Tag Archives: Mental Health

Growth, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Feeling My Age

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“Act your age.” I’m sure everyone has heard that reprimand more than a few times in life. But what exactly does it mean? Is it even a reasonable thing to say? I’ll admit, this isn’t something I ever really challenged before. In truth, I didn’t challenge much when I was younger. Sure, I asked questions and let my curiosity lead me. But when an authority figure said something, I took what they said at face value. What were we supposed to do? We didn’t know any better, and we were always told to listen to and obey our elders. If what they told us was wrong, was it still in our best interest to do what we were told? The older I get, the more I wonder how many of the things they told us were misguided or flat out incorrect.

What can I say? Therapy has changed me. It’s made me more self-aware, and with that came learning how to self-reflect. I’m not able to look at things the same way anymore, no matter how hard I try. My perspective has changed, and I’m not the same person that I used to be. There was no point in fighting it, because it was inevitable. The more that I learned, the less ignorant I became. There was no possible way to reverse course. Once the door to wisdom and knowledge opened, there was no going backwards. It just wasn’t and isn’t possible. That being said, every memory or past experience can be and will be examined in a different light.

There’s nothing that tells me that I have to self-reflect on my own time. Theoretically, I could leave it solely to be done at therapy. However, it’s something that can’t be helped. I think a lot—that’s how I’ve always been. But just because I did a lot of it, didn’t necessarily mean that it was beneficial for me to do so. I had a tendency to overthink, dwell on the past, and fall into a cycle of loathing and self-pity, all of which is toxic energy. What I did was mull over things that couldn’t be changed. Instead of using my past to inform my future, I was reimagining the past by thinking of things I could’ve done differently. A wholly unhelpful exercise. It was thinking without action to follow, which is meaningless and wastes time. You can think over all the different changes you want to make in life, but until you take that first step towards actually doing something about it, your situation is going to remain the same. In order to live the life that you want to live, you have to take charge. 

Windows of opportunity can and will open up, but you need to pursue them and seek them out. It’s not often that things will just be handed to you. That’s not how life works. You’d have to be extremely lucky (or spoiled) for things to just fall into your lap. In order to be blessed you have to work towards those blessings. The life that you want is there for the taking, but you have to put in the work. It sounds rather obvious and intuitive. Why wouldn’t you work hard for the things that you want? But knowing it and living it are two different things. For twenty odd years I knew it, but I didn’t live it. It was something I knew on a surface level, but it wasn’t what drove me forwards in life. It didn’t resonate with me.

Not until I started working towards something. Not until I found my purpose and calling. Not until I found something that I’m good at and am passionate about. Not until I matured and grew up. I’ll be honest, I was a late bloomer—no shame in that. Each individual develops at their own pace, and as such, certain milestones are reached faster or slower, at different ages or stages of life. All of this is normal. Our variability is what makes us human. If we were all homogenous we’d be no different than robots, destined to follow the program that’s written for us. But that’s not who or what we are. We’re meant for great things, but it requires a certain level of work ethic, dedication, and perseverance—mental fortitude in short. 

Mental fortitude is something that’s developed over time, not something that’s taught or learned. Without it it’s easy to give up. It’s easy to back down when met with adversity. It’s easy to start believing the lies that we are told—the ones that tell us we’re not good enough, that we won’t amount to anything, that what we do isn’t meaningful. No one ever told me any of this outright, so where did these lies stem from? Yes, my depression and anxiety were both big factors in this. But I’m not the only one with this story. I’m not the only one who lacked self-confidence and had a warped sense of self-worth. I’m not the only one who struggled with the transition from childhood to puberty. I’m not the only one who had a hard time growing up.  

