Tag Archives: Mindfulness

Brokenness, Changing, Depression, Discovery, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Nature, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness, Writing

Finally Feeling Appreciative

Leave a comment

All these years I’ve never really had an appreciation for nature. Birds annoyed me. Scenery was boring. I hated raking the leaves and shoveling the snow. But most of all, I just didn’t really like being outside. There was too much pollen, too much dirt, not enough things to do. Weak excuses, I know! I just wasn’t the most active kid. I would ride my bike around the neighborhood in the summer. And I would snowboard or tube in the backyard (or hit the slopes, of course) in the winter. As a family, we would go on the occasional hike or camping trip. But aside from that, I spent most of my free time indoors—I preferred to be in my room. 

Growing up, my mom used to take us to the library all the time. I can’t say what drew me in exactly, but naturally, I gravitated towards fantasy and sci-fi—that interest has only strengthened over time. That being said, fantasy being what it is, I spent many a day immersed in wild landscapes. Reading about forests and oceans. Over the hill and through the woods. You know, heroes embarking on adventures and all that. Which should lend itself to love and appreciation for nature, right? Wrong! I liked nature in theory, but not in practice. I wandered the deserts and the plains on the page, but couldn’t be bothered to do it in person.

Fast forward to high school. Some things changed, but many others didn’t. I remember reading (and writing) quite a lot of poetry all four years. It was my first love, even if I didn’t want to admit it for a long time. There’s one unit that’s still particularly vivid in my mind. It was the winter of sophomore or junior year, the entire term was spent reading poetry. We started with the Brooding Romantics, then we moved onto Transcendentalism, and we ended with a third movement that I can’t seem to remember the name of (Realism maybe?). As you would expect, many a poem touched upon flora and fauna, scenery and wildlife. Sure, each one was super descriptive, sounded great, and was beautifully crafted, but I never truly understood it. I could picture the scene in my mind, but I could’t see the appeal in it, or appreciate the beauty. Nature just didn’t seem to resonate with me. I tried again and again to see things from their perspective but I just couldn’t do it.

The fact of the matter is I just didn’t have much appreciation for life in general. I wasn’t one to count my blessings or see things with rose-colored lenses or consider the glass to be half-full. I was more likely to mope or feel sorry for myself or focus on what I lacked. My vision was clouded by my hurt. I had too much bitterness and resentment in my heart to allow for love to come in. And without love, there is no appreciation. I know that full well now. Without love, everything dies. Without love, there is no joy or happiness or peace. Without love, there is only pain and hardship and bitterness. Everything needs love, everything starts with love.

I understand that finding a romantic partner is particularly difficult for some. But that’s not actually what I’m trying to get at here. When I say that, “everything starts with love,” I mean that everything starts with self-love. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done. I dunno what it is about our culture, but we’ve conditioned ourselves to be our biggest critics. We’re prone to self-deprecation and devaluing our worth. I suspect that oftentimes started out as a defense mechanism to protect us from bullying. “If I’m laughing at myself, then it means that they have no power over me.” But where do we draw the line? When does the self-deprecation go too far? When does it start to damage our ego and effect our self-confidence? I wish I knew the answers to these questions when I was younger. Perhaps my teenage years wouldn’t have been as rough. 

But as I’ve said before, we’re not able to change the past. Our trauma and our scars are a part of us, just as our passions and our interests are also. The good and the bad make us who we are. We can’t have strength without weakness. Positive without negative. Healing without hurting. That being said, my depression and my anxiety are a part of me. It’s a part of my history, but it’s also a part of my story. Even though I’ve found my healing, these are things I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. Depression isn’t a thing that’s over and done with, it’s something I have to fight every single day of every goddamn year. Despite what it seems, acknowledging that doesn’t mean that you’re giving it power. But rather, that you accept and love yourself as you are: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Your mental illness(es) are part of your story, but they don’t define you.

