Tag Archives: Mental Health

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Mind Over Matter

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I try not to spend too much time on social media. I don’t do Tik Tok. I’m not going to get a Threads. I stopped using Twitter almost ten years ago. I still use Facebook and Instagram more than I should, but I’m beginning to get tired of it. Call me old if you want to, but I feel like at some point in the past five years the bad started to outweigh the good, and it never let up. But that doesn’t mean that nothing good comes from it. Lessons can be learned, and it still has some benefits.

Sure, social media is a whole lotta bullshit, but there are still nuggets of wisdom hidden amongst the trash. Several weeks ago I came across one such nugget. It’s something I’ve thought about off and on since. I came across an “inspo” post that said, “some people weren’t put here to evolve. They are here to remind you what it looks like if you don’t.” I dunno about you, but that resonates deeply with me. We’ve all come across that one person who never seems to change, hell sometimes we were that person. For the majority of us, something seems to click eventually. Unfortunately, for some others it never does. 

What it comes down to at the end of the day is the type of mindset that you have, although that’s putting it rather simply. “Just be happy,” some might say. I know this statement is triggering for some. It’s still triggering for me, and I feel guilty for saying it. As a teenager struggling with depression and anxiety it was probably one of the last things that I wanted to hear. Along with “it’ll all be okay,” or “think positive,” or “things will get better,” or “it could be worse.” We know now that these are inappropriate things to say to someone who is struggling with their mental health. But it’s not something we knew back then.

God, that makes me sound old… It doesn’t seem like that long ago that I started high school, but 2006 was nearly twenty years ago, and a lot can change in that amount of time. A lot can change in five years. A lot has changed in five years. I remember a time before smartphones and streaming services. A time before high speed internet and social media. I’ll stop before I date myself too much. I just turned thirty-two in early August, but I’ve felt like I was thirty-seven for the last three years. Maybe that’s what happens when you mature and evolve, and transcend to a higher mental plane. I’ve never really felt like I was wise beyond my years, but who knows? Maybe I am. That’s not for me to determine though—other people can decide that. Outside perception of me doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme. People will think what they wanna think. 

The only things I focus on are my growth and my development. Am I trying to become a better person? Am I trying to perfect my craft? Am I trying to strengthen existing relationships? Am I even trying in the first place? Everything else falls to the wayside for me. If I’m not constantly working to be better, then everything kinda loses meaning. I’ve said time and time again that onwards and upwards is the only direction for me. I have to keep learning and keep improving in order to get the most from life. In the past I had a tendency to get comfortable which led to complacency which then led to frustration. I learned the hard way that if I’m not constantly moving then it’s easy for me to fall into a rut. And that’s the last thing I want—feeling helpless and stuck.

Complacency is a thing that hinders our growth. It’s something that stops us from doing everything we can to pursue our dreams. It gives us an excuse to settle. It pauses the progression on our journey. And while it’s possible to hit unpause and start back up, it’s a lot harder to do things that way—stopping and starting. It’s much more efficient if you either maintain your momentum or keep building on it. In the past, I’ve likened my writing journey to the gears on a car. It’s an easy analogy to make. If I’m writing every day like I’m supposed to be doing then it’s easier for me to get up to third or fourth gear. When I stop, it feels like I’m starting over. The same thing applies to your evolution as a human being. 

It’s easier to make changes in your life if you’re constantly working. You can’t form a habit without determination. And once you form a habit it becomes ingrained in you—as long as you put in the effort, you know you will continue to progress. Even when the going gets tough you keep pressing on, because you have to. If you don’t push yourself, who will? Your parents won’t always be there to hold your hand. You can’t always take the easy way out. Those are just the facts of life. You will face adversity at some point. The only way you learn is if you address it head on. If you try to run or hide, it will catch up to you eventually. You might not see the repercussions immediately, but every decision, action or inaction has its consequences.

This was another thing that I learned the hard way, and unfortunately I think that’s kinda how it goes. Almost everyone has a point in their life when they think they know everything. It can be due to many different things such as stubbornness, self-righteousness or ignorance about how the world works. For some it’s just a phase, for others it’s part of who they are. For me, a lot of my decision making was centered around my need to find out for myself. I had to see/do things in order to believe it. You could warn me however many times not to touch the hot iron or stove. But I still wanted to touch it to find out how much it would hurt. 

