So Brooke quit… But I did get a chance to talk to her on her last day. I felt like we had a good enough conversation where I could friend her on Facebook. I messaged her on Monday saying, “hey Brooke, let’s hang out sometime.”

Her response was, “Hey! Definitely!! How was it today without me lol.” All fine and good! Couldn’t have asked for a better response. Started out strong for once! But I forgot how difficult it is to talk to girls, and it seems to be especially difficult talking to her. I’ve been trying to get her to open up, but she doesn’t have Messenger so it’s slow going. But maybe, that’s just an excuse I’m making up. Maybe she’s not that interested in me. Maybe she’s not looking for much if anything at all. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m fucked up over her. I was so nervous before I messaged her that I almost threw up. I washed the dishes, smoked a bowl, drank a beer, and took a shower just so I wouldn’t be so preoccupied about checking my phone. She messaged me back and I was SO HAPPY.

But it’s like I always set myself up for major disappointment. I have a habit of going all in no matter what. Either I don’t give a shit at all, or I go overboard. I’m prone to jumping the gun, and I don’t want to do that. She’s special. I can’t put my finger around it, but there’s just something about her that’s made me fall in love.

How do you fall in love with someone you barely know though? How do you get your heart broken by someone that you’ve barely talked to? It’s happened to me twice. I don’t know this girl, but I want to, and it pains me deeply. Am I just setting myself up to fail? Am I misjudging the situation and making the wrong word choices? In a way, I feel like I’m friendzoning myself. We’ve talked about work and looking for work, but I want to talk about her. I want to know what a day in the life of Brooke is like. I want to know what she’s feeling. I want to know what she wants to do and what she plans to do. I don’t care about being coworkers with her again. I want to be her lover, her companion, and her friend. I don’t know what it is, but perhaps I’ve gone too far mentally and emotionally.

How do I entice her to talk to me more? I want to know all about her, and take her everywhere I go. I love this girl, but, I ask again, how?! I worked with her for 7 months, and only had a handful of conversations with her. She is so damn cute and so damn pretty. I can’t get over it. French Montana has a song called “Unforgettable” and literally this is what Brooke is to me. Unforgettable. I can’t keep her off my mind.

I tried and I failed. Tried and I failed. When I heard that she was leaving I was devastated. I was so bummed out that I immediately went home after hanging with another coworker, stayed up all night and binge watched 13 Reasons Why. That show is incredibly depressing but that wasn’t the only reason why I was crying that night.

After it was pointed out to me that this was the best time to pursue her, I kept running through the same scenario in my head for those two weeks. And each opportunity I had, I fucking bitched out and didn’t approach her. It wasn’t until her last day when my coworker started talking to her, that I realized that I needed to do it. I couldn’t get her off my mind. And now, after we started “talking” I still can’t get her off my mind. Every passing second, I’m hoping that a notification pops up on my phone that says, “Brooke messaged you.” And I’m let down every time. She’ll message me, but sparsely.

Maybe she’s scared, just like me. But I think I’m ready. I’m willing to go all in with her, and you can literally count on one hand how many people I’ve said that about since my last relationship. But how to give off the right vibe? Logic says not to rush it, but ones heart always tells you different. I don’t want to come on too strong, that’s the number one thing I’m afraid of. But if I’m too weak, then I won’t stand out. That’s where I’m at right now. Every moment that I’m not talking to her breaks my heart just a little bit, and I know that it shouldn’t cause I barely know the girl. But goddammit if Katy Perry wasn’t right when she said, “you love who you love.” There’s something magical about her. She’s like a Disney princess, and I want her to be mine.

“Man Up”

A phrase that I’ve never liked. As if saying those words will evoke an action/response. As if such an action or inaction makes you less manly. I hate those two words. It’s akin to saying, “bitch, get over yourself and just do it.” But I need those to resonate in my brain. Cause my inaction is literally killing me. It’s not like I’m even asking myself for much. All I need to do, all I want to do is just talk to her on a regular basis. In order to do that, I need to say hi to her, make small talk, ask her about her vacation/weekend. Whatever. That’s it.