For a long time, that wasn’t something that I believed. Instead, I let the voices win. I bought into the lies that they told me. You’re worthless. You’re useless. You won’t amount to much. It seemed that my depression and anxiety would get in my way at every turn. And so they did until I finally ended up in therapy. Life was quite dark for me, trapped beneath a cloud of despair. I’ve vowed to never return to that melancholic state, but it’s a daily struggle for me (and for people like me). That’s just how it goes.

I’ll have good months and bad months, good weeks and bad weeks, good days and bad days. Some days are easier than others, some days I can be strong in my resolve. Others are tougher. But regardless, I will still fight. Battles will be hard fought, but the war will never be won. But that doesn’t mean that I give in. I just need to keep picking myself back up, dusting off my shoulders, and continuing forwards. Instead of cowering like I used to, I stare down my mental illness and say, “not today, motherfucker. I am in control of this life, not you.” Just because I’ve been dealt that card doesn’t mean that I’m going to let it hold me back. Not anymore. The going has been tough, and will continue to be, but I’ll be better for it in the end. I only come out of this stronger. Better. Wiser.

So, as I grow older, the acceptance and love for myself also grows. And with that comes appreciation. Appreciation for the things around me. Everything that I’ve been blessed with. The good and the bad. My strengths and my weaknesses. The lessons that I’ve learned. The trauma from my past. The brightness of my future. But most importantly, I’ve finally started to understand the thing that never made sense to me before. I’m finally able to appreciate the beauty of nature. The birds chirping in the morning. The scent of flowers in bloom. A trek through the forest. A walk along the beach. The stunning vistas from the mountaintops. Life can be abundant, and full of joy. It can be happy and fulfilling. It can also be busy and stressful. So don’t forget to take a moment to smell the roses. 

Growth, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Feeling My Age

Leave a comment

“Act your age.” I’m sure everyone has heard that reprimand more than a few times in life. But what exactly does it mean? Is it even a reasonable thing to say? I’ll admit, this isn’t something I ever really challenged before. In truth, I didn’t challenge much when I was younger. Sure, I asked questions and let my curiosity lead me. But when an authority figure said something, I took what they said at face value. What were we supposed to do? We didn’t know any better, and we were always told to listen to and obey our elders. If what they told us was wrong, was it still in our best interest to do what we were told? The older I get, the more I wonder how many of the things they told us were misguided or flat out incorrect.

What can I say? Therapy has changed me. It’s made me more self-aware, and with that came learning how to self-reflect. I’m not able to look at things the same way anymore, no matter how hard I try. My perspective has changed, and I’m not the same person that I used to be. There was no point in fighting it, because it was inevitable. The more that I learned, the less ignorant I became. There was no possible way to reverse course. Once the door to wisdom and knowledge opened, there was no going backwards. It just wasn’t and isn’t possible. That being said, every memory or past experience can be and will be examined in a different light.

There’s nothing that tells me that I have to self-reflect on my own time. Theoretically, I could leave it solely to be done at therapy. However, it’s something that can’t be helped. I think a lot—that’s how I’ve always been. But just because I did a lot of it, didn’t necessarily mean that it was beneficial for me to do so. I had a tendency to overthink, dwell on the past, and fall into a cycle of loathing and self-pity, all of which is toxic energy. What I did was mull over things that couldn’t be changed. Instead of using my past to inform my future, I was reimagining the past by thinking of things I could’ve done differently. A wholly unhelpful exercise. It was thinking without action to follow, which is meaningless and wastes time. You can think over all the different changes you want to make in life, but until you take that first step towards actually doing something about it, your situation is going to remain the same. In order to live the life that you want to live, you have to take charge. 

