Tag Archives: Reflections

Changing, Discovery, Growth, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

The Man in the Mirror

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I just returned from a well-needed and well-deserved vacation. The second one I’ve taken in the last four months. I’m rested, relaxed, and refocused. So that’s it, take two. Here we go. Let’s try this again. No distractions. No lack of focus. No being thrown off my game this time. As I’ve mentioned several times recently, getting back on track hasn’t been easy as of late. We’ve gone over the self-doubt, and perceived lack of support and understanding, and the differing expectations, so we don’t really need to rehash that here. I need to do better and try harder to get on schedule, that’s really what it comes down to. No excuses. And no, “I’ll try.” I just need to do it and that’s it. 

I have to admit that this is still kinda new to me: transitioning to vacation mode and back. When I was still part of the workforce I had been conditioned to believe that I needed a very good reason for missing work. So I barely took off—something I still regret. Several well-timed vacations would’ve given me a chance to physically and mentally reset. I know that now, but you live and you learn. And you can’t change the past. If I had been in a better mental state back then my life would’ve turned out very differently. Would it have been better? Would it have been worse? Would I still have learned the lessons that I needed to learn? Who knows. 

All I know is that I’m moving forward, in the midst of a transformation. I think everyone is to some extent. Everyone came out of the pandemic changed in some way. How could we not? We live in a society where most individuals don’t spend that much time isolated and alone. It has now come and gone, and we’re still trying to figure out what life looks like afterwards. Truth be told, I didn’t really know what life was supposed to look like before that either. For most of my teenage and adult years I was suffering from depression and anxiety. I had trouble finding the meaning in life, and I didn’t know what happiness looked like. All I knew was pain and suffering, and sadness. No surprise then that my outlook on life was already tainted.

As I’ve said before, therapy saved me and brought me healing. It helped me to change my mindset. Helped me to be more grateful. More productive. More satisfied with where I was and where I was going. More in tune with myself. It showed me how to love myself and to love others. It showed me the meaning of life. And it showed me my purpose. I could go on about what it’s done for me, but we would be here all day, so I’ll end with this: the most important thing that therapy taught me was how to think critically and reflect. Neither of which was something I really did much of before. Yes, I did a lot of thinking when I was younger, but I spent a lot of that time moping and/or feeling sorry for myself, which obviously isn’t helpful or productive.

That’s not what reflection is. Reflection isn’t just thinking for the sake of it. It isn’t just stewing over things in your head or circulating thoughts. Reflection calls for action. It requires dictating the next steps, finding a path forwards. It means thinking about ways to avoid making the same mistakes. It means learning from your past to better guide your future. You know what the fun thing about reflection is though? You can always learn new things from revisiting past events. Growth isn’t always linear. Past trauma can teach you different things in different phases of your life. 

Although that became clear to me during my first cycle of therapy, it’s something that I’m reminded of continually. Naturally, I’m someone who doesn’t really let things go. Try as I may I don’t really forget past events, misplace information, or overlook minor details. It’s a bit of a blessing and a curse. I’m good with names and faces. I could probably put together a family tree based off of anecdotes. I can recall details you may have told me once in passing five years ago. But I also find it hard to forgive and forget. I find it hard to move past disagreements. I find it hard not to hold grudges. No surprise then that when I was younger I used to react in destructive ways. I was prone to lashing out or acting petty. If I didn’t do either I would bottle up my emotion until it reached harmful levels. I either became a detriment to others or a detriment to myself.

Over time and through therapy I’ve learned to explore things in more productive ways—turn my negative energy into positive energy. And that starts with reflection. If I’m going to be spending all that time thinking about the past, then I better make the most of it. Instead of stewing, I should be processing. Instead of internalizing perceived slights against me I should be thinking of how I can be better. Instead of getting caught up in the failure, I should be learning from the mistake. Once I started focusing my attention on the future rather than dwelling on the past I was able to move on with my life. Able to better direct my path moving forwards. 

There’s nothing worse than the feeling you get when you keep making the same mistakes over and over. You might feel like you’re stuck, or that you have no say in the matter. You might feel like the outcome is inevitable, but it’s not! You aren’t destined to be a failure. You aren’t destined to be a loser. You aren’t destined to keep repeating the cycle. You can alter the course of your life, but you have to learn from your mistakes. If things aren’t working out you have to try something new. You have to be willing to ask for help or guidance. You have to try your best to problem solve. And you know what that starts with? Yup, you guessed it: reflection. You take what life has given you and you think things through. You reflect before you react, and then you go from there.