“Act your age.” A phrase that was seemingly innocuous for the longest time. I never thought anything of it. But I’ve recently come to the realization that a lot of what we were told when we were younger was actually quite damaging to our psyches, even if we didn’t know it at the time. What would such a statement do to an eight-year-old who’s misbehaving? What would it do for a pre-pubescent or a teenager who’s already having enough trouble finding themselves as is? Not a helpful phrase by any means, because, again, what exactly does it mean? If all individuals progress at different rates, then such a statement is inherently faulty. We’re left chasing a constantly moving target, looking to meet expectations that we’ll never live up to. 

It took me more than two and a half decades to finally break free of this. To finally stop living for other people, and start living for myself. I had let expectations and projections put a cap on my ceiling. Let what others said of me limit my potential. But no one knows me better than I know myself. I needed to do what was best for me. Starting with pursuing a career that was actually fulfilling, and seeking out the hobbies that I enjoyed. No longer worrying about how others perceived me, no longer feeling the need to suppress my true self. I realized that no one can tell me how I should live my life. Because when it comes down to it, not all advice is good advice, nor is all of it applicable to me. I take what works for me, and leave the rest.

So with that comes a time when I finally feel my age. For the longest time, I refused to grow up, refused to mature. Was just a kid stuck in an adult’s body. Acting, thinking, speaking the same way for all those years. I was stubborn and stuck in my ways. Knew that things weren’t working, but refused to try things a different way. I think part of it was fear—fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of the unknown. Part of it was being comfortable enough with where I was. And part of it was my anxiety telling me that I didn’t deserve any of it. Perhaps it was true that I didn’t deserve any flowers at the time. But it didn’t mean that I would never earn them. I just needed to try.

I just needed to find my purpose. Find my place in the world. And put in the effort to get to where I wanted to go. But most importantly, I needed to grow up and mature. None of which would’ve been possible if I hadn’t been forced out of my comfort zone. Nothing makes you turn into an adult quicker than being thrown out there into the real world. There comes a time in everyone’s life, when you find yourself at a crossroads. You can either keep acting the same way that you’ve always acted, or you can change, improve, and mature. You can either keep acting like a kid, or you can become an adult. At some point or another, you have to make the conscientious decision to grow up.

Discovery, Greatness, Growth, Media, Mental Health, Mindfulness

Where Do You Wanna Go?

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As I’ve shared before, I struggle to stay focused at times. It’s easy to get distracted by the outside noise. It’s easy for me to lose sight of the steps I need to take to get to where I want to go. What can I say? I like to get a holistic view of things. I’m always asking questions trying to connect the pieces. But sometimes I get carried away looking at the big picture, and the task becomes too monumental. That’s when I have to take a step back, and remind myself that I have goals in mind—short-term, mid-term, and long-term—and I need to take it one day, one step, at a time. Tune out the static and keep on working. If I stop, I’ll never reach my milestones.

I wish I’d had this type of ambition and drive when I was younger. But I lacked a purpose, and without one my wheels were spinning. I regret wasting so much time, but there’s nothing for it now. The best I can do is make up for lost time. It won’t be easy, and I know that. I just need to be patient, keep my head down and continue to plug away. The hard work hasn’t paid off yet but it doesn’t mean that it won’t at some point in the future. That’s something I have to remind myself of daily. We can’t lose sight of where we’re trying to go. Don’t settle for anything less. Along the way you may come across haters or people who are jealous of you. Don’t let them distract you. The time that you spend worrying about criticism, positive or negative, would be better used on perfecting your craft. Like most things it’s easier said than done. 

Tuning out the noise is a skill that takes effort and deliberate action to develop—in the social media age especially. It’s not something that comes easily or naturally for most of us. In fact, in certain aspects it could be considered countercultural. Social media conditions us to believe in and seek instant gratification. We post something and we’re supposed to get feedback in short order. The more likes the better. The better the engagement the more successful you are. And it’s easy for us to believe that. Likes and views generally lead to follows. That’s a formula that works for Instagram and Tik Tok, I don’t dispute that at all. 

