Tag Archives: Family

Brokenness, Family, people, Poetry, Reflections, Relationships, Writing

There but Not There

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All my life I’ve been searching to fill the hole in my heart
You offered what you could, but it wasn’t enough
I was always wanting more. Wishing that you were someone else
It was unfair to you, but I didn’t know any better
I was only a young pup
Trying to find my way in the world and not having much luck
I needed a role model in my life
Someone to guide me through the downs and the ups

You were there but not there
Sorta in the picture, a financial rock
But emotionally unavailable, totally distant
There to clothe us, house us, feed us
I guess you thought that it was enough

But it was hard to read you
You always felt closed off
You were never there when I needed you
I could never reach you
You were there but not there

At least you provided me with a privileged life
But I could never look past your flaws
Was never content with what you gave
I’ve really been spoiled in that way
I’m lacking in gratitude, I acknowledge that full well
I wish it wasn’t that way

I often miss the forest for the trees
At the end of the day, you gave me all that you could give
For someone else that would’ve been enough
But I wanted and needed emotional support
Something that you couldn’t give

You were there but not there
Gave me what you could give
Instead of appreciating it I always looked for something more
Something that you couldn’t give
I realize that now
But it feels like it’s too late

All this time I was looking for a type of love you weren’t capable of
But you loved me in your own way
You gave me what you could give
I should’ve been content with that
Instead of chasing the type of love that I wanted
It wasn’t gonna happen
You were always there but not there
Physically close, but emotionally distant
All this time I’ve been chasing what you couldn’t give

Art, Changing, Dreaming, Family, Greatness, Growth, Poetry, Writing

No Good Son

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Sometimes I feel like I’m a no good son
Don’t always treat others the way that they deserve
Don’t always respect the parents that gave me life
Don’t always cherish the time spent with family
Don’t always value the friendships that I have

Sometimes I feel like I’m a no good son
Taking too much for granted
Not taking advantage of my strengths and skillset
Not making the most of my opportunities
Sometimes it feels like I’m just wasting time

Although I know that it isn’t true
My time out of work has been of tremendous value
I’ve learned new skills and worked on my craft
The writer I am is leaps & bounds above the writer I was
And yet I still have to wonder

In the blink of an eye three years have past
Could I have come back last year?
Would things have turned out differently?
It’s been a year of disappointments
Could it all have been avoided?

But I won’t dwell too long
Because I have to move on
Twenty twenty-four wasn’t the year for me
But I will make the most of twenty twenty-five
Whatever I do, it’s gonna be the year that I thrive

Time to find a day job again, but I’m not giving up on my dream
I’d like to do more with my life than just merely survive
Sometimes I feel like I’m a no good son
Doing nothing but wasting my time
But I know it’s all a lie

No one said that being an artist is easy
It’s a life full of pain and hardship
One where sacrifices need to be made
I’ve been blessed and lucky to have the support that I have
Lord knows not everyone has that

I won’t ever know what it’s like to starve
What it’s like to create without the comfort of a home
But my family has given and given and given
It’s past time to pay it all back
To become financially independent once again

I will be a published author one day, but now is not that time
Adaptability and a willingness to pivot is the name of the game
I’ll find a way to support myself
Work by day, and write by night
Time to set aside my pride, and get back to the grind

Art, Family, isolation, Loss, people, Poetry, Wellness

Can’t Turn Back Time

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No matter what we do we can’t turn back time
We might dwell on the past
Or hold onto something that’s been lost
But whatever we do, we can’t turn back time

I wish things were different
I wish we could have what we once had
But we’ve grown apart
There’s no looking back

I’m trying to let go
I know it’s for the best
But I keep getting sucked back in
I keep falling for the same trap

We’re not right for each other
The gap between us is too far to span
We started drifting years ago
And before we knew it, we had gotten so far

Too far to swim back
Too far to reach out
Too far to compromise
We can’t turn back

What we once had is lost
Never to be felt again
A chasm has grown between us
An endless abyss full of darkness

You and I are too different now
Too different to re-align
Too much has changed
There’s been too much pain
Too much hurt, too much bitterness

We can’t turn back time
Things will never be the same
We can’t have what we once had
Best if we go our separate ways

Too different to remain
I see things differently now
I hope you feel the same

When I was younger I didn’t know better
I followed the examples of my elders when I didn’t know my way
But as I grew older, I realized that things were no longer the same
You and I, we see things differently
The generation gap is a thing

I know who I am now
And I see things in a different way
We can’t turn back time
We can’t rediscover what was lost
Maybe we can find some common ground in the future
But I’m not gonna hold out hope