Sue me, I was a curious kid. But I was also stubborn. More stubborn than I had any right to be. I’ve always been a creature of habit, and as I’ve grown older that much still hasn’t changed. As with anything else it has its positives and its negatives. Being a creature of habit means that I’m low-maintenance and easy going (for the most part). I’m perfectly fine with the routine, doing the same ole shit. But it also means that I have a tendency to be stuck in my ways which could and did lead me to close-mindedness and wariness in trying new things. Even if my methods weren’t working, I still kept trying them over and over and over again. Which, they say is the definition of insanity—trying the same thing but expecting different results. The solution for this seems rather simple: try doing things a different way, and keep an open mind. But it’s easy to revert to type.

As I’ve said before, life is just a series of trial and error. No one truly knows how things will play out. Good advice for one person might not work out for someone else. Your hard work may go overlooked in the moment, but you may be rewarded later. Or you might have great success early on but struggle to maintain it. Life is random and nuanced. You may think you know how things will go, but it can be unpredictable at times. You can’t account for how others will react or the luck of the draw. There are some things that aren’t within your control and they never will be. 

An aphorism that a lot of athletes like to say is, “you can only control what you can control.” Meaning that their best effort is the only thing that matters. The only thing they care about is improving as players. But it pertains to all things. I don’t know when or if I will ever accomplish my dream of becoming a traditionally published author—that’s not up to me. I just need to put in the time and let the chips fall where they may. I can’t force consumers to read or like my work. I can’t force an agent or a publisher to sign me to a contract. I can’t force critics to write positive reviews. All of this is unknown to me, and for a long time the unknown was what I feared, which proved to be the thing that held me back the most. I didn’t put in the effort because I was scared of what might happen if things didn’t work out. But how would I know if I never even tried? I had grown too comfortable and too complacent with my bland life. 

It was easier for me to keep doing things the same way, because even if the results were mediocre, at least I knew what to expect. That was fine for a time, but it grew old after a while. My life had become cyclical, rotating between dark times and okay times, never touching upon great times. I thought my life was destined to keep repeating, never finding happiness no matter how hard I tried. Like I said last time, I started to wonder if there was more to life, and I began to question what I was meant to do. It took some time to figure that out and it required outside help to do so. In order for me to see the light I had to get to my lowest point. Obviously, those were drastic measures, but I hadn’t yet developed the tools I needed to come to these conclusions myself.

That was partly circumstance, but I can’t blame all of it on that. Some of my issues were my fault, resulting from the decisions I had made in my life. Whether or not I was aware that my past behavior was damaging for my future doesn’t matter, I still have to own it. In the end, everything was still done of my own free will. If I had been less stubborn and more willing to heed outside advice I believe things would’ve played out differently. I probably could’ve developed faster, but it’s pointless to speculate too much, because the past is the past. What matters though is that I evolved, not when I evolved or how fast I evolved. When my mindset shifted was when things started to really click for me. Until my mind was opened during therapy it had always seemed like the more things changed the more they stayed the same. I had been prioritizing the wrong things, focusing on the end result without looking at or solidifying the process.

You can’t skip steps in life—not if you want sustained success. It just doesn’t work that way. If you don’t do your part then you’re just relying on luck and randomness, which by definition aren’t reliable. You can’t just let life play out around you, you’ll never get to where you want to go. You need to take life by the horns and control the controllables. Focus on your effort. Focus on your drive to be better at your craft. Focus on being a better human being. The only things you can change in life are found within you.

In order to evolve you need to adapt to the world around you. Be more open to new ideas. Be more willing to ask for help. Be more focused on your development and your growth. Be more grateful and less entitled. Give to others and help those around you, don’t just take take take. If you try to be better you will be better in time. But you have to put in the time and the effort. You have to prioritize the right things. You have to focus on getting incrementally better day by day. Big leaps are great, but momentum is better. Be patient and perfect your process. One day it’ll all be yours but only if you continue to evolve. Be ever changing—not never changing—so that you don’t get stagnant. Evolution is what separates the greats.