But we have to remember that while social media can be a tool, it can also be a detriment. It’s not always the golden goose it’s made out to be. Social media can be extremely taxing, mentally and emotionally. It’s easy to get caught up in it, and let it dictate our mood. It’s easy to let a poorly received post discourage us. It’s easy to take trolling personally. Once you let that happen, the app is in control of you, you’re not in control of the app. Be careful about how much time and energy you invest into it. Don’t let yourself get so sucked in that it starts to consume you. You are still an individual separate from your Internet persona. You’re still working towards something. Don’t forget that.

What you see on social media isn’t always the truth. You might see a happy couple in front of the camera, that’s always fighting behind it. You might see an upbeat, energetic individual on the screen, that’s depressed and looking for meaning off of it. You don’t know what people are dealing with on their own time. You only see what people want you to see. It might be who they are genuinely, but not necessarily. It’s best to keep that in mind as you navigate the social media landscape—especially if you’re looking to be a content creator or an influencer (neither of which were a thing when I was growing up). We don’t often get a look behind the scenes. We don’t see how much work needs to be done in the background before someone makes it big. We only see the content that’s published, not the blood, sweat, and tears that come before.

It will take hard work for you to get to where you want to go. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either downplaying it or lying. Anything worth doing will be difficult. That’s because it’s the best way for us to learn and grow. We only become wiser if we challenge ourselves. If you’re looking for easy, you’ll be stuck in neutral, destined for mediocrity. Life isn’t easy—that’s the honest truth. Coming to that realization is a part of growing up. The sooner you come to grips with that, the sooner you can embark on your journey. There comes a point in time when you find yourself at a crossroads: either you continue backing down from adversity or you face it head on.

The choice is yours. Will you choose to challenge yourself? Will you choose to persevere? Will you choose greatness? In order to get to where you want to go, you need to keep pushing yourself to higher heights. The only way to do that is actively working towards your goals, and meeting challenges head on. Tuning out the noise, and not letting yourself get distracted. It will be scary, and it will be tough. But you can’t reap a reward, without taking a risk. So, keep on keeping on. One day you’ll get to where you want to go.

Changing, Discovery, Growth, Knowledge, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

It’s Not That Simple

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“Are you a good person?” I’m sure everyone’s been asked that a number of times. If you asked a younger version of me, my answer would be fairly straightforward. I’d unequivocally say yes, and that would be the end of the discussion. If you asked me now, I would tell you, “it’s not that simple.” It’s not a yes or no question—it’s much more nuanced than that. The older I get, the more I realize that there aren’t really any absolutes in life. Not that many things are actually black and white. Most things require a much more discerning eye than simply sorting things into this or that. Everything requires a delicate balance, and life is akin to walking a tightrope. It’s more of a sliding scale than multiple choice. I know that now, but I didn’t always.

I grew up in a triple C home—Conservative, Christian, and Chinese. One of these things has changed entirely, one of them looks different than it did back then, and one of these things can’t be changed no matter how hard I try. I’m sure you can probably figure out which is which. Regardless, this resulted in me being raised in a way that sheltered me from the outside world. I was led to believe that all things could be looked at through a black and white lens. It was good versus evil. Either people were for you or they were against you. You were either righteous or a sinner. It was implied that there was no in between. And for the longest time I believed that. I didn’t know any better.

It wasn’t until college that I started to understand how the world really worked—which is to say that it doesn’t work the way that I thought it did, not even close. Coming out from under my parents’ protective umbrella worked wonders for opening my eyes. My whole life up til then had been oversimplified. I learned (perhaps the hard way) that there is in fact an in between! You’re generally given more than two options in life. Shades of gray exist everywhere despite what I was told. That’s what makes a lot of these hot button political issues so difficult to parse. Take illegal immigration for example, it’s nothing so simple as, “for it or against it.” There’s also a, “yes, but…” and a, “no, but…” amongst other answers. The question itself is far too complex for you to reply with a simple one. There’s more context needed. And you need to ask questions such as is legal immigration easier or harder for certain countries? Can prospective immigrants afford to acquire all the legal documents? Is legally migrating even feasible for certain individuals? Like I said, life is nuanced. But let’s not drift too far into that tangent, let me rein it back in here.