It’s really pretty crazy looking back at what my life looked like before I started reflecting. It was chaotic and uncontrolled. Unpredictable in some ways but obvious in others. Of course pre-reflection Justin was also pre-therapy Justin, so we do have to take that into account. I already wasn’t sound of mind, but add poor decision making to the mix, as well as stubbornness that led to repeating the same mistakes? That’s a recipe for disaster. In essence I was going through life without a game plan. Trying to figure out how to live without any direction. My decision making was almost always rash and in the moment, not thinking about how it would affect my future. Not thinking of the repercussions, of which there were many. I lived moment to moment, thinking that I would deal with things as they came. 

Sounds good in theory, but this just wasn’t something that happened. Expectation wasn’t reality. As I’ve said before, I was more likely to run and hide from adversity than to face it head on. I wanted to deal with things as they came, but I didn’t. Part of it was because I didn’t know how, but a larger part of it was that I didn’t even try. It’s one thing to think something, but being determined to do it is something else entirely. However, neither matters if action doesn’t follow. I say this time and time again, but I’ll say it again. In order to live the life that you envision, you need to do your part. You need to push and grind. You need to put in the effort.

And yes, it all starts with reflection. Things didn’t used to go my way because I didn’t have any semblance of a plan in place. I hadn’t plotted how I would get from point A to point B. I hadn’t figured out how to stop repeating mistakes. I hadn’t drilled down to the root of my issues. I hadn’t actually made any changes to my mindset or lifestyle, even though I kept telling myself that I would. I wanted or expected certain things from life but I didn’t do what needed to be done in order to get those results. I hadn’t learned my lessons. Life is funny that way. It might feel like you’re destined to repeat past mistakes or to suffer from the same issues. But you’re really not. It only feels that way because you haven’t learned from them yet. Once you learn from them, life will throw new challenges at you and you can move on.

Unfortunately, it took me twenty-eight years to finally move on. To finally try something different after years of frustration. To finally admit that what I was doing wasn’t working. To finally realize why my life felt meaningless—because what I was doing wasn’t fulfilling. To finally decide that I wanted to live a life that was worth living. To finally be a productive member of society. And it took another year and a half to come up with a gameplan. None of this would’ve been possible without reflection. And reflection only happened cause of therapy. So when I say that therapy saved my life, I mean that in more ways than one. It helped me to redirect my life trajectory. Helped me to rediscover my purpose and meaning. Helped me to redefine what I meant to the world. 

But this starts with me. And it starts with you. It starts with processing your past to guide your future. It starts with looking in the mirror and deciding who you want to be. It starts with making the steps necessary to better your quality of life. It starts with sitting down and figuring out what’s working and what isn’t. It starts with coming up with reasons to keep on going, thinking of what gets you up in the morning. The life that you’re living might not be the life that you’re meant for. The career path that you’re on might not be the thing that you’re passionate about. But you will never know unless you reflect.

Art, Changing, Family, Growth, Healing, Loss, Mindfulness, Poetry, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Better On My Own

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We used to be close
But we’ve grown apart
We used to be aligned
But now we are not
We were on convergent paths
But now I’ve changed
A part of me wishes that we were still the same
But that is never to be, never again
We are different you and I
Only meant to intersect, not to intertwine
I mourned what we lost a long time ago
I’m over it now, we can’t go back
I’m only moving forwards
Only moving onwards
I never meant to leave you behind
But that’s just the way it goes
My top priority these days is continuous growth
You had your chance to grow alongside me
You had your chance to help me through
We tried it your way
Now we’ll try it mine
Your intentions were the only thing you ever had in mind
But intention is not reality
What you thought would work didn’t
I don’t blame you though, for how would we have known?
We could’ve worked through it together
Tried something else, made up a new gameplan
But you thought you knew best
Weren’t gonna rest
Until you molded and shaped my life to fit your vision
But that was never what was intended
I had always been built different
Always meant for something else
For a long time I didn’t know what it was
But now it’s revealed itself
I won’t settle for anything less
Everything is a failure if it isn’t my best
I’ll put my all into this endeavor
Do everything in my power to live the life I deserve
Work harder for my goals than I’ve ever worked before
This is my life purpose, through hard work I deserve this
The only way I’ll live the life I want to live is with effort
I’m sure you know this
But you still found the chance to bring me down
Still felt the need to rein me back
We’re not the same as we used to be
We used to be close
But we’ve grown apart
We used to be aligned
But now we are not
We tried it your way
Now we’ll try it mine
I don’t need you anymore
You’ve outgrown your use
We had our chance to grow together
We could’ve tried to work through
But we’ve went in separate ways
And I don’t need you
I’m better on my own
Better without you
Better on my own
No longer subject to your abuse
Better on my own
I’m capable of doing this alone
I didn’t wanna leave you behind
But it’s clear that I have to
You’re the one holding me back
I’m sorry, it’s time to axe you