When I see her, I talk to her. It’s as simple as that. That’s the first step. Worry about getting her number, taking her out, all that shit later. Who cares if I jumble my words together? Who cares if I can’t get a complete thought out? A lot of people are awkward, a lot of people get over it and move on. At the very least I can say I tried. Who can I blame for missing an opportunity when I don’t take the opportunity? No one but myself. Just think it, and do it. Simple as that. She just came back from vacation. Ask her how it was, where she went. There’s almost no conversation starter that’s easier than this.

For the most part February 14th is just another day for me. Even when I was in a relationship it was just whatever to me. Probably because I never really went on a real date on this day. But regardless, I was thinking about it earlier and I just don’t really care for this day at all. Maybe I’m misunderstanding this, but you should celebrate your relationship every day that you’re in it. Cherish it for what it is. You don’t need a specific day to celebrate it. I’ve concluded that as much as I want to get with Brooke, I don’t really give a shit that I’m single. It is what it is. If something comes of it, then so be it. I guess I just don’t have the patience anymore to deal with bullshit. Not saying that I think that being with her would be more trouble than it’s worth, but I’m literally fine with it if she’s not into me. I honestly have no idea where she stands, and I don’t necessarily care to know. If she comes onto me, then I’ll go with it. But if she doesn’t, I don’t really give a fuck. Life goes on, nothing changes. Maybe I’m just too apathetic, but I’m literally ok with not knowing.

Falling for someone I can’t get. That seems to be the story of my life. It’s tough, but it is what it is. You know what they say, “you can’t fight love.” Sometimes you just love who you love.

I’ve grown accustomed to it. I guess I’m as comfortable with it as I can get. I get hung up on a girl for a little while, but I eventually get over it, and move on. I mean getting with them is most likely a non-zero chance, but at some point you have to decide whether or not it’s worth spending time on. I’ve probably wasted my time on several, but there are several more that I barely even gave a chance. I mean, for one, I thought they were outta my league. But it doesn’t mean that it’ll never happen. You don’t know that until you try.

So that leads me to Brooke. She’s super cute, pretty, and seems like a good girl. The thing is, I work with her, and I barely know her at all. So am I just fantasizing? Is she worth pursuing? I mean, she no longer has a boyfriend. She’s open game, do I just flirt with her a little bit and find out what it is? Or do I just leave it alone entirely? Are we both just waiting on the other to make a move? I don’t want to jeopardize anything at work, so I guess I’ll just leave it alone. Move onto a different girl. I guess I’m still afraid of commitment. I’m not ready to be hurt so deeply again, so I guess I’m no longer willing to take any risks.

The perfect one. The one that you never should’ve let go. The one that got away. Everyone has one. For me, the first one was Katie. One of my sister Victoria’s best friends at the time. She had the illest crush on me for years and I knew it. The summer before I started dating my ex, I had a chance to get with her. She had her own personal nickname for me and she would flirt with me every chance she got. For years, I imagined that there was an alternate reality where we were a thing. But deep down I knew that it could never amount to anything after that point. I already had a girlfriend, and I didn’t want to ruin anything for my sister. Life would definitely have gone a different direction if I had gone with her. Maybe I’d be happier, maybe I would’ve found eternal love, maybe we’d even be married by now. But then again, maybe not. Who knows? This is over and done with. There is absolutely no chance of this ever happening especially considering she and my sister barely even talk anymore.

There have been many girls since. Like I’ve said, I tend to get caught up. In one way or another, these have all been failures that I have dwelled upon. Even the so-called successes have caveats although these are few and far between. Each subsequent crush following my breakup smelled more and more of desperation. Each additional failure caused me to spiral deeper and deeper into a cradle of lameness and awkwardness.

Until there reached a point in time where I finally started being “cool.” After the breakup I was borderline suicidal and as depressed as I’ve ever been. She broke up with me in the middle of June, right before my senior year. She told me that we needed to take a break, and that she’d let me know where we stood after a week. We didn’t even last the week… She said it was a long time coming and that after I physically harmed her twice that the whole year she had been falling out of love with me. She had held on in hopes that we could get past this. But my emotional instability was too taxing on her mental stability. She was trying to fix me because she loved me. But the only way to fix me was to listen and to stay back.