Something I pride myself on nowadays is my adaptability. Yes, I’m stubborn in certain ways, and I work better with a schedule and a plan. But I’m not rigid, not like how I used to be. My worldview and ethos change as I learn new things and gather more information. My perspective is constantly evolving, because that’s how you grow and improve. The one thing it can’t be is static, because that often leads to close-mindedness.   I’ve been through that before, and it’s not a great place to be to say the least. As I’ve said, the main goal is always to be a better person today than you were yesterday—in order to do that, you need to be flexible in thought and in action. Everything else is secondary. Yes, you want to be kind to those around you. Yes, you want to make an impact or a difference. Yes, you want to progress in your career or in your love life or what have you. But at the end of the day, none of this is possible if you haven’t worked on yourself first. If you’re not seeking to be a better version of yourself each and every day what are you doing it for? What “better” entails depends on the person and the day. I guarantee you that it won’t always be the same thing. And it won’t be easy.

But like I always say, everything is a learning experience. You take the good and the bad and you get better from it. It doesn’t matter if you succeed or if you fail, as long as you’ve learned something. You don’t want to be making the same mistakes over and over. You don’t want life to attempt to teach you the same lessons. Life is finite, so you want to make good use of your time. You learn and you grow and you move on. And your perspective continues to evolve. If you can do that then you’re on a path of continual progress, you keep moving onwards and upwards. I’d be remiss not to mention that there is no end to the journey of enlightenment—there will always be more to learn. But that’s not the point. You’re not doing it for a perfect ending. All you’re focused on is improving incrementally. It could be 1% a day or 10% a day, the number itself doesn’t matter, as long as you’re striving for better, and putting in some level of effort.

It took me quite a while to fully understand this, but everything that I’ve been through has brought me to this point. So although I regret wasting my time for so long, I don’t regret any of my past experiences. Especially not the adversity I went through, which helped shape me. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without having gone through all of that. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. Everything happened for very specific reasons. Not all of which are clear to me just yet, but will be with time. 

One thing that has become clear to me is that even though I have since distanced myself from the way my parents raised me, I still believe that they were well-intentioned in their approach. They did what they thought was right, so I can’t fault them for that. However, things didn’t really work out the way that they intended. There were many unintended byproducts of their parenting philosophy, some of which were beneficial and some of which were harmful. But you live and you learn. There was no way for them to know how things would turn out without trying it first. This ended up being more of a lesson for me than it was for them. 

The way my parents raised me has taught me certain facts of life that I want to pass on when I have kids of my own, but it has also taught me certain tactics that I want to stay far away from. They taught me how to be polite and generous. How to be respectful and compassionate. How to be smart and resourceful. But in certain ways they didn’t push me hard enough. They didn’t stress to me the importance of putting in effort or being a driven individual. They didn’t necessarily support me enough in my passions early on, which didn’t give me the confidence and mental fortitude to survive out there in the world. They didn’t provide me with the tools that I needed to set realistic expectations. And they didn’t give me the individual care that I needed. But I’m not going to lay all the blame on them for the way things turned out, because it’s not their fault. It takes nature and nurture and sheer dumb luck to mold our childhood selves into who we become when we get older. 

In this day and age it feels like we’re too often looking for cause and effect. Too often looking for people or things to blame for our luck or misfortune. But that’s just it… Luck and fortune/misfortune are dictated by fate (and/or God, depending on what you believe). Life is random, and sometimes shit just happens. Not everything needs an explanation, and not everything can be so easily summed up. Not everything has a party at fault. Sometimes both parties are at fault, sometimes neither is. And more often than not it lies somewhere in between. 

