Tag Archives: Self-Care

Changing, Discovery, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Hope, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

A Better Way

Leave a comment

I won something recently. Not words that I have had the pleasure of saying often in my life, but I get to say them now. I won a free vacation to Disney World off of the radio, not all expenses are included (I still have to pay for food, souvenirs, baggage fees, etc.), but I can live with that. A free trip is a free trip. So, how does that make me feel? Excited, overjoyed, and grateful to say the least. But I also feel that it’s deserved. My hard work paid off. My dedication to my craft, my devotion to my mental health, the continued change in my outlook all played a part in manifesting such a blessing. Although it was luck of the draw, luck doesn’t have everything to do with it.

I used to believe that good things didn’t happen to me because I just wasn’t that lucky of a person. But the older I get, the more I realize that perspective matters much more than you would think it does. The Universe reads your energy, it feels your aura. I believe in karma. I believe in reaping what you sow. I believe that optimism often leads to blessings and pessimism often leads to misfortune. Yes, good things can happen to bad people, and bad things can happen to good people. Life is unpredictable—shit happens. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t affect the outcome. You are in control of your own life. I know sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes you feel railroaded along, living out a life that’s dictated to you. You need to break out of that. Release yourself from the chains that bind.

Your life is your own. Your choices are your own. Your reactions and your emotions are your own. Life won’t always go as planned, however. Things will not always happen the way that you envision. You are the master of your own life, but you are not the master of the universe. You need to control what you can control, and let the chips fall where they may. If things don’t play out as anticipated, you need to be willing to adapt. The most successful people are able to transition to plans B or C if need be. But that doesn’t mean you pursue your goals expecting failure. You expect to be successful, but you acknowledge that things could turn out differently. You mentally plan ahead in case that happens.

I know I say this a lot, but it starts with changing your mindset. Perspective is a powerful thing to have in this world, but it’s often overlooked. For someone who’s depressed, I know advice like, “just be happy,” is neither helpful nor encouraging, but it actually has some truth and some value to it. Yes, it’s a very misguided thing to say (please don’t ever say this to anyone)—it oversimplifies things drastically. But changing your perspective is the basic premise. That’s the basis for real change. I know that firsthand. The person I was in high school and who I am now are strangers. You couldn’t have found two people more different, but they are linked. I couldn’t have become who I am now, without being who I was then. But I didn’t just change for the sake of it. I didn’t make a conscious decision to be different. I changed because I needed to. I needed to learn how to adapt. It was survival of the fittest within me. Everything that made me stronger, that made me a better human remained. Everything that didn’t was phased out. And I am better for it.

My passions, my interests, my moral compass over time have changed to some extent, but the core of who I was still remains. I talk differently, I act differently, and I think differently now—that comes from confidence and a better understanding of myself. As you know, none of this would’ve been possible if I hadn’t hit rock bottom. If I hadn’t seen the darkness, I wouldn’t have come to the light. If I hadn’t seen myself overcome the adversity, I wouldn’t have thought it possible. Early on in therapy, I had told my therapist that, “depression is something that will stick with me forever. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.” That statement couldn’t have been more wrong, and I’m thrilled that it turned out that way. Yes, my depression and my anxiety are things that I will have to cope with for the rest of my life, but I control them, they no longer control me. I’ve developed the tools necessary to ensure that I don’t let either sickness establish a foothold in my life.

As we get older, we’re supposed to get wiser. We’ve experienced more. We’re more knowledgable. We’ve had successes, and we’ve had failures. Everything that life threw at us was supposed to teach us. To grow us. To mold us. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case for everyone. I can say for certain that I didn’t do much growing in my early to mid 20s. I didn’t learn what I was supposed to learn. I didn’t change what I was supposed to change. I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. Instead, I made excuses. I lied to myself. I ignored my issues. I gave up easily. I lacked growth and improvement in my life because I didn’t put in the necessary effort. Circumstances didn’t change for me because my mindset hadn’t changed. I didn’t seek greatness, and I didn’t expect success. I expected sorrow and misery, so more often than not that’s what life gave me.

In order to get the most out of life you need to invest into it. You can only take away what you put in. If you spread positivity, you will reap the benefit. You will be rewarded and blessed beyond measure. Whereas, if you sow discord or toxicity, that negative energy will reflect back on you, sometimes multiplied. I’ll be the first to admit that for about a decade of my life I probably wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around. Unfortunately, I didn’t know it at the time—I lacked self-awareness as I’ve touched on before—but I do have the benefit of hindsight. I can say for certain that 2023 Justin wouldn’t have enjoyed hanging out with 2016 Justin very much. My overall ethos has changed significantly; the two versions of myself likely aren’t compatible. Yes, I had some fun times back then, but the highs were high and the lows were low. I was unstable, not yet having the capability of living moment by moment. Bad moments turned into bad days turned into bad weeks turned into bad months. 

Each bad experience would tank my mood until the next good one perked it up again. The gap in between the peaks was oftentimes a few weeks or a few months, but there were times when it was a whole year. That’s obviously not a healthy way of living. Instead of taking it day by day or moment by moment, I went peak to peak, which didn’t prepare me well for the inevitable decline. Even though I knew how it would turn out, I was slow to make changes in my life. The rare instances when I did, I usually reverted back to old ways pretty quickly. This often led me to the conclusion that I wasn’t capable of changing, and that my life was destined for more of the same and I was unable to alter its course. Of course, none of that is true. These are lies that the devil tells you to prevent you from living up to your potential. Preventing you from living abundantly and fruitfully. Preventing you from continuing your climb to greatness. Preventing you from becoming a better version of yourself each and every day.