Art, Changing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, people, Poetry, Writing

Out of Your Mouth

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Get my name out of your mouth
I’ve done nothing to you
I’ve led my own existence off to the side
I’ve kept my distance from you
Out of the spotlight, hidden in the shadows
Minding my own business, doing my thing

I’ve been grinding away, working hard
Head down, focused
Had my sights set on my goals
I’ve had nothing more in mind
But my eye on the prize
Nothing will get in my way, nothing will distract me from this

Although you may try
There’s nothing between you and I
No relation, you mean nothing to me
Barely a blip on my mind
Get my name out of your mouth
I’ve done nothing to you

I’ve put my head down and focused on me
It’s best if you focus on you
Do better, be more than you are
A perpetual loser, someone who isn’t winning in life
I don’t know what I’ve done to make you so green
I don’t know what I’ve done to invoke envy

I’ve put my head down and focused on me
It’s best if you focus on you
Nothing I did was with you in mind
Nothing I did was to spite you
There’s nothing between you and I
Whatever disdain you feel was fabricated by you

I’m not around, so I’m easy to blame
A scapegoat for all your troubles
An easy target for you
Someone who can’t defend himself
You’re the source of untruth
I’m a bad guy, a public enemy

It’s easier for you to believe that
Than to do something real
Easier to blame me than to accept responsibility
To admit fault, to hold yourself accountable
Easier to blame me than to say sorry
Easier to blame me than to try to change and improve

There’s nothing between you and I
Get my name out of your mouth
I’ve done nothing to you
I’ve put my head down and focused on me
It’s best if you focus on you
I can’t wait for the day when we are through

Changing, Discovery, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Music, Reflections, religion, Wellness

Quitting Time

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A legacy is a beautiful thing. You put all your time, effort, and money into an endeavor and now you have something to show for it. You’ve left something behind that you and your loved ones can be proud of. You’ve left behind a story to inspire, encourage, and push others to greater heights. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be remembered for decades or centuries after you leave this earth? Your body may cease to exist, but your spirit will live on. How crazy is that? 

What? You thought I was done talking about this? I’m only just getting started. You must know by now that I speak what’s on my mind, and this is something that I’ve continued to think about, even after taking a week-long vacation. Not that long ago, I didn’t feel like I had all that much that I would leave behind. I didn’t think I had much to give or anything to offer. And I don’t think I was wrong. I felt like I was useless and a waste of space, because I kinda was. What exactly did I contribute to the world around me? 

Let’s take a look. As I’ve discussed before, one of the things I struggled with as a youth was getting out of my own way. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Self-sabotage? I knew all about that! I didn’t engage in overtly destructive behavior, but I did suffer through emotional and mental self-harm, which proved equally as damaging. I was held back by fear, anxiety, and depression, but pinning my issues solely on those three things absolved me of responsibility. Shifting the blame towards my mental illnesses and away from myself let me off the hook. I had zero accountability back then, and that was just the way I wanted it. It was easier then to pretend like I was being railroaded. That I didn’t have any say in my life trajectory. That I didn’t have any control over how the story played out.

I wanted things easy, thinking that blessings would come without hard work. I believed that fate and divine intervention would determine the way that my life went. I didn’t need to work hard because as long as I followed God, good things would happen. I expected to see blessings in life that I hadn’t worked for. I looked forward to living a fruitful and abundant life without having to do anything at all. I thought I could coast, and things would come together. Turns out that’s not how life works at all. You have to toil endlessly for the things that you want. You aren’t just going to be handed everything on a silver platter (unless you’re rich and/or spoiled). And opportunities aren’t just going to fling themselves at your doorstep. 

If you want to be blessed, you have to do your part. You can’t expect to reap a bountiful harvest if you haven’t sown the seed. You can’t get by on talent and luck alone. Effort is needed. As simple as that seems logically, it’s not something I grasped when I was younger. Unfortunately, I was quite misguided back then, which severely hindered my ability to grow as a human being. Part of this was my fault—I was slow to make changes in my life due to my stubbornness, amongst other things. Part of it was because I was plagued by delusional thoughts, prime example being my belief that the Rapture was imminent. And part of it was because I had misinterpreted some things that I had learned at church. 

The foremost being the concept of predestination. Throughout my teenage years I was taught that God is omniscient and omnipotent. I don’t dispute either of those things. As such, if I believe that He is omniscient, then logically I must also believe that my life is predestined for me. I don’t deny that either, but I’m not here to argue about the veracity of that concept. Whether or not there’s any truth to it doesn’t actually matter. You still need to do your part regardless. You still have a role to play. You still need to make the most of your God-given talents. Your effort still factors into the equation. You’ve been given the tools, but you need to make it happen.

It’s no wonder then that I didn’t find satisfaction in life, or even know what I was looking for. How could I if I wasn’t giving maximum effort? I half-assed everything, hoping that things would fall into place. I adopted a nonchalant attitude where if things went wrong it was no skin off my back—I hadn’t wasted my effort because I didn’t put any in. I didn’t disappoint myself because my expectations were low. I didn’t fear failure because I didn’t believe I would succeed. But that is precisely the wrong mentality to have. You can only coast for so long. Doing the same ole thing, living the same ordinary life gets tiresome after a while. You start asking yourself, “is this it? Is there more to life than this?” 