In many ways that scares us, but it shouldn’t. Life is nuanced and complicated. And answers are only simple at a quick glance. If you drill down deeper you will see that everything is quite complex. Such is life. If you’re looking for a simple or easy life you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Such a thing does not exist if you’re on the path to enlightenment. Such a thing does not exist if you’re continually seeking knowledge. Such a thing does not exist if you’re trying to move onwards and upwards. If you want to be better today than you were yesterday, then you better believe that the going will be challenging. But challenges keep you motivated. Are you up for the challenge?

Depression, Existentialism, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Confidence Lost

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Sorry again for the inactivity. Seems like I’ve been saying that a lot lately. Maybe it’s getting a bit redundant, but I guess I feel like I owe it to my readership and to myself. You know me, I value my consistency above most things. So it pains me greatly that my consistency has been lacking so far this year. This isn’t the way I wanna do things. Unfortunately, life has been pretty up and down for me of late. And it’s been a little hard for me to stay motivated and maintain my focus. I’m trying though, so hopefully we can return to our regularly scheduled program!

If you’ve been following along, you most likely already know that I have a tendency to overthink and become trapped in my own head. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was young. And while I’ve gotten better about it over the years, it feels natural for me to revert back to it (as with all bad habits). It’s not necessarily by choice mind you. Sometimes various worries and anxieties about life cloud my vision, cause me to lose sight of where I’m trying to go, and disrupt my process. If I don’t stay vigilant, it’s easy to let down my guard. Normally I’m pretty on top of that, and in the past, even when I have let down my guard I’ve done a good job of restoring it, for the most part. But it’s safe to say that it’s not the case this time around.

It’s been a weird six months to say the least, as I’ve alluded to a few times. After visiting my parents in September I found myself in a major funk. It’s come and gone every few weeks since. For a while I was hesitant to call it depression, but it sure felt like depression. I refused to believe that it had come back, because I thought that it was finished and done with. I thought that the war was over. But little did I know how naive I was to believe that. For people like us, this isn’t something that just goes away, not completely. It sounds disheartening, but hear me out. 

Early on in the first round of therapy I had said something along these lines to my therapist. And she had pushed back on my statement, leading me to assume that this was one of the lies that the devil told me. In a way it is, but turns out I was actually onto something, I just didn’t know it at the time. You can probably blame that on poor articulation. Back then we hadn’t yet built a rapport with each other. She didn’t have a great understanding of who I was, where I came from, or the way I talked. What’s more, I wasn’t as forthcoming about my struggles as I am now nor was I as sure of my words. I mean no shit… that’s kinda obvious and expected. After almost three and a half years, and God knows how many sessions, of course I’m way more comfortable now. But I digress.

It’s clear to me now that she had misunderstood my intention. I wasn’t saying that I believed that the pain would never end, or that I would never get better or find healing, which I think is the way that she took it. And when she asked me to clarify, I didn’t yet know how. It really didn’t become clear to me what I had meant until a few months ago, right after the new year. It’s a daily battle for people like us. We have to say no to our demons every single day. It’s not a one & done thing. It’s not, “I beat depression and it’s over for good.” It’s not something we beat once and it never returns. Unfortunately, that’s just not how it works. In a way, this is our vice, just like an alcoholic or a porn addict has a vice. Not strictly by the dictionary definition—no one wishes that they were depressed—but it’s the same struggle. We’re plagued with the same temptation. It’s easier to give up and give in. It’s easier to let your demons win. It’s easier to lay down and roll over.

But the easy way is not usually the right way. That’s become clear to me time and time again. All good things in life require effort. Your mental health is no different. If you want to be truly happy and healthy you need to try and try and try again. Depression and anxiety and any other mental illness will rear its head up and beckon you back. It’s never going to leave you, in that way. But it’s in your power to refuse to let it take hold of you once again. It’s within your rights to deny it it’s strength. Your life is in your control. You can and should and will say no to this miasma of the mind. You have to. Life just doesn’t flow smoothly if you don’t. Each day becomes a chore if you let your depression win. That being said, saying no will not be easy. In fact, it might be the toughest challenge that you face daily. But you will face it, and you will conquer it, and you will feel better because of it.

