Tag Archives: Writing

Changing, Depression, Discovery, Greatness, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Reflections, Self-Care, Self-Love, Wellness, Writing

Growing Pains

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“Life is what you make of it.” A statement that I’ve gone back and forth on for years. When I was younger, it was a phrase that limited me, held me back. It added extra pressure in ways that weren’t beneficial. As a depressed teenager, this was one of my main trigger phrases. C’mon you know them. Things like, “just be happy,” or “look on the bright side,” or “you’ll be okay.” All phrases that are seemingly harmless to the neurotypical, but from the outside looking in, you have no idea how damaging such phrases can be to the neurodivergent, even if your intentions are pure (yes, I know that depression and anxiety aren’t traditionally counted among the neurodivergent, but I beg to differ). 

Deep down, I knew that these statements all had a grain of truth to them, but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear at all. The truth is I was already too psychologically unstable for any of this stuff to resonate. By the time my mom started throwing these phrases at me in my later high school years, it was already too late. I had already closed myself off to the world. Put up my barriers. Conditioned myself to expect the worst. Convinced myself of my worthlessness. I had zero belief in myself or my ability. So how could you say those things to me? How could you tell me that life is what you make of it, if I didn’t think I was capable of doing anything worthwhile? How could you tell me to just be happy, if I no longer remembered what happiness felt like? How could you tell me to look on the bright side, if I felt like the bright side had already passed me by?

I was already too blinded by my pessimism. Too worn down by life’s struggles to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was hard for me to see a way through when my mind was clouded by the darkness inside. It was hard for me to believe that the sun would shine again, when I was under a perpetual rain cloud. So, it really didn’t matter how true these statements were (or weren’t), there was no getting through to me in my emotional state. And that’s part of the reason why things never really got better for me for the longest time—because my perspective on life hadn’t changed. I was trying to do things differently while maintaining the same thought process. Which, I’ve learned the hard way doesn’t often work out. If you want real change in your life, you can’t be half-in/half-out. You’re either committed or you’re not.

Of course, I’m oversimplifying it quite a bit, but think about it. If you lack commitment or if you’re not serious enough about wanting to change, you’re not going to do everything within your power to see that happen. It’ll be easier for you to make excuses or justify bad habits by saying, “but that’s the way I’ve always done it.” Easier to revert to old ways. Easier to give up when the going gets tough. In order to move onward and upward, you need to be able to look at your life holistically and determine what needs changing and what doesn’t. It’s hard to do that without changing your perspective. That’s not to say that it can’t be done, only that it makes it more challenging. You do, however, have to look at it on a case by case basis. In my case, I was doing myself a disservice by putting obstacles in my own way. By not committing to change I was only setting myself up for failure. By not changing my perspective I was only delaying healing and progress. 

Some people are born with confidence, or an innate desire to strive for better, or are naturally able to self-motivate and push themselves without any outside influence. Some people need to be taught these things. Some people need outside motivation to start the ball rolling. And some people are able to discover all of this on their own, but it might take some time. None of these approaches is inherently wrong, just different. As I’ve said before, each person has their own unique story to tell. No two people are blessed with the exact same gifts. No two people have the same weaknesses or face the same adversity. As such, each person goes through different stages of their lives at their own pace. At some point in your life you’ll have to learn to accept this.

The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be able to start figuring out how to navigate through life. It feels like we’re way too hard on ourselves sometimes. We beat ourselves up for mistakes that we’ve made. We don’t show ourselves enough patience or compassion. We see others thriving or making something of themselves, and we ask ourselves, “why am I such a loser,” or “what’s wrong with me,” or “why do I suck?” Instead of thinking about the steps that we need to take to get us there, we self-deprecate. We question our worth. We start doubting ourselves and our abilities. And it feels natural for us to do so! But this is an unhealthy way of thinking, and one that you need to try to break out of as soon as you can. You wouldn’t say such things to your friends or treat them that poorly. So why are you doing it to yourself? Show yourself some grace, and stop comparing yourself to others! Each situation is different, and as such, results will vary.

Easier said than done, as with all things. But you’ll feel better for it. Instead of comparing yourselves to others, compare who you are now to who you were then. I can guarantee you that there’s been some changes along the way—some good, some bad. Embrace them and rejoice in them. Each day is different. Some days will feel like a step in the right direction, some days won’t. But you can’t let a bad day ruin your week or your month or your year. Think about what you’re passionate about, and plant a purpose or goals in your mind. Figure out what you want to do in life, and go from there. And focus on controlling what you can control, which are namely your effort, consistency, drive, and discipline. If you can maintain your effort and consistency, drive and discipline will come in time. Remember that you can’t control how people react, you can only control what you put out. Once you embrace that, it’ll be easier for you to put your head down and get to work. But that will require you to develop a thicker skin, to build up some mental fortitude.