For a long time I thought the answer to the second question was a resounding no. I had settled on mediocrity, thinking that I wasn’t deserving of anything better. I had resigned myself to the “fact” that I was meant to live this dead end life and work at the same dead end job. I had convinced myself that good enough was all I was capable of—even if I wanted to be happy I didn’t think it was something that I had earned. I was determined to live out the script that life had dictated for me, thinking that it was out of my control…

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Life isn’t a script. I wasn’t being railroaded. I wasn’t dealt a bad hand. I just wasn’t doing my part, simple as that. I wasn’t making the most of my opportunities. I wasn’t taking advantage of my natural gifts. I wasn’t reaping blessings in life because I hadn’t put the work in. Instead of positioning myself for success, I was essentially sitting back and praying for a miracle. And while miracles do happen on occasion, is it not better to put in the effort to work for the life you desire? 

There are no handouts in life. There is no free lunch. Things are rarely ever going to come easy. The best things in life require blood, sweat, and tears. In order to live the life you think you deserve, you need to put in the time and the effort. You can’t expect things to come together on their own. That is never going to happen, so you’ll be left waiting for years or decades—valuable time that’s going to be wasted. I wasted enough of that in my youth, and I refuse to keep doing so. 

When the going gets tough you don’t quit, you put your head down and you work harder. In times of adversity you don’t run and hide, you deal with it head-on. You don’t pay too much attention to the hate & the criticism or the love & the support (easier said than done). Both prove to be a distraction. The former makes you second guess your worth and saps away at your confidence. The latter puts you at risk of inflating your ego, and thus gives you an excuse to ignore that which needs fixing. Keep a level head so that you have a more realistic and rational outlook. But more importantly, be confident in your ability. You know your worth and only you can dictate it.

Making these changes is a sign of your growth and maturity. But it takes labor & toil. Sweat & tears. You need to be intentional about becoming better at what you do incrementally. You aren’t going to become a superstar overnight. You need to put the work in to get the life that you want. You only get what you give. In order to get to the top, you must do everything in your power to show the world the best version of yourself every day. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone else, but you have to prove to yourself that you are more than capable. A necessary step in that journey is holding yourself accountable.

There is no meaningful growth without accountability. Be willing to make mistakes. Be willing to admit when you’re wrong. Be willing to accept that you have flaws and might not have all the answers. Be willing to learn and be willing to grow. Willing to evolve and to try new things. But most importantly, remind yourself everyday that sometimes you will need to keep your head down and your eyes focused in order to put in the work that is needed. 

A couple months ago I had the opportunity to see Dead & Co live on their farewell tour. I have a feeling that we haven’t seen the last of Bob Weir or Mickey Hart yet, but man, what a legacy they’ve already left behind. A rich culture and a fervent following. The Grateful Dead have not existed or made music in nearly thirty years, but they’re still as iconic as ever. I can’t think of too many bands that have a more passionate fanbase. Deadheads old and new come together, united by the music. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been following them for almost sixty years or barely two. 

In fact, just the other week, I ran into a Deadhead while I was on vacation. I was camping upstate and happened to be wearing a Dead & Co shirt. One morning, after I brushed my teeth, I bumped into an old man as I was exiting the bathroom. I had seen him before around the campground, and he had that look. Ya know, the long hair, bushy white beard, the hippie vibe. I wondered if he was a Deadhead, and lo & behold we had a conversation once he got a good look at my shirt. Didn’t matter that I was a thirty-something-year-old Asian-American kid or that he was a seventy-something Southern gentleman. We were united by the music. 

Early next year, in January, my girlfriend and I will see Aerosmith on their Peace Out tour. Another iconic band that’s been around for more than fifty years. They’ve been going strong this whole time and are still selling out stadiums. Their songs are featured everywhere, from car commercials to sporting events to Hollywood blockbuster soundtracks. These two bands aren’t the only classic rock bands that are calling it quits this year and next. They’re just one of many—KISS and the Eagles to name a few. It’s bittersweet knowing that it’s quitting time for these music stalwarts. But their longevity in the game speaks to what they’ve left behind as part of their legacy. 