Windows of opportunity can and will open up, but you need to pursue them and seek them out. It’s not often that things will just be handed to you. That’s not how life works. You’d have to be extremely lucky (or spoiled) for things to just fall into your lap. In order to be blessed you have to work towards those blessings. The life that you want is there for the taking, but you have to put in the work. It sounds rather obvious and intuitive. Why wouldn’t you work hard for the things that you want? But knowing it and living it are two different things. For twenty odd years I knew it, but I didn’t live it. It was something I knew on a surface level, but it wasn’t what drove me forwards in life. It didn’t resonate with me.

Not until I started working towards something. Not until I found my purpose and calling. Not until I found something that I’m good at and am passionate about. Not until I matured and grew up. I’ll be honest, I was a late bloomer—no shame in that. Each individual develops at their own pace, and as such, certain milestones are reached faster or slower, at different ages or stages of life. All of this is normal. Our variability is what makes us human. If we were all homogenous we’d be no different than robots, destined to follow the program that’s written for us. But that’s not who or what we are. We’re meant for great things, but it requires a certain level of work ethic, dedication, and perseverance—mental fortitude in short. 

Mental fortitude is something that’s developed over time, not something that’s taught or learned. Without it it’s easy to give up. It’s easy to back down when met with adversity. It’s easy to start believing the lies that we are told—the ones that tell us we’re not good enough, that we won’t amount to anything, that what we do isn’t meaningful. No one ever told me any of this outright, so where did these lies stem from? Yes, my depression and anxiety were both big factors in this. But I’m not the only one with this story. I’m not the only one who lacked self-confidence and had a warped sense of self-worth. I’m not the only one who struggled with the transition from childhood to puberty. I’m not the only one who had a hard time growing up.  

“Act your age.” A phrase that was seemingly innocuous for the longest time. I never thought anything of it. But I’ve recently come to the realization that a lot of what we were told when we were younger was actually quite damaging to our psyches, even if we didn’t know it at the time. What would such a statement do to an eight-year-old who’s misbehaving? What would it do for a pre-pubescent or a teenager who’s already having enough trouble finding themselves as is? Not a helpful phrase by any means, because, again, what exactly does it mean? If all individuals progress at different rates, then such a statement is inherently faulty. We’re left chasing a constantly moving target, looking to meet expectations that we’ll never live up to. 

It took me more than two and a half decades to finally break free of this. To finally stop living for other people, and start living for myself. I had let expectations and projections put a cap on my ceiling. Let what others said of me limit my potential. But no one knows me better than I know myself. I needed to do what was best for me. Starting with pursuing a career that was actually fulfilling, and seeking out the hobbies that I enjoyed. No longer worrying about how others perceived me, no longer feeling the need to suppress my true self. I realized that no one can tell me how I should live my life. Because when it comes down to it, not all advice is good advice, nor is all of it applicable to me. I take what works for me, and leave the rest.

So with that comes a time when I finally feel my age. For the longest time, I refused to grow up, refused to mature. Was just a kid stuck in an adult’s body. Acting, thinking, speaking the same way for all those years. I was stubborn and stuck in my ways. Knew that things weren’t working, but refused to try things a different way. I think part of it was fear—fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of the unknown. Part of it was being comfortable enough with where I was. And part of it was my anxiety telling me that I didn’t deserve any of it. Perhaps it was true that I didn’t deserve any flowers at the time. But it didn’t mean that I would never earn them. I just needed to try.

I just needed to find my purpose. Find my place in the world. And put in the effort to get to where I wanted to go. But most importantly, I needed to grow up and mature. None of which would’ve been possible if I hadn’t been forced out of my comfort zone. Nothing makes you turn into an adult quicker than being thrown out there into the real world. There comes a time in everyone’s life, when you find yourself at a crossroads. You can either keep acting the same way that you’ve always acted, or you can change, improve, and mature. You can either keep acting like a kid, or you can become an adult. At some point or another, you have to make the conscientious decision to grow up.

Discovery, Greatness, Growth, Media, Mental Health, Mindfulness

Where Do You Wanna Go?