This is as much a reminder for you as it is for me. I’m just now finding my way back, having lost sight of this since September. Like I said, I had let down my guard, and had some difficulty recovering. Of course there were some traps—which in hindsight were rather obvious—that I had failed to avoid, and there were some misconceptions and false expectations. But still, theoretically I should’ve been well-equipped to handle this. Alas, it is what it is. This is what happened and I can’t change that, but I can be better prepared for the future. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in therapy is how to set boundaries. Admittedly, this is something I did not know how to do at all beforehand. I was always a rather shy and passive kid. Someone who didn’t give, “no” for an answer. I just could not deal with the discomfort of denying someone. As a result, I allowed people to take advantage of me, making me feel like a human doormat at times. Not a great feeling. 

This is something that I tried to change in college, but it didn’t work out so well. At the end of the day, I was still attending college for reasons other than self-interest (I don’t mean this in a pejorative way). As with most other things, I was doing things for someone else’s benefit, rather than my own. But that didn’t become clear to me until I was already in my late twenties—something that I’ve addressed before. Not to say that therapy created me per se, but I do not view myself as a real life adult human before this. I was a lonely, depressed kid playing dress up. Someone that didn’t know what he wanted to do in life, but was willing to go along with whatever was suggested. When someone told me my new haircut made me look like someone who owned a motorcycle I decided that I wanted to ride a motorcycle. When someone told me I looked like a skater, I decided to buy a skateboard. When I was told that my career was supposed to look like such and such, I took them at their word. Never wondered if it was what I truly wanted. 

Which inevitably led me to many years of angst, filled with feelings of dissatisfaction. I tried my best to ignore them for the longest time. After all, ignoring things was one of my go-to “solutions.” But you can only ignore a problem this immense for so long. Eventually I started to question my worth and wonder what the meaning of life was. Was I meant to work at the same dead end job for thirty plus years? What was my ceiling? Where did I belong in life? All of this caused me to spiral into my self-doubt. An existential crisis if ever there was one. Little did I know that thus began the cycle. My existential crisis would lead to therapy which would lead to healing which would lead to restored confidence which would lead to raised expectations which would lead back to disappointment and doubt. And it would rinse and repeat over and over and over.

How many times will I make the same mistakes until I learn the lessons I’m supposed to learn? How many times will I fall for the same traps? I know better than this. This was the whole reason why I had set up boundaries in the first place—so that the line wouldn’t be crossed unless I allowed it to be. The unfortunate truth is that not everyone cares about you in the way that you need them to. It doesn’t matter if they’re family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers or strangers. Everyone has a different view on life, so any advice or feedback is already tainted with someone else’s opinion. It’s up to you to discern whether or not what someone says to you is pertinent to your life. Some people might see your vision, many others will not. Loved ones might think they’re giving you what you need, but again you need to decide that on your own. 

Your confidence and motivation comes from within. You have to set and reset expectations. Keep pushing towards your goals. Keep your eye on the prize so to speak. You can’t let others dictate to you the timeline—the biggest mistake that I was making. You can’t let others tell you you’re going too fast or too slow. Speed is not what matters, quality is. If you’re putting in the time and the effort to constantly improve and progress, things will come together for you eventually. It’s a question of when not if. Unfortunately, the question of when cannot be answered. You need to have faith that it will happen, and have confidence that you’re capable of this. You hope for success but you do not expect it. Stay humble enough to transition to Plan B if necessary. Things might not work out exactly how you envision, but it doesn’t mean you give up. You just keep pushing and striving for better. Put your head down and tune out the noise. There will be naysayers and haters. They might even be closer to you than you imagined. But all of that only serves as a distraction. Confidence can be lost, but it can also be gained. You just need to find your focus and maintain it.