I’ve been to many a concert and music festival, but so far nearly nothing compares to the double set that Dead & Co played on June 22nd. This was my first experience with “old guy music,” but it certainly won’t be my last. Selfishly, I’m a little sad and disappointed that these old-timers are calling it quits considering I only just got into classic rock a few years ago. But I’m also happy and excited for them that they get to clock out on top. Their songs have been featured for fifty plus years, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were featured for fifty more. It might be time for them to retire, but that doesn’t mean that the music dies. Their legacy lives on through the airwaves. And we will remember the good times, body and soul.

So I ask again, what kind of legacy do I want to leave behind? Do I want to be remembered as one of the greatest, or do I want to be forgotten as quickly as the dew on a morning lawn? Thinking about it now may seem premature, but it matters. If I want to be remembered and not forgotten, then I have to do my part. The good things in life require your blood, sweat, and tears. Work hard and the good will follow. Be better in everything you do. The newest version of yourself should be the best version of yourself. If you keep putting in the time and the effort, eventually you’ll be rewarded. If you do your part, you’ll live the life you deserve. But you don’t deserve a thing if you haven’t done the work.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Hope, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Peace, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Without Action

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When all is said and done what will my legacy look like? As you probably know by now, this is something that I spend a lot of time thinking about. I know, I know, I’m putting the cart before the horse. Thinking about what the results will look like before I’ve put in the requisite time and effort. I can’t help it, but one can dream right? In a way, this keeps me motivated and pushing forward. It works for me, but it may not necessarily work for you.

It didn’t always work for me either. I’ve always been a dreamer, even if I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, at times. Dreaming was done, but what came of it wasn’t always productive. I spent more time fantasizing about crushes and becoming famous than I spent thinking about career aspirations and what kind of person I could become. I dreamt of nonsense not of impact. I spent more time in my subconscious than I did in the waking world. It was safer that way, easier. Nothing to goad my anxiety into overdrive. No embarrassment that I would have to suffer through. I did plenty of dreaming in my teenage years, but it wasn’t healthy for me. 

I didn’t go out and live my life. I didn’t put enough effort into my schoolwork or in finding connections and developing relationships with other people. All of my interactions were surface level or non-existent. I spent more time talking to people in my dreams than I spent talking to them in real life. I was partially held back by fear, and I was partially held back by having unrealistic expectations of what a friendship was supposed to look like. I’ve always been an introvert, but early on I was also painfully shy—I don’t know if I ever fully grew out of that—that being said, friendships had always been hard to come by. The effort that it took to try to maintain the status quo was already draining enough, I didn’t have the energy to invest in new friendships or to deepen the ones that I had. To say that my shyness stunted my growth would be an understatement. But we all have to work through adverse circumstances. 

We’ve all been raised by nature, nurture, pure dumb luck, and perseverance. Your parents raise you using certain values, but there comes a time when you start thinking for yourself, and you either continue to agree with them or you start diverging from them. Thinking for yourself is the final stage in your transition from childhood to adulthood. At some point we have to grow up, whether we want to or not. With growing up comes the understanding that sometimes shit happens. But sometimes you can do shit about your circumstances. Either way though, you have to make something of your life. You can’t just exist for the sake of existing. Your life should have meaning, purpose, and passion. Without those, you are living without actually living.

I’ve done more than my fair share of that. Of course that’s something that I regret, but the past is not something that can be changed. Oftentimes people say to, “live life without regrets.” That’s a statement that I agree with somewhat, but I don’t adhere to fully. How can you move forward without regret? So, for me it comes with a caveat. I don’t regret the things that I’ve done or the decisions I’ve made because there were lessons to be learned from them. But I do regret some of the things that I’ve said that have hurt people or ruined relationships. I do regret the times when I should’ve spoken up but didn’t. And I do regret the time that I’ve wasted. Our time is precious and we only have so much of it, so it’s best to use it wisely.

You might be able to spend five years at a job that you hate, if you’re still learning or growing or making good money. We all can come up with reasons for staying, but it usually comes at a cost. Every week or month or year is a good time to think deeply about what your job is costing you. Weigh the pros and the cons. Check in on yourself regularly—it’s easy to forget to do so. Sometimes we’re so busy looking out for our family or friends or significant others that we forget to look out for ourselves. That’s something I’ve been getting better at the past few years, but I’m still learning how to do it. Looking out for myself is not something that came natural to me. I attribute that to my Asian-American heritage, the morals I learned from church, and what I learned from school (amongst other things). The way I was raised stressed politeness, humility, helpfulness/generosity. None of which are bad traits to have, in a vacuum. 