All that will come in time, and with experience. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to face your adversity head on. Which will hurt in the moment, but you’ll be better off in the end. Take it from me. As we’ve discussed before, I used to shut down when faced with adversity. I tried to run or hide every time, but I was only delaying the inevitable. The running and the hiding would only end up taking me so far. Ignoring my problems didn’t make them diminish or go away. In fact, it actually made them worse, far worse. It took years of therapy to break down my bad habits. To rid myself of my unhealthy way of thinking. To undo the harm I did to myself psychologically. It took even longer than that to change my perspective. To discover my passion. To find happiness. To build up confidence. 

It turns out that my mom was right after all. All I needed was a different perspective. But it was much much harder than she had made it seem. It wasn’t something that could be changed at the drop of a hat. It wasn’t something that would just click right away. It took a lot of effort and discipline. And I needed to condition and recondition myself in order to have a healthier mindset. But I was able to do it in the end. I came out of all of this stronger and more equipped to deal with whatever life throws at me. I’ve finally come to a place that I feel really good about. I’m excited about where I am and I’m motivated to continue to try to get to where I wanna go. 

And I want the same thing for you. I want to see you thrive. I want to see you pursue greatness. We were put here on this earth to build others up, not tear others down. Success breeds success. Positive energy is contagious. Surround yourself with individuals who are trying to be better versions of themselves each and every day, and soon you’ll see yourself wanting to do the same. Encourage each other, and eventually you’ll be able to get to where you want to go, together. We were all meant for great things in life. We are all more than capable. We are all talented and skilled in our own ways. No one was brought into life, destined to be mediocre. You can change your “fate.” Your life does not follow a script. You are in control of your life, your life is not in control of you.

Adversity. Challenges. Difficulties. Tough times. Rough days. They’re all a part of life. Everyone goes through them, but each person is given a unique set of circumstances. But these circumstances do not define or constrain you. You can change the narrative—you just have to to commit to it. Life isn’t about what you go through, but how you deal with it. Your adversity does not make you who you are, your fight does. I promise you you’ll come out of it stronger. It won’t be easy, but you’ll make it through—I have faith in you. It’ll be a tough road to get to greatness, but anything worth doing will cost you blood, sweat, and tears. The tough times aren’t setbacks, they’re just growing pains.

Changing, Discovery, Dreaming, Greatness, Growth, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Self-Love, Writing

Hermit Mode

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I’ve often heard that being an aspiring author is a solitary profession. Maybe you’re still learning how to write or you have a work in progress or you’re struggling to find an agent or perhaps you’re going the self-publishing route and need to learn marketing skills. Whatever the case may be, you find yourself stuck in limbo. You haven’t broken into the industry yet, but writing isn’t just a hobby for you anymore. It’s become a habit, a passion, a lifestyle. Your day doesn’t quite feel complete if you haven’t spent time honing your craft. I know that feeling full well, of course, otherwise I wouldn’t be here on my soapbox. 

I knew going into this that it would be a reclusive endeavor, but I guess I just didn’t know to what extent. I’ve always been rather solitary (not necessarily by choice)—feeling like I was on the outside looking in, like I was out of place, like an outcast. I’ve always been rather misunderstood. None of these feelings are new to me, but I didn’t realize that these feelings could, in fact, deepen. I didn’t know that I could be more misunderstood than before. More alone in my pursuit. But knowing what I know now, this shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me. Without a “finished” product, very little is understood of what it is I’m trying to do. Until I transition from merely a writer to an author, no one is going to know who I am or care about what I do. That’s a hard truth that I’ve had to learn, and am still learning.

That fact is more clear to me now than ever. No one cares about what I have to say until I have a story to sell (and even then there’s no guarantee of interest). It’s been tough to reconcile that, but I think I’m finally starting to get over it. The reconciliation, however, is a cyclical process. Unfortunately for me, I keep falling for the same trap. I approach each new endeavor with optimism and enthusiasm, only to be met with disappointment when things fail to live up to expectations. For a while, I thought my mistake was setting my expectations too high, so I lowered them each subsequent time. Sure, this probably had something to do with it, but it wasn’t the root of the issue. My original mistake was setting any expectations to begin with. By doing so, I was constantly setting myself up for major letdown if things didn’t play out the way I envisioned. And boy, have things played out much differently (so far). 

