Well, it’s finally happened. Today, I turned 30. Truth be told, it’s an age I used to dread. For some reason, in our society, it’s seen as a milestone age. It’s the arbitrary number that many people like to set as an endpoint to fulfilling their dreams. Those who start their own business before 30 are seen as ambitious & driven, great successes. Those who haven’t quite reached their goals by 30 are seen as aimless, the greatest failures. But this isn’t real life, not really. It’s just a misconception. A false narrative. Things happen for people at different times in life, and at different speeds. It may take someone more time to find their purpose and to get the ball rolling, but that’s ok. It generally takes time for things to gain momentum anyway. Each person’s path towards greatness is different. The winds and turns are unique. So, though your journey may take longer, it doesn’t make you any less ambitious, driven, or successful than those who reached their destinations faster. Remember that Jesus didn’t start his ministry until he turned 30. It’s not too late for you.  

At this point, age ain’t nothin but a number. You’re not 17, 20, or 24 anymore. You’re no longer waiting to vote, waiting to drink, waiting to rent a car. Thirty isn’t anything new for you. It’s just another number. A new chapter in your wonderful life. And believe me, your life is wonderful. You may not see it right now, but adversity only makes you stronger. Dark times only make the bright days brighter. You’ll make it through in the end. It’s just a small rough patch, but it isn’t forever. Things will get better. Time will heal your wounds. So, the start of the next year is something exciting and new. No longer something to be dreaded or feared, but something to be relished. An open door looking upon wonders anew. Each new year is a blessing, a sign that you’re alive.  

So, today I turned 30, but I feel good. I’m alive and healthy, and that’s more than enough. Birthdays used to suck for me, I’ve written about that before in the past. But that’s no longer the case, and it won’t ever be again. I can say with great pleasure that this will be the third birthday in a row that I will thoroughly enjoy and cherish. I will have an amazing day today. I will have an amazing year. I will have an amazing life. That’s not an empty boast. I speak it into existence. I am no longer the miserable whelp that I used to be. What a difference having my mental and emotional health makes. Things were tough, but I AM TOUGHER.  

The universe threw everything it had at you, but you’re still here. I’m still here. What a time to be alive. We were broken people but we aren’t like that any longer. They can’t hold us down; they can’t hold us back. I’m a year older, but a year wiser, and a year healthier. Your mind is without a doubt your strongest weapon. As with any other tool you have to keep it clean and you have to keep it polished. So, what does that entail? It means you have to monitor your thoughts. You have to keep mental tabs on how you feel about different things and why. It means you have to discharge toxicity from your life; cut out negative thinking. What does all this leave you with? It leaves you with a firm sense of self. You know your worth. You know what’s beneficial for you, and you know what’s harmful. You have a better understanding of the intricacies and the nuances of life in general, and your life specifically. You’re rewarded with a top-down view of your life. But most importantly you have better self-awareness. An area that is sorely lacking in this day & age. 

It’s good to dream, it’s good to be confident, it’s good to reach for the stars. But in doing so, you have to be realistic. One of the worst things you can do to yourself is pursue something blindly with little or no awareness. You don’t want to be called delusional. You need time to think and reflect. It’s a must. Not optional. You can give your best effort and still fail; you weren’t meant to pursue everything that you want to pursue. You aren’t going to excel at everything you do. That’s just the way of life. So, you have to focus your efforts and your energy on the path that was meant for you. By 30, you should have some sense of your strengths and weaknesses. If you don’t, you need to sit down and have a conversation with yourself. There’s nothing worse than not knowing who you are or what you stand for. If you don’t even know yourself, how can you expect other people to get to know you or want to get to know you? 

I’ll admit it. This was an area that I struggled with immensely in the past. I had very little self-awareness. One could argue that I had no self-awareness. But that’s just nitpicking. I remember in my junior high and high school days I was peculiar in all the wrong ways. I was an attention seeker, a drama queen. Someone who wanted to stand out for the sake of standing out. Someone who didn’t want to be forgotten or left behind. But I wasn’t honest with myself or others. I was very much in my own world. Living a fantasy. I didn’t have a realistic outlook on where I was, where I was going, or where I wanted to be. I had a skewed sense of self-importance. In my underdeveloped mind I thought people knew who I was, knew what I was about, knew what I was doing. But how would people know things about me if I never told them? People aren’t mindreaders. That’s something someone probably should’ve told me when I was growing up. Cause I lived a life trapped in my delusions. The adolescent mind is a strange place. Easily influenced and easily led astray. 

But likewise, easily confused. And let me tell you, boy was I a confused individual. I wanted to be noticed, but at the same time, I felt uncomfortable when people went out of their way to do things for me. I liked being spoiled, but I also wanted to fade into the background. That being said, having a late summer birthday was a blessing and a curse (probably more so a curse). Having a June birthday, your mom would probably send you to school with a bunch of cupcakes on one of your last days, and you would have a nice birthday celebration to close out the school year. Having an early August birthday, you weren’t given that luxury. You were forgotten about. You couldn’t really celebrate at the end of the year, because there was still some time before your day. But on the other hand, you couldn’t celebrate at the beginning of the year because 1) your time had already passed, and 2) you still had to traverse the awkwardness that comes with starting a new school year. As a result, I never had a birthday party growing up. And that wasn’t for lack of asking on my mom’s part. I was young, but I already had anxiety thinking about who to invite, and who would show up. I was an overthinker at a young age. So, I declined to have birthday parties. 