Changing, Depression, Growth, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Writing

Happiness is Optional

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I might have thought I was done with therapy, but therapy wasn’t done with me evidently. As much as I discovered the first time around, and as much confidence as I gained the second time, there is still much more to uncover in what I consider to be the third go around. As you know, I started seeing my therapist again in September of 2022. And while I didn’t stop seeing her entirely, we had begun to taper off this past autumn and winter. But just as we reached what was meant to be the penultimate session, we began to discuss some things that I had ignored. They just hadn’t been relevant to the conversation up til that point.

What we discussed last year was centered around my writing career. I was doing well mentally and emotionally, but had stalled out in my writing so was looking for direction and guidance. I needed to find a way to get back on track. Needed to rediscover my motivation after suffering through a bit of burnout. Turns out what I needed was like-minded peers to bounce ideas off of and also an outlet where I could both give and receive feedback. In essence I needed to find a community that both helped me to figure out how I measured up, and also helped me to improve. Once I was able to find that, I was able to continue on my path of growth and my writing took off from there. 

I thought this would make me happy, satisfy me, fulfill me. And it did for a time. But I’ve started to feel an emptiness creep in again as of late. I wish it was a feeling that I could ignore, but I’ve already ignored it for long enough. I’ve tried to push it off to the back of my mind, but I’m afraid its run its course. Time to address it for what it is—it’s a wedge that’s driven itself between me and my writing. It’s something that holds me back from investing as much emotionally into it as I possibly can. Even though the true start of my writing career came when I quit my day job, it’s come back around to that point again. It’s something I didn’t want to do, and I hate to admit it, but I find that I have to. In order for me to move onto the next step in my journey, I have to return to the workforce, at least in part. As much as I hated being a member of it, and as much as I hate working for someone else, it’s time to jump back in. 

I’ll be honest, improvement in a craft is exciting and all, but lack of steady income is something that weighed heavily on my mind, as much as I tried to avoid thinking about it. While I’m less motivated by money than most, I still understand that it is a necessary evil. I need it to survive. I was able to make my savings last, along with some assistance, but it’s time for me to get back on the horse. I have no other choice. My time off while unemployed was fun while it lasted, but like anyone else my age, I need to find ways to make money. But let me be clear. It would be a disservice to my time and effort to say that, “I wasn’t working,” because I was. I still had a job to do, but it just so happened to be unpaid. I was and still am working harder than ever, so don’t get it twisted.

That being said, this doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on my writing career or even putting it off to the side. My novel (and the series to follow) is still my primary focus, and this here blog is still secondary. That much won’t change, but the time I allocate to each will. The truth is I’ve reached the point in my journey where my skill has progressed to where it needs to be. I no longer need to spend nine+ hours a day, five days a week developing my craft. I think it’s safe to say that while I’m still learning, growing, and improving, my craft is now developed. It’s just a matter of continuing to hone it, and getting words to paper. I can afford to give up some of that time to pick up a day job. 

But that’s the problem… While I have confidence in my writing ability and my skill set, I do not have confidence in the job search. That’s partially why I ended up staying at the same place for so long (along with a bit of bad luck/poor timing). It wasn’t just fear of the unknown, or the fact that I was risk averse. Yes, those played a role. But I think what it mostly came down to is that I didn’t know what I was doing, and I feel like I still don’t in some ways. Until I graduated from college, I didn’t have what I would consider a “real job.” It’d never been expected of me and no one had ever sat me down and told me point blank, “you need to get a job.” Although that would’ve been nice, no one is obligated to do that for me or for anyone else. Ideally you should be able to motivate yourself on your own without needing a push from somebody else. But by the time I turned sixteen I was already so caught up in my depression and was so lacking in self-confidence that I wasn’t able to find any ambition from within, and that continued on into (and past) college.