Brokenness, Changing, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Toxic Humanity

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I have to admit, I was probably not the most pleasant person to be around when I was younger. I’ve said before that who I am now is not entirely compatible with who I used to be. We would not have gotten along. A lot of it was because I lacked self-awareness. But I was also self-involved and self-absorbed. I was so caught up in my own issues that I didn’t pay much attention to the world around me. I regret that but it’s not something that I can change. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and do better in the future. 

Everyone’s life journey has its ups and downs. Each playing out with its own rhythm and timing. That being said, for a while I had a hard time coping with the changes that life threw at me, which has been well-documented. Puberty was not a great time for me, but what came after was even worse. Little did I know, but the coping mechanisms I had developed over the years did not actually work. As with most everything else, I learned that the hard way. What can I say? Someone who is as hardheaded as I was needs to see things go to shit firsthand before they’re willing to change their behaviors and tendencies.

But even after I realized that things weren’t working I didn’t really know what to do differently. I didn’t know how to fix everything that was broken. In truth, I wouldn’t have been able to fix it on my own—I know that now—but I pretended like things were fine and that I had the answers. It was easy for me to bottle everything up inside, and try to ignore all my negative emotions. It was easy for me to let bad behavior slide, and let myself be mistreated and manipulated. I let people walk all over me because I didn’t really know how to say no back then or how to put up boundaries or how to stand up for myself. I felt helpless, like my life was out of my control. It wasn’t a good feeling, and it wasn’t something I let go of easily.

I internalized all of the negative things that happened to me, even if I didn’t deal with the emotion head-on. I just suppressed it, and kept it with me. I held grudges and I kept receipts. Sometimes I acted out of pettiness, but mostly I suffered in silence due to my passive nature. It wasn’t actually a solution, but it felt like one. And I was content to let things play out around me. I had accepted my station in life, thinking that I wasn’t capable of changing it. I carried this mentality into adulthood, and while the consequences weren’t immediately visible, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t exist.

Another lesson I learned the hard way—ignoring your issues doesn’t make them go away. In fact, they actually get worse. Each year as my birthday came and went, I buried my pain and trauma even deeper. And the longer I ignored them, the worse my issues got. Even though I was a year older, it didn’t mean that I became a year wiser. Rather, it meant another year of bad habits and faulty coping mechanisms. It meant another year stuck in my ways. Another year of pretending. Another year of lying to myself. Another year of convincing myself that what I wanted didn’t matter. I had the worst of both worlds: I was self-absorbed, but I also didn’t prioritize my needs.

How is this possible, you wonder? Depression, anxiety, and toxic behavior. The first two we’ve covered in depth. This is a mental health blog after all, so it’d be a problem if we hadn’t! My fight against depression and anxiety has been a lifelong struggle for me—that’s old news. But even after finding healing in therapy, this is something I have to deal with every single day. It’s easy to fall back into old ways, old habits, and old mindsets if you don’t stay vigilant. I’ve conquered my demons, but it doesn’t mean that they simply go away. They stay with me forever, but the scars remind me of the decisions I have to continue to make. I need to take what I learned and apply it and reapply it constantly. If I don’t, then all that work was for naught. 

I might have hours, days, or weeks when I’m in a melancholy state. But I can’t let that snowball into something bigger. I can’t let that become permanent, not again. I won’t let myself relapse, I can’t. I refuse to give in, and let my demons win. The changes I’ve made are too valuable to let them go to waste. I’ve worked too hard to allow things to go back to the sorry state they were in. I might find myself in a funk at times, but I also must find my way back. I have to dig my way out, but I don’t want to dig myself deeper. That’s the biggest difference between who I was then and who I am now. 

Everything I did back then only did more harm than good, driving me deeper into my depression. My aforementioned coping mechanisms consisted of ignoring things, pretending that problems didn’t exist, and letting things slide. I neither fixed issues nor addressed them directly. Instead I put them off for future me to deal with. Seems fine for a time, but one day you will reach your breaking point and you will have to pay the piper. If you don’t deal with issues as they arise you will explode when the time comes. It’s better to blow off some steam a bit at a time than to try to tackle everything all at once. Of course, doing that will lead to some upfront adversity and you’ll have tough decisions/conversations to make, but it’s better for you in the long run.