But sometimes what’s unsaid or hidden in subtext is equally as important. That’s become clear to me as I become a better writer. Unfortunately, what was unsaid here was vital information that I missed. I was told time and time again to help others, to not be selfish, to focus outwardly rather than inwardly. Which is all well and good, but I was in no position to do so. I couldn’t impact others or contribute meaningfully to society with the war that was going on inside of my mind and my soul. Some people are ready-made from the moment they were born to be a positive influence on the world around them. Many others will need time to develop. Some may not ever develop. 

For a while, I was part of the latter group. On the one hand, I did not develop or learn, grow or improve. I was stubborn and stuck in my ways. Trying to approach things the same way, and expecting different results. But on the other, I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know what doing things in my best interest even looked like. I thought maybe it was making my parents proud, or meeting my friend’s expectations, or pursuing a career path that was prestigious. Later on it was being a company man and a team player. But none of that was fulfilling, none of that satisfied me. Because I wasn’t living for me, I was living for them. It sounds bad when you put it that way, but it wasn’t weird to me at the time. It was all I had known really. It took me years of therapy to break me out of that mentality. 

Doing things for yourself does not make you selfish. Nor does looking out for your future. Nor taking the time to get your shit together. Sometimes we need to take a step back and focus on ourselves before we can help others. And helping others should not come at the detriment to your own health. It’s hard to help others when you haven’t helped yourself. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way. I neglected my self-interest and ambition for more than two and a half decades. It took me more than a year and a half of therapy for me to even figure out what I wanted. Even though I had grown up, I still didn’t know what I wanted to be, because I hadn’t thought about it in so long. I didn’t think that I was allowed to be what I wanted to be. I had been conditioned to want to be what others wanted me to be.

I know now that it never satisfies. If you’re living for others and not for yourself, you’re essentially telling yourself that you are second place in your own life. Your desires and dreams take a backseat to the desires and dreams of your parents, your peers, your employer, or what have you. Trust me, that’s not very fun. Life is meant to be enjoyed. You’re supposed to work hard, but you’re also supposed to have time to rest and relax. You’re supposed to be kind and helpful to others, but you’re also supposed to be kind and helpful to yourself. Put yourself in position to have a positive impact on those around you by putting yourself in position to succeed. 

Everyone has their own strengths, weaknesses, passions, and interests. Do what you can to make the best use of the skillset you’ve been given. Dream big and never give up. But when you dream, make sure that there is a path to meaningful action that follows. Think of what steps you need to take to get to where you want to go. Without action, your dreams bear no fruit. Without action, your dreams are just hot air. Without action, your dreams are meaningless. 

I know that full well. I have nothing to show for all the dreaming I did in high school. I didn’t get the girl. I didn’t become famous. I didn’t even come any closer to figuring out what I was put on this earth to do. All that dreaming left me with my wheels spinning, wondering what’s next? While I was playing out fantasies in my head, others were out living their lives, pursuing their passions, finding happiness. They were honing their crafts, learning what they needed to learn, mapping out their career paths. I didn’t envy them, I still don’t. But I do wonder what if that had been me? What if I hadn’t wasted all that time?

But as I said earlier, I can’t change the past. I can however, move forward. I can live in the present, and work hard to set up my future. I can think about what kind of legacy I want to leave. I can think about how I want to make an impact. I can think about how I want to be remembered. I can keep on dreaming. I can think about all these things, but I must do everything in my power to make my dreams a reality. If I want to leave a legacy I have to do something worthy of it. That’s what keeps me moving. That’s what I remind myself every time that I’m having a tough day. The process may be hard now, but the end result will be beautiful. It will take time and effort upfront, but it will pay off later. It may seem premature to think about my legacy now, but I have to. I can’t get to where I want to go if I don’t know where I’m going.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Does It Even Matter?

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“Does it even matter?” That’s a question I find myself asking every so often. Is what I’m doing meaningful? Am I even making a difference? As I’ve said before, I was quite naive when I quit my day job last year. I had quit without fully understanding what I was getting myself into. I think it’s safe to say that things have not exactly played out according to my expectations. Over time, my expectations have changed and I’d like to believe that they’ve become more realistic and more attainable. But the shadow of doubt still manages to peek in at times.