I was seeking better results, but not changing my process. It felt like wasted effort because it was wasted effort. Circumstances would change temporarily but not make long-term impact because my mentality remained the same. I was still just as stubborn as I always had been. Still just as stuck in my ways. Still refusing to admit that I had issues or that I needed help. Still acting like I had all the answers, still just as proud. Things did not get better until I was willing to humble myself. If not for the adversity I went through, I’m not sure if that ever would’ve happened. They say that, “the first step to healing is admitting that you have a problem.” Which I don’t disagree with, but that’s not good enough for me. Plenty of people admit that they have issues, but it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t do anything about it. Granted, everyone operates at their own pace. So, getting to Step 1 is still vital, but I would argue that getting to Step 2 is even more important.

It took me more than twenty-five years to get to Step 1. I tried to do things the same way over and over and over again. This amounted to nothing more than bashing my head against the same bloody brick for eternity. Why should I have expected anything different? It was proven time and time again that my way of doing things wasn’t working. However, I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know what it meant to be happy, to be grateful, to yearn for life. To find meaning. If I wanted real change to happen, I needed to overhaul my entire thought process. I needed to tear down the walls before I could build them back up again. The foundation wasn’t sound, so it was non-sensical to keep adding to it. 

I learned this early on in therapy. Like life, you only get out of it what you put into it. If you’re not honest with yourself and with your therapist, you won’t see real results. You need to be vulnerable, there’s no way around it. Early on in our sessions, I remember being hesitant to share fully, but as time went on I became more open. And with that, I saw more meaningful changes in my life. I started reacting differently and thinking differently. I started to become more grateful. Started to count my blessings. Started to become more in-tune with my emotions. I finally started to understand who I am and what I stand for. How I think. How the world works. With this came confidence and optimism. The things I needed to release me from my fear.

It took me a long time to get to Step 1, but Step 2 followed soon after. It wasn’t easy either, though it seems that way. It took molding and shaping for more than a year to get me to that point. At first, my happiness was manufactured—I had to convince myself that there were things I could be proud of—but like everything else, I was able to chip away at it and change it for good. I needed to heal first before I could move on with my life. Before I could find what I was looking for, I needed to know what I was looking for. But before I could do that, I needed to know who I was, and know who I could become. Where I came from is not the same as where I am going. Where I came from was bitter, and salty, and gloomy. For a while, it was the only life I knew. It was my past, and I thought it was also my future. But I’ve been shown a better way. 

One can argue that winning a free trip was all luck. But I’m not going to do so. I know better than that now. None of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t changed my perspective. If I had maintained my defeatist mentality I was in for more pain, disappointment, and heartbreak. A lot of it. My life was wrought with misfortune because I expected it from the Universe. My dour outlook and my self-pity did me no favors. My negative energy limited all outcomes—the good in my life had a cap, but the bad was limitless. Each day, I putzed around hoping for blessings and miracles, but not sowing the seeds. If I wanted better in my life, I needed to do better. Positivity is spread easily, but so too is negativity. You have a choice. You can see things half full or you can see things half empty. I know which one I’m choosing. I’m choosing the better way.

Brokenness, Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Hope, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Fear Itself

Leave a comment

FDR once said that, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” A statement from ninety years ago, but a true one if ever there was one. Some may see it as a reason not to put stock in such quotes, but I’m not one of them. A thing of the past isn’t merely a thing of the past. There are lessons to be learned, knowledge that can be gained, advice that can be heeded. Unfortunately, in this era of heightened media illiteracy rife with fake news, “Tiktok Doctors”, and lack of fact-checking, there is a tendency to whitewash the past. 

History is history. We have no cause to question it. Yes, oftentimes accounts are skewed in a certain way, but that’s how it goes. All media coverage is meant to convey a certain narrative. It’s our responsibility to sift through and decipher between fact and bullshit. But sometimes we go too far. We start putting weight in conspiracy theories, and we begin questioning sound science and substantiated history. The moon landing happened. The holocaust wasn’t a hoax. The earth isn’t flat. Just because you saw otherwise on Tiktok or YouTube doesn’t make it true. There’s no veracity to those claims. In a day & age where anything can become viral, you have to understand that some things are said just for clicks and views. Don’t believe everything you see, and don’t believe everything you hear. 

However, you need to find a balance. All things in life require it. Like I said last time, you can’t have a dichotomy without both sides of the equation. You need to have a healthy amount of questioning, and a healthy amount of believing. You don’t want paranoia to fuel you, but you also don’t want to follow blindly. They didn’t really tell us this growing up, but adulthood often amounts to walking a tightrope. Things are rarely black and white. That’s an oversimplification of how the world works. “Everyone is a hero in their own story,” is a piece of advice that’s often given to aspiring authors. But don’t think for a second that just because it’s a tidbit used for creating fiction doesn’t mean that it doesn’t also have real-world application. People aren’t just good or evil for the sake of it—there’s more nuance than that. Morality aside, most people do have a justification for doing what they do. I’m not arguing whether it’s right or wrong, but everyone has their reasons.

Unfortunately, that also means that many people love to prove themselves right. They’ll pull quotes out of context to reinforce the points they are trying to make. This works a lot of the time, but it’s a disservice to all parties involved. It’s a manipulative tactic that helps people win arguments, but doesn’t necessarily unveil the truth. I think it’s safe to say that the most misquoted document is the Bible, but it’s not the only text to receive such treatment. We’ve heard people say often that, “I’d rather be feared than loved,” as if it’s a question of either/or. But that’s not what Machiavelli wrote in The Prince. The full quote says, “It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.” The second part of the sentence seems like a key piece to omit. Like me, Machiavelli was arguing that we must have balance. It’s not a question of this or that, it’s a question of how much of each. Be informed. 