During the last 6 months or so of our relationship I had weekly appointments with one of the university’s mental health counselors. In these sessions I would admit unnecessary guilt and irrational anger. I had lost who I was, and somehow got caught up in the emotions. I no longer felt like I was in control. As tough a time as this was for me, it was likely even tougher for my ex. Nevertheless, the breakup happened, my heart was broken, I was devastated. Whatever. The first month after my heart was crushed was the hardest time of my life. I spent most nights crying myself to sleep. I refused to believe that this was real life. For months afterwards I denied that any of this had actually happened. Once I was finally able to acknowledge that I had indeed been dumped, I was able to really feel how deeply this wound hurt.

This is when I first turned to cigarettes, weed, and alcohol. My method of coping with the pain was to numb it, and it worked. I stopped feeling and eventually fell into a haze. Every week ended with drunken nights Thursday through Sunday. But guess what? Apparently heartbreak and substance abuse combine into a potent birthing ground for confidence. Who knew? Nothing really mattered to me anymore. I no longer had anything to live for. As such, I just didn’t give a fuck about looking like an idiot. Trying to function while high is difficult as fuck. That said, since I no longer really cared about other’s perceptions of me, I started going all out, all the time.

People always tell you that girls can smell desperation, and I don’t dispute this. But likewise, girls can smell confidence, and when you’re overflowing with it everything just falls in place without much effort on your part. Girls start talking to you, they start dancing with you. It’s all well and good, but if you have trouble closing, you have trouble closing, there’s no way around it. Confidence is not going to help you finally get laid, and it’s not going to get you a girlfriend. The first step, is a mixture of luck, fate, and confidence. The second part is all skill. Confidence will get you in the doorway, but it’s up to you to make it through.

This is coming from someone who’s failed so many times I’ve almost lost count. I’ve come across several situations where I’ve had it so well made that I “can’t possibly fuck up.” But guess what? I fucked it up in those situations. I’m not going to go into too much detail. This post is already too long as it is and I’ve been working on it for like a month and a half. It’s been so long that I don’t really even think about the girl that I had originally planned on writing this post about, but now that we’re already this far along, I might as well write about her.

This year at MIA, I met a cute, little, white girl from Temple University. The epitome of a PYT. I maybe danced with her for 45 minutes tops, but being that we were both rolling hard as fuck, I felt like we had a real connection. Apparently she had been looking at me for a while, and asked one of my friends if I was single. All things were a go at that point!

We started dancing with each other and talking, and I really felt wanted and admired for the first time in a while. She kept saying how cute I was and how attracted she was to me. I should’ve/could’ve/would’ve went home with her. If only I wasn’t such a fucking idiot. I had an in with her. All I had to do was say, “my friends and I are going to Coldplay now. Do you wanna come with?”

That’s it.

If I had said that, things would be different. But instead, I got confused when someone told me, “we have to go now. Are you coming alone, or do you want to bring her?” I said, “I’m coming alone.” I swear, you can’t let me make a decision when I’m intoxicated. I don’t know how to do things like a normal person. But alas, I really have no one to blame but myself. I wish things had worked out, but I gotta live with the reality.

I still think about her sometimes (not as often as I did when I first started writing this post). Hoping, wishing, longing that I had gotten her number, gone home with her, taken a picture of her. ANYTHING. But sadly, I’ve lost her to the world. Her name is Victoria, and she was a senior at Temple University. That’s all I know about her. That’s probably all I’ll ever know. Of course, I’ll keep my ear to the ground, but what are the chances of meeting her again? Slim to none. But one can hope right?

Eventually, I’ll meet someone who sweeps me off my feet, who loves me and shows me how to love. I know, trust, and believe that it will happen. When will it happen? Who will it be? Who knows? But one has to keep living, hoping to find the one right? Cause honestly, what’s really the point of living if you’re not seeking out love? You can have money, a great job, a dog, a lot of friends, but it’s all meaningless if you don’t have someone to share it with.