credit cards. But alas we weren’t, we were sent off into the world and told to figure it out. Some people sink right away, while others flourish. But most tread water until they reach a point of reckoning. That all comes with the burden of being an adult. We don’t have to have all the answers, but we need to at least be willing to seek them out, and to keep an open mind.

We’re told this all the time growing up. But sometimes you don’t fully understand what it means until you mature. Keeping an open mind pertains to lifestyle, personality, and desires, amongst other things. But a subtlety that’s often missed is taking it to mean being prepared for anything that life throws at you. It means equipping yourself with the right tools and setting yourself up for success. In order to keep an open mind in every facet of your life you need to have freedom. Freedom to do what you want, buy what you want. Freedom to live the life you want, the life you deserve. To not be beholden to your financial situation, your job, or other people. You don’t have to make a lot of money to not be broke, as long as you live within your means. It’s hard to save money at first, but it gets easier. It comes with the knowledge and understanding that you don’t need all this shit. You don’t need ALL the latest gadgets, you don’t need to buy everything that you want, and you don’t need additional clutter. I’ll admit, I have a lot of shit, my parents have a lot of shit. We might be borderline hoarders. But a lot of what we have is old. We use things until they breakdown. We continue using things that still partially work. I’d like to think that I’m low maintenance and easy going. I don’t spend money on expensive things. I do buy things that I don’t need, but I have the freedom to do so if I want to. I don’t owe anyone anything.

Again, Covid sucks. But I wasn’t stressing during my quarantine. Because I thought things through, because I planned things out. I wasn’t reliant on the $1200 stimulus check. It was bonus money for me, but my life wasn’t depending on it. I was able to survive because I had money squirreled away. But again, balance is key. There’s such a thing as saving too much, just as there’s such a thing as saving too little. There’s spending too much time alone, and there’s spending too much time with others. Don’t invest so much in your future that you forget to live in the present. Don’t focus so much on the present that you don’t prepare yourself for the future. Balance is something I’m still learning. Something we’re all still learning. It’s a cyclical process. You learn, you understand, you find balance, until you reach your next milestone, until your circumstance changes. And your circumstance will change. It will always change. That’s the way of life. Your situation may stay constant, your schedule remain consistent, but only for a moment. Every minute we grow older; each new day is something different.

Since life goes on, you have to always be prepared. Don’t have a kid if you’re not ready. Don’t buy a house if you don’t have the finances. Accidents and mistakes happen, but they are more bearable if you’ve spent the time previously to plan things out. For many, the American Dream is to buy a house before you turn 30, to move up the corporate ladder, or to run your own business/be your own boss. But let me tell you, these dreams are not for everyone. It’s perfectly fine to have your own benchmark for success, to dream your own dreams, to blaze your own trail. I for one, can tell you that none of those three dreams would’ve worked out for me. If I bought a house before 30 I would’ve been broke years ago. I do want to buy a house at some point, but I’m not capping myself with an arbitrary time limit. I do not currently have the means to buy a house. If I were to move up the corporate ladder I would be miserable. I don’t like managing other people, I don’t like being in charge, I don’t like sucking up to the man, I don’t like being responsible for other people’s action/inaction. Really, I don’t like people period. If I tried to run my own business I would also be broke. Yes, my end goal is to work for myself, but not in the traditional sense. I’ve learned through the years that a 9-to-5 is not what I’m meant for. I don’t need to re-stress how valuable my writing is to me. These conventional dreams are not attainable for me, and that’s ok. What’s important is staying true to myself. I know what I value, and I know what success looks like for me. I know what I’m looking for, and I know what fulfilling my dream will look like. Once I began to understand what my purpose truly was, I found peace. And I hope that you find peace as well.

Remember that just because your goals don’t line up with someone else’s goals doesn’t mean that you’re on a lower level than them. You’re not on a different tier. Your dream is not any less legitimate. Don’t ever think that you’re lesser or that your dream is inferior. You’re slaying it. I know you are. Take back control. Step out of someone else’s shadow and pave your own way. Don’t live your parents’ dream for you. Don’t cater to your friend’s aspirations. Live your life as it’s meant to be lived. Stay true to yourself. Wholly dedicated to your ambition, and your ambition alone. But hear me when I say this. This does not mean getting what’s yours at whatever the cost. It means putting the work in to get what you want, but not being an asshole in doing so. It means not shitting on other’s dreams in order to build yourself up. It means not blocking someone else’s pursuits. We as humans are meant to work together, we can’t do everything on our own. There’s a lot more for us to learn, and a lot of this can be learned together. So be willing to accept help. Be willing to offer help. Be willing to acknowledge that sometimes you don’t have the answers, and be content with that. You don’t need to have all the answers. You won’t ever have all the answers. But know that we’re in this together. We’re here to build a better world for the future.

