Tag Archives: isolation

Disappointment Once Again

Disappointment once again
I thought things would be different
Maybe I’d set wrong expectations 
Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic
Wanting to see the best in every situation
Hoping that things would turn out well
But losing track of what was realistic
Setting myself up to fail

I expected things to turn out differently
So I’m disappointed once again
It seems that’s all I know in life
Trying and trying and trying again
With little to show for it
Finding a win in life seems harder the more you fail

But what can I do but keep moving on?
What can I do to continue forwards?
“Onwards and upwards,” like I’ve been saying
“Keep putting in your best effort”
“One foot in front of the other”
All of this is easy for me to say
But it’s gotten hard to maintain my confidence
Become harder to believe the words I say

What comes next?
Where do I go from here?
What happens when the motivator loses motivation?
What happens when my air of confidence is no longer there?

Disappointment once again
Am I setting myself up to fail?
Do I still got what it takes?
Am I still capable of chasing greatness?
I thought I had the answers
But I only have more questions
What is my value?
How much am I worth?
Can I still do this?
Or am I lower than dirt?

I sincerely thought that I would be blessed
If I only put in the work
But now I’m not so sure
It’s been so long since I’ve seen a win
Please just give me a sign
It could be anything

Just Another Outcast

I’m not sure where it all went wrong
Or was it wrong all along?
I’ve felt alone for far too long
Even when I wasn’t alone
Even when I had others on my side
It never did feel quite right

Will I ever fit in?
Is it meant to be?
Or was I destined to be an outcast
Forever alone for all eternity
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
I guess I never really knew my identity

After all this time I thought I’d find my place
Find some peace
But my seat is only temporary
I’m only here for a short time
Meant to be replaced
Easily forgotten
Soon I’ll become just a face
Just a blip on the radar
A vague notion on the mind

I’ve tried for decades to find acceptance
And sometimes I find it
But it’s always fleeting
Never meant to last
I’m permanently impermanent
Just another outcast

I suspect that this is what I’m meant for
To wander for all eternity
A nomad without a home
Someone who bounces from place to place
Unwanted here, unwanted there
Never understood, never appreciated
Never accepted for who I am
But it is what it is, that’s life

I’ve tried my best to find my place
To find a permanent place to stay
But my seat is only temporary
I’d like to stay but I can’t
It just doesn’t feel right

I’m just another outcast
It wasn’t my choice, but it is my role
Best to accept it
Ignore the disappointment
In order to avoid the rigmarole 

Left Behind (Time After Time)

Time after time it feels like history repeats itself
It feels like it’s the same old story being told
I’ve been searching and praying for so long
Trying to find someone to hold me
Who would have my back
But it seems like my search is in vain

Each time the friendship comes to a close
Each time I’m left feeling betrayed
I gave it my all, and I tried my best
But I guess that wasn’t enough
It seems it wasn’t meant to last

Each time I pick myself back up again
Eventually I’m able to try again
But the next time is always harder than the last
I can only make myself vulnerable so much
I’m afraid to get hurt again
I’m afraid to put it all in
And get nothing in return

Is there something wrong with me?
Am I the reason all things come to an end?
Am I the reason no one wants to be my friend?
I’ve never really fit in
Never could find my place
I’ve tried time and time again

But it seems I always get left behind
Ignored and forgotten, easily overlooked
What have I done wrong?
But I’m never given the courtesy
Never been told face to face

We’re not cool anymore
Time has passed us by
We’re going our separate ways
And that’s all I’ll ever know
All this but never been given reasons why
Never could figure out why I’m so easy to leave behind

I guess that’s life
No real place for me
No true friends to hold me down
No one who has my back through thick and thin
But I’ll manage, I’ll get back on my feet
I’ve always been on my own, always been alone

For brief moments of time it seems things will be different
But the story always ends the same
Me on my lonesome, again wondering what happened
You’d think I’d learn by now, would no longer be blindsided
You’d think I’d realize that friendship was not meant to be
It’s me versus the world, that’s how it’s always been

Just trying to find my place
But never appreciated and always left behind
I’ve changed and I’ve gotten better
I’m no longer a burden like I used to be
But that doesn’t seem to matter

It’s the same old story, it always ends the same
A friendship ends, a friendship dies
And I’m always left behind
Always the one that’s hurt
But no one ever cares
I’m collateral damage, it’s okay if I get hurt

They don’t think I’m worth much
I’m just baggage that can be cut loose
It’s okay for them to severe ties
They can find someone else easily, don’t really have to search
“That guy, I don’t need that guy,” they say
And perhaps that’s true
But I gave them all of me, and they just said, “fuck you”

It’s the same old story
It always ends with me hurt
They’re able to move on
Never consider what I’m worth
It hurts every time
And eventually I’ll get over it
Eventually I’ll heal
But it gets harder each time

Maybe I’m just meant to be on my own
Cause I know what I’m worth
I guess it is what it is
Never meant to be
There’s not a place for me in their lives
It’s just me and me
I’ll make it through
I promise you I’ll be alright

I guess I never really needed them
But it hurts just the same
But I’ll get over it and heal
I’ll be alright
But I’ll be alone
At the end of the day my heart is my home

Finding My Place

What do I mean in the grand scheme of things?
Where do I fit in?
What does life mean to me?
Where do I begin?

