People Suck

In my last post I had said that one of my hopes for 2020 is finally kicking my depression to the curb. But it’s occurred to me that my struggles with depression and my struggles with anxiety are two distinctly different fights. Sometimes they show up in similar ways, but these are separate entities. It’s never a fair fight; most of the time they tag team. They have the same effect though, both things make me feel shitty about myself. I guess that’s why I’ve had so much trouble ridding myself of either issue. Seems obvious, but it makes so much sense.

I’m the type to get easily overwhelmed. When I’m trying to concentrate on two things at once it’s hard for me to focus. This isn’t to say I’m a bad multitasker. That’s yet another discussion. But when it comes to addressing a defining moment/issue/plan in my life, I have to tackle it one thing at a time. It took me way too long to figure this out, but I know better now. I’m hard-headed. I’m stubborn. I don’t like asking for help. Maybe this is why it took me so long to understand, so long to change. But change is happening, slowly, but surely.

This stubbornness usually ended up with me trying to do things my way, but trying & failing and trying & failing. As they say, doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results is craziness. I mean sure, people can have multiple “my ways,” but my way was usually the same way. In 2014, I was getting ready to graduate college, but due to my lack of motivation, focus, and effort early on in my career, I was going to need an extra semester to do so. I was and am a smart kid; I just didn’t see it, I didn’t know my self-worth. I don’t know about many other cultures, but Chinese immigrant parents stress education more than anything else in the world. To be educated is to show the world that brawn is not worth more than brains. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing, education objectively is extremely important. But is it everything? Of course not! Or at least it shouldn’t be. That’s what I was told as a kid. But actions, behaviors, mentalities, beliefs all speak louder than words.

Growing up as an Asian-American Christian is not something I regret. After all, there’s nothing I could’ve done about it. All I can do is take the lessons I learned and apply them to my life and pass them on to my children. That being said, I wouldn’t want my kids to have the same upbringing as me. The culture that I grew up in was extremely sheltered. I understand my parents were trying to do what they thought was best for me. We attended one of the best public high schools in Massachusetts, one that was named a Blue Ribbon school in 2009. Grades were the main focus for everybody. If you didn’t get straight A’s, it was almost like you weren’t worth anybody’s time. But I didn’t have focus, I didn’t have drive. I was the kid who didn’t study or stress, but still ended up with mostly B’s and a handful of C’s. I was also delusional. I was convinced the world was going to end really soon, and thus I didn’t take things seriously. I didn’t develop good friendships in my high school years. Every so often I’ll come across a picture on Facebook and I’ll be like, “wow. These kids from high school still hang out.” I never had that, and I never will. The school mentality and the culture of the school was, unfortunately one that told you that, “great is not good enough. Only perfect is.” There were kids complaining about their 2100 or 2200 SAT scores, saying things like, “I was so close. So close. Just a few questions off.” How do you think that made me feel, sitting here with my 1870? It made me feel like a real dumb ass.

So you can sort of see why my sense of self-worth was so skewed right? Well if you can’t, let me make it more clear. Growing up in an ethno-specific church was pretty damaging for me growing up. I’ll get more into the specifics on a later post. And because I wasn’t actively making or keeping friends at school, it kept me very closed off to people of other races and ethnicities. I was ignorant and sheltered. I didn’t know the way the world worked, or understand that people are mostly garbage. I think maybe my habits and behaviors helped to reinforce my shelteredness. But probably the biggest issue with going to a Chinese church is it’s hard for a young kid to distinguish between the different things that are taught to you there. What is a faith-based doctrine originating from the Bible vs. what is based on Chinese culture? It’s hard to tell. There’s usually a fine line between it all. Yes, some Chinese culture based concepts are also in the Bible, such as familial piety and respecting your elders. But is it as important in the Bible as it is in Chinese culture? Probably not. As a kid, you don’t really question these things. You don’t think about your faith. You inherently believe that everything your parents teach you is right. Everything that you learn in church is doctrinally sound. But that’s not the case. Once you’re old enough to understand, you have to find your own truth.

Growing up in an evangelical Chinese church in what is often called a spiritually dead state was tough. I don’t know how other Chinese churches are like, but looking back on it, it feels like there was some overcompensation involved in the teachings. It was always stressed how dangerous the pleasures of this world are. So much so that it felt like one of the main goals was learning how to not be bad, as opposed to learning how to actually be a good person. I feel like that value was missed. This inevitably led me to have an insane amount of guilt constantly. It had me striving for perfect, when perfect was unattainable. This quest, as stated, was further reinforced at school. This was the mindset, so don’t be surprised when I tell you that I felt like I could never live up.

So I didn’t push myself very hard. I did just enough to get a grade that everyone would be content with. This was a precursor to the anti-risk-taker that I’ve become. Boy, was I in for a surprise when I got to college. I actually had to do work. I needed to study, and do the homework. Make sure I kept up with the workload. Most importantly I needed to make sure I understood the course material as I was going through. If I didn’t understand, I needed to go over the homework and do the practice problems until they made sense. I ended up getting a D in Math my first semester. By far, the worst grade I ever got. The rest of my college career was spent making up for this poor grade. My grades were all A’s and B’s going forward, so my GPA was steadily improving. But that one grade, falling behind on my track, and accidentally taking courses I didn’t need made it so that an extra semester was necessary. Long tangent aside, Stony Brook University only lets you live on campus for a maximum of 8 semesters, so I had to find off-campus housing with some friends who were basically in the same boat as me.

I ended up living in a house near the campus for two years. Some of the roommates rotated out after the first year. This was the spring of 2016. This was when work started getting bad. I had already found out that my current roommates weren’t planning on renewing the lease, so I needed to find something else. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I eventually settled on moving to Queens, and I somehow made the decision to look for a job and look for an apartment at the same time. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t work out. My eyes were looking two directions at once, so neither thing had my focus. The lease ended at the end of July, it was now the beginning of July. I got lucky in that I had a friend who was also looking for a place, and he proposed that we live together. This was the first time I made this mistake, but wouldn’t be my last.

Fast forward two years, it’s August 2018. Work still sucks. My roommate has told me that he’s moving across the country. He’s going to live with his sister for the month of September, and he’ll be 5000 miles away in October. The month of August I was getting duped by that shitty realtor who kept bait & switching me, telling me he had an apartment for me when he really didn’t. Again, for some odd reason I had decided to look for a job and look for an apartment at the same time. Which, as we know, didn’t work out the first time. That realtor was at least gracious enough to find something temporary for me. But I was still being hard-headed. I had it imprinted in my brain that I was going to stay in Queens. Don’t ask me where I got that notion from, but I was pretty firm in saying, “no way I’m going back to Long Island.” But I’m a suburban kid, my girlfriend is on Long Island, and my work is also there. What am I gonna do? Eventually I was talked into making the logical choice. But the depression bug was hitting me hard at that point.