I wish someone had told me that this is all a part of the process. Just as there are good times and bad times in life, there are good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks in your writing. I learned that maybe half a year ago, but that doesn’t mean that the tough times aren’t still tough. There are days and weeks when I don’t feel productive. When I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, or that I can’t write. There are weeks when I feel uninspired. Weeks when I feel like my work is useless and pointless. Some days I don’t feel like reining myself back in; I don’t feel like taking the time to recenter and refocus. Eventually though, I find my way back. Usually it takes a day or two away from my work in order to find my motivation again. At the end of the day, I write for me. Does my writing make me feel fulfilled and happy? Is what I’m writing important to me? If yes, then it serves it’s primary purpose.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t still seek affirmation. It’s a part of human nature and not that easy to completely disregard. Everyone wants to know that they’re on the right track. Wants to be recognized and appreciated for the work that they do. Especially so in artistry, when the framework for “success” isn’t as well-defined. You know what you have to do in order to get to where you want to be, but it’s not that easy for others to understand what that entails. We’re not given an expectation for the amount of cold calls we have to make in a day, or the number of sales. We’re not given parameters for the experiment we’re about to conduct. We set our own goals and milestones. Unfortunately, that is a bit of a double-edged sword. We know what we’re looking for, but oftentimes that doesn’t translate externally.

This has become a source of tension for me at times when I’m lacking focus and motivation. In moments when you’re not producing, it becomes easy to buy into the doubt. When the results don’t meet your expectations it’s easy for your belief in yourself to waver. Something that I have to remind myself often is that I’m on my way there. My toil was never going to pay off right away, that was not the plan nor the expectation. It was going to take time, I knew that full well. But I lose sight of that sometimes. Sue me, I’m only human.

When I first started this blog, I was using it as a way of practicing writing. I wasn’t new to blogging—I had been doing it off and on for a while—but this was my first real foray into what I had considered actual writing. To me, everything that I had done beforehand didn’t count. Using Xanga as a kid wasn’t so much blogging as it was maintaining a basic webpage. Blogspot was just something that I checked out because I was curious, but didn’t spend much time on. Tumblr was an online display of the things that I liked. But WordPress? That to me was the only thing that was legit. In reality though, I was selling myself short. Everything that I did led me to this point. That being said, it still took me a long time to gain steam.

For the first two and a half years, I can count on one hand the amount of posts that I wrote—none of which I’m particularly proud of. In truth, I had forgotten that this page even existed… on more than one occasion. The writing only happened when I felt inspired or when an interesting premise came to mind. It came and went in spurts. I wasn’t practicing writing, I was binge writing. Not exactly a helpful method of learning how to write. It’s hard to improve in an area if you’re working on it infrequently. Every time I stopped writing I went back to zero; I had to start over. Each time I did this I missed out on an opportunity to pick up momentum. And really, momentum is one of the most crucial components when you’re trying to pick yourself up off the ground, especially if you’re, “working for yourself.”

It’s no different for a more standard career path. The way you move up the corporate ladder is to learn more, take on more responsibilities, broaden your skill set at every stop. You pick up momentum by gaining more experience. As you gain more experience, you open yourself up to better opportunities, and you work your way up. What that boils down to is building your brand. You might not own a company, or run a website, or sell a product, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a brand. You might work for “the man” but you also work for yourself. The landscape has changed significantly since our parents were younger. There’s not as much company loyalty as there used to be. So, we have to learn to grow and adapt, and that starts with learning how to market ourselves in meaningful ways.

Last month, this blog reached its ninth year of existence (shocker I know!), but only the last three and a half years have borne any fruit. I know there are several things I could’ve done with this, but I let opportunities go to waste. The unfortunate truth is that I neither felt confident in my writing nor my ability to market myself. So I didn’t really do either. My writing was done in silence and my blog existed in its own obscure part of the internet, neither living nor dying, just being. And that was fine for what it was for a time. But the time for that has run out. I can no longer hang back and let life play out around me. I can’t linger in the background hoping that I don’t get noticed. A change in life circumstances has dictated that. After all, this is what I had hoped for. This was what I had been aiming towards. If I don’t reach out for it now, when will I? I’m not one for making excuses—not anymore.

As I started to really grow as a writer after the new year, it became evident to me that I can’t just rely on one thing to get me to where I want to go. If I want to earn a living as a writer I need to have multiple outlets. I need to build a following. This much isn’t new to me—I’ve known this for a long time. But what was I doing about it? Not much for a while. The work I did in obscurity, however, was great for me. Like everyone always says, “I’m my own biggest critic,” and I stand by that statement. No one judges my writing harder than I do, and I’m never satisfied with where I’m at as a writer. There are always areas that could use improvement, and my strengths can always be made even stronger. Like I’ve said, I’m constantly tinkering and tweaking.