Unfortunately for people like us who are suffering through various mental illnesses, this coping method isn’t always that obvious of an answer. That would make it too easy. We’re more inclined to keep our emotions pent up than we are to wear them on our sleeves. We’re afraid of confrontation. We’re afraid of disappointing or upsetting others. We’re afraid of being vulnerable. We don’t want to bring others down with our sadness. We don’t think they will understand. We don’t want to relive our pain. We don’t want to be a burden. We don’t want to feel helpless. We don’t want to seem useless. Our concerns are valid, but where do they stem from?

The answer most likely varies for each individual. For me, all of my issues could be traced back to my lack of confidence. Up until twelve or thirteen I lived a relatively happy life. I had friends at school and at church. My grades were great for a while. But then in sixth grade, I got my first C, and there were two harrowing incidents where I was accused of something that I didn’t do. The following year, I had a hands-off math teacher that didn’t explain the material well. And I was too shy to ask for help, so naturally, I struggled. These experiences, coupled with others along the way started to sap my confidence. And once that happened, it sent me in a tailspin that I wasn’t able to recover from.

It would be easy to place absolute blame on my teachers for my diminishing confidence. Educators need to have a certain amount of tact, understanding, and compassion when dealing with elementary school kids and pre-teens. It’s clear to me that a number of my teachers were lacking in those regards. But blaming them would absolve me of any responsibility or accountability, which as I stated a few posts ago is something that I’m no longer willing to do. Sure, maybe things would’ve played out differently if I’d had better teachers, but things might’ve also played out differently if I had reacted better or if I had adopted a more optimistic outlook. Everybody and everything played a part in the way that I turned out, self-included. Each factor may have differed in size or importance but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t have an effect. 

The cumulative result was that I struggled in school, in creating and maintaining friendships, and I was woefully incompetent at finding love and acceptance. I didn’t know what I was doing, although I liked to pretend that I did. It looked like pigheadedness at the time, but now that I’m older, I think that it was likely more nuanced than that. It was part of a defense mechanism that I had inadvertently constructed. Outwardly I wanted to appear capable and confident, because inwardly I had started to buy into the doubt. I started to believe that I wasn’t smart, that I was a good-for-nothing, that I wasn’t going to get very far in life. To me, my lack of success in all facets of life was proof that I was always going to be a failure.

Really though, what exactly was I expecting? I was a teenager struggling to figure out his purpose in life—no different than any other American youth at that age. Rarely does someone that young know what the fuck they wanna do. High school and college are there to help you find who you are, and to figure out your calling. You’re supposed to make your mistakes then, so that you’re better informed for the future. Everybody makes mistakes, because no one is perfect. I know people say that all the time, but for whatever reason, this is something that young me didn’t internalize. Part of that can be attributed to the perfectionist within, but again it would be disingenuous to leave it at that. 

What it came down to was having a toxic mindset. I didn’t deal with things in a healthy way. I didn’t allow myself to make mistakes or be imperfect. I wasn’t accepting of my quirks and intricacies, and I didn’t love myself for who I was. I tried not to show emotion because in my mind anger and sadness were bad, and happiness and joy were fleeting. I downplayed my strengths, and I refused to acknowledge my weaknesses. I didn’t know what I was doing but I also didn’t heed outside advice. I convinced myself that I needed to have all the answers otherwise I was worthless. I lacked ambition and drive because I had no direction. I rarely told adults what career path I wanted to follow, in part because I genuinely didn’t know. But the rare instances when I felt confident enough to share, I was shot down quickly. A less sensitive kid might’ve shrugged this off, and been like, “fuck you. I’m going to do what I want to do.”

But of course, that wasn’t me. That wasn’t how I was wired. This would’ve contradicted my passive, anti-confrontational nature. So instead of reacting, I clammed up and I stayed quiet. I built up walls and distanced myself from everyone. I pretended like it didn’t affect me, knowing full well that it bothered me immensely. My rejections and failures were the only things I ever thought about. I never thought about how I could fix things, what I could do better, or what I was good at. Each day I wallowed in self-pity, trapped in my pit of despair. I told myself things like, “you can’t do this,” or “you’re not meant for that,” or “see? I told you you’re dumb.” I know now that this mental self-flagellation only made my depression harder to deal with. I didn’t want to feel this way, but it was what I was most familiar with.