As I got older, this desire changed. I wanted recognition on my special day, but how would I go about it? I didn’t really know, so I never vocalized it. There was thus a disconnect between what was in my mind and what was out there in the universe. People didn’t know when my birthday was so how could they celebrate it? I never told anybody so how would they know? But I still remember vividly the first summer that I worked at camp, I had the same birthday as another individual. I woke up and went to the dining hall for breakfast like any other day, and what I saw distressed me for reasons I didn’t know at the time. There was a banner and balloons telling the whole world that it was this individual’s birthday, but barely anybody had acknowledged mine. I had mentioned the date in passing to a few people, but in my mind, I thought I had made it clear and obvious. That was evidently not the case. This incident fouled my mood for the rest of the summer. This was my first encounter with the birthday blues. I remember later that week, we had our staff dinner, celebrating the hard work we had put in for the summer. I spent that night crying in the cabin, feeling unloved. When asked what was wrong, I really had no answer. 

This was depression. This was anxiety. I knew I had the former, and I knew nothing about the latter. But I didn’t know how to cope with either of them or how to handle the added pressure. And I wouldn’t learn more for quite some time. This was my first bout with depression. My transition from a good upbringing to a tortured existence. The battle was within my mind, I really didn’t understand that. So, my perception was that I was misunderstood. People didn’t know who I was. Now, I wasn’t wrong. But my focus was aimed at the wrong things. Due to lack of self-awareness, I didn’t realize that there were quite a number of things I could/should change, and that there were many areas of weakness that needed improvement. I was angry at the world because they didn’t get me. But I was too blind to see that I didn’t get myself. My hardships were always someone else’s fault. I didn’t want to take accountability for the shittiness that I felt. Because that would make me culpable. 

It’s a hard thing to accept. Especially when your mind isn’t fully developed yet. I know they say adulthood starts when you turn 18, but I really don’t believe that. Our society expects 15- and 16-year-olds to be this close to having their shit figured out, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Towards the end of my college career, I thought I had it figured out. I thought I knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go with my life. But this was another false notion. What I wanted was not in fact what I wanted. It was actually what I thought society wanted from me and what I thought my parents expected. That’s not the way to live. You’ll find out sooner or later that sometimes this doesn’t satisfy. Hopefully. What you need is purpose, passion. If you don’t love what you do, you’re not going to be happy. 

Sometimes a job is just a job. It makes ends meet. And it’s fine for a time. But don’t you want more from life? Don’t you deserve more? Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get out and make something of it. There are things to do, places to go, people to meet, art to appreciate. If you know you’ve reached a dead end, the best thing to do is to double back and try a different route. You have options. You aren’t stuck. It just takes a little bit of thinking to reason out your next step. Your next step doesn’t have to be a leap. It can be a baby step, it can be an inch. A next step is an indication that you’re searching for something better. For something more. This can be career-wise, a personal or financial goal, a new passion or hobby. It doesn’t matter. If you love something and you’re good at it, find a way to maximize your potential. 

I’ve touched upon all of this before, but important things need positive reinforcement. Keep repeating positive things to yourself until you believe them. Soon it becomes a lifestyle, it becomes your first instinct. It becomes your mantra. In changing your thought process you made yourself 1% better. And that’s what we should strive for: 1% better each day. That is how you heal, that is how you release the grip that trauma has had on your life. That is how you make it through to the next year. You want to constantly be looking for ways to better yourself. Where you’re at is not good enough. You’re on a path towards greatness. So each new day, week, year you should be seeking to show the world a better version of yourself. Year 29 was good, but year 30 will be even better.

It took me a while to get here, but I made it! I’m still here. I went through some shit in my life, but I did it. Every year from age 5 to age 22, they ask you what you want to be when you grow up. I thought I knew, but I really didn’t. Things changed, circumstances changed, my mind changed. Even after college I thought I knew what my path was, but I didn’t. I hadn’t found my truth, I hadn’t found my purpose. I didn’t discover it for real until 28. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t satisfied. I had no purpose and I had no motivation. I was stuck in a rut for a long time. My birthday blues came and went, came and went. And depression built month by month. I had good days and I had bad days. Ups and downs. But until I addressed the root of the issue, things didn’t change. Until I tackled the two decades plus of pent-up emotion there was no release for my discontentment. Until I got my mind right nothing else went right. What a difference having my mental and emotional health makes. What a difference it makes, finally being healthy. Ooh I feel good. I feel great. Thirty is just another number. A new chapter waiting to be filled with new adventures. Depression was tough, but I AM TOUGHER. Bring on the new year.