Each person plays a different role. Each individual has their own unique strengths and weaknesses. What’s beneficial for you may not be what’s beneficial for me, and vice versa. It’s thus our duty to pass on what we know, in hopes that someone else benefits from our experience. There isn’t one right way to live. We are not robots. Each person has their own nuanced way of thinking. Their own habits, their own interests, their own desires. That being said, don’t let anyone dampen your individuality. Don’t be afraid to be you. That’s something that took me a long time to learn. I was always so afraid of what people thought about me or worrying about being judged. But at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter. You learn from your mistakes and you move on. There’s no need to dwell on something embarrassing that happened years ago. There’s no reason to focus on stupid things you’ve said, or things you’ve done in anger. We live in the present, and we reminisce on the past. But we do not live in the past, devoting our attention to memories of former glory. Remember what I said in a previous post? We’re on an upwards trajectory, and with that we look ahead, we do not look behind.

Behind me is my depression. Behind me is my anxiety. Behind me is my fear of living up. Behind me are expectations that people had for me. Behind me is brokenness. But most importantly behind me is lack of confidence and self-love. I know what my worth is. I know my purpose. I know what my skillset is. My healing has come, and I’m ready to move onwards. No more wallowing, no more feeling sorry for myself. And with confidence, comes knowledge that I’m meant for so much more. I’m more than capable of pursuing and fulfilling my dreams. And to be quite honest, for a long time I had forgotten how to dream, I didn’t think I was allowed to. I thought dreams were just for kids. But that’s a lie from the devil. A lie told to minimize your productivity, to limit you from reaching your potential. You should always strive for something better, always strive for something more.

That’s why I can say with confidence that 2020 is still my year, it’s still your year, it’s still our year. Although things have not happened as expected, some good has still come out of this unprecedented situation. I’ve committed to my writing, I left a toxic work environment, I graduated from therapy, I learned to love myself. And I can only begin to tell you how critical all of this was to my development. In my writing, I found a goal, I found the drive that I felt I was so sorely lacking. I found satisfaction, I found fulfillment. In leaving my previous job, I achieved the following: ridding myself of excessive stress and aggravation; removing myself from the controlling grip of an impossible boss; freeing my mind from stewing negativity and bitterness; and reversing from a dead-end where I felt stuck. There were many valuable lessons I learned from therapy, so I won’t definitively state that one was most important. Each lesson has helped me in different ways. At the very least I will say that this one was vital: I learned to redefine my center line. I refocused my base. Instead of starting my days frustrated, and stacking annoyances, I was told to set my base at 0, and return to my centerline. This helped greatly in changing my thought process and my mind state. It helped me to evaluate my life in a different manner. No longer was I living a bad life or leading a shitty existence. I was now having a bad day in an otherwise great month, great year, great life. And that little distinction, that redefining means everything. It’s mind-blowing, it upends your world.

And it leads to other revelations, and a better understanding of yourself. I stopped being dependent on other people, I stopped seeking validation in others. Their opinions of me stopped mattering. Cause people will think what they want to think, they’re going to act how they want to act, they’re going to see what they want to see. There’s no changing that. You can try to influence your peers but there’s no guarantee that they will listen to you, let alone obey you. As such, the only thing you can control is yourself: your words, your thoughts, your actions, your reactions. I can say with conviction that confidence and self-love are the keys to living up to your fullest potential. Knowing your purpose frees you from the yoke of meeting other’s expectations. Having a healthy mind pays dividends in finding comfort for your soul. Knowing what you want in life prevents you from living every day on repeat. Stop going through the motions, there are brighter days ahead. There’s plenty to look forward to. 

And with that knowledge, there came another great realization for me. Seeking validation from those around me was more detrimental to me than I had ever imagined. Seeking validation prevented me from dreaming, from healing, from searching. Validation held me back, it made me fear missing out. It was like a leash pulling me here and there. It was my control. I let validation and FOMO drag me around because I wasn’t happy with myself. I didn’t want to be left behind because I feared the dark thoughts I had on my own. I feared the negativity in my mind. I feared the shadow of unchecked emotion that was hiding inside. I feared the collision of my mind and my heart. The pent up angst, the unbridled rage, the unresolved decades of hurt. So I locked it in a box, hidden behind all the haze. And soon, I forgot who I was.

My expectations became their expectations, my pursuits became synonymous with their pursuits. And that is why I was in a rut for so long. I was in a true downturn in my life. Bogged down by negativity and nihilism. My life felt worthless, and let’s be honest, it was worthless. I wasn’t living how I wanted to live, but I didn’t know how to do better, I didn’t know how to heal. I was always trying to please my parents or my friends, my work or the church. But what did I want for myself? What did I truly desire? I didn’t know, because I wasn’t in tune with my emotions. I ignored my mental well-being because I wanted validation. But I don’t need it, you don’t need it. Find your true purpose, find your true calling, and pursue it for as long as you have the desire, the passion. Once the passion fades, it’s onto something new. Onwards and upwards. No Mo FOMO. Brighter days ahead.