Leave a comment

As I’ve shared before, I struggle to stay focused at times. It’s easy to get distracted by the outside noise. It’s easy for me to lose sight of the steps I need to take to get to where I want to go. What can I say? I like to get a holistic view of things. I’m always asking questions trying to connect the pieces. But sometimes I get carried away looking at the big picture, and the task becomes too monumental. That’s when I have to take a step back, and remind myself that I have goals in mind—short-term, mid-term, and long-term—and I need to take it one day, one step, at a time. Tune out the static and keep on working. If I stop, I’ll never reach my milestones.

I wish I’d had this type of ambition and drive when I was younger. But I lacked a purpose, and without one my wheels were spinning. I regret wasting so much time, but there’s nothing for it now. The best I can do is make up for lost time. It won’t be easy, and I know that. I just need to be patient, keep my head down and continue to plug away. The hard work hasn’t paid off yet but it doesn’t mean that it won’t at some point in the future. That’s something I have to remind myself of daily. We can’t lose sight of where we’re trying to go. Don’t settle for anything less. Along the way you may come across haters or people who are jealous of you. Don’t let them distract you. The time that you spend worrying about criticism, positive or negative, would be better used on perfecting your craft. Like most things it’s easier said than done. 

Tuning out the noise is a skill that takes effort and deliberate action to develop—in the social media age especially. It’s not something that comes easily or naturally for most of us. In fact, in certain aspects it could be considered countercultural. Social media conditions us to believe in and seek instant gratification. We post something and we’re supposed to get feedback in short order. The more likes the better. The better the engagement the more successful you are. And it’s easy for us to believe that. Likes and views generally lead to follows. That’s a formula that works for Instagram and Tik Tok, I don’t dispute that at all. 

But we have to remember that while social media can be a tool, it can also be a detriment. It’s not always the golden goose it’s made out to be. Social media can be extremely taxing, mentally and emotionally. It’s easy to get caught up in it, and let it dictate our mood. It’s easy to let a poorly received post discourage us. It’s easy to take trolling personally. Once you let that happen, the app is in control of you, you’re not in control of the app. Be careful about how much time and energy you invest into it. Don’t let yourself get so sucked in that it starts to consume you. You are still an individual separate from your Internet persona. You’re still working towards something. Don’t forget that.

What you see on social media isn’t always the truth. You might see a happy couple in front of the camera, that’s always fighting behind it. You might see an upbeat, energetic individual on the screen, that’s depressed and looking for meaning off of it. You don’t know what people are dealing with on their own time. You only see what people want you to see. It might be who they are genuinely, but not necessarily. It’s best to keep that in mind as you navigate the social media landscape—especially if you’re looking to be a content creator or an influencer (neither of which were a thing when I was growing up). We don’t often get a look behind the scenes. We don’t see how much work needs to be done in the background before someone makes it big. We only see the content that’s published, not the blood, sweat, and tears that come before.

It will take hard work for you to get to where you want to go. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either downplaying it or lying. Anything worth doing will be difficult. That’s because it’s the best way for us to learn and grow. We only become wiser if we challenge ourselves. If you’re looking for easy, you’ll be stuck in neutral, destined for mediocrity. Life isn’t easy—that’s the honest truth. Coming to that realization is a part of growing up. The sooner you come to grips with that, the sooner you can embark on your journey. There comes a point in time when you find yourself at a crossroads: either you continue backing down from adversity or you face it head on.

The choice is yours. Will you choose to challenge yourself? Will you choose to persevere? Will you choose greatness? In order to get to where you want to go, you need to keep pushing yourself to higher heights. The only way to do that is actively working towards your goals, and meeting challenges head on. Tuning out the noise, and not letting yourself get distracted. It will be scary, and it will be tough. But you can’t reap a reward, without taking a risk. So, keep on keeping on. One day you’ll get to where you want to go.