So the cycle repeated. Each time I experienced rejection I took it personally, but I didn’t say or do anything to address it. Every time someone told me I couldn’t do something or that I wasn’t capable, I believed them. Every time someone shat on my dreams, I took it as a sign that my aspirations weren’t rational or attainable. Each time something ended poorly, I took it as confirmation of the lies I told myself. Before long I stopped believing in myself. And when that happened, my dreams began to die. I stopped thinking of what I wanted to do, and I started thinking about what I thought my parents wanted me to do, or what I thought my peers expected of me. I was only just projecting onto others.

That’s besides the point though. Either way I was telling myself that I don’t matter. That my needs weren’t important. That my dreams were delusional. Over time, I began to believe it. And everything that made me me became more and more suppressed. Before I knew it I had lost sight of who I was. I was a shell of a person, just going through the motions. Living out the life that I thought I was supposed to live. There was no passion or fire, just sadness and loneliness. And all this because I had grown used to bottling everything up, and suffering in silence.

Things may have turned out differently if I’d had a less toxic mindset. If I had been more vocal. If I hadn’t let things slide. If I had known how to establish boundaries. But I also wouldn’t be who I am today without my adversity. I wouldn’t have found my strength without seeing my weakness. I wouldn’t have found my passion if I didn’t first try living out the life I thought I was supposed to live. I wouldn’t have found what I was good at without my past failures. I wouldn’t have found happiness without healing. But I wouldn’t have needed healing if I wasn’t broken.

Depression hurts and it sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. But through it I found who I am. And without my experiences, I wouldn’t be able to share the insight I have today. It is tough, but you will get through it, because you are strong and intelligent and capable. You are worthy of praise, and your life is worth living. But first you have to admit to yourself that you don’t have all the answers. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Don’t be afraid to speak up. Just don’t keep everything bottled in. It’ll be hard at first—old habits die hard—but it’ll be better for you in the end.

Changing, Discovery, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Music, Reflections, religion, Wellness

Quitting Time

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A legacy is a beautiful thing. You put all your time, effort, and money into an endeavor and now you have something to show for it. You’ve left something behind that you and your loved ones can be proud of. You’ve left behind a story to inspire, encourage, and push others to greater heights. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be remembered for decades or centuries after you leave this earth? Your body may cease to exist, but your spirit will live on. How crazy is that? 

What? You thought I was done talking about this? I’m only just getting started. You must know by now that I speak what’s on my mind, and this is something that I’ve continued to think about, even after taking a week-long vacation. Not that long ago, I didn’t feel like I had all that much that I would leave behind. I didn’t think I had much to give or anything to offer. And I don’t think I was wrong. I felt like I was useless and a waste of space, because I kinda was. What exactly did I contribute to the world around me? 

Let’s take a look. As I’ve discussed before, one of the things I struggled with as a youth was getting out of my own way. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Self-sabotage? I knew all about that! I didn’t engage in overtly destructive behavior, but I did suffer through emotional and mental self-harm, which proved equally as damaging. I was held back by fear, anxiety, and depression, but pinning my issues solely on those three things absolved me of responsibility. Shifting the blame towards my mental illnesses and away from myself let me off the hook. I had zero accountability back then, and that was just the way I wanted it. It was easier then to pretend like I was being railroaded. That I didn’t have any say in my life trajectory. That I didn’t have any control over how the story played out.

I wanted things easy, thinking that blessings would come without hard work. I believed that fate and divine intervention would determine the way that my life went. I didn’t need to work hard because as long as I followed God, good things would happen. I expected to see blessings in life that I hadn’t worked for. I looked forward to living a fruitful and abundant life without having to do anything at all. I thought I could coast, and things would come together. Turns out that’s not how life works at all. You have to toil endlessly for the things that you want. You aren’t just going to be handed everything on a silver platter (unless you’re rich and/or spoiled). And opportunities aren’t just going to fling themselves at your doorstep. 

If you want to be blessed, you have to do your part. You can’t expect to reap a bountiful harvest if you haven’t sown the seed. You can’t get by on talent and luck alone. Effort is needed. As simple as that seems logically, it’s not something I grasped when I was younger. Unfortunately, I was quite misguided back then, which severely hindered my ability to grow as a human being. Part of this was my fault—I was slow to make changes in my life due to my stubbornness, amongst other things. Part of it was because I was plagued by delusional thoughts, prime example being my belief that the Rapture was imminent. And part of it was because I had misinterpreted some things that I had learned at church. 