It is finally done. It only took 409 days, but it is complete. I have finished listening to The Wheel of Time on audiobook. What an experience. It was well worth the almost 450 hours that I spent listening to it. I probably could’ve read the series in less than half the time, but I have to admit that I was intimidated. Fourteen volumes. One of the greatest fantasy series of all time. A modern day classic. I had tried to start them several times, but for whatever reason, I was not able to get into them. I guess part of it was knowing that reading this would be a big commitment. I’m the type of reader who likes to read a series from start to finish if it isn’t still ongoing. There’s just too much going on in fantasy novels for you to jump back and forth from multiple worlds. I do have a habit of reading multiple books at once, but no more than four or five at once, and no more than two or three epic fantasies. Otherwise, it’s too overwhelming, too confusing, what have you.

That being said, listening to audiobooks is a new medium that I want to get into. But they are so damn expensive. An Audible subscription is $15 a month, an individual audiobook is $45-50 each. I just don’t have that type of money to throw away especially considering e-books generally cost no more than $8. Plus Audible limits the amount of books you can listen to each month, and the version offered with Prime has a small rotating selection of free books. I don’t want that type of restriction. I do have the Dark Tower audiobook files so that will be next after I listen to the WOT prequel. I’ll have to figure out what I want to do after that though. My logic behind listening to audiobooks is two-fold. There’s a lot of wasted time throughout the day such as when you’re driving, or when you’re playing a mobile game. And it’s much easier to multitask listening to a book as opposed to reading it.

The auditory voyage began last year, the week before Memorial Day. We were going to Montréal to visit our extended family. My parents and my sisters had taken a day or two off of work and were driving up from Massachusetts. I had a solo drive from Long Island. Due to the trouble I was having beginning the series, I planned on listening to the first book to “jump start my interest,” and afterward intended to read the e-books. This never materialized. At some point I decided to forego reading, and just listen to the entire series. I fell in love with the world, and the characters, in a way that I don’t think would’ve been possible without the superb narration and storytelling. I could strongly visualize each description, and event. Don’t get me wrong, I still love reading traditionally, but audio reading is a completely different experience. Some stories are just too rich, too dense to digest fully via text alone. A significant part of reading is comprehending the words that you’re feeding into your mind. This facet is not as involved in audio form. Many of the novels I read are not anywhere near as elaborate as WOT, ASOIAF, and the like. And with how expensive audiobooks are, I will not be spending heavily in this area. But to maximize the value of my dollar and to get the most fulfilling experience, I will find a way to acquire audiobooks for a number of the most comprehensive sagas.

I’ve occasionally referred to the last 7 years of my life as a fantastical journey. It began when I started reading Game of Thrones for the first time, and I feel it will continue on until the day I die. That’s what reading is for me. It’s part of my lifestyle. There is no end. I don’t foresee a time when I stop reading completely. There are new worlds to explore, new conflicts to spectate. New writers and old writers to discover. Escapism in portable form. One of the wrongest statements my mom ever made was, “people don’t really read anymore,” in response to me telling her that I wanted to become a writer. Writing, world building for me is still a work in progress. I’m still in the brainstorming, infancy stages. An ignorant, insensitive statement won’t stop me from pursuing my dream though. I will one day become a published fantasy author. I am willing it into existence. It will happen, because I will make it happen. And I’m not doing it for fame or notoriety or money. I’m doing it because it’s how I want to, and how I know I will make an impact. So what does that look like? It requires me to write, to read, to think, to research.

Without sounding like a broken record, out of those four aspects, writing has for years, been my biggest weakness. I made excuses instead of making content. I gave reasons for not writing, instead of actually writing. That’s as much as I’ll say about that, without repeating myself too much. The other three all go hand in hand. In order to gather ideas, to brainstorm plot & device, it involves reading, it involves thinking, it involves research. Someone recently asked me if I had given up on my novel. But it’s not like that at all. I have a premise, I have a few characters, I have a setting, and I have loose ideas. The glue is not yet there, nor is the meat of the story. But it doesn’t mean I’ve given up. Giving up sounds too much like finality. But how can we call the story finished when it’s barely just begun? It may take years, it may take decades, but I will help birth this tale, no matter the cost.