And he called his friend anxiety into the fray as well. Looking for an apartment was stressing me out. My accident with that lady and the subsequent contemplation of suicide had driven my thoughts deeper into an increasingly darker place. I had returned from a vacation in Europe at the end of July feeling like I was being haunted. My mind was spinning out of control. My friends depression and anxiety were clamping onto my brain and my heart like a vice. My life was falling apart. In October, I went on a weekend trip to Vermont with my girlfriend. I was still in a weird mental headspace. I had just recently started seeing a therapist every other week, but I wasn’t at the point where I was fully comfortable with her or where I took everything she said to heart. It was a new experience for me. I had seen a therapist in college on and off for a bit, but it wasn’t anything consistent, and therefore we weren’t able to uncover and unpack the brokenness, the pain, and the lack of control in my life. My mom, being the way that she is, whether consciously or subconsciously, took advantage of my broken state. After my suicide attempt, she, like any sane parent, wanted to keep an eye and an ear on me. We talked on the phone regularly. I was having issues with my relationship (mostly my fault). My mom somehow got it into her head that it was appropriate to ask me if we had sex when we went to Vermont.

I cursed her out, and didn’t speak to her for a month. Other instances of my mom exerting her control on my life include the time she tried to get me to break up with Katie (this may have been part of the same conversation or an entirely different incident, I don’t remember); or the time I first told her about Katie and she was upset cause she had someone she had wanted to introduce me to; or the time I told her in high school that I wanted to be a musician when I grew up, and she told me that it’s hard to make money as a musician and basically shat on my dream; or the time she told me nobody reads anymore after I told her I wanted to be a writer (granted, this was after I started taking everything she said with a grain of salt). Her hold on my life was unhealthy, both my therapist and my girlfriend had told me as much. At first I didn’t want to believe it. For a long time I denied it. You’re telling me my mom doesn’t always want what’s best for me? You’re crazy! But as time went on I started to see it. This was a new revelation to me. My mom wasn’t infallible. This new realization on top of everything else I was dealing with caused my anxiety to peak.

I’d like to say that the main nuance between depression and anxiety is that one of them affects you internally, and the other one affects you externally. Depression makes you withdraw into yourself. All your negative emotions, your lack of purpose, your lack of passion, your nihilism make you clam up. They cause you to create a protective shell, you don’t let other people in because they can’t help. Anxiety, that tricky devil, sees your depression looming behind you and pushes you back into him. Anxiety tells you that you’re not good enough, tells you that your friends don’t like you. It makes you so afraid of disappointing that you’re not willing to take risks. If I had realized there were two battles going on, maybe I would’ve approached things differently. Trouble is, you could probably say that I didn’t even know I had anxiety. That wouldn’t be a false statement. How do you fight a struggle that you didn’t know you had? The depression was apparent and right there in front of me. I knew since 10th grade. Anxiety though? I don’t know if I really caught on to this until last year or the year before. The whole time I just lumped them together. I thought my confidence was shot because of my depression, but it was more than that.

I’ve never been a big fan of people, and after 28 years of life, I don’t think that’s going to change much, if at all. People suck. People will almost always let you down. Yes, you’ll find a few that are true blue, your real ride or dies. But they are few & far between. I have a bad habit of being too trusting of people. Believing people at their word. Maybe my expectations are too high, maybe I’m too sensitive, maybe I take things too personally, or maybe I’m just playing the victim. But it used to seem like I would always end up getting hurt. It didn’t occur to me until recently that some of it was my fault and a lot of it wasn’t.

Growing up, I didn’t have many friends, nor did I want them; at least in my younger days. I was a very shy kid, I kept to myself mostly. I wasn’t exactly a loner, but I was introverted to a T. As I got older, I started being more open, more trusting. I wanted to make more friends, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable with myself, and I found that the more I opened up, the more vulnerable I was (I mean no shit, that’s how life works). Imagined or not, I felt like I was being attacked and made fun of if I exposed too much of the real me. I felt like it was bad practice to let people get too close. It was an endless cycle of wanting friends, opening up, feeling scared and hurt, then shutting down. Whether or not my fear was warranted was besides the point, I always took it as, “oh no. Someone got too close, it’s time to withdraw back into my shell.”

You could say I was the harbinger of my own failed friendships. I always had a thing, I guess you could call it a complex, where I just never believed I could have something good, and keep it or maintain it. Every so often I would realize that I had ignited a great friendship with someone. I had discovered someone who was like a brother to me, but the nagging thought in my mind would be, “but the going’s too good. This is going to end.” And guess what? Things did end. People did leave. Time and time again. But it never occurred to me at the time, that things sometimes ended because I caused them to. Things ended because I pushed people away. Things ended because I didn’t put in the effort to maintain it. The thought never crossed my mind until I got to college. I never truly cherished the ones I had, and some of the ones I did have, I didn’t want to have.

And I guess, that’s where it went wrong all these years. I always somehow fucked it up. I figured it would be better to do the hurting than to be hurt. I dropped people, so that they wouldn’t drop me. Yes, I am too trusting of people, but by the same token, I see the worst in people and expect the worst. I used to call myself a realist, but maybe I was really just a pessimist. I had gotten it into my head that people were out to get me, or that people I liked didn’t reciprocate the feeling. This was my anxiety come to life. It’s been a long journey to come to this conclusion, and it took many others to show me this. But I see clearly now how much I care about what other people think of me, and how important my image is. Going back to our horoscopes, you can clearly see that I’m a Leo, albeit an introverted one. I’m stubborn, lazy, self-centered, and inflexible. I like being admired, I hate being ignored, and I hate facing difficult reality. And this isn’t to pin it solely on my nature. I don’t like generalizing like that. It feels too much like being boxed into the corner, like you have no choice. That’s not it. People are capable of change. People are able to go against their nature, either on an individual basis or on the regular. You don’t have to buy into the stereotype. You don’t have to be what they say you are.

So as an add-on to my hopes for 2020, I still expect to tell my depression goodbye. Overall I’m in a better mental state. I’ve reset my middle ground. I’ve let go of my anger, my bitterness. My job is no longer weighing on me. I’ve learned new coping techniques, positive thought processes. My brain is no longer mired in self-deprecating muck. I feel fully confident for the first time in my life. I feel like I’m in control. On top of the world. The devil can’t bring me down to the pits I used to dwell in. But anxiety will have to stay a little bit longer. I can’t battle both foes at once. On the way to discovering my best self, I can, however stop giving a fuck about what other people think. The only person who will look out for me more than myself is God.