The foremost being the concept of predestination. Throughout my teenage years I was taught that God is omniscient and omnipotent. I don’t dispute either of those things. As such, if I believe that He is omniscient, then logically I must also believe that my life is predestined for me. I don’t deny that either, but I’m not here to argue about the veracity of that concept. Whether or not there’s any truth to it doesn’t actually matter. You still need to do your part regardless. You still have a role to play. You still need to make the most of your God-given talents. Your effort still factors into the equation. You’ve been given the tools, but you need to make it happen.

It’s no wonder then that I didn’t find satisfaction in life, or even know what I was looking for. How could I if I wasn’t giving maximum effort? I half-assed everything, hoping that things would fall into place. I adopted a nonchalant attitude where if things went wrong it was no skin off my back—I hadn’t wasted my effort because I didn’t put any in. I didn’t disappoint myself because my expectations were low. I didn’t fear failure because I didn’t believe I would succeed. But that is precisely the wrong mentality to have. You can only coast for so long. Doing the same ole thing, living the same ordinary life gets tiresome after a while. You start asking yourself, “is this it? Is there more to life than this?” 

For a long time I thought the answer to the second question was a resounding no. I had settled on mediocrity, thinking that I wasn’t deserving of anything better. I had resigned myself to the “fact” that I was meant to live this dead end life and work at the same dead end job. I had convinced myself that good enough was all I was capable of—even if I wanted to be happy I didn’t think it was something that I had earned. I was determined to live out the script that life had dictated for me, thinking that it was out of my control…

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Life isn’t a script. I wasn’t being railroaded. I wasn’t dealt a bad hand. I just wasn’t doing my part, simple as that. I wasn’t making the most of my opportunities. I wasn’t taking advantage of my natural gifts. I wasn’t reaping blessings in life because I hadn’t put the work in. Instead of positioning myself for success, I was essentially sitting back and praying for a miracle. And while miracles do happen on occasion, is it not better to put in the effort to work for the life you desire? 

There are no handouts in life. There is no free lunch. Things are rarely ever going to come easy. The best things in life require blood, sweat, and tears. In order to live the life you think you deserve, you need to put in the time and the effort. You can’t expect things to come together on their own. That is never going to happen, so you’ll be left waiting for years or decades—valuable time that’s going to be wasted. I wasted enough of that in my youth, and I refuse to keep doing so. 

When the going gets tough you don’t quit, you put your head down and you work harder. In times of adversity you don’t run and hide, you deal with it head-on. You don’t pay too much attention to the hate & the criticism or the love & the support (easier said than done). Both prove to be a distraction. The former makes you second guess your worth and saps away at your confidence. The latter puts you at risk of inflating your ego, and thus gives you an excuse to ignore that which needs fixing. Keep a level head so that you have a more realistic and rational outlook. But more importantly, be confident in your ability. You know your worth and only you can dictate it.

Making these changes is a sign of your growth and maturity. But it takes labor & toil. Sweat & tears. You need to be intentional about becoming better at what you do incrementally. You aren’t going to become a superstar overnight. You need to put the work in to get the life that you want. You only get what you give. In order to get to the top, you must do everything in your power to show the world the best version of yourself every day. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone else, but you have to prove to yourself that you are more than capable. A necessary step in that journey is holding yourself accountable.

There is no meaningful growth without accountability. Be willing to make mistakes. Be willing to admit when you’re wrong. Be willing to accept that you have flaws and might not have all the answers. Be willing to learn and be willing to grow. Willing to evolve and to try new things. But most importantly, remind yourself everyday that sometimes you will need to keep your head down and your eyes focused in order to put in the work that is needed. 

A couple months ago I had the opportunity to see Dead & Co live on their farewell tour. I have a feeling that we haven’t seen the last of Bob Weir or Mickey Hart yet, but man, what a legacy they’ve already left behind. A rich culture and a fervent following. The Grateful Dead have not existed or made music in nearly thirty years, but they’re still as iconic as ever. I can’t think of too many bands that have a more passionate fanbase. Deadheads old and new come together, united by the music. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been following them for almost sixty years or barely two. 

In fact, just the other week, I ran into a Deadhead while I was on vacation. I was camping upstate and happened to be wearing a Dead & Co shirt. One morning, after I brushed my teeth, I bumped into an old man as I was exiting the bathroom. I had seen him before around the campground, and he had that look. Ya know, the long hair, bushy white beard, the hippie vibe. I wondered if he was a Deadhead, and lo & behold we had a conversation once he got a good look at my shirt. Didn’t matter that I was a thirty-something-year-old Asian-American kid or that he was a seventy-something Southern gentleman. We were united by the music. 