As I mentioned last post, I’ve been met with a steadily increasing amount of apathy and indifference. Which honestly, is a creative’s worst nightmare. We want to feel like our artistry matters. That we’re making an impact. We want feedback good or bad. We want engagement. We want to feel like our art is being seen and/or heard. Of course, I don’t write for recognition or accolades or what have you. I write because it’s good for me. I write because it’s what I do, and what I want to do. I write because I can’t not write. But still… I want a little something more. I want to be thrown the occasional bone for the effort and work I’ve put in—even if it’s something as small as a fishbone. 

But this is where we begin to drift into dangerous territory. Where do I draw the line between believing that my hard work will pay off, and expecting to be rewarded for what I’ve done? When does this stop being an ideal and start looking like entitlement? I’ve said before that meritocracy is a key component of my ethos and world view. I operate under the assumption that positive energy and action gets reflected back, in turn. Your hard work and consistency will pay off. Your effort will be rewarded. While I don’t know any of this for certain, it’s what I believe and it’s what I choose to believe. I’ve learned the hard way that my optimistic outlook isn’t necessarily the most realistic, but it certainly beats the alternative, which I’ve been through before as well. 

The truth of the matter is that we don’t live in a perfect world. Many things work in theory, but not in practice. More often than not, ideals are unattainable. For example, some of us strive for perfection, even with the knowledge that this is not something that we can reach. That however, will not prevent the perfectionist within from trying to reach towards flawlessness. I could write faster if I didn’t tinker/edit/nitpick/re-read as much as I do. But I just can’t help myself—sometimes my perfectionism gets in the way of my artistry. I wouldn’t want it any other way though; I take pride in my work, and as such, I hold myself to an incredibly high standard. I can’t half ass anything, or post content that I think is shoddy. My conscience won’t let me do it. There’s a baseline quality level that every artistic endeavor of mine has to reach. Maybe this is another way that I set myself up for failure. Maybe setting such a high standard contributes to making unreasonable expectations. 

That’s not something I know for certain either. But I do know this: it keeps me motivated. If I wasn’t constantly striving to write to the best of my ability, I’d remain stagnant, and never get to where I needed to go. Each day I’m getting better at my craft, little by little. Each day I’m learning, improving, and growing. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, because I don’t have all the answers. Instead, I’m figuring things out as I progress further in my writing journey. Sometimes I’ll have to ask for help, sometimes I’ll have to look stuff up, sometimes I’ll have to try new things. All of this requires me to step out of my comfort zone, which of course is easier said than done.

If you know me, then you know that I’m rather reserved. I’m your textbook introvert—I don’t do well in larger crowds, I spend a lot of time alone or in my head, I’m not super active on social media, I tend to clam up in conversations with larger groups, I might come off as aloof or standoffish. It might not seem like I care, but I actually care a lot. I care more than you know. That’s partially why the indifference hurts me so much. It’s a massive step for me to even put myself out there in the first place. Which makes it that much more devastating when all I hear are crickets. But as I said earlier, I’m learning how to cope with it. People will react the way that they react. That doesn’t change my approach or my process. At the end of the day, it’s all about what I can control—my effort, energy, and consistency namely. I just have to keep doing what I’m doing. Good things will come to me eventually. I still have faith.

When it comes down to it, I am my own brand. Everything that I do artistically—my fiction, my poetry, my essays/blog posts, my social media content—goes towards it. I need to do whatever it takes to continue to build it up. I can’t afford not to. If I don’t do this for myself then who’s going to do it for me? There are so many things I’ve learned in the past three years or so about writing, mental health, life. I have a lot that I can share. A lot that I want to share. I just need the platform. 

It will take time and energy for me to cultivate a following. I understand that. I also understand that at the end of the day this might not even be within my control. There’s a possibility that my dreams will never become a reality. That’s just how the math goes. It’s a harsh truth that I have to accept. But it doesn’t mean that I give up on my dream. It doesn’t mean that I put in less effort. I can’t focus on that—it’s putting the cart before the horse. I’ve done that before, worrying about the future rather than focusing on the present. I know how that story goes. It never leads to anything good, just inaction and undue stress. I need to control what I can control, and let it play out on it’s own. I don’t know the future, but I can tell you this much: if I fail it won’t be due to a lack of effort on my part. I will do everything in my power to try to get to where I want to go. If I put in the work but I still can’t get there, I can live with that—at least I tried. 

That being said, it’s back to the lab for me. Back to my den of seclusion, so that I can crank out quality work. No man is an island. We weren’t meant to live in isolation, but I think that’s what’s next for me. While the pandemic may have ended a few years ago, social distancing still continued for me, in some ways. For the most part it was through circumstance rather than by choice, but perhaps it’s time for that to change. It’s time for me to go into Hermit Mode. To put my head down and get to work. To put on the blinders. To tune out the noise. Focus on the quality of my work and mastering my craft, rather than sit around waiting for a warm reception or any sort of reaction. Maybe when I pop my head out next, the reception will be warmer. Maybe it won’t. But I won’t hold my breath either way. I’m just going to keep on keeping on, and worry about that.