It doesn’t matter what people think. They’re going to think what they want to think. Not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone is going to support me. Some people are going to pretend to be supportive, but fall away when the going is rough. Some people will be there through thick & thin. Some people will be friendly & kind forever and always. Some people will be more generous and accepting of me than I deserve. It’s not up to me. Whatever they think is always going to be what they think, and how they treat me is always going to be how they treat me. That much is out of my control. All I can control is myself, and that’s what I intend to do for 2020. Live my best life, and not give any fucks. Love me or hate me, but I’m going to start being true to myself. Do things my way. Danny Brown once said, “I did it my way. I ain’t nobody ho.” It’s time to stop living life how my mom wanted it to be. It’s time to stop living the safe life. It’s time to stop living to please others. It’s time to stop doing what I think others expect. It’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to stop worrying so much. People suck. I ain’t a ho. It’s time to start living for me.

 

My Hopes for 2020

I’m not really the type to make New Year’s Resolutions. A resolution seems too much like a firm goal in my mind. Something that could be easily failed or broken. So, instead of making a resolution, I will list my hopes for the year 2020.

2019 was a year of discovery. A year of change. A year of growth. A year of re-ignition. My life has been stuck in neutral for a long time. It’s like someone pressed pause, and forgot to return to the game. That’s always been my problem. Lack of drive. Susceptibility to complacency. Failure to properly identify what it is I want. Call it what you will. All I know is, for whatever reason I was always afraid of pursuing what I wanted. I was always trying to please others, follow the rules, live up to expectations. I was content with what was good enough. But did this make me happy? Did it make me satisfied? Not really, but it was SAFE. Calling me risk adverse is definitely an understatement. I like my comfort zone. I don’t like being disappointed. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I can’t be that person anymore. My therapist showed me something different. The year 2020 started out with a big risk: I quit my job. But that won’t be the only risk I take this year. And I’m going to try to get over my fear of disappointment. A life lived in constant fear, is not a life lived at all. I should know, I’ve been through it.

So I guess, I have to say this. It was quite selfish of me to quit my job. Actually, extremely selfish. I’ll admit it. I left my coworkers in the lurch, and based off what Katie is telling me, the department is a disaster. But guess what? I don’t care that much. Yes, I do feel bad for leaving certain coworkers high & dry, but I needed to do what was best for me. Two days before I put in my two week’s notice, I was talking to my mom on the phone. If you’ve read my other posts, you know the type of year I’ve had with her. I don’t talk to her about serious shit anymore. Cause more often than not, it ends with extreme frustration. It gives her the slightest opportunity to voice her manipulative, controlling, cookie-cutter view for my life. I’m 28 years old. I’m not a child anymore.

That being said, much of my anxieties and low self-esteem stem from failing to live up as a kid. I was extremely shy growing up; it’s like I built up a wall or a shell from day 1. At school I was a quiet kid. At home or at church I was a menace. I was a compulsive liar, a fucking terrible one, but still a liar. I couldn’t lie to save my life, still can’t. But that didn’t stop me from lying every chance I got. My favorite phrase when asked if I hit somebody was, “it was an accident.” No parent wants to scold, spank, or discipline their children. They don’t want to be constantly telling you no, or cleaning up your messes. But this is what my mom had to do on a daily basis. I don’t blame her for being disappointed. I guess nobody knew it at the time, but her emotions played a huge part in how I turned out as an adult.

Nobody tells you this, but there is an incredible amount of information to unpack when reflecting on your life, and seeing what sort of profound impact each parent had on your upbringing, positive & negative. Nature vs. Nurture is not a myth. Even the most subtle of things can play a big role in the makeup of your persona. For me, the biggest impact was so subtle that it took seeing a therapist for me to finally uncover it. My mom is a manipulator, a serial gas-lighter. She makes you feel sorry for yourself. She makes you question whether or not you’re imagining the emotions that you’re feeling. She was born in mid-October, which puts her on the border between Libra and Scorpio. Believe what you may about horoscopes. Maybe it’s mumbo jumbo. But I happen to see a scientific and logical explanation for it. Daily horoscopes are probably bullshit; I’m talking about the personality traits for each sign. To me, it makes sense that people who were born around the same time of year, operate in similar ways. That aside, unfortunately my mom possesses the worst traits of both signs. Like a Libra, she avoids confrontations, and will carry a grudge. Like a Scorpio, she is distrusting, jealous, secretive, and likes being right.

Like I said earlier, for years I was a naughty kid, a liar. But one day, when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old it just hit me. I was getting really sick and tired of being spanked every day, and I realized that I could avoid all that by not lying anymore. It was time for me to change. I could do the straight & narrow. But things didn’t turn out as anticipated. It took forever to build up trust with my mom. It must’ve taken 2 or 3 years. Moving forward, I told the truth, but she didn’t believe me. Ever. She had seen enough years of bad behavior, for her to expect any different. So for the formative years, I was constantly trying to live up. I was a good boy now. So here I was, trying to satisfy someone who wouldn’t be satisfied. And my dad, of course, was not absent, but was in his own world. I guess that’s how I became a mama’s boy.

All this is a long-winded way of saying I was directly under the influence of my mother, and I let myself be that way. The approval from my mother was what I strived for the most. She was my absolute. Whatever she wanted was always what was best for me. She could do no wrong. It slowly became more and more evident what kind of control she had on me, as we unpacked it during our therapy sessions. Very early on, my therapist had told me that it was important to find a male role model or a peer. Someone I could talk to, and bounce ideas off of. Someone who had seen a little more of life, someone who could provide input and advice. She told me that it seemed like my relationship with my mom was unhealthy. There are things a grown man can’t tell his mother. And I of course, thought this was crazy. But I take everything my therapist says to heart. I figure it can’t hurt. She’s telling me as a friend and as a professional. She told me to try not drinking or smoking, because they’re depressants, and will make the darker thoughts darker. So I tried it. I still drink on occasion, but not on the regular, and my mind has never been clearer. She was right. She told me to make writing goals or commitments for myself, so that I would stop talking about writing, and actually write. Wha-la, three posts in two weeks. She was right. She told me to start looking for a job, cause even though I told her my current one was ok, my words and my emotions told her otherwise. Even though I don’t have a job now, I did realize how toxic my previous one was, and that I needed to leave it. She was right.