That’s easier said than done, however. Misinformation runs rampant as technology advances. Some find it more convenient to retweet or share something before they factcheck it. It doesn’t take long to do the latter, but you need to train yourself to do so. Don’t allow others to take advantage of your ignorance. I’ve been through that before and it’s not a great feeling. I once had a boss use the butchered version of Machiavelli’s quote as a means of justifying his toxic behavior. He used fear as a way of keeping us suppressed, preventing us from speaking out about the culture. It was his way of keeping his foot on our necks. And it worked. Like many others before me, I let him walk all over me, because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know what my worth was. I didn’t know how much respect I was entitled to. And I didn’t know that I deserved better than what he gave me.

Despite how much of an asshole he was, I still appreciate the effect he had on my life. If I hadn’t worked for him, I wouldn’t have experienced the lowest of the low. I wouldn’t have known how it felt to be used and thrown away like human garbage. I wouldn’t have known how miserable it was to feel like you were stuck. Without adversity to overcome I wouldn’t have overcame. Every experience in life can be used for your benefit—the good, the bad, and the ugly. All things come with a lesson or a takeaway. I firmly believe that you are destined to repeat the same mistakes or go through the same hardships if you don’t learn what you were supposed to learn. At first, it’s easy to say that, but harder to put it into action. But like all habits, it becomes easier over time.

Not all lessons are learned at the time of struggle, however. Some things can be learned after the fact. Hindsight is oftentimes quite informative. But living in the moment and thinking/looking ahead are equally as important. We have a past, a present, and a future for a reason. If we are to live as abundantly as possible, we must spend time thinking about all three. Not equally of course, but all three matter. Some people choose not to focus on the past, instead looking only towards their future. Others ignore both, focusing on the now, looking only for instant gratification. And still others can’t help but dwell on the past, regretting things that were done or going over different outcomes in their head. Overemphasis on any one of these areas can prove to be detrimental. 

I’ve overemphasized all three at various points in my life. But the thing that proved to be the most damaging was my failure to make the connection between all three. I thought of each phase separately, not coming to the realization that they’re interwoven in a way that you can’t think about one without the others. I didn’t yet have the ability to reflect on my past to inform my future, to use my vision for the future to dictate my present, to do the hard work in the present to set myself up for future success. None of this meant anything to me because I didn’t have a clear sense of what I was capable of. I lived a life of passivity, letting outside circumstance dictate how my story unfolded. I didn’t live the life I deserved because I had lost sight of what I thought that was. I didn’t seek out better opportunities because I was held back by my fear. At times of adversity I either ran or I hid. It was oftentimes the easy way out. It usually worked but was only a temporary fix. These issues still ran deep. By not drilling to the root, I gave these seemingly innocuous things room to fester and grow. The small things stacked on top of each other, and became something bigger. Ignoring them didn’t solve anything.

But it gave me peace of mind. “Out of sight, out of mind,” as they say. This mentality proved more damaging than I ever would’ve anticipated, but it drew me in because it had seemed so innocent. I was too afraid to face my issues head-on. I lacked mental fortitude back then, if I’d had some I would’ve realized that ignoring my problems was not a legitimate coping mechanism. However, if I hadn’t been led astray by that misconception I never would’ve become the person that I am today. I needed the adversity, the mistakes, and the lapses in judgment. I never would’ve learned the right way to do things if I hadn’t tried out the wrong ways first. We’re young and we’re dumb—we will make mistakes, but we have to learn from them. 

Something that’s stuck with me these past four or five years is that you can’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the biggest step you need to take in order to live your life the way it’s meant to be lived. You can’t have a long-lasting, loving relationship if it lacks trust. You’ll have trouble making close friends if you don’t open up. You can’t get the most out of therapy if you refuse to dig into the past. It’s difficult to have a realistic outlook on your life trajectory if you’re not open and honest with yourself. Like many others, I ignored these things for far too long. I was conditioned to avoid the negative in my life. Anything that was too painful to think about, I refused to think about. I ignored it hoping that it would go away. Unfortunately, that’s not how things work. 

Circumstances cannot and will not change unless you’re willing to work at it. You can’t expect better from your life unless you’ve put in the effort. People don’t become superstars overnight. We don’t see how long or how hard others have toiled, but I can guarantee that the greatest role models have put their all into whatever endeavor they chose. Everyone walks a different path; each story is unique. But there is one thread in common. All those who seek greatness have made a conscious decision to no longer let fear dictate their lives. They have moved on from their past trauma. They have learned from their mistakes. They think about their future but live in the moment. They make decisions now that will pay off later. They don’t sit around waiting for miracles to happen; they plant their seeds, knowing that if they keep nurturing them there will be a bountiful harvest. They count their blessings, but know that more are yet to come. The best things in life come at a cost, but I assure you it will be worth it.

In order to move on from your past trauma, you need to reopen the wound. It hurts at first, but you’ll be better for it. You can’t tack on another band-aid or continue to ignore it, it will never heal that way. Drill down to the root. Fix your problems from the ground up. Relive your past so that you can have a better future. There’s no other way to move on. I know it’s scary, but everyone goes through adversity. Take a deep breath, and release yourself from your fear. Do not fear the pain, embrace it. You’ve already been through this once, and you made it out alive. Go back in and draw out the lessons. Your fear does not control you; you control your fear. It is your master no longer. You are destined for greatness. You are meant to show the world your worth. You will fear no longer, because you know who you are, you know what you’re capable of. You’ve shown it to yourself, now show it to the world. 

Brokenness, Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Knowledge, Mindfulness, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

Ignorance is Ignorance

Leave a comment

When I walk in, heads turn… Or at least that’s what happens in my dreams. Sometimes. More often than not, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to a school dream. I’m thirty-one years old, this shouldn’t be happening but it does. It’s been eight years since I graduated college, twelve since high school. But my subconscious still seems to believe that I have more homework to do, more tests to take, more projects to work on. The human psyche is a strange place. Not easily understood. 