Early next year, in January, my girlfriend and I will see Aerosmith on their Peace Out tour. Another iconic band that’s been around for more than fifty years. They’ve been going strong this whole time and are still selling out stadiums. Their songs are featured everywhere, from car commercials to sporting events to Hollywood blockbuster soundtracks. These two bands aren’t the only classic rock bands that are calling it quits this year and next. They’re just one of many—KISS and the Eagles to name a few. It’s bittersweet knowing that it’s quitting time for these music stalwarts. But their longevity in the game speaks to what they’ve left behind as part of their legacy. 

I’ve been to many a concert and music festival, but so far nearly nothing compares to the double set that Dead & Co played on June 22nd. This was my first experience with “old guy music,” but it certainly won’t be my last. Selfishly, I’m a little sad and disappointed that these old-timers are calling it quits considering I only just got into classic rock a few years ago. But I’m also happy and excited for them that they get to clock out on top. Their songs have been featured for fifty plus years, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were featured for fifty more. It might be time for them to retire, but that doesn’t mean that the music dies. Their legacy lives on through the airwaves. And we will remember the good times, body and soul.

So I ask again, what kind of legacy do I want to leave behind? Do I want to be remembered as one of the greatest, or do I want to be forgotten as quickly as the dew on a morning lawn? Thinking about it now may seem premature, but it matters. If I want to be remembered and not forgotten, then I have to do my part. The good things in life require your blood, sweat, and tears. Work hard and the good will follow. Be better in everything you do. The newest version of yourself should be the best version of yourself. If you keep putting in the time and the effort, eventually you’ll be rewarded. If you do your part, you’ll live the life you deserve. But you don’t deserve a thing if you haven’t done the work.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Hope, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Peace, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Without Action

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When all is said and done what will my legacy look like? As you probably know by now, this is something that I spend a lot of time thinking about. I know, I know, I’m putting the cart before the horse. Thinking about what the results will look like before I’ve put in the requisite time and effort. I can’t help it, but one can dream right? In a way, this keeps me motivated and pushing forward. It works for me, but it may not necessarily work for you.

It didn’t always work for me either. I’ve always been a dreamer, even if I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, at times. Dreaming was done, but what came of it wasn’t always productive. I spent more time fantasizing about crushes and becoming famous than I spent thinking about career aspirations and what kind of person I could become. I dreamt of nonsense not of impact. I spent more time in my subconscious than I did in the waking world. It was safer that way, easier. Nothing to goad my anxiety into overdrive. No embarrassment that I would have to suffer through. I did plenty of dreaming in my teenage years, but it wasn’t healthy for me. 

I didn’t go out and live my life. I didn’t put enough effort into my schoolwork or in finding connections and developing relationships with other people. All of my interactions were surface level or non-existent. I spent more time talking to people in my dreams than I spent talking to them in real life. I was partially held back by fear, and I was partially held back by having unrealistic expectations of what a friendship was supposed to look like. I’ve always been an introvert, but early on I was also painfully shy—I don’t know if I ever fully grew out of that—that being said, friendships had always been hard to come by. The effort that it took to try to maintain the status quo was already draining enough, I didn’t have the energy to invest in new friendships or to deepen the ones that I had. To say that my shyness stunted my growth would be an understatement. But we all have to work through adverse circumstances. 

We’ve all been raised by nature, nurture, pure dumb luck, and perseverance. Your parents raise you using certain values, but there comes a time when you start thinking for yourself, and you either continue to agree with them or you start diverging from them. Thinking for yourself is the final stage in your transition from childhood to adulthood. At some point we have to grow up, whether we want to or not. With growing up comes the understanding that sometimes shit happens. But sometimes you can do shit about your circumstances. Either way though, you have to make something of your life. You can’t just exist for the sake of existing. Your life should have meaning, purpose, and passion. Without those, you are living without actually living.

I’ve done more than my fair share of that. Of course that’s something that I regret, but the past is not something that can be changed. Oftentimes people say to, “live life without regrets.” That’s a statement that I agree with somewhat, but I don’t adhere to fully. How can you move forward without regret? So, for me it comes with a caveat. I don’t regret the things that I’ve done or the decisions I’ve made because there were lessons to be learned from them. But I do regret some of the things that I’ve said that have hurt people or ruined relationships. I do regret the times when I should’ve spoken up but didn’t. And I do regret the time that I’ve wasted. Our time is precious and we only have so much of it, so it’s best to use it wisely.