Which brings me back to the conversation I had with my mom. Two days before I gave my notice, I was telling her about work. How miserable I was, and I ended up telling her about a sermon I heard recently, that stood out to me. The pastor had told a story about how an old lady was at a play with her grandson, and she had told him out of the blue, “I don’t want to be here.” The grandson asked for clarification, and she said that if Jesus were to come back right now, she didn’t want Him to see her at that place. I took this to heart. I was thinking about it at work one day, and it occurred to me that I didn’t want to be there. To me, this was not a place that glorifies God, and was not a place where I was adequately making the most of my talents. Eventually at some point, my mom ended up saying, “sometimes you need to make a clean break.”

So a clean break is what I made. It just so happened, that the clean break lined up with the negative experience that broke the camel’s back. Maybe it was divine providence that that shit went down. But it gave me the excuse that I needed to leave my dead-end job.

I spent all of 2019 learning self-love. I learned how to be ok with who I am. I finally started to understand and appreciate all that I had. I finally realized all the good I could do. Everything that was put into my life only helped to make me stronger. All the adversity I faced was just a bump in the road, but useful experiences if I learned something from them. Your life isn’t just a string of shitty days. You have good days, and you have bad days. But each bad day is one small blip in a string of great days that make up a great life. What do you want from this life? You only have one life to live. You have to make the most of it. What legacy do you want to leave? Do you want to be remembered? These were all questions I pondered as I realized that in order to live a happy life, in order to be satisfied, I had to be constantly striving for better. You need to always be aiming at a higher and higher trajectory. If you’re not moving up, you’re not improving. You have to kick it into drive, if you want to get to where you want to go.

Staying in neutral isn’t going to get you anywhere. Eventually you will need to take a risk. At some point safe will no longer be what is best. If something doesn’t make you happy, you need to release yourself from it. If something is toxic and constantly weighing you down, you need to cut it off. Make a clean break from it. You’re the one in control. You do not need to put up with negative energy. If you feel like cutting ties with someone or something is in your best interest, then it’s your prerogative. Do it. Some people may not like the decision that you make, but you have to do what’s best for you. I don’t mean to be all doom & gloom, but distancing myself from my mom and leaving a bad environment were two things that I needed to do. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, and I care about her a lot. But she doesn’t always have my best interests in mind. As for the workplace, there was just way too much bitterness and resentment built up for the relationship to be repaired. There was no other option, but to move on.

And I don’t regret my decisions. I finally, for the first time in my life feel happy and satisfied. I feel like a burden has been lifted. I’ve spent many, many years loathing myself. Despising who I was. I was stuck in a constant state of pitying, and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t know how good I had it. My life really isn’t or wasn’t that bad. But it was hard for me to see that. Depression is a killer. It tells you lies and reinforces them with half truths and delusions. It tells you that ok is good enough. It tells you that “not so bad,” is as good as you can do. I really didn’t know who I was, or what I had. I had stalled out. I had gotten complacent. I resigned myself to the fact that this was my life. But I could do so much better. I just needed to try. I didn’t understand that okay is not good enough, safe is not good enough. A job that you don’t enjoy or find purpose in, is not good enough.

2019 was a year of discovery. A year of change. A year of growth. A year of re-ignition. A year of mental reset. A year of preparation. My therapist showed me the good I have in me, the untapped potential. God, my therapist, my mom, and my job helped me to rediscover myself. Separating who I am and who I want to be, from who my mom wants me to be was the first step in unlocking greatness. Living out her goals and ambitions for my life will never make me happy. I’ll never live up. That’s not staying true to myself. That’s molding my life into someone else’s image.

2019 was a year of change. I’m getting ready to kick depression goodbye for good. I was mired in my negative thoughts for so long. I never really knew how to cope with it. My thought process was flawed. There were highs in my life where I thought I would be over it, but when the lows came, each low came back even lower. I regressed. But in 2019, my mindset changed. I was taught better ways of dealing, I was shown how to be in touch with my emotions. Not all emotions are positive. Some are negative, some are neutral. But negative does not necessarily mean bad. I was taught to think about my emotions. Why was I angry? Do I have any right to be angry? Am I being rational? Am I justified? It’s ok to be angry. That emotion is part of everyday life. These emotions do not have to be suppressed or hidden, as long as you’re in control. As long as you are careful about your actions when you are angry. Once you’re done being angry, don’t let it simmer. Don’t let it stew. One & done. You move on. My therapist showed me these things.

2019 was a year of growth. You can’t go through life always doing what other people ask or tell you to do. That doesn’t bring happiness. Happiness comes from living out, and pursuing your dreams without giving any fucks for what the haters or the critics may say. Happiness comes when you finally realize what sort of impact you want to make in this world, and doing whatever is necessary to do the greatest good you can do. It comes from discovering what it is that you love, what it is that drives you. It comes from finding your inner strength and being at peace. I used to operate on doing what I thought people wanted me to do. But that doesn’t matter. All that matters is what I want to do. This is my life to live. I am in control.

2019 was a year of re-ignition. A year of mental reset. Out with the old, in with the new. I’m getting there. I’m getting close. I’m ready to start applying to places again. Taking all of January off was a necessary step in my journey. I needed time to reflect. Time to refocus. Time to breathe. I had put my dreams on pause for too long. I had lost sight of my goals. And I needed to separate the expectations I had for myself from the expectations others had for me. Finding your purpose in life is looking back on younger days, and identifying your first love. Your first ambition. Your greatest talent. Growing up, they tell you not to be afraid of following your dreams. But do they support your dream the best way they can? That’s not for me to answer.

2019 was a year of preparation. I learned how to love myself. I learned what my strengths and weaknesses are. 2019 showed me a lot about myself. A lot about what I want to do. How I want to leave my legacy. I rediscovered who I am, I realized my dream. I have stories to tell. When I was younger, I wrote song lyrics, and poems. I aspired to be a musician. Hate to break it to you, but I didn’t have much musical talent. But I did have talent in my writing. I still do, and I will continue to hone my craft. I’m not worried about my job search so far. Better things will come. One foot in front of the other. I have faith. I’m ready for my greatest blessing.

They tell you that, “you reap what you sow.” There’s no greater truth than this. There is a time for sowing, and a time for harvest. In order to reap a great harvest, you must have a great sowing season. This is something my pastor stresses, and it is evident. 2019 was my sowing season. God laid down the groundwork. He gave me confidence, He took away my pain, He changed my mindset, He helped me to find myself, and to find my calling. I’m ready to be blessed abundantly. My pastor also said recently, to be prepared for God to blow your mind every month this year.

So for 2020 I am ready. “Look, I feel blessed. Way up I feel blessed… Blessings on blessings on blessings. Look at my life man that’s lessons on lessons on lessons.” I closed the door on an old way of living. I’ve opened another door, and I’m ready for something new. Well, this post sort of went off the rails. I don’t have hopes for 2020. I have faith, I have belief. I believe that 2020 will be the best year of my life. I expect to make moves in my career. My writing will flourish and grow exponentially. The idea in my head, the premise for a story will be laid out. I will have the beginnings to something good. This I know, because my faith is in something greater.