So for right now, I have taken a step back. I’ve been a step back for the last three months, but it doesn’t mean I’ve been wasting my time. I’m gathering info, I’m gaining inspiration, I’m bouncing ideas in my head. What character archetypes do I want to use? What real life cultural influences am I drawing from? What is the conflict? Who are the factions? These are a few of the many questions that I need to consider. Research must be done, especially for historical and/or societal texture. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun while conducting my research. Inspiration for stories, for new worlds, comes from everywhere, ranging from everyday life, to books, to movies, to videogames, to history. So for now, I am gathering information and making mental notes.

And that, like much of the rest of my life, is a subtle but major change that occurred in the last two years. Fear has played a significant role in my life throughout the years. One of the ways it revealed itself was in my decision making, especially when it came to reading selection or meal choice. I was always afraid of being disappointed, and thus would hold myself back from trying certain things. Your fear of disappointment is directly proportionate to the amount of risk-taking you inhibit. And boy, I can tell you, I blatantly obstructed any thrill-seeking. I used to say that I was spontaneous and adventurous, but that was far from the truth. I’m working on that, and I’m better about it now. But like many things, it’s still a work in progress. One way that I’ve progressed is in the type of fiction that I read.

For years, I’ve been hesitant to try new authors or different genres. But in order for my stories to be as immersive and complete as possible, I need outside influence. I need to explore my surroundings. Take in more of what I see, what I read, what I hear. Genre in a way is a binding concept. It sets expectations for outside consumers. If you like this, you will probably like that. It has its positives and its negatives. Yes, it promotes clearer organization, it helps to classify like items. But don’t let it paint you into a corner. Don’t let it trap you, and prevent your story from flowing naturally. There is much disparity within genres. Nothing is homogenous. Each author has their own take on many of the same tropes. Each author has their own style, and each individual sees the world differently. That is the basis of humanity. We have free will. We are not robots. That being said, why should our writing be robotic? Why does it need to be formulaic? Why does it need to fit in a box? Writing is an artistic expression of humanity. In order for your writing to be genuine, you need to let it flow. Let what’s important to you invigorate your stories. Let your passions show through. Don’t be afraid to genre bend.

Earlier in the year, I decided that I wasn’t going to be afraid anymore. That starts with risk-taking. That starts small. That starts with a conscious thought to try different things. To not be afraid of being disappointed by a new author. Nobody is telling me that I have to like every book I read. I don’t have to finish every book that I start. If something dissatisfies, it’s okay to let go, and move on. Log it in my mind to skip that author next time. After all, I won’t know if I like them, until I try. I do know that I can’t just continue with the status quo. If I truly want the lessons I’ve learned in therapy to take root, some change needs to occur. It doesn’t need to be wide scale or wholesale, but something needs to happen. It’s good to try new things, and to broaden your experiences. So instead of the same old epic fantasy or sword & sorcery, I’ve been checking out various things. After all there’s a lot more to unearth in speculative fiction. There’s sci-fi, horror, dystopian, slice-of-life. Some of it is nuanced, but some of it is as different as left is from right. Broad scopes, different strokes. There’s a lot to draw from. Magnum opuses from different mediums, different times.

That being said, I want to devote more time to reading classics. Literary giants like Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, William Faulkner. Feminist literature such as Jane Austen, Charlotte Brontë, Virginia Woolf. I want to consume more sci-fi and urban fantasy. And most importantly go back to the 80s and 90s to explore the fantasy landscapes that I’ve been too afraid to traverse. To visit Discworld, Malazan, Ere, Osten Ard. I’m no longer dominated by fear. I’m no longer dominated by intimidation. For my world to thrive, I have to constantly take in more from things around me. Build from the bottom up. Some authors can create multiple universes. Jump from story to story. A quick in and out. Enclosed stories within limited worlds. But that ain’t me. I’m a one world type of guy. I have a grand vision. A universe existent in my mind. The pieces of the puzzle are lying within. All I need to do is uncover them.

So I will range far and wide to find the perfect elements to incorporate. I will weave and build and create a masterpiece. I expect nothing less. The building blocks are there. The influences are there for me to uncover. It will be a monstrous task. But I need to look within. Gather from without. Weave, craft, and work some magic. It’s a coming, and it may be slow. But somehow, some way, some day, the stories in my mind will come to life. They tell you in school to let your imagination run wild. And truth be told, that’s never been an issue for me. The issue has always been making good use of it. Being productive. Not being stagnant or apathetic. Using my God-given ability to create things that I’m proud of. I didn’t always know it, but I was meant to be a creator. I’m meant to be a builder of worlds. A dreamweaver. I’m waiting patiently for my own Big Bang. Crafting it slowly. Years of thinking, years of processing will one day culminate in a great work of art that I will be immensely proud of. You best believe it. The mind of Justin will be epic. Work needs to be done for my ideas to come to fruition. But one day, my story will be complete, and I will be pleased to share it with the world around me.