Art, Changing, Family, Loss, Poetry

Undone

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Each day is more of the same
Trying to get you to listen
But your ears weren’t made to hear
It’s the same ole shit over and over
I just can’t get you to comprehend
I can’t get you to mend (your ways)
I can’t make you understand

Each conversation becomes more and more pointless
We have nothing left to say
Our relationship is just too strained
We were close once
But not anymore and never again
I’m not sure when that changed

We’ve been drifting apart for so long
It’s past time that we let go
I’ve changed but you’ve remained the same
It’s the hard truth
One that I accepted long ago

But you keep grasping for something that no longer exists
I wish that weren’t so
However, I can’t deny that my feelings have changed
Moving on is for the better
We’ll still talk on occasion
We might still hang out
But it’s not how it used to be
And try as we may, that’ll never be

We weren’t meant to last
Weren’t meant to be together until the end
Circumstances changed along the way
And that’s just how it goes
We may have had a special affinity once
Might’ve walked hand in hand
But as fate would have it
Our paths were only meant to intersect
Only together for a short time

So I’ve waved goodbye to what we had
I’ve said my farewells, so we’re over and done
I wish it didn’t have to end this way
But what’s done is done
I felt the sadness, I felt the pain
I wish this wasn’t the outcome

I let you go so long ago
I wish you’d do the same
I went one way, you went the other
Along the way something changed
I tried to fix things, I really did
But you weren’t willing to change
You weren’t able to try a new perspective
And this is why we’re undone

Art, Brokenness, Changing, Family, Heartbreak, Loss, Poetry

Dreamkiller

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You never understood me, you never really tried
It’s fine though because I stopped lamenting it long ago
Always been the black sheep, always been misunderstood
Never gonna fit in, not fully
Never part of the family, not really
I’m fine with it, I really am

But the least you could do is have my back
The least you could do is try to care
Pretend that you supported me in my endeavors
You never gave me what I needed
Only gave me what you could spare
It was never what was right
And it was never good enough

You always were a dreamkiller
Never taking me seriously
Never thinking me capable
Never letting me grow into the man I was meant to be
Never letting me breathe, never letting me dream

You have a close-minded view of reality
Only accepting two ways to live
You told me I could either be A or B
But what if I wanted to be C?

I’ve always been different
I didn’t think that was hard to see
I marched to the beat of my own drum
Even as a kid, even when I was young

You never could relate, and I don’t blame you for that
But you never tried to understand
All you did was suppress and discourage
I can’t forgive you for that
You’re a dreamkiller, and a heartbreaker
Never let me pursue my passions
Never helped fuel my ambition

You only gave me what you wanted to give, never what I needed
Never understood that all I needed was just one person on my side
One person who pushed me to reach new heights
Just one person to tell me that I was good enough
One person to say, “I’m with you, whatever it takes.”
I didn’t think I was asking for much
But evidently, the bare minimum is expecting too much

I don’t need you to see it from my perspective
We don’t need to see eye to eye
You and I are different
Our paths will never realign

Coming to you was a mistake
This I should’ve learned
You never had my back before
Why would things be different now?
I knew better than to let you do this to me again
I knew better than to rely on you for anything
I tried to forget, I tried to forgive, I really did

You haven’t changed, not one bit
But I did
I’m not the same meek child I used to be
I’m no longer lost and uncertain
I’m forging my own path, making my own way
I know what I’m aiming for, I know where I’m headed
If you’re not going to support me, then get out of my way

I told you what I needed
I told you what I wanted
I told you what I expected from you
But it’s gone clean through
In one ear and out the other
It’s clear to me that you haven’t been listening
It’s clear to me that my voice hasn’t been heard

You just do what you always do
Control & manipulate
Always seeking to have your way
Always thinking that you know best
You’re a dreamkiller, a heartbreaker
Toxic energy that drains

My teachers told me that I could be whoever I wanted to be
But that I never believed
I wasn’t allowed to dream
No, that wasn’t the way
You can be this or that, but never that
“You’ll do as I say”

I did that for a time
But it never made me happy, it never satisfied
It never made me feel confident or good enough
Never could live up

But I’m better than that now, I know who I am
Pleasing you is an ever moving target
And that’s not who I am
Not a people pleaser, not a doormat
I am who I am, an independent thinker, a dreamer
Someone who’s building a life where only greatness will suffice

I’ve said all that I needed to say
I’ve made my peace
I’m leaving you behind, you won’t keep doing this to me
Dreamkiller, heartbreaker
Toxic energy that drains

I tried to be patient, I tried to be kind
I gave you many chances to change
To show me that you were on my side
But it’s the same ole shit over and over
I can no longer let it slide
I didn’t wanna do this, but this is goodbye