I A M F I N A L L Y F R E E

Recently I quit my job, without something else lined up. Now, that was not my plan going into it, but it turned out to be the most freeing experience ever. But it wasn’t like I just did it willy nilly. It was thought out through several months. It was meant to be a last resort, but it ended up being the route that was taken. It was a toxic work environment that I had to get away from, and I do not regret it.

Now, working there wasn’t all bad. It was pretty good at first. I started working there as an intern before I graduated college, and I continued on full time afterwards. My plan was to work there for a couple years, get the experience I needed, then go and find something else. So for the first year and a half or so, I was steadily learning and growing; getting a better understanding of corporate America. I started in January of 2015 doing a mix of customer service, sales, and marketing. That following summer, my coworker went on maternity leave, and I immediately got thrown into the deep end. I was the point person for customer service now, it was my greatest challenge to date; but I handled the stress, and I handled it well. I was awarded with Employee of the Month in October.

But things started to go downhill from there. I always knew that my boss was a bit of an asshole, but this is when I started seeing his true colors. It was different when I was an intern. I mostly kept to myself, and just obediently did my work. Now, I had to interact with the whole department. They say that within a year and a half, you should have a good idea of what kind of company you work for. And it’s true, I knew what kind of company this was, but I had so much fear, and doubt. I didn’t have the motivation or the drive to push myself out of this shitty situation. What’s worse, is that my depression worsened, although I didn’t really know it at the time. Cause it wasn’t like I was sad, or thinking about suicide. But depression has many forms: low self esteem, and loss of interest for example. Apathy and fear kept me downtrodden.

But still following my loose timeline; around the two year mark, I started applying, and looking for something else. I wasn’t searching seriously, more so just weighing my options. But the unexpected happened. Another coworker ended up going on maternity leave that spring. A lot of her responsibilities thus fell on me. My plans on leaving were then put on hold. I felt guilty for leaving at that time. It wasn’t so bad though, because I was learning new things, so I figured I’d stay a bit longer, learn all that there was to learn, then start up again in the fall.

But this is also when it really started getting bad. My former boss is not a pleasant person to be around. He is egotistical, arrogant, and straight up mean sometimes. He belittles his employees, embarrasses individuals in front of the whole department, and generally leads by fear. He’s temperamental, so you never know which way the wind will blow. Will he be overly patient, and calm, or will he yell at you for the smallest thing? It was always walking on eggshells around him. He’d make the worst dad jokes, and think he was so funny. He was inappropriate, saying things that were highly sexual or racist. The way he would try to get people to work harder would be to threaten your job security or your annual raise. He was not a good manager, nor was he a good person. Eventually, I started tuning him out. Anytime he would make a comment or a joke I would roll my eyes and walk away. I did not and do not respect this man.

But what was I going to do? There were no opportunities lined up. I had no options. I was worn down. I had no drive. So I did what I knew. I started smoking more. Every night after a long drive back home, I would smoke a bowl to forget about my problems. I didn’t have the brain capacity to deal with this shit at work and after work. I did what I knew. But what I knew, wasn’t what was good for me. The perpetual weed haze kept me numb. It kept me out of tune with my emotions. But it kept me going through the motions. Coffee to keep me awake in the morning, weed to help me sleep at night. Rinse & repeat. Eventually I became so worn down that I stopped trying. I resigned myself to this. This was my life.

But the unexpected happened yet again. In May of 2018, a cute, quiet girl from work DMed me out of the blue. She told me she was obsessed with me, and she felt like she needed to tell me. She couldn’t sleep. She was tired of being awkward; tired of not being able to speak her mind. She told me she didn’t know how she was going to get over it. She just wanted me to reject her and be done with it. No more what ifs. This was an utter shock to me. I didn’t know what to do, or how to respond. I didn’t think girls liked me like that (I know different now. Not to be cocky, but I get hit on quite often). Of course, I was just awkward and self-conscious. But I figured, what the hell, I got nothing going in my life, I might as well. So I gave her my number, we started texting, and the rest is history.

This was the first step on my journey to enlightenment. There were ups and there were downs. I was and am far from the best boyfriend. I had a lot of issues that I needed to work on. It all culminated in The Incident in August of 2018. I hit a person while backing up at a gas station. This brought me to the lowest of the low. But this also brought me to some of the best decisions I would ever make. My parents were extremely worried about me after this incident, so they came down to visit the next day, and my dad immediately contacted a therapist that he had heard about from one of his friends. I’ve been seeing her every other week for about a year and a half, and it’s brought about an incredible amount of self-discovery. It works, talking to a professional with no judgment, no interruption, no lack of interest. It’s like talking to a friend, but better. You have her undivided attention for a full hour. We went through techniques, and tips, and advice on how to overcome my depression. And sure enough, I grew more and more confident. The less I smoked, and the more I talked to my girlfriend and my therapist, the more I began to heal. The numbness went away, the negativity fizzled out. I ended up winning Employee of the Year in 2018. My crowning achievement. In my head, I figured I could work here for another year or so. But I knew there was still no growth, still no opportunities for advancement.

And sure enough, December 2019 would be my last month at this company. Because inevitably, the highs became lows, and the lows went even lower. But the difference was mentally, and emotionally I knew I could do better. This wasn’t the end. I wasn’t destined to stay at this dead end job for the rest of my life. I was in a different headspace. I could do this. I wouldn’t let the negativity and the bitterness at this company get to me again. Several things happened to facilitate my job search. First, I started going back to church. I know church isn’t for everybody. Religion isn’t for everybody. In fact, the first time we planned to attend this particular church, I changed my mind halfway there. I wasn’t ready. My girlfriend, of course, was upset. We had a long discussion, before I dropped her off and went home. When I got home, I didn’t know what to do, so I watched the live stream. This church was different from the ones I had attended previously. It had a different vibe to it, so I was willing to check it out.

After we started attending this church, things started to tumble into place. For my birthday in August, we went to Disney World. On our way back from the airport, I hit my head, and got a concussion. Which, as you all know, started the thought juices flowing. A long-time coworker and friend of mine got fired for reasons beyond his control. *Cough cough nepotism cough cough* Me in my concussion addled mind decided fuck this, I’m outta here. So that week, I started applying, and soon after I was granted an interview. I also needed to go on a road trip for my current job, visit some of our customers. So I planned it all for the same day. This was a Thursday. The following day, my boss called me into his office at 8am to yell at me about something that I wasn’t doing correctly, because I already had too much on my plate. Then at 9am, he gave me Employee of the Month, and had the audacity to ask in front of everybody why I wasn’t smiling. You knew damn well why I wasn’t smiling you asshole… That was the breaking point.