Progress and improvement never stop. Once you lose sight of that you open up the opportunity for stagnation. I know how slippery that slope is. So, I keep working, I keep trying to improve. And the best way to do that at first was to do everything quietly. Learning how to write without the fear of judgment. Without the added pressure of trying to appeal to others or garner traffic. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had confidence in my ability but it was a bit misplaced. My confidence level far outweighed my skill level. In truth, I was still learning how to be confident in everything I do—I had only developed real self-confidence a few years earlier. And that only came after therapy healed me of my brokenness. 

I was exploring how to write without knowing how. The God-given seed of talent had always been there but had never been given room to grow. I was too worried about how other people would perceive me (and my work) to spend any time actually writing. But once I did, I started learning and growing and improving. Practicing on my own, however, had its limits. I was only able to self-critique and self-edit myself so much. I needed input from others, whether that came directly or indirectly. There was only so much I could learn on my own. My naivety blinded me to that fact. So, by the time summer 2022 came and went I had passed through both a peak and a valley. I had reached the end of the line. I had gotten all that there was to take from it. I needed a good support system to take me higher.

That’s really what I’m all about. Reaching higher. Doing better. Working on my craft. Those are the things that matter the most. Those are the things that I can do something about. And thus, those are the things I should focus on. I need to get better, it doesn’t matter how I do it, doesn’t matter who or what I learn from. It needs to happen somehow, some way. I’m not too proud to ask for help or to try something new. The resources available to me are innumerable. I owe it to myself to explore my options. What can I do differently? What can I do better? As an adult, those are the questions I spend time worrying about. Not worrying about things that I can’t change. Or other people’s opinions of me. Or their perceptions. This was not something that I understood well when I was younger. Wondering about these things only led to inaction. Inaction, to me is worse than failure. It’s better to try and fail than to not try at all. It’s better to know for certain whether or not something is going to happen for you, than it is to sit and wonder. 

Sitting and wondering, however, is always easier to do. You can backtrack from the decisions you make in your daydreams. You can break promises. You can start over, and try again. You can make mistakes without facing any repercussions. You let your imagination run wild and let the story take you, but none of this is rooted in reality. Your fantasy is a place where you can run free and forget about life. There are no troubles, no worries, no stress. No consequences. Seems harmless right? But there is still an opportunity cost. The time you spent dreaming about your future could’ve been better spent working towards it.

The best things in life take time and effort. Which, like all things, are finite resources. But if you’re passionate about something, you will find the time for it. Sacrifices will need to be made—that’s just the way that life goes. If you work hard, and constantly improve, success will come to you. Your hard work will pay off in the end, but you need to stay focused on the task at hand. Your primary focus should be inward: what can I do to perfect my craft; what can I do to be a better person; what can I do to make a difference? You control what you can control, which is to say: what you do, what you say, how you act. You can’t force someone to be grateful. You can’t force someone to like you or to support your work. You can’t force a response from someone. Trying to do so is controlling and manipulative. 

Why worry about outside opinion? Do something that makes you happy. Pursue something that fulfills you. Make something that you’re proud of. Turn your attention to being the best you can be and the accolades will come. If you are great at what you do, sooner rather than later people will recognize your talent. This is as much a reminder for me as it is for you. It’s easy to lose focus when gratification doesn’t come quick—we’ve been conditioned to think that way. It’s easy to wonder if what you’re doing is meaningful, especially when traffic is slow or new followers are infrequent. But none of that matters if you aren’t working diligently at becoming the best that you can be. None of that matters if you’re not striving for greatness. None of that matters if you’re no longer passionate about what you do.

The goalposts will shift if your focus isn’t right. If your focus isn’t on continual growth you’re in for a lifetime of disappointment. If you’re not getting better every day the industry will pass you by, the competition will catch up with you. But that isn’t to say compare yourself to others. Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Compare who you are today with who you were yesterday. If you see growth, if you see improvement that’s all that matters. The recognition will come in time, you just have to do your part. Focus not on fame, fortune, or popularity. Focus not on gaining traffic or glowing reviews. Focus not on going viral or becoming internet famous. Focus instead of honing your craft. Put your head down and keep grinding. Believe in yourself first, and others will soon see. What you do is important if it matters to you. Others might not see it now, but they will see it in time.