If it were, we wouldn’t have such studies as psychology, sociology, and anthropology. I’ve said before that I studied business because I thought it was what was expected of me, but I studied sociology because I was interested in learning about people. I needed to know why people were the way that they were. I needed to know the motive behind every action. I needed to know why serial killers turned out the way that they did. Most of the time, fucked-up people aren’t born fucked-up people. I’d like to believe that we start with a clean slate, and are shaped by nature, nurture, and trauma. Something steers deviants down the untrodden path. They wouldn’t just veer off on their own. 

But this much is still not understood. Some cope with trauma well—use adversity as their stepping stone. Others wilt under pressure. Some are liable to follow in the footsteps of their forefathers: repeating mistakes, using the same crutches, abusing the same vices. Others see the error in their ways, using it as a deterrent. What makes one sibling resign themself to the fact that, “my father is an alcoholic so I will be one too,” but the other believe that, “my father is an alcoholic so I refuse to be one”? I went to college asking questions such as these, seeking knowledge. I came away with a few answers, but many more questions.

Growing up I was taught not to question things. My parents were older than me, therefore they had the answers. My teachers and pastors were more educated, therefore they knew what was right. But this discounts the fact that people are people, even if they are your elders. Your parents and teachers are not superheroes. They are not angels. They are not beings incapable of wrongdoing. They are fallible just as you are. They can lie, they can cheat. They can hurt you, they can do fucked up things. When we’re young, it’s hard for us to understand that our parents are just other people. It doesn’t register in our still-developing brain, and that’s fine for a time. Ideally, there should be no greater role model in your life than your parents. However, things don’t always work out that way. Your parents can be selfish. They can be misguided. They can think that they’re doing what’s right, but doing more harm than good. We’re all figuring things out as we go along—it’s no different with them.

One sign of becoming more mature is developing a better understanding of the world. You start realizing that your parents do not in fact have all the answers, but you also realize after the fact that they did know better than you did at the time because they had more life experience. There comes a time in your life when your parents’ commands become suggestions. Their advice is still valuable to you, but you no longer take it at face value. You listen, you interpret, and you determine. What they say might work for you, it might not. Regardless, they are no longer in control of your life. You find that every last decision rests on your shoulders. You live the life that you want to live, and with that comes true happiness. You start doing what satisfies you rather than doing things to check a box. 

For twenty-seven years I did things to check a box. I did what I was told. I did what I thought was expected. I did what I was good at. But I didn’t do what I wanted. I didn’t follow my passion. I didn’t do what would make the greatest impact on those around me. Maybe this is just my cynicism at play, but I’m convinced that nearly every company tells you the same lies. They feed your ego: telling you that you’re such a great employee, how much you mean to the company, and that you have a real future. There is some semblance of truth to their statements, but I don’t buy that their intentions are always pure. When it comes down to it, companies are looking for someone to do their work for them. Sometimes this aligns with your skillset and your values, but oftentimes it does not. I was told for years that I would be great at customer service (which I was) and that sales was where the money was at (I did not in fact get paid more as promised). When the time came, I was given more responsibility and a title change, but not paid what I was worth. For many years I accepted it—I didn’t know any better. I let fear dictate my life. I allowed outside circumstances to direct me. I thought my life was outside of my control so I didn’t even bother, and I suffered for it.

At some point it started to click, but it took being lied to and tricked over and over. I stopped letting fear influence my decision making. I said, “no more.” I began to embrace the unknown, because I finally accepted that what I did know wasn’t working. I needed to try something new, to start taking risks. Otherwise, I was destined to be just another deadbeat stuck at a dead end job. There’s already enough of those in the world, we didn’t need another. Saying no to my fear was the most freeing experience in my life. But in order to do that, I had to get out of my comfort zone. I could no longer be satisfied with my okay life. I could no longer let myself be walked all over. I could no longer keep checking boxes on a career path that I wasn’t built for. Selling products that people don’t need was not it. I’m not a salesperson. I’m not a market analyst. I’m not a customer service rep. None of that was me. I was never meant to climb the corporate ladder. I’m not cutthroat enough for that nor do I have that type of ambition. I’m a writer first and foremost, and a knowledge seeker second. Someone who provides inspiration and spreads hope. That’s what I was meant for: helping people in my own way, by using my words. Being encouraging, being thoughtful, contributing positivity to the world—that’s what drives me.

In order to do that, I have to keep asking questions. It doesn’t matter how many answers I find, it’s a never-ending quest for more knowledge. The more informed I am, the better equipped I am to figure out what exactly it is that I believe. Growing up, we were told that asking questions showed our doubt, but doubt is not always the negative emotion that we perceive it to be. You can’t have a dichotomy without both the good and the bad. You can’t have happiness without anger or sadness. You can’t have success without failure. You can’t have belief without doubt. Doubt helps you to strengthen your faith (regardless of what religion you follow). You need to graduate from blindly believing everything that you’re taught, to formulating your own world view.

This much is imperative. You are not a clone of your parents. You are not your cousin. You are not your sibling. You are your own person, and as such, you need to know where you stand. You’re not going to agree with your family on everything, that’s just not realistic. Your parents raise you the way that they think is right, but sometimes good intentions are nothing more than that. Your parents will disappoint you, you will disappoint your parents, that’s inevitable. The way you live your life is not contingent on the way that they live theirs. Growing up, you are subject to their worldview because you haven’t experienced anything different. Your parents instill in you certain values, but over time, they may change. Once you become an adult, it’s time to find out for yourself. Time to form your own opinions. 