Existentialism, people, Poetry, Questions, Reflections, Writing

Karma?

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You get what you give
So I’ve been told
But it doesn’t always feel that way
It seems quite often that the equation isn’t equal
The universe demands balance
But there isn’t any to be found

You get what you give
They’ve said it time and time again
I believed it at first
But I’ve started to have doubts
The scale isn’t balanced
Hasn’t been for a while

You get what you give
Good begets good
Evil begets evil
It seemed a simple truth
But now I’m not so sure
Could it actually be more nuanced than that?

If that were true would there still be pain and strife?
Would only the evil get cancer?
Would the good be destined for a blessed life?
The universe is random, putting jumbled pieces together
It strives for balance
But it isn’t always attainable

You get what you give
That’s the way it should work
But it’s better in theory
As with most things in this world
Concepts that had been conceived from a pure heart
But ones that have been perverted by humanity

You get what you give
I wished I believed
But everyone’s so fucked up
For karmic balance, for utopia, for unity
Oh, woe is me. Oh, woe is me.
What’s come of humanity?

Brokenness, Depression, Loss, Poetry, Writing

(Scars) As the World Burns

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Sometimes I just wanna see the world burn
See it ground to dust so I don’t have to live in it anymore
Watch as the palaces crumble
And see the wicked get what they deserve

Let the righteous perish
So that we can start the whole thing over
The good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent
Let them all meet their demise

What does it matter?
We’ll all be dead in the end
We’ll all get what we deserve

But is that any way to live?
Mad at the world, and hating everyone in it?
When did I get so bitter?
When did I get so angry?
When did I lose all hope for meaningful change?

How did I get this way?
Where did all this hate stem from?
The root of it is this:
I’ve been hurt far too much
For far too long

Felt mistreated and misunderstood
Felt like I didn’t belong
That there was no place for me here

I’ve held out hope that things would turn out better
But it feels like the same story repeating over and over
I find my place and then I lose it
Pushed out, forced out, weaned away

I try to get over it
I try to just forget
But it seems the scars have already cut too deep
I will move on, but I won’t forget
I can’t forget, it’s impossible to forget

My scars, they are a part of me
Sometimes they drive me, sometimes they fuel me
Sometimes they hurt me, sometimes they anger me

A part of me wants to see the world burn
A part of me wants to see the towers crumble
See the wicked punished
And see those who persecuted me set ablaze

But the hatred in my heart only hurts me more
The anger I feel only gets in my way
Best to try to forgive and forget
But that’s the hardest task yet
My scars, they are a part of me
For better or for worse
Sometimes they will fuel me
But sometimes they will hurt

Loss, Poetry, Relationships, Writing

Two Minds

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How can I have so much bitterness in my heart?
Angry and upset about someone I cared about for so long
I know we’ve had some issues in the recent past
I’m not afraid to admit that
I find that I’m still loyal to you
And would like to be until the end

But you need to do more, care more, give more
I feel like I’ve given you all I’ve got
And I haven’t received the same in return
At one point we saw eye to eye
But you’ve given me less and less
And I fear we’re drifting apart

I’d like to care less
I’d like to focus more on me
And spend less time on you
But even still I care about you, and want you still

The specter of disappointment lingers behind you
You haven’t met my expectations in a long while
We were giving as much to each other as we gave to ourselves
And I long for that still
I wish that were still the dynamic
But alas, things have changed

I accept that and it’s okay
I just have to approach with more caution
But my loyalty gets in the way
I can’t deprive myself of helping you
My feelings are mixed in that way

I still want to see things through
I still want to be good to you
But my bitterness gets in the way
I can’t seem to tame my rage
I can’t seem to overcome the pain of disappointment
Can’t seem to express to you the way that I feel

So this will have to do
I’m of two minds
I want to continue being good to you
But I also want to beat the shit out of you
I want to keep helping you
But what do I get out of it?
Increasingly less

I’m not asking for your undivided attention
Just for some in part
I’m not asking for your full commitment
Just for a little devotion
I’m not asking you to go along for the whole ride
Just that sometimes you would be by my side

Not asking for your love and affection
Just a brief moment of your time
I know you’re busy but I’ve set aside time for you
I expected you to do the same

I’m of two minds
Part of me wants to end it
I mean what’s in it for me?
But part of me doesn’t wanna rock the boat
We had something good for so long
I had only hoped for it to become more strong

It seems I must’ve misread the situation
I was much more devoted to you than you were to me
I sit here and long for what we once had
It seems like such a long time ago
Maybe we can recover and move on
Or maybe this is just a thing of the past