At this time, I decided that I would do anything to get away from this douchebag. I was even considering leaving without another job lined up. But I was talked down from it. I listened to the voice of reasoning, and concluded job first, then quit. So things went back to the status quo for now. I had a schedule of applying to job listings on Mondays and Tuesdays after work, and writing a little on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. It had occurred to me during my concussion that my first love has always been reading, and my talent has always been writing. Screw what everybody says, I’m going to become a writer. And this was to be my side gig until I was good enough to make it my main gig.

Status quo was all fine & good but the inevitable happened. My temperamental boss blew up yet again. Surprise, surprise! My boss was about to go on his lunch break, one of the sales managers didn’t know if he was going to return to his office before heading out, so he waited for my boss outside of the bathroom. Kinda strange, but small & innocuous right? Wrong! My boss got up in his face, and was like, “you wouldn’t do that to the owner of the company would you? Don’t I deserve the same fucking respect?” My cubicle is right next to the bathroom, so I heard the whole loud & angry exchange, and I’m just sitting there rolling my eyes, muttering to myself, “are you fucking kidding me? You don’t deserve any respect. Talking about respect while disrespecting your employee.” This exchange just reinforced my need to get the fuck out of there. I had another interview at the beginning of November. For some reason or another, it didn’t work out. But I was still ok. I wouldn’t let the negativity get to me again.

But lo & behold, would you look at that. Mid December, my boss does something to me that I felt really crossed the line (as if the 5 years of mistreatment that I was subject to and observed wasn’t enough already). So, I was on the phone with my girlfriend, she does billing & credit; I needed to give her an Amex credit card, since I’m not able to enter it on my end. We have this phone rotation system for sales & customer service, so administrators are able to see who you’re on the phone with. My boss gives me a ring, once, twice. I figure I can just call him back after I’m done with what I’m doing. He calls me a third time, at which point I’m done with my conversation, so I go into his office. Turns out he needed to see me about something I was already working on, so that’s bullshit. Then he starts talking about how when I’m on the phone with Katie, and someone else calls, I need to check to see who’s calling. And I’m thinking, “whatever dude. First off, I don’t need you micromanaging shit that I’m already handling; second you’re not that important, get off your high horse; third my conversation with Katie was a minute tops.” So I go back to my desk, and see that he had sent us both an email asking us to get off the phone, so he could talk to me. One of the things that my therapist went over with me last year was being accepting of my negative emotions, as long as they were justified. I have every right to my anger, every right to my sadness, as long as I understand why I feel the way that I do, and as long as I’m able to regulate it, and bring myself back to my center line. To say the least, at this moment I was furious. He wouldn’t have done this if I had been talking to anybody else. In my mind, I had two options left to me: I could walk out right then & there, or I could be professional and give my two weeks notice.

I gave my two weeks the next day and never looked back. I made the right decision. No regrets. Cause there was another situation a few days later, where he rolled his eyes at Katie because she did something that he didn’t like. Which is funny, because earlier that same day he had called out a sales manager for being late to a meeting, saying that he felt like it was inappropriate that she was late. Later in that same meeting, I forget the context, but he had said, “cause we’re professionals!” Alright dude… So rolling your eyes and throwing a hissy fit isn’t inappropriate and unprofessional? Alright then.

That being said, I’ve been unemployed for almost a month now. But I couldn’t be happier. I calculated my savings before I left and I have enough to last 6-8 months. It’s not crunch time, and I’m not in a rush to find a job. I’m just enjoying my time and living life. I took a week to visit my parents, and hang out with my sisters and my cousins. I haven’t had that luxury in a long time. I don’t know about other places, but at my workplace it was always awkward to ask for time off, because my boss was always so goddamn weird about it. Sometimes he’d approve your vacation right away, or sometimes he wouldn’t get back to you for almost two weeks. I finally had time to see my parents for an extended period of time, and they seemed so happy to have the three of us back at the same time. I just couldn’t bear to break the news to them, so they still don’t know that I’m jobless. I didn’t want to potentially ruin the mood. Rest assured, I’ll get back into my job search next week or the following. But right now I’m just enjoying the time I have to myself, where I can do puzzles, read, listen to audiobooks, play video games, watch Netflix, do crosswords, go on nature walks, do whatever the fuck I want. I’ve dedicated myself to writing more. I’m doing morning pages now, my creative juices are flowing, so there should be new content coming more frequently.

The First Time

The first time I got high was in my freshman year of college. It was probably late September or October. I had two suitemates that I hung out with regularly, let’s call them A and B. One night B comes up to us and was like, “guess what I just bought,” and he holds up a little baggie. A is like, “do you have papers or something?” B says, “nah, I met someone who has a piece.”

So we go out to the quad later that night, and we meet up with a bunch of people. I don’t know what to expect, but am told that usually the first time you smoke you might not feel high or know that you are. I had no idea what I was in for. I was also extremely paranoid, after all, I had never done anything like this before. Yes, I had friends in high school who were potheads. But I never hung out with them outside of class, let alone after school. Some of them would go out to the woods to smoke during chemistry class, but I never went with them. They would come back to class blazed as fuck, and I could tell. But seeing someone that’s high doesn’t give you an accurate representation of how it feels to be high. As someone who’s never smoked, you see them saying or doing dumb shit, but you just pass that off as them being a dope.

After you’ve smoked a few times, you can start seeing where your dopey friend was coming from. But me back then? I had no framework for what to look for. At that point in my life, I had only gotten drunk once, but I didn’t even drink like that. It was a funny and stupid story. Back in 8th grade, my parents had this thing that they called cell group. Every two or three Saturdays there was a gathering of their church small group at a host family’s house. When I was younger, I was a showoff. I was eccentric, a contrarian, I did things to get people’s attention. But only at church; at school I was quiet and reserved. I think this was a defensive mechanism that I put in place to hide my insecurities and anxieties. I was comfortable around people at church, I wasn’t comfortable around people at school. That’s besides the point though.

Well anyway, it was a summer day, and someone had set up two coolers full of drinks. One of them had sodas & juices — kid’s drinks. The other had Mike’s Hard Lemonade or something along those lines. I decided I would try one since I was curious. It tasted just like juice to me, I couldn’t taste the alcohol in it. I thought this was interesting so I had another one of my friends try it. We shared three between the two of us. This was our first time drinking, so again, no idea what to expect. My skin started feeling hot, so we both went down to the basement to play some video games. We had sat down for maybe 20 minutes, but I started feeling dizzy, and my friend started feeling hot. So we went outside, and we started fanning ourselves. One thing led to another and we started running around in circles in the front yard. Neither of us had any idea why we were doing what we were doing, it was like it just happened all of a sudden. We were very confused, but I now know that we were acting crazy cause we were drunk.