But you can’t do that without asking questions. When you stop asking questions is when you settle. When you accept what is told without fact-checking, you allow yourself to be brainwashed and manipulated. You lose sight of what you believe, and instead believe what you’re told to believe. Of course, there needs to be a balance between finding your own truth and trusting wholly in others. Too much of either isn’t healthy. If you lack trust in others you become fueled by paranoia. If you blindly trust what others tell you then you lose your sense of self. It’s hard for me to say which is worse, but I’ve seen how destructive either one can be. All I know is that your ignorance is not bliss… Your ignorance is ignorance. You need to distance yourself from that. If you have the opportunity to learn more about society as a whole and where you fit in, why wouldn’t you take it? Your worldview is not a static entity. It should change based on what you know and feel. Unfortunately, the world is a fucked-up place, and discouragement often comes easy. But just because many people are driven by greed and self-interest doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference. You have good that you can impart. You have something to offer. Never forget that.

It may not be evident to you now what it is that you can offer, but it will become evident over time. You just need to keep working on yourself, improving a bit at a time. Progress may be slow, it may be fast, but it requires persistence. Lay down the groundwork so that you have a good foundation. If your foundation is strong then nothing can shake you. It starts with learning to become in-tune with yourself. Know who you are. Know what you stand for. Understand and accept your emotions. Listen to your mind, body, and soul. If something doesn’t feel right, ask yourself why. If your everyday life feels tedious, then find something that motivates you. Realize that all emotions, positive or negative, are necessary. If the situation calls for anger or sadness, embrace it, don’t shun it or suppress it. Let it run its course, but don’t let it stew. Allow yourself to react, then let it go. Not every situation or conversation needs to be manipulated for your purposes. Not everything needs to have a positive or negative outcome. Sometimes some things just are. Shit happens. 

Letting go isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Sometimes we feel the need to control everything. Things need to work out for us, otherwise why are we doing them? But that’s a fallacy. Every situation comes with a lesson, but it does not always come with a tangible result. Just because something is neither beneficial nor harmful doesn’t mean that it’s useless. Doing something positive that doesn’t garner praise or recognition doesn’t invalidate its worth. A kind gesture is a kind gesture. Lack of gratitude shouldn’t prevent you from acting out of love. 

However, sometimes we overthink things such as these. We build up walls and create facades. Sometimes this is due to us being afraid to commit, being wary about opening up. Other times it’s because we’re afraid to face hard truths. Putting in time and effort on maintaining these images often results in a feeling of emptiness. That’s because we aren’t being true to ourselves and to others. We wanted so badly for others to see us as nice, intelligent, beautiful, or unique. We were trying so hard, but it wasn’t needed. We just needed to be us. To be genuine. To be true to ourselves. To accept the things that make us us. Our strengths, our weaknesses, our passions, our interests, our personality. No one element is unique to anybody, but we are not the elements, we are the sum of the parts. The totality of it is what makes us unique. Embrace it. Live the life you want to live. Be the person that you want to be. Do what makes you happy. Stop giving a shit about what others think. Once you know your worth, the opinion that matters the most is your own.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Hope, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness, Writing

Gotta Let Em Know

Leave a comment

This wonderful journey has taught me many things—about myself, about my expectations, about my hopes and dreams. I’ve been “cooking” for a little over three years now, but I’m ready to show the world. I know what I’m capable of, and it’s time to let em know. 

When I first started out, I was figuring stuff out as I went along. Let’s be honest, I didn’t know what I was doing, but I learned. And I was writing. That was the most important thing. You can’t become a better writer without practice. There’s a saying that goes that you have to write a million words before you’re able to write something worthy to be published. This is a bit of hyperbole but probably not by much. No one is going to be able to write a perfect manuscript right off the bat. It takes debuting authors years before their novel sees the light of day. 

Writing is a tough medium to master, especially if you’re looking to become a novelist. There’s likely to be years of toil without any tangible result. You don’t contact publishers or agents until you have something that you feel good about. They don’t offer contracts based off of ideas or half-assed work. You need to have something that’s finished and fairly polished. How long it takes to create such a thing is up to the individual. Each writer develops at their own pace. Unfortunately for us, sometimes it’s hard to gauge our progress, especially when we’re writing in isolation. We need affirmation from others in order to keep us going. It’s not the end all, be all though. If your primary reason for writing is anything other than that writing is good for you and makes you feel fulfilled, then your priorities are all wrong. You write for yourself first and foremost. 

Fame and fortune doesn’t come from writing necessarily. It might happen, but more than likely it won’t. Most writers don’t become George R. R. Martin or Stephen King, but it doesn’t mean that we give up trying. We all have a lot to give. We all have something to offer. We have knowledge we can impart. We have stories to tell. But most importantly we have people that we can help. We aren’t meant to be sponges our whole lives, taking taking taking without giving back. It’s fine to be one for a time, but once we’ve learned, once we’ve healed, its time to bestow unto others. Making an impact is the name of the game. It doesn’t matter how big or small. 

Be intentional. Be grateful. Be encouraging. Look to have thought-provoking conversation. Look to brighten someone’s day. Help those around you. Even something as simple as holding the door for a stranger can go a long way. Don’t be so self-absorbed that you can’t see what’s around you. Don’t forget to thank those that help you. Don’t forget to be kind. But most of all don’t forget to do everything in your power to be a decent human being. Oftentimes that’s lost in our journey up the corporate ladder. We’re told such things as “good guys finish last,” or “you always have to look out for number one.” The “good guys” that finish last are the ones that let themselves be taken advantage of. You can be a good guy without being a human doormat. You can look out for yourself without being an asshole. You can be ambitious without stepping on other people’s backs. Just because everyone else is doing things the same way doesn’t mean that you need to follow. Forge your own path. Birth your own career. March to the beat of your own drum.

But be realistic. Be aware. Know where you stand in the grand scheme. Don’t be so relentless in your pursuits that you inflate your self-worth. Don’t overvalue your skillset. Don’t put on an air of entitlement—acting like the world owes you something. No one owes you a single dime. Every accomplishment in life requires effort. All praise needs to be earned. No favors come for free. In order to get something out of life, you need to put something in. On the other hand, it’s time to stop self-deprecating. Time to stop undervaluing your importance. You mean something to someone. That’s the truth. Someone somewhere cares about you. Someone will miss you when you’re gone. So it’s best to know where you stand.