While I wasn’t born with a silver spoon, I was spoiled in certain ways, and was likely afforded better opportunities than most. Whether or not I took advantage of them is a different matter entirely. I didn’t have things handed to me per se, but they were there for the taking if only I would put in even an ounce of effort. But that’s where I was lacking the most. It was easy for me to give up and mope, because I was convinced that I wasn’t going to amount to anything. For the longest time I never had to face adversity head-on. I was often offered the easy way out and I would take it every time. I was able to run, hide, and/or ignore things that I didn’t want to address. Which I’ve mentioned before came back to bite me. And it turns out in more ways than one. We’ve already discussed the psychological damage it did to me in detail on multiple occasions, so I won’t touch upon that here. 

Unfortunately, other lasting effects of my evasion techniques have only just started to come to light in my more recent therapy sessions. As I said before, last year I spent nearly the entirety of the sessions discussing various ways of getting my writing career back on track. We spoke a little about the relationships in my life and my personal struggles, but not in that much depth. Our sessions were maybe a little too one-track minded but it was necessary at the time. My passion for writing turned out to be my saving grace. It helped to bring me out of my depression for good (or so I thought). Finding it was what helped me to feel happy and fulfilled for maybe the first time in over a decade. And for that I’m eternally grateful. This is what I want to do, and I’m going to see it through as far as it goes. But I have to admit, I lose sight of my vision at times, and I forget what I’m doing this for. I’ve had to take a step back from my projects for days or weeks at a time in order for me to refocus and revitalize. 

The unfortunate truth is that while I am seeing meaningful progress and improvement on my manuscript, the longer it takes the easier it is to get discouraged. I know that the hard work will pay off in the end. I’m confident in that, but the question is when. And I think that’s what worries me. A man can only work with no pay for so long. I started asking myself if this was really worth it. Deep down I know the answer to that. It’s always only ever been, “yes.” But it gets easy to conflate, “not getting paid in general,” with, “writing is not worth my time.” The mind starts to make a correlation between the two that shouldn’t exist. Which brings us back to the issue at hand. It’s time for me to find a day job, but what and how and where?

These are questions that I’ve already spent some time pondering, but I feel like I haven’t really gotten any closer to finding the answers. I just don’t know what I want to do or what I’m even qualified for. If only finding a job was as easy as they make it seem in video games. Where you can just talk to someone, then start working. But alas… that isn’t how it works. There’s a process that I need to go through, as does everybody else in the world. Eventually I’ll gather up the courage to start applying and waiting, but before I do that I need some sort of gameplan right? 

And that’s what’s left me sitting here with the wheels spinning. Problem is: what I went to school for isn’t the same as what I wanted to study, which isn’t the same as what I did in my previous two jobs, which isn’t the same as what I’ve been doing in my time out of the workforce, which isn’t the same as what I want to do when I rejoin. Confused? So am I! I’ve reached what I think is a midlife crisis. I feel lost and unsure of what to do. And sadly, I can’t reflect on previous experiences to guide me forward. The fact of the matter is I don’t actually have prior life experience that I can look at in regards to this—my work history is just too sparse for that. It’s a shame, because I’ve relied on reflection to help me through my mental illnesses recently.

I was able to think back on the past and point out mistakes I had made in regards to my mental health. I was able to use memories of past trauma to navigate my way around the field and avoid traps and pitfalls that I had fallen into before. Everything that had happened in my life I was able to use to guide me to a better, healthier future. When it comes down to it, that is the most important thing—my happiness and my healthiness. But that can’t be everything. Maybe my parents were right after all. Even though they never told me outright to pursue a career in something that was prestigious and financially stable, it was always heavily implied. Do something that makes us proud, and makes you money. Happiness is optional. 

If only it were that simple… I’ve done the thing that people “expected” of me, but I wasn’t happy or satisfied. I’ve done the thing that made me happy and fulfilled, but it hasn’t made me money as of yet. It almost feels like whichever thing I chose, I lose. So what comes next? I know I’ll eventually figure it out, but I don’t yet know, and it freaks me out.