So this was the only experience I had with any sort of substance usage up until this point, so I was very clueless. I was told to puff puff pass. And that it’s easy, just put your finger on this hole, light the bowl, lift your finger, inhale deep, then inhale again. It didn’t make sense to me, so suitemate A helped me with it. We passed the bowl around a few times, until we were all out. A bunch of people got up and left, but a small group of us stayed and sat there for a little bit. I noticed that the streetlight that I had been looking at seemed hazy now, but I didn’t think anything of it. Someone suggested that we go to H-Quad to get food, so that was now the plan. All of a sudden, people started running (I never found out if they were strangers or part of our original group), so my friends and I joined in. I asked someone why we were running, and he told me, “I have no idea, just run.” So I did. We ran all the way to H-Quad, on the other side of campus. At first I wasn’t going to get anything to eat, but I changed my mind after my mouth started watering looking at my friends’ sandwiches. I ordered one, and I vaguely remember it seeming to take way too long to make, and I also remember really enjoying that sandwich. This was my first experience with the munchies.

But after that experience, I didn’t smoke again until midway through Junior year. I was too caught up in other things. The story I told for a while was one that went like this: I smoked once, but I didn’t get high. But that was just me being naive. I know better now. I smoked once, and I got really high. I just didn’t know it at the time.

Reading List

If you’ve talked to me at all, you know that one of my passions is fantasy. Sometimes I’d rather live in the world of text than the real world. My first experience with the magic of fantasy was when the teacher read us the Magic Tree House books in 1st grade. That shit was incredible! That being said, I’ve been a fairly avid reader most of my life. My mom used to take us to the library on a fairly regular basis: every 3-4 weeks. I would go look at the same couple of sections: Redwall, Dragonlance, and Greek/Roman mythology. This was my zone. This was my first love.

I may have vehemently denied it in recent years. But I am, and was, and always will be a NERD. There is no changing that. But for the first decade of my life or so, the nerd was created and fed by mostly internal factors. My days consisted of reading and playing with Legos. I was in my own head all day. But I have two very distinct memories in my early days, of being affected by outside influences.

The year was 1999, we had just moved to Massachusetts in October. There was a kid named Elijah who took it on himself to be my friend, show me the ropes as it were. One day several months later, I was at the school library with my class for one of our special periods. I was wandering around, and Elijah came up to me, and was like, “why don’t you get something?” Me, being the weirdo that I am, was always hesitant to borrow books from school. I much preferred to borrow from the town library in the center of town. The town library let you keep a book for 3 weeks at a time, the school library made you renew it week after week. I was always afraid that the book would be due before I finished it. But once, just this once, young me decided sure, let’s borrow a book, why not? So I told Elijah, “ok, but I don’t know what to get.”

He said, “follow me. I know the perfect book. Let me find it. I’m sure you’ll love it. Let me know what you think.”

He handed me Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone. I was hesitant to take it, I knew my mom wouldn’t approve, plus it was such a big book for such a small kid. My mom as did many other moms at my church disapproved of magic and witches and wizards. They thought it was devil worship. Harry Potter was a wonderful scapegoat, simply because it was the biggest thing at the time. But little did she know, this was my introduction to a genre that I’ve learned to love and appreciate throughout my life. I don’t remember what thought crossed my mind, but something caused me to reluctantly take the book and try it out. Maybe it was fate, I’d like to think so.

So I took the book home with me, and I hid it under my bed. I read it only at night (when I was supposed to be asleep), to ensure that I didn’t get caught. I only ended up reading about a third of the book before I returned it, but this was the start of something new, and different, and exciting. What I read ended up sticking with me, so much so that I still remembered the little that I had read, when I finally got around to reading the entire series in 2014.

There were two other catalysts that kicked me into a higher gear of nerd-dom. The first occurred two years later. I had a church friend whose parents had a massive home theater with a projector; before big screen TV’s were a thing. As a collective, we were having trouble picking a movie, so he said, “I’m going to put on this movie. Trust me it’s good. Don’t tell anyone cause it hasn’t technically come out yet.” He put on a bootleg version of The Fellowship of the Ring, and my whole life changed. These movies meant so much to me, and I wanted LOTR everything. I was probably way too young to read the books, but read them I did, and re-read them, and re-read them, and re-read them.

All of a sudden, me and several friends from church were hooked. We roleplayed and pretended at church, at home, on hikes, at church retreats. We were lost in the wonderful world of imagination. Smartphones didn’t exist back then, and videogames were limited. So this was our entertainment: role playing, Pokemon, and Magic cards. What a wonderful and simpler time…

The year is 2002. In comes broad band, out goes dial up. The Internet is still pretty new to mostly everybody, but Xanga and AIM started their respective heydays. The more time I spent on the computer, the less time I spent reading. From 7th grade on, I read only as much as I needed to. My intake consisted of comic books and books for school (I’m not a good liar so Cliffnotes wasn’t enough).

It wasn’t until 2012 that I picked up a book and read for the joy of it. The third catalyst. The day we refer to as The Day Adam Injected me With the Neckbeard Gene. I can’t pinpoint the exact day unfortunately, but it was sometime between spring of 2011 and spring of 2012. Freshman year of college, he showed me the pilot for Game of Thrones. He ranted & raved to me for days about it. A Song of Ice & Fire was his brothers’ favorite fantasy series for more than 10 years, and all three of them were so excited to see it come out in a visual medium. This was before the fame and the fortune got to George R. R. Martin’s head. Y’all know how I feel about him so I’ll spare you the details.

So Adam showed me the series, and I thought nothing of it. But we happened to be taking a walk around campus a few weeks later, and we stopped by the campus bookstore. We walked by a shelf and he was like, “look, look look! Here’s the series I was telling you about. You should buy the first book.” Again, I was hesitant, like do I really wanna read a book? But eventually he convinced me, and I was like, “should I just buy the whole series?” Adam said, “nah, just try out the first one, See if you like it.”

So I bought the book, and I did nothing with it. It sat on my shelf, gathering dust for a whole year, and I was content with that. My interest wasn’t piqued, until the following April, when I read and watched The Hunger Games. I was told I wasn’t allowed to watch it unless I read the books. My eyes were reopened. I figured I would start reading A Game of Thrones, and I fell in love. A couple days after I started reading it, I bought the rest of the series, and started buying used books on eBay. This was the start of my journey. A journey I will follow until the end of time.