Some people were meant to work a 9-5, some people were meant to go off the beaten path. Some people need structure and value conformity. Others would prefer to find their own way. No one way is right, no one way is wrong. One thing can work for some, but not for others. No piece of advice is meant for everyone. Of course you should listen  objectively to anyone willing to invest in you, but know that the mileage may vary. Their advice may or may not work for you, you have to determine that for yourself. Each person lives a unique life with unique circumstances and unique backgrounds. We owe it to ourselves to find out who we are. 

For most of my life I never really fit into a specific box. I was always a bit eccentric, for good or for ill. This was a point of contention for a long time. My internal struggle centered around balancing fitting in with keeping my individuality. I think it’s safe to say that the latter won out in the end. But it took some time to reach that point. It took understanding who I was and learning to love myself for it. I couldn’t start thriving until I accepted that this was who I was. I needed to learn to be proud of where I came from, and be excited for where I was going. It was hard at first, but became easier over time. That’s the case with most things. Habits don’t form overnight. Changes don’t happen in a day. You need to keep working at it—always molding and tinkering. Sow your seeds now, and keep on watering them. Eventually something will grow. Something beautiful and abundant.

We were meant to do so much more than eke out a mediocre existence. We were called to be fruitful and to add some meaning to life. We were meant to seek greatness in everything that we do. If we aren’t trying our absolute hardest to be the best version of ourselves that we can be, then what exactly are we doing? We help ourselves first, then we help others. You take and then you give back. That’s the circle of life. Of course, you can’t give back if you have nothing to give. Take some time to focus on your growth, to discover yourself, to find your purpose. Don’t try to tackle everything at once. Take it one day at a time. If your today is better than your yesterday then it’ll lead to a better tomorrow. If you’re better now than you were a week ago then it means that you’re on the right track. Rejoice in that. 

You’ll have good days and you’ll have bad days. Don’t beat yourself up too much. A step back doesn’t mean that you’ve regressed. Regression is a steady trend in the wrong direction. One bad day does not constitute that. But don’t let it become more than what it is. Don’t allow your bad days to stack. Decompress and destress. Don’t circulate negativity in your head before you go to sleep. When you’re in bed you need to rest. Your stresses, worries, and anxieties can be tackled in the morning. Use a diffuser, smoke weed, count sheep if you have to. When you’re ready to sleep, do so. Calm yourself as you go to sleep, and you will wake up calm. 

You need to start your day off right, with a healthy mindset. Each morning should be seen as a reset. Each day is its own. Try not to let yesterday’s frustrations carry on into today. Of course, it’s unavoidable sometimes, but don’t let it become a habit. This is how regression occurs—allowing yourself to become more miserable each subsequent day. Start each morning with a refresh. You’ll feel better for it. Treat each moment, good or bad, as its own. Take a second to breathe. Return back to zero. 

This was something that I learned early on in therapy, and it’s stuck with me since. Before I found my healing I had a tendency to let singular events tank my day. One nasty customer on the phone and I would resign myself to the “fact” that “this day sucks,” but I would ignore all the good that had happened. The outcome of my day should not have been dictated by one lousy experience. Each moment is its own. A bad moment doesn’t have to lead to a bad day. A bad day doesn’t have to lead to a bad week. A bad week doesn’t have to lead to a bad month. This has become more and more evident to me the more that I write.

Some days are more productive than others, some days are less, some days I don’t feel like I can even write at all. At times I feel like I’m the best writer in the world, at others I feel like I can’t form a coherent sentence. It’s all part of the process. Writing, like most things in life has ebbs and flows. But you need to stick with it. Persistence is key. If you let every negative comment or piece of criticism get to your head then you won’t ever reach the lofty expectations that you’ve set for yourself. Don’t let yourself be held back by doubt. You will have lovers and you will have haters. That’s a given. Anything that’s said will affect you one way or another—it can’t always be helped. But at the end of the day, outside opinion matters, but it isn’t what matters the most. Your opinion of yourself is what matters the most. Know your worth. You are capable of achieving everything that you set your mind to. But you have to be in tune with yourself, check in every once in a while. Know what works for you.

For me, I value all feedback, positive or negative. It helps me form an accurate picture of where I am at. I need one-star reviews just as much as I need five-star ones. It helps me fine-tune my approach. I need people to tell me that I suck, and I need people that will praise me. It keeps me level-headed—the hate prevents my ego from ballooning, the love keeps me motivated. The negativity used to sap my confidence, throw me into a rut. But I needed that. It helped me to gain a more realistic understanding of how far I’ve developed as a writer. The first shitty comment is always the hardest, but each subsequent one gets easier to bear. Hatred and doubt no longer drain me, they fuel me instead. I know how good of a writer I am but I also understand that I still need work. I reach onwards and upwards, but I know that I will never attain perfection. I will never be a finished product, but that doesn’t stop me from continuously reaching. Once you stop reaching, once you stop dreaming is when stagnation settles in. 

Stagnation is the ally of decay, the enemy of growth. In order to chase your dreams you need to keep moving forward. Work on your craft. Better yourself. Learn more. If you’re passionate about what you do, it won’t feel tedious. The effort you put in, the time you spend early on, will pay off later. I can say without a doubt that my efforts have paid off, but I’m not done yet—nowhere close. I speak differently now, that’s what my therapist told me. And there’s a reason for that. As I’ve improved as a writer, I’ve discovered my voice. I’ve learned what I do know and what I don’t know. I’ve learned what to do, and what not to do. I know what sort of a writer I am. I’ve unveiled the strengths and weaknesses in my skillset. I can look at all feedback objectively and determine if it has legitimacy. Anything that’s unhelpful or untrue I can throw out and ignore. I know where I stand.