Never really knew my place in life
Never really felt all that accepted
Under-appreciated and misunderstood
That’s how it’s always been

Never been anyone’s favorite person
Never been referred to as a best friend
It had always been a bit one-sided
People meant more to me than I meant to them

Quickly forgotten and easily overlooked
Sometimes I feel invisible, just a character in a book
It’s the same ol’ story, destined to repeat
I’m there for a short time, easy to ignore
Not super memorable, just another guy
“Oh yeah, who was he again? Oh, he was that guy”
Every connection has the same ending

I was there for a short time
But then I was easily forgotten
I move on from friend group to friend group
Hoping to find a place to stay
But it’s only ever temporary
And that’s it, I’m trying to find my place once again

No permanent place for me
Nowhere I belong
Making friends had always been tough for me
But it’s gotten even harder as the years go on

Time and time again I’ve tried to find my place
I fit the dynamic for a little bit, but then my time is up
A wandering nomad on an endless journey
Is this what I’m destined for?
A life devoid of acceptance?

What do I mean to them?
Where do I fit in?
What does life mean to me?
Where do I begin?

Am I doing something wrong?
Is there something wrong with me?
Only there for a short time, but then they forget about me
I’m finding my place in the world
And so far I don’t belong
As time rolls on, will I find what I’m looking for?
Will I find somewhere to be, and stop moving on?

The Hermit

Jethro was alone, as he always had been. He liked it better that way. Not had much in the way of validation in recent years, but he had no one left to impress. Life for him was simple. No one to rely on, and no one who relied on him. 

His wife had passed away long ago, but he couldn’t remember how long it had been. The days, months, and years had started to blur together. That was the cost of his self-isolation, but he didn’t mind. Not really. It had been so long since he had seen another person, he wondered if anyone knew that he was still alive. It didn’t much bother him. 

He had felt like a burden in his younger years. Try as he may he had never really shaken that feeling. It had been tough to cope with at first, but over time he had started to care less and less. However, the less he valued outside opinion, the harsher he was on himself.

The sense of dissatisfaction never left him. And eventually it leaked out into his professional life. Finding work had always been a struggle. He just couldn’t get himself to stick with something for long-term. It had always felt monotonous and restricting so he had tried his hand at many things. Becoming proficient at everything, but excelling at nothing. 

His wife had stuck with him through it all. Jethro had never really understood why. But that had been a different time. One that was long past. The years then had been brighter, but he wouldn’t have called them happy. 

After several decades, he still hadn’t found what he’d been looking for. Satisfaction had always been ever so elusive. He had come close several times but had never found it. It wasn’t asking for too much was it? Jethro hadn’t thought so, but the Universe didn’t seem to agree.

Thirty years of soul-searching, and he’d had nothing to show for it. So he had given up. Withdrawing within himself, he had closed himself off to the world. It wasn’t worth it to him anymore. He had given to the world what he could, and had received nothing in return.

Jethro had never really had a problem speaking with others, in fact he considered himself socially adept. But he had never liked people, and for most of his existence that dictated much of his social interaction. Over the years, he’d become more and more of a recluse. Life was easier that way, when there was no one left to disappoint.

The years leading up to his wife’s passing had not been great. They hadn’t fought much, but they also hadn’t spent much meaningful time together. Jethro had withdrawn too far, grown too aloof. Looking back on it, he wished that he would’ve approached things differently, but he had changed. He didn’t think it was for the better. But no use mourning for what was already lost. He had already moved on. 

After she had died, he had packed up his belongings and had left home. He had gone off the grid, leaving most of his possessions behind—he no longer had use for them—only bringing whatever fit into his truck. He had no need for his past life. 

He had driven as far as he could go, stopping when he could no longer hear the sound of civilization. There were no roads where he was, no buildings, no excavated land. He’d found his own patch of dirt, untouched by humanity. Unmarred, unblemished, unsoiled. That was exactly where he wanted to be.

Everything that Jethro had he built on his own. He didn’t know where he was, but he didn’t care. This cabin was his home. The garden around it was his own. This was his land and he’d be damned if anyone took it away from him. He had everything that he needed. No stress. No distractions. No obligations. But most importantly, no guilt. Free to focus on himself. 

So, that fateful day in August was a day like any other. Jethro woke up an hour before sunrise as he often did. Out of habit, he put on his platinum watch, tapping a finger to the glass twice. It hadn’t ticked in more than a decade, but he had never bothered to fix it. It was a keepsake of a past life and nothing more. He didn’t need it to tell time. His internal clock hadn’t failed him yet.