All this is a long winded way of saying what I’ve read, what I need to finish, and what I have next. Like I’ve said and realized recently, writing is my talent, and reading is my passion. What’s the point of all this reading? It’s to give me ideas so that I can one day write something or somethings. The thoughts are still stewing, but something will come to fruition one day. If you really really think about it, the fantasy genre is all the same. It’s just each author coming up with their own take on the same tropes. Nothing is unique, but that’s ok. That’s what I love so much about this. We can all tell the same stories, but the twists & the turns and the paths will be different. Each story is intricately woven and spun into something very different. The beginning and the end may be the same, but the path through is distinctive.

This was my path through so far:

  • I read the first 4 novels of ASOIAF from May-July 2012. A Dance With Dragons was read in October. I’ve jokingly said that if I was forced to burn books, the GRRM ones would be the first to go. In all honesty, I probably will read & purchase the rest of this if he ever writes another, but I highly doubt he will. I have absolutely no interest in reading Fire & Blood, and I have pretty minimal interest in reading his backlog.
  • I slogged through some shit not worth talking about, but it showed me what to avoid when it comes to garbage fantasy. I’ve learned my lesson and I always do my research. I read all the negative reviews, so I know beforehand, whether or not it’s going to be a book I like.
  •  The next series was Prince of Thorns/King of Thorns by Mark Lawrence. He has a degree in physics & mathematics, and was previously a research scientist, so anything is possible! He’s written 3 trilogies to date, and I own them all, but I have yet to read past the second book so this is definitely still on the docket.
  • Scott Lynch and his Gentlemen Bastards novels are some of the easiest and quickest reads, but he has had some personal issues and his output has been slow.
  • Patrick Rothfuss has also been quite slow.
  • Joe Abercrombie has some brutally violent books (he calls himself Lord Grimdark after all), but his writing tapered off a bit after 2015, but he does have a new series coming out so I will get back to him.
  • Jim Butcher wrote at a furious pace since 2000, but seems to have taken some time with his latest Dresden book. I still have a couple more to read, and will go through the Codex Alera series at some point.
  • Brandon Sanderson’s The Way of Kings blew me away in 2013 when I read it during one of the worst summers of my life. This book was the only thing I looked forward to. I have one real book left to read, some YA stuff & misc, and his finishing touches of The Wheel of Time, otherwise I’m caught up. He’s the best author under 50 in the world, don’t @ me.
  • Peter V Brett is a quick & interesting read. But a case of “I forgot what the story is about while I was waiting for the next one, and I didn’t feel like re-reading yet.” A typical occurrence for me… I have the last two books (one of which I bought twice by accident). I will do a re-read of the whole series at some point.
  • Dan Wells. Not fantasy, more so horror/sci-fi. I’ve read everything he’s published so I will have to wait.
  • Harry Potter is over and done with, but was definitely a good read. Will I read her Cormoran Strike series? No idea
  • Brian McClellan’s Powder Mage group of trilogies has a unique take. But I’m caught up, even with novellas. Will need to wait
  • Brent Weeks’ last novel in his Lightbringer series is coming out later this month. Maybe I’ll pre-order it. I also have his previous trilogy to read as well.
  • I picked up a few Tad Williams novels here and there. He’s one of the fathers of modern fantasy, and I’d like to start digging into his bibliography at some point. He was writing dictionary sized novels before it became popular!
  • I finished one trilogy by Anthony Ryan. It was quite interesting, and the first book was quick, but it seemed like it took forever to get through the other two. Maybe that’s what happens when this book is unofficially designated as “the one to be read during my lunch break.” I have his other trilogy, so logically this is also on “the list.”
  • And last but not least I started listening to The Wheel of Time on audiobook in May of this year. So instead of music, Robert Jordan has been on the air on my drives.

So what am I reading now and what will I be reading?

  1. Finishing The Wheel of Time obviously. I am about to start book 8 of 14.
  2. I am reading Carrie by Stephen King, and I have created a Stephen King checklist. I’ve marked off everything “scary” for reading later or not at all. I will go through some of the shorter works first, then listen to The Dark Tower audiobooks after I finish WOT. I don’t think most people know, but King is quite a versatile author. He doesn’t just write horror/thriller/supernatural. He also writes fantasy, crime/mystery, sci-fi as well. I’ve read Under the Dome and 11/22/63 both of which are quite good.
  3. Whenever I decide to go off my King kick, I will finish reading the Dresden Files. I have two left plus the one that will be published shortly. Codex Alera will wait. I have a habit of reading multiple books at once. I like to be reading one epic fantasy and one urban fantasy at the same time. Sometimes I may do three books at once: a physical book, audiobook, and something on Kindle
  4. The Shadow of What Was Lost by James Islington is the “lunch break book”. I like it, but it’s been a slog. I’ve been reading this since July. Depending on how I feel after I’m finally done with the first one, I may finish the trilogy now or later.
  5. Re-read the first two Mark Lawrence books, then finish the others
  6. I guess you can mix & match the order of the rest of these, as I am undecided on what is next:
    1. Re-read and finish Peter V Brett
    2. Read Miles Cameron’s Traitor Son Cycle. Which funnily enough I had started reading years ago on Facebook of all places. His publisher had a 12 Days of Christmas promo where they were posting daily snippets of his first book
    3. Finish Brent Weeks Lightbringer series
    4. Read Starsight by Brandon Sanderson when it comes out in November
    5. A Little Hatred Joe Abercrombie’s new series and/or The Shattered Sea trilogy which I never ended up getting around to
    6. Blood of Empire by Brian McClellan, the last book in his second trilogy when it comes out in December
    7. Start Anthony Ryan’s Draconis Memoria trilogy or read his followup to Raven’s Shadow trilogy
    8. Switch it up and read Doug Pederson’s autobiography or Charlamagne tha God’s second memoir
    9. Read Nicholas Eames’ Kings of the Wyld. The next lunch break book perhaps?

And finally… further down the line

  • The Witcher books
  • Michael J Sullivan’s Riyria Revelations & Chronicles. Mix of audiobook (I’m not able to find all of them) and ebook
  • Dragonlance and Forgotten Realms (novels based off of two different Dungeons & Dragons campaign settings). I’ve already created a checklist for reading order of Dragonlance
  • Tad Williams bibliography
  • David Gemmell bibliography, another father of fantasy who passed away too soon
  • Neil Gaiman, I’ve read a few but I should finish
  • And this is not reading per se, but eventually we will get our D&D group back together and I will DM Storm King’s Thunder

 

 

Writing. Plain, simple, unadulterated. I am a storyteller, an essayist, a poet, a writer, a thinker, a mental health advocate, a regular real life human being