The more I write, the more confident I get. Confidence comes with improvement. And improvement comes as a result of my hard work. I didn’t always have something to show for it, but I do now. This hobby of mine went from something that I thought that I was capable of to something that I know I’m capable of. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. When the time comes, my novel will be a reflection of my best work, as will the ensuing series. I’m still typing away, still crafting my story. It’s still in the workshop, but I’m making meaningful progress. The time will come when I’m ready to show it to the world, but for now this should suffice. 

This blog has been in existence since 2014 (albeit with a different URL), but for six years posts were sporadic. I started taking this seriously in 2020, but I was writing for myself. In 2023 I know who I am and what I am. I know what I can and will become. I know what I can offer. This blog is for you: the broken, the hurting, and the decaying. I’m here to offer hope, I’m here to offer peace, I’m here to offer healing. I know what my purpose is, and I gotta let em know.

Brokenness, Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Hope, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness

A Neverending Journey

Leave a comment

I met someone. Words that are often overused, but words that mean something. I didn’t meet a crush, or a lover, or some sort of romantic connection. I’m spoken for, and happily so. But I met someone nevertheless. Someone who will help me on my journey. Someone who will help me accomplish my dreams. I met a friend, and a collaborator, and a partner. 

My life the last few years has been a bit of an adventure (at least for my standards). Since December 2019, I’ve quit two toxic workplaces. You may wonder why I quit one, just to join another, especially when my focus has been on maintaining my mental health. It was simple. I needed a job, but I had my eyes set on something else—something greater—so I didn’t mind it. It was only ever going to be temporary. The job kinda found me, and it was super convenient. It was low stress and not super taxing for a time, which freed up the brainpower that I needed to be able to write. I could come home fresh and ready to get my creative juices flowing. Something that I hadn’t been able to do in the six years prior. 

Truth be told, I’ve wanted to try my hand at writing for a while. But something always held me back. Usually it was fear and anxiety, often times it was excuse making. It was something that I was good at, letting fear control my life, believing the misconceptions. When you’re mentally and emotionally drained for long stretches at a time it’s easy to allow outside circumstances to dictate your life. It’s easy to hold yourself back and to let yourself be held back. When you’ve self-deprecated for over two decades, and your self-esteem has been running on fumes for as long as you can remember, making excuses feels natural. Underestimating your competence, understating your abilities, convincing yourself that you’re not capable of more, believing that you’re destined for mediocrity. All these things are lies that we tell ourselves. Lies that prevent us from becoming the best version of ourselves that we can be.

For the longest time, I was plagued by a nihilistic mindset. I didn’t know what I wanted from life. I didn’t know what I could contribute. I didn’t know what I was passionate about. I didn’t know what fulfillment felt like. I didn’t know what satisfaction was. I believed that I was destined to live an uninspired existence. To work laboriously because that was all we were put on this earth to do. To grow up, work, recreate, and die. In that fucked-up brain of mine, I thought that my life was out of my control. That I was subject to the whims of whatever uncaring god was out there. I found myself stuck at a dead-end job, but what proved more detrimental was that I was stuck in my mindset. I had stopped dreaming a long time before that. I had forgotten what it felt like to strive for something better. I had never known what my self-worth actually was. I had convinced myself that I had already peaked, that it would only go downhill from there. The risk taker in me had been overcome by my fear. 

It was easy to keep being mediocre, to maintain the status quo. Growing up, I had been taught to seek comfort. To find something stable. Not to take too many risks. This led me to the false belief that settling was acceptable. That just okay was good enough. I didn’t know what it meant to dream big, or to seek greatness, or to have ambition. The anxiety and depression that I suffered through in my teenage years and early twenties was crippling. They prevented me from becoming the best version of myself that I could be. In truth, I didn’t think I was capable of goodness, let alone greatness. My demons had robbed me of all of my ambition. There are many things that I could blame, but I’m not going to do so. One of the first steps in transitioning to adulthood is taking responsibility for your actions and holding yourself accountable. Shit happens that may or may not be within your control. That doesn’t matter. What does is how you react to such circumstances. What’s important is that you learn from any and all experiences—good or bad. It doesn’t matter how they came to be. 

Everyone goes through shit. That’s a fact of life. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has their own demons and vices. How you speak, how you think, how you act matters. All of this stems from having a healthy mind. I say this time and time again, but I will continue to do so until I go blue in the face. Get your mind right and everything falls into place. Of course, it’s easier said than done, but you have to keep at it. I didn’t accomplish anything meaningful in the first twenty-seven years of my life. That’s because I had a bad attitude and an overly pessimistic mindset. At some point in time, a small voice needled its way into my brain, telling me that I couldn’t do shit, that I wasn’t capable, that I was useless, that I was trash. As disappointments stacked, I started to believe this voice. I gave it room to grow. To fester. To corrupt. The more I fed the voice, the more I believed the lies.

Unfortunately, this isn’t unique to me. As millennials, we were conditioned to run from our problems. To hide them in a lesser traveled area of our brain. Our parents’ generation didn’t really understand mental health, therefore not much focus was put into fixing the issues. We were told to suck it up. Be happy. Don’t worry about it. But as we got older, as we shifted from early-twenties to late-twenties we started to realize how detrimental this was to our well-being. Ignoring the trauma only made things worse. Numbing the pain was only a temporary fix. Pretending to be strong only sapped our energy. We were left broken and we didn’t know what came next. Some of us have found our healing. Some of us have addressed issues we’ve been ignoring for twenty years. Unfortunately, many more of us are either still broken or are trying to figure things out.