It was when he was in the middle of his rounds that everything changed. He had finished checking his traps and was on his way to collect water from the nearby stream  when chaos ensued. It started out as a rattling of dirt and pebbles. Odd. Jethro didn’t think he was in earthquake territory. 

But it wasn’t an earthquake. It was something much worse. Out of the corner of his eye, Jethro saw a red ball streaking through the air. Heat radiated from it as it fell towards the ground. Jethro shielded his eyes—it grew brighter as it drew near. 

Oh shit. He braced himself for the impact, but it swept him off his feet anyway. Ripples of air pulsed towards him, keeping him flat on his back. After about thirty seconds, there was a deafening boom followed by several thunderous cracks

Jethro lay still, his ears ringing. That was when the screaming started. Not as far away from humanity as he had thought. Paradise shattered. Should I help? he wondered. Are there people to save? He was no hero, but could he leave people in distress? Would he feel guilty for his inaction?

Despite his better judgment he decided that he needed to investigate. He didn’t want to go, but he felt that he had to. Jethro quickly loaded supplies into the bed of his truck—some food, a few blankets, a shovel, a knife, his trusty hunting rifle, a handgun. 

Once he was ready, he turned the key in the ignition, praying that his truck would start. It had been many years since he had driven it. At first, he was met with only a bunch of clicking—hopefully the battery hadn’t rusted over. Just my luck. The one time I need it to work

Jethro got out of the cab, and opened the hood. Everything looked to be in order. After giving the dashboard a few hearty smacks, he tried again. The engine sputtered then came to life. 

Figuring out which way to go was fairly straightforward. Towards the screaming seemed like a good bet. The trail of destruction wasn’t hard to follow. He drove past toppled trees and over rocky terrain. Thank God for allwheel drive.

Before long, he reached the epicenter in a clearing devoid of trees. An odd sight considering the path of splintered forest he had followed to get there. Even odder was the fact that the screaming had stopped. It was only a few miles away from his cabin. He hadn’t needed to take a highway to get there, it was in unchartered land as he was. 

But what he saw wasn’t what he had expected to see. There was no ring of fire, no crater of impact. Instead what he saw before him was a glowing yellow ball. It looked like a miniature sun but it gave off less heat than it had before. 

Jethro got out of his truck slowly. No sudden movements. Without turning his back to the ball, he eased his way to the bed. He holstered his handgun, then pulled out his rifle as quietly as possible. 

He waited thirty seconds, a minute, two minutes. There was no movement, and no sound. Cautiously, Jethro crept towards the ball, finger resting on the trigger. As he drew to within twenty yards the ball started to rotate and hum. Jethro stopped walking, and crouched down. Aiming down the sights, he prepared for what was to come.

The humming grew to a whine as the ball spun faster and faster. It strobed from yellow to orange to red. Jethro looked down but not away, wishing that he had remembered to bring sunglasses. 

After some time, the spinning orb began to slow. A circular door opened on the side, and glaring white light emanated from within. Jethro looked away, but not quick enough as spots were seared into his retinas. Surprisingly, he felt no pain.

A figure emerged, cloaked in darkness. Jethro couldn’t make out a face or any distinct features. It was like staring into a void. There was a light coming from behind the figure, but it was unclear where it came from.

The figure came towards him, stopping ten feet away. Looking upon it filled Jethro with a sense of dread and foreboding. Is this my last hour? He continued to aim down the sight of the barrel, but he was trembling so much that he didn’t know if he’d be able to take the shot.

The shadow-man lifted a hand. Jethro dropped his rifle as it became unbearably hot. He watched as it melted into slag, burning a hole in the ground. Jethro lowered himself to both knees, bowing his head. His end was near.

“Gift me the Earth,” the figure said.

“I-I-Its n-n-not mine to give,” Jethro stammered. His voice was raspy and gritty from years of disuse.

“GIFT ME THE EARTH,” the shadow-man said more forcefully.

“I cannot give what is not mine.”

“This planet has met its doom. You are the last one left. Its sole inhabitant.”

“Even still, I cannot give it to you.” If he had nothing else, Jethro still had his principles.

“Then the world will burn.”

“Do what you will. Take what you want. I will not stop you,” Jethro said.

“A planet must be gifted. It cannot be taken. Gift. Me. The. Earth.”

“I cannot.”

“Then we shall become one,” the shadow-man said, stepping closer to Jethro.

There was nothing left for Jethro to do or say, so he looked up at the shadow-man, accepting his fate.

“On your feet,” the figure commanded.

Jethro rose.

The figure laid a hand on Jethro’s forehead, so hot that it seared flesh. Jethro screamed. The burning continued for what felt like hours. Abruptly the sensation stopped, and with it came knowledge. Jethro knew what he’d been missing. Fire and flame was all that he needed. All the worlds would burn, for they needed cleansing.