Art, Depression, Healing, Mindfulness, Poetry, Self-Care, Self-Love

How Far I’ve Come

Leave a comment

Sometimes I forget how good I have it
How blessed I am to be doing what I love
How blessed I am to have freedom of expression
It wasn’t always this way
I didn’t always have it so good

My fears held me back
My self-doubt told me I couldn’t do it
My anxiety convinced me not to try
Ambition? I had none of it
Drive? I was on empty
Motivation? Better to stay quietly in my lane

Stick to the shadows
Hide in the background
Don’t draw attention to yourself
For it will only amplify your lack
It will only show others how weak you are
It will only confirm the fragility of your ego

I believed the lies for so long
Convinced that I wouldn’t get better
Convinced that I wouldn’t amount to much
The life that I was brought into was as good as it would get
Whatever cards I was dealt was how things would play out
Whatever limitations I had would forever remain

I wasted so much time stuck in park
Wasted so much time admitting defeat
Worn down by my circumstance without a chance to compete
Conceded the fight before the opening bell
Accepted the result without giving them hell

It took years to undo the damage that was done
It took session after session to recondition myself
To erase the brainwashing, the sheltering, the pain
To build me up and make me whole again

It had been so long since I had felt complete
There was a hole in my heart where my psyche used to be
I had lost my sense of self
Didn’t know who I was
I had let others mold me into what they thought I should be

That wasn’t who I am
Wasn’t what I’m meant to be
Wasn’t what God had intended when He had created me
I must remind myself of how far I’ve come
Remind myself that I have purpose
One that others might not understand
Remind myself of what I stand for and who I am
Remind myself that I can’t be defined by another man

Changing, Discovery, Growth, Knowledge, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

It’s Not That Simple

Leave a comment

“Are you a good person?” I’m sure everyone’s been asked that a number of times. If you asked a younger version of me, my answer would be fairly straightforward. I’d unequivocally say yes, and that would be the end of the discussion. If you asked me now, I would tell you, “it’s not that simple.” It’s not a yes or no question—it’s much more nuanced than that. The older I get, the more I realize that there aren’t really any absolutes in life. Not that many things are actually black and white. Most things require a much more discerning eye than simply sorting things into this or that. Everything requires a delicate balance, and life is akin to walking a tightrope. It’s more of a sliding scale than multiple choice. I know that now, but I didn’t always.

I grew up in a triple C home—Conservative, Christian, and Chinese. One of these things has changed entirely, one of them looks different than it did back then, and one of these things can’t be changed no matter how hard I try. I’m sure you can probably figure out which is which. Regardless, this resulted in me being raised in a way that sheltered me from the outside world. I was led to believe that all things could be looked at through a black and white lens. It was good versus evil. Either people were for you or they were against you. You were either righteous or a sinner. It was implied that there was no in between. And for the longest time I believed that. I didn’t know any better.

It wasn’t until college that I started to understand how the world really worked—which is to say that it doesn’t work the way that I thought it did, not even close. Coming out from under my parents’ protective umbrella worked wonders for opening my eyes. My whole life up til then had been oversimplified. I learned (perhaps the hard way) that there is in fact an in between! You’re generally given more than two options in life. Shades of gray exist everywhere despite what I was told. That’s what makes a lot of these hot button political issues so difficult to parse. Take illegal immigration for example, it’s nothing so simple as, “for it or against it.” There’s also a, “yes, but…” and a, “no, but…” amongst other answers. The question itself is far too complex for you to reply with a simple one. There’s more context needed. And you need to ask questions such as is legal immigration easier or harder for certain countries? Can prospective immigrants afford to acquire all the legal documents? Is legally migrating even feasible for certain individuals? Like I said, life is nuanced. But let’s not drift too far into that tangent, let me rein it back in here.

Something I pride myself on nowadays is my adaptability. Yes, I’m stubborn in certain ways, and I work better with a schedule and a plan. But I’m not rigid, not like how I used to be. My worldview and ethos change as I learn new things and gather more information. My perspective is constantly evolving, because that’s how you grow and improve. The one thing it can’t be is static, because that often leads to close-mindedness.   I’ve been through that before, and it’s not a great place to be to say the least. As I’ve said, the main goal is always to be a better person today than you were yesterday—in order to do that, you need to be flexible in thought and in action. Everything else is secondary. Yes, you want to be kind to those around you. Yes, you want to make an impact or a difference. Yes, you want to progress in your career or in your love life or what have you. But at the end of the day, none of this is possible if you haven’t worked on yourself first. If you’re not seeking to be a better version of yourself each and every day what are you doing it for? What “better” entails depends on the person and the day. I guarantee you that it won’t always be the same thing. And it won’t be easy.

But like I always say, everything is a learning experience. You take the good and the bad and you get better from it. It doesn’t matter if you succeed or if you fail, as long as you’ve learned something. You don’t want to be making the same mistakes over and over. You don’t want life to attempt to teach you the same lessons. Life is finite, so you want to make good use of your time. You learn and you grow and you move on. And your perspective continues to evolve. If you can do that then you’re on a path of continual progress, you keep moving onwards and upwards. I’d be remiss not to mention that there is no end to the journey of enlightenment—there will always be more to learn. But that’s not the point. You’re not doing it for a perfect ending. All you’re focused on is improving incrementally. It could be 1% a day or 10% a day, the number itself doesn’t matter, as long as you’re striving for better, and putting in some level of effort.

It took me quite a while to fully understand this, but everything that I’ve been through has brought me to this point. So although I regret wasting my time for so long, I don’t regret any of my past experiences. Especially not the adversity I went through, which helped shape me. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without having gone through all of that. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. Everything happened for very specific reasons. Not all of which are clear to me just yet, but will be with time. 

One thing that has become clear to me is that even though I have since distanced myself from the way my parents raised me, I still believe that they were well-intentioned in their approach. They did what they thought was right, so I can’t fault them for that. However, things didn’t really work out the way that they intended. There were many unintended byproducts of their parenting philosophy, some of which were beneficial and some of which were harmful. But you live and you learn. There was no way for them to know how things would turn out without trying it first. This ended up being more of a lesson for me than it was for them. 

The way my parents raised me has taught me certain facts of life that I want to pass on when I have kids of my own, but it has also taught me certain tactics that I want to stay far away from. They taught me how to be polite and generous. How to be respectful and compassionate. How to be smart and resourceful. But in certain ways they didn’t push me hard enough. They didn’t stress to me the importance of putting in effort or being a driven individual. They didn’t necessarily support me enough in my passions early on, which didn’t give me the confidence and mental fortitude to survive out there in the world. They didn’t provide me with the tools that I needed to set realistic expectations. And they didn’t give me the individual care that I needed. But I’m not going to lay all the blame on them for the way things turned out, because it’s not their fault. It takes nature and nurture and sheer dumb luck to mold our childhood selves into who we become when we get older. 

In this day and age it feels like we’re too often looking for cause and effect. Too often looking for people or things to blame for our luck or misfortune. But that’s just it… Luck and fortune/misfortune are dictated by fate (and/or God, depending on what you believe). Life is random, and sometimes shit just happens. Not everything needs an explanation, and not everything can be so easily summed up. Not everything has a party at fault. Sometimes both parties are at fault, sometimes neither is. And more often than not it lies somewhere in between. 

In many ways that scares us, but it shouldn’t. Life is nuanced and complicated. And answers are only simple at a quick glance. If you drill down deeper you will see that everything is quite complex. Such is life. If you’re looking for a simple or easy life you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Such a thing does not exist if you’re on the path to enlightenment. Such a thing does not exist if you’re continually seeking knowledge. Such a thing does not exist if you’re trying to move onwards and upwards. If you want to be better today than you were yesterday, then you better believe that the going will be challenging. But challenges keep you motivated. Are you up for the challenge?