I’m blessed to be a part of the former group, but it didn’t come without growing pains. Of course, I had good days and I had bad days. Mostly bad. Figuring things out on my own didn’t quite work out as I had expected. For a while I was too stubborn to seek out the help that I needed. I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t have the answers, because that would mean admitting that I was consistently failing to meet expectations. But these weren’t expectations that others had of me, but rather expectations that I had projected onto them. I was supposed to be such and such a person, because that was what was trendy. I was supposed to study this, because it was a respectable career path. I was supposed to do that, because it would make me less of a loner. I worried so much about what others thought of me that I had lost sight of what I thought of myself. At the end of the day, it’s the thing that matters the most. If you don’t love yourself, why would someone else love you? If you don’t respect yourself, why would you be deserving of respect? If you don’t think that you’re capable, why would others give you more responsibility?

I couldn’t find happiness because I felt none of these things. I didn’t love myself, I didn’t respect myself, I didn’t think myself capable. Life wasn’t fulfilling because I had no purpose. I had no purpose because I had stopped dreaming. I had stopped dreaming because I could no longer find the goodness in me. I was worth something, but I couldn’t see it. I had spent too many years downplaying my self-worth. Too many years living in fear. Too many years trying to please everyone but myself. Life was meaningless because I had lost all passion. And that was a dangerous spot to be in. I had gotten too comfortable with my mediocre life. But it wasn’t worth living, because I was just going through the motions. I wasn’t looking to make an impact on those around me. I wasn’t looking to seek greatness. I wasn’t willing to take any risks. I had asked myself, “is this it? Is there more to life?” and had resigned myself to it. 

But there is more to life than that. There’s more to life than being fine with okay. Okay isn’t good enough. Seeking greatness is the goal. You have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone to do so. I didn’t learn that until I turned twenty-seven, but it wasn’t too late. There isn’t really such a thing as too late. There’s always room for growth. There’s always time to change. You can always strive for better. There’s always more to learn. You aren’t confined to a box. You can step out, you can step up. Change is something that you need to seek. It won’t just happen, bad habits don’t go away on their own. You need to work at it until you break it down. Change has more to do with determination than it does with doing the right things. In order to change, you need to start with your mindset. The first step is to stop making excuses.

That was the biggest thing that held me back. It wasn’t my lack of self-confidence. It wasn’t my lack of drive. It wasn’t my fear. Yes, all of those played a factor in my average existence, but nothing played a bigger role than my excuse making. I didn’t write because I gave myself reasons not to. That was the easy way out, and I took it because I didn’t know how to deal with adversity and I didn’t want to. But anything worth doing takes effort. It takes determination. And it takes self-control. If you don’t force yourself to do things, chances are you won’t do it. I think I know that better than most. 

Writing for me happened in spurts. Inspiration came and went. Without any determination, that left me not doing what I do best for long stretches at a time. I always had a way with written word, but I needed refinement and I needed direction. But most importantly I needed encouragement. I needed someone to remind me that I was good at something. I needed someone to help me realize that I had talent and that I was worthy of praise. I’ve mentioned many times that I wrote poems and lyrics as a kid. Somewhere down the line that changed, and removing my creative outlet left me feeling empty. Writing is what I was meant to do. I was put on this planet for a reason: to help others using my words. It took me more than two and a half decades to realize that, but I will run with it and never look back.

In the autumn of 2019, things began to change. By that point I had been seeing a therapist for over a year. I had finished breaking down and I had finished healing. So what came next? I didn’t really know, until she asked me if I was happy with my career. No surprise that I said that I wasn’t. I had spent my whole life chasing something that I didn’t actually want. It wasn’t my dream, it was someone else’s. It was time for me to start chasing the thing that had eluded me for so long. It was time to stop making excuses, and start writing. It was time to turn my idea for a novel into something tangible. I’ve had my ups and downs, but I’ve stuck with it this whole time. I’ve figured stuff out on my own, I’ve had to look things up. 

After I quit my job, I started writing in isolation. For several months it bore fruit. I could see progress. I could see improvement. But I didn’t have any external affirmation. No one saw my work but me. Which was fine for a time. I hadn’t yet grown confident in my ability. However, even the loneliest hermit needs affirmation. Even the biggest introvert needs people to care. Everyone needs to know if they’re on the right track. I thought I was, but I didn’t know for certain. Which brought me back to therapy. I needed new answers. I needed to know what came next.

I needed writer friends. I needed peers. I found that in October through an online writing community. It led to some growth. It was scary, putting my work out there, but it helped me to learn and improve. I had some positive, helpful feedback. I had some not so helpful feedback. Assholes exist everywhere. For a few months I fell back into old habits. Every hater, everyone who told me that my writing wasn’t good put me in a rut. I took each and every criticism personally. Every negative comment felt like a dagger to the heart. The voices that told me that I wasn’t good enough began to rear their ugly heads again. The feelings of doubt started to reemerge. I started asking myself if I was built for this. If I had enough talent. I began spiraling back into this rabbit hole of insecurity. But an angel came and rescued me. In January I met my ideal reader—he is mine and I am his. Someone who understands the story the way that I understand it. A writer whose strengths and weaknesses complement mine. We are symbiotic. A friendship, a partnership, a collaboration that will go a long way. 

The going may be tough at first, but your hard work will pay off in the end. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t do something. Don’t believe the voices that tell you that you aren’t worth shit. You are capable of so much. You can do good. You can be good. You can be great. But in order to do so, you have to keep on keeping on. Push yourself higher and higher. Dream big; never stop dreaming. Everything is within reach. Nothing is too ambitious if your eye is set on it. You just have to force yourself to do it. Eventually the habit will stick. Your hobby will become your passion. You are meant to make an impact on those around you. You are capable of great things. Goals are within reach, but life doesn’t end there. They are only milestones, not end points. Life is a neverending journey. Keep reaching higher. Aim for perfection though perfection can’t be attained. When the time comes, you will show the world that you are worthy.