You might be able to spend five years at a job that you hate, if you’re still learning or growing or making good money. We all can come up with reasons for staying, but it usually comes at a cost. Every week or month or year is a good time to think deeply about what your job is costing you. Weigh the pros and the cons. Check in on yourself regularly—it’s easy to forget to do so. Sometimes we’re so busy looking out for our family or friends or significant others that we forget to look out for ourselves. That’s something I’ve been getting better at the past few years, but I’m still learning how to do it. Looking out for myself is not something that came natural to me. I attribute that to my Asian-American heritage, the morals I learned from church, and what I learned from school (amongst other things). The way I was raised stressed politeness, humility, helpfulness/generosity. None of which are bad traits to have, in a vacuum. 

But sometimes what’s unsaid or hidden in subtext is equally as important. That’s become clear to me as I become a better writer. Unfortunately, what was unsaid here was vital information that I missed. I was told time and time again to help others, to not be selfish, to focus outwardly rather than inwardly. Which is all well and good, but I was in no position to do so. I couldn’t impact others or contribute meaningfully to society with the war that was going on inside of my mind and my soul. Some people are ready-made from the moment they were born to be a positive influence on the world around them. Many others will need time to develop. Some may not ever develop. 

For a while, I was part of the latter group. On the one hand, I did not develop or learn, grow or improve. I was stubborn and stuck in my ways. Trying to approach things the same way, and expecting different results. But on the other, I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know what doing things in my best interest even looked like. I thought maybe it was making my parents proud, or meeting my friend’s expectations, or pursuing a career path that was prestigious. Later on it was being a company man and a team player. But none of that was fulfilling, none of that satisfied me. Because I wasn’t living for me, I was living for them. It sounds bad when you put it that way, but it wasn’t weird to me at the time. It was all I had known really. It took me years of therapy to break me out of that mentality. 

Doing things for yourself does not make you selfish. Nor does looking out for your future. Nor taking the time to get your shit together. Sometimes we need to take a step back and focus on ourselves before we can help others. And helping others should not come at the detriment to your own health. It’s hard to help others when you haven’t helped yourself. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way. I neglected my self-interest and ambition for more than two and a half decades. It took me more than a year and a half of therapy for me to even figure out what I wanted. Even though I had grown up, I still didn’t know what I wanted to be, because I hadn’t thought about it in so long. I didn’t think that I was allowed to be what I wanted to be. I had been conditioned to want to be what others wanted me to be.

I know now that it never satisfies. If you’re living for others and not for yourself, you’re essentially telling yourself that you are second place in your own life. Your desires and dreams take a backseat to the desires and dreams of your parents, your peers, your employer, or what have you. Trust me, that’s not very fun. Life is meant to be enjoyed. You’re supposed to work hard, but you’re also supposed to have time to rest and relax. You’re supposed to be kind and helpful to others, but you’re also supposed to be kind and helpful to yourself. Put yourself in position to have a positive impact on those around you by putting yourself in position to succeed. 

Everyone has their own strengths, weaknesses, passions, and interests. Do what you can to make the best use of the skillset you’ve been given. Dream big and never give up. But when you dream, make sure that there is a path to meaningful action that follows. Think of what steps you need to take to get to where you want to go. Without action, your dreams bear no fruit. Without action, your dreams are just hot air. Without action, your dreams are meaningless. 

I know that full well. I have nothing to show for all the dreaming I did in high school. I didn’t get the girl. I didn’t become famous. I didn’t even come any closer to figuring out what I was put on this earth to do. All that dreaming left me with my wheels spinning, wondering what’s next? While I was playing out fantasies in my head, others were out living their lives, pursuing their passions, finding happiness. They were honing their crafts, learning what they needed to learn, mapping out their career paths. I didn’t envy them, I still don’t. But I do wonder what if that had been me? What if I hadn’t wasted all that time?

But as I said earlier, I can’t change the past. I can however, move forward. I can live in the present, and work hard to set up my future. I can think about what kind of legacy I want to leave. I can think about how I want to make an impact. I can think about how I want to be remembered. I can keep on dreaming. I can think about all these things, but I must do everything in my power to make my dreams a reality. If I want to leave a legacy I have to do something worthy of it. That’s what keeps me moving. That’s what I remind myself every time that I’m having a tough day. The process may be hard now, but the end result will be beautiful. It will take time and effort upfront, but it will pay off later. It may seem premature to think about my legacy now, but I have to. I can’t get to where I want to go if I